AN: I started this after watching Digimon Tri a second time. Just some thoughts on how the rest of the show could go, with a bit of angst and hurt/comfort moments thrown in.
In this universe, DNA digivolving leaves physical traces on the Digimon partners that fades over time.
Italics indicates quoted dialogue that Yamato remembers other people saying.
/ indicates Yamato's internal dialogue.
Any other oddities are purely my own.
Faith and Trust
1. Isolation
The bottle of rum was empty, Yamato realized slowly, turning it upside down in an attempt to get every last drop into his mouth. Disappointed, he lowered his arm and the bottle, then leaned his head back against the outer wall of the apartment. A soft breeze blew over the balcony where he sat, raising goosebumps on his exposed skin.
The silence was deafening. No more Knife of Day, no more reason to practice his guitar… There was nothing left to do but exist.
What will you do with yourself? There must be something that interests you.
Yamato hadn't been able to answer that question easily. At one time, he would've said music interested him, but Yamato had come to the startling conclusion that it wasn't the music he cared about. It was the people who came to listen to him play - or at least, the people who used to come. It'd been months since anyone other than Takeru came to his concerts…
Have you spoken with your parents about your plans for the future?
It was kind of impossible to do that when his otousan worked such impossibly long hours, and Yamato rarely spoke to his okaasan except for holidays and the occasional birthday. It was better that way, right?
It's not unusual for boys your age to be uncertain. You could always apply to a school and figure it out there. Two years is enough time, don't you agree?
It'd been six years since they'd saved the Digital World, and even that hadn't been long enough for Yamato to figure himself out. How could anyone think it was humanly possible to accomplish such an enormous task in two years? It hadn't been easy back then, and if anything, it seemed harder now that he was older. Frustrated, Yamato banged his head lightly against the wall.
Surely you've talked to your friends? Maybe something they've said is intriguing…?
What was Yamato supposed to say? Lunch time was spent typically trying to keep Taichi from ruining perfectly good food before Yamato had a chance to eat it. They never talked about anything serious, just normal conversation: did anyone do the homework for algebra, and if so, how were you supposed to solve problem fourteen? On rare occasion, they might have broken the rut and spoken about family: my dad is out of the country for a week, who wants to bring the beer? More often than not, though, lunch was a time for avoiding conversation. A time when Taichi liked to tease Yamato, smile that big grin like nothing was wrong inside his head, even though Yamato could see the doubt eating away at him…
What about that one girl… Sora, I think? You seem to like her. Has she said anything to you?
It'd been a mistake. That's what Sora had said two years ago, after they'd been dating for months and Taichi had finally started talking to them both again. She'd never loved him as anything more than a friend, and he'd only loved her for the attention she gave him. It was true, Yamato realized afterwards. He'd been just as happy to see Koushiro and Hikari, let alone Takeru or Taichi, at one of his concerts. Sora had been amazing for the part of him that was incredibly lonely, but she'd never quite managed to be the companion he needed, and Yamato hadn't been able to be as affectionate as Sora wanted him to be.
And Yagami?
Taichi…
Yamato closed his eyes against the onslaught of memory: Taichi's face a mask of horror as they'd watched Alphamon reign destruction on the city. Their so-called leader had stood and watched as Yamato and Gabumon had tried to protect Meiko and Meicoomon, hadn't even flinched until towards the end when a well-timed blast on Alphamon's part coincided with a poorly-timed dodge on Yamato's. A few more centimeters and…
Yagami Taich? What does he plan to do?
For a few brief moments, Yamato thought perhaps Taichi snapped back to his old self. The hands on his shoulders had been so reassuring, like Taichi was telling him that it was okay, that Yamato wasn't alone any more. Gabumon and Agumon had combined to become Omegamon, and Yamato had thrilled at the sight until Alphamon disappeared inside another digital rift, and Omegamon's form began to dissolve…
'Taichi's changed. We all have!' Takeru had argued the next day, after Yamato stormed away from their half-hearted meeting. 'Can't you be more understanding?'
Only Taichi hadn't changed, not really. Yamato knew that this uncertain, wavering person Taichi was portraying was the real Taichi, the one he'd worked so hard to hide from the others… was the Taichi that Yamato had seen all along.
Ishida-kun? Ishida-kun!
The phone was ringing, but Yamato didn't feel like trying to stand to answer it. It was probably otousan calling to say he'd be late again, and to not wait up. The answering machine could get it, as far as Yamato was concerned. There was a click as the answering machine kicked on, followed by the standard greeting: 'sorry we can't come to the phone, please leave a message' blah blah blah.
BEEP.
