This is just an idea I had, let me know what you think.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Twilight characters mentioned or anything that may seem familiar. All music is credited to its rightful owners.
I am aware I've been misled. I disconnect my heart, my head
Don't want to recognize when things go bad, the things that you'll accept
Except that I am finding the words to say I'm ready.
Chapter One: I'm Ready
There are many different types of pain, but very few that everyone can experience. The small pains, like bruises and bumps, a broken limb, and larger pains like watching loved ones pass on, or a child wilting behind your blinking eyes.
I've had the misfortune, in my own ways, to experience much more pain in life than most do at twenty six. I've seen suffering...I see it in my reflection every morning after I spit out my toothpaste, shaking away the remains of a nightmare. I see it everyday in the eyes of my eight year old, clinging to normalcy but being sucked away by the waves of difference.
She is different.
I glance around the playground, focusing in on the other children who were running from one another screaming, squealing down slides or jumping high off of swings. Then, under the shade of a large oak tree, was Katie. Abnormally small in stature for her age, she sat cross legged playing with a mound of sand. Her small tongue stuck out of her mouth as her hands busily worked on the castle below her.
I smiled. She was beautiful in my eyes. I knew the world judged her by default, pitied her because she was not the same, but I saw none of these imperfections. To me, she was still the red headed little girl dancing around the living room singing 'Hannah Montana'.
A boy, only paying attention to his pursuers chasing behind him, ran straight into the castle Katie had been building without turning to say as much as an apology. She jumped back in surprise, then leaned forward to examine the damage.
No, she was no longer the carefree girl who could make anyone fall in love with her, the fearless five year old who made friends wherever she went. Illness will do that to you though, take away your personality, leave you wondering who you really are, who you were meant to be.
I'm on my feet and walking towards the shady tree before I can stop myself. My instincts are pushing me to run over to the fool who trampled on my little girls castle, but I hold back, going to check on Katie before my emotions get the best of me. She's brushing herself off and looking up at me with a clear expression of sadness mixed with attempted hopefulness. A look everyone around me seemed to wear these days.
"I think I'm ready to go now daddy."
I clasped her hand in my own and headed for the car. "Ok, baby doll."
Dinner was in full swing when a knock on the door alarmed me. Coming from down the hall of our apartment, the bell rang not once but twice more before someone knocked again. I knew who it was, not that I had many visitors to chose from, but this one was particularly annoying.
"I've got it! Dad, I'll get the door!"
I walked after her, shaking my head with amusement. Katie inherited my sisters unconditional love of life, and loud personality to match it. The door was being pounded on consistently, even though I knew she could hear Katie's trampling feet and loud squeals racing for the door.
"Let me in little pig, or I'll blow your house down."
Katie swung the door open, and as if she hadn't seen Alice in years flung herself into her body.
"Aunt Alice!"
Alice giggled, a musical sound and stroked Katie's back lovingly. She was only a small bit taller than Katie, both of them being very small. She finally let go and kissed Katie square on the head before smirking towards me.
"Whatcha making?"
"Mac and Cheese, care to join us for dinner?"
She scooted out of her flip flops and placed her purse on the coat hanger. "I'd love to. But first," she pulled out two tubes of nail polish. "I thought Katie bug could use a Mani Pedi."
I smiled as my sister chased after Katie and thanked whoever was listening that I had one sister, someone who could fill in where I simply couldn't. Not only would Katie refuse to let me paint her nails, insisting it was weird, but they would turn out looking like a dog did them.
I went back to work in the kitchen, but not before passing a solitary photo, one I had thought about taking down several times before but couldn't. I brushed my fingers over the face of the woman and sighed.
"If only you were still here, Tanya."
"You know, for Mac and Cheese that was pretty good," Alice complimented, taking hers and Katie's dishes into the kitchen to soak. I snorted, letting her in on the fact that it was Kraft, all I did was pour it in water.
"Well, if you had left it up to me, we'd be eating it hard, so just take the compliment for what it's worth big brother."
Katie giggled, and I rolled my eyes.
"I hate to dine and run," she leans down to place a swift kiss on Katie's cheek, "But, I've got a date tonight."
I rolled my eyes. Alice was always going on dates, and then would come over to complain to me about how awful they were. I had asked her on several occasions why she didn't talk to any of her girlfriends about these dudes but she insisted they were all 'catty bitches' who she trusted about as far as she could throw them.
"Who tonight?"
"Jasper Whitlock," she smiled dreamily.
"Wow, he lasted round two?" I teased and she scoffed, blowing air at me. "Please, he's lasted to round four...four! That's never happened before, but so far he's not weird, stuck up, a pansy, a loser, too short, too tall, too tan, too pale-"
"Sounds like a prince."
She cut short out of her fantasy and giggled like she was ten again. "Yeah...well, I should be going. See you later Katie Bug, don't let those nails chip!"
"Tell me a story."
"A story?" I asked, flipping her night switch off, her shadow shining from the brightness of the hallway. She looked less sick in the dark, curled up into blankets. The only thing that would be a dead give away, was her lonely little head, where all the hairs had abandoned her.
"You know, about her." she whispered sheepishly.
I walk to the edge of her bed. There was a time when every single night I told her a story about her mother. As time passed on, she didn't seem to ask, and I seemed to forget so wrapped up in her medical condition and my job, it seemed there weren't much room for stories about things that could never be again.
I patted her small feet gently before leaning down, laying horizontal to her bed on my side.
"Well, lets see. Did I ever