The silence went on for all of fifteen seconds before Yamato heard the machine click off. He refused to think about who would bother to call without leaving a message.
/Couldn't have been very important, right?/ Yamato thought to himself as he dug his cell phone out of his pocket, just in case something important had happened.
There were no notifications about unread text messages, his inbox and voicemail were completely empty. Not even Gabumon had emailed Yamato to check on him, and it'd been days since Meicoomon had murdered Leomon in front of their eyes. Days since Yamato had actually gone to school like he was supposed to, days since he'd spoken to anyone at all, really, while he tried to piece together the reason why everything was falling apart again.
Yamato stared at the small screen in his hand, and almost dropped it when it began to play his ring-tone.
Otouto flashed across the screen, and Yamato fumbled to press the 'receive' button.
"Oniichan?" Takeru asked after an extended silence.
"Un?" Yamato replied tersely, nodding his head drunkenly and smacking it against the wall. "Ach!"
"Are you okay? You didn't cut yourself making supper or anything, right?"
There was too much food left in the fridge, Yamato had no reason to cook anything. Not that Takeru knew that, Yamato realized.
"Just… hit my head… on the wall…"
"Are… are you drunk?" Takeru's voice was pitched with worry, and for a moment, Yamato felt guilty about taking his call. If he hadn't, then Takeru wouldn't have been worried, right?
I'm a big kid, I don't need you looking out for me all the time.
"A little…?" Yamato confessed.
"Where are you? Are you home?"
"I'm not a kid, Take. Don't worry about me." Yamato mumbled.
"How can I not worry about you? Yamato -"
It was surprisingly easy to end the call, Yamato realized, pressing the red button. He hated when his otouto called him by his given name, and Takeru knew it, too.
A small part of him felt guilty though, for hanging up so suddenly. He didn't even know why his little brother had been calling. It might've been important…
I was afraid you were still sulking.
He wasn't sulking, he wasn't. There was just… no other way to deal with the loneliness. Taichi was still avoiding him, and being around the others would only serve as a painful reminder of that fact. It would've been easier if otousan wasn't working such late hours, if Yamato had had at least one person to vent his frustrations to…
Talk to me, Yamato! You're scaring me!
/I'm starting to scare myself, too, Gabumon./
The phone in the living room was ringing again. The beep sounded, followed by what sounded like Takeru's voice. Even if the phone had been beside him, Yamato still would've refused to answer. Let someone worry about him, Yamato was tired of doing all the worrying on his own.
Exhausted, Yamato slowly laid down on the balcony floor and listened as the phone rang again and again. At some point, the callers stopped waiting for the answering machine, but the phone continued to ring. He wondered how long it would take before any of them took the hint. Even if a new digital rift opened up in the grey skies hanging high above his head, he wasn't answering his email, or the phone, or the door.
Door?
Yamato frowned, straining to hear inside the apartment. There was definitely someone alternating between pounding on the door and ringing the bell. It was hard to hear it over the ringing phone, but he could just make out the sound.
/Probably a worried neighbor, wondering why the phone's off the hook and no one's answering./ Yamato thought.
After a few minutes, the pounding and ringing stopped, and Yamato was certain that he'd be left to mull in peace. He sighed in relief, rubbing at his arms. He was starting to feel cold, but he didn't want to go inside with the phone still ringing like that…
There was a loud sound then, like the face plate of the door lock being slid up. Buttons chimed as they were pressed in quick order, followed by a positive chirping.
Had Takeru called their father, or was it a coincidence that otousan was home early?
"Oniichan?!" The door opened, and Yamato heard the sound of footsteps running into the living room. "Oniichan?!"
The phone that was ringing went silent, and Yamato heard Hikari's voice as she calmly spoke into the receiver.
"Un, Sora-san. We just got here, but we haven't seen him yet. Un, I'll let you know."
"He's not in his room!" Takeru was saying. "What if…?"
More footsteps reached his ears as Takeru and Hikari moved about the apartment, but they were getting steadily closer.
It wasn't fair, Yamato decided as the door slid open, that Hikari always seemed able to read him. She was entirely too sharp for Yamato's comfort, even if she was only doing it to make Takeru feel better.
"I found him!" Hikari shouted.
Yamato threw an arm over his eyes as she approached and kicked at the empty rum bottle by his feet.
"What'd you drag her here for?" Yamato grumbled as Takeru joined them.
The force of Takeru's silence was palpable, something that Yamato hadn't encountered before.
"Takeru!" Hikari's outburst was the only warning he had before his little brother was on him, tugging him upright by the arm.
"I can't believe you'd let me worry like this!" Takeru berated him. "Do you have any idea how scared I was? You hung up on me!"
Don't worry, I still love you best.
"Takeru…"
"He's freezing. Help me get him inside, ne, Hikari-chan?" Takeru asked Hikari as he looped Yamato's arm over his neck.
When had Takeru gotten so strong, Yamato wondered as he was hauled onto his feet. His legs were wobbly beneath him as Takeru tried to half-carry, half-drag him into the apartment while Hikari did her best to remove obstacles in their way. It wasn't until they were inside the apartment and Hikari had shut the balcony door that Yamato realized just how cold he'd been outside. He was dizzy enough from having drunk so much alcohol, but the sudden change in temperature made him feel even worse.
"Oniichan!" Takeru's voice was too loud in his ear, the arm wrapped around his waist was holding too tightly.
"Yamato-san!"
"I'm… okay." Yamato lied weakly, struggling to keep his eyes open.
"You're not okay!" Takeru argued, adjusting his grip slightly so that his fingers weren't squeezing Yamato so painfully below his ribs. "You don't have to be okay all the time! Why… why can't you just talk about it, talk to me, instead of doing whatever it is you think you're doing on your own?!"
I know how you feel, Yamato…
Tears rose against his will in his eyes, and Yamato was horrified to find himself clinging to Takeru with every ounce of strength in his body.
"Oniichan…"
It wasn't that he didn't want to confide in Takeru - although he didn't - but how was he supposed to explain what he didn't understand himself? He'd been so happy that first time he and Taichi had digivolved Omegamon, not only because they'd finally stood a chance against Diaboromon. From the moment Omegamon appeared, Yamato had felt like he was carrying a piece of Taichi somewhere deep inside his soul. For days afterward, he'd sworn he could feel Taichi's heart beating right alongside his own. It'd been so comforting to feel like he wasn't alone anymore…
When Alphamon appeared and Taichi had finally - finally - gathered enough courage to digivolve Omegamon a second time, Yamato had been elated. The feeling of that second heartbeat alongside his own, the thrill of knowing that they could accomplish anything as long as they were together… it'd been a wonderful high, right until that moment, when Taichi withdrew. Yamato still wasn't sure what had caused Taichi to doubt them - to doubt him - and he was exhausted from wondering what it was he'd done wrong.
"Just tell me?" Takeru asked meekly, cheek pressed to the top of Yamato's head.
Yamato shook his head as his tears stained Takeru's shirt, silent sobs racking his shoulders.
"C'mon, let's sit down, okay?" Takeru led Yamato towards the sofa, then carefully sat him down.
Yamato sniffled, wiping at his tears with the palms of his hands. He was shaking all over, even as Takeru tugged an afghan around his shoulders.
"I put water on for tea." Hikari chimed suddenly. "I hope that's okay, Yamato-san."
Yamato nodded wordlessly, pulling his legs up to his chest as Takeru sat on the opposite side of the sofa. The apartment was deathly quiet until Takeru turned on the TV, switching the input over to DVD.
"I'm betting 'El Dorado.'" Takeru said, watching as the main menu popped up. "How many times can you watch the same movie?"
Yamato shrugged. It was a classic American western that he enjoyed, mostly because it almost always put him to sleep.
"Anou, Yamato-san…" Hikari ventured slowly towards him, carrying a tray with the tea pot and three cups which she sat on the coffee table. "You don't look well."
A cold hand caressed his forehead, and Hikari make a tsking noise. "Is there any medicine in the bathroom?"
"I'll look." Takeru volunteered, though Yamato could have told him there wasn't any to be found. "Looks like I'll have to run to the Family Mart to get some. Do you want anything else while I'm out?"
Hikari shook her head and Takeru went to leave. Once he was gone, Hikari went to the bathroom to fill a bowl with cold water and to grab a wash cloth. She brought both back with her, dunked the cloth in the water and rung out the excess before pressing it to Yamato's forehead.
"I know, I know it's cold." Hikari murmured gently as Yamato cringed beneath the cold cloth. "But we need to get your fever down, Yamato-san."
I never doubted you, not even for a moment.
Something broke inside his chest, and he couldn't suppress a sob. Hikari pressed the cloth to his face, wiping at his tears as the DVD played on quietly behind her.
"Shhh… shhh…" Hikari murmured soothingly. "Takeru will be back soon… He's getting medicine to make you feel better… It's okay…"
It wasn't okay, Yamato wanted to argue. Medicine wasn't going to fix whatever problem Taichi had with him. He closed his eyes and leaned back on the sofa, but it didn't discourage Hikari from her ministrations. Shoulders shaking, tears still falling from his eyes, Yamato let an uneasy sleep claim him.
to be continued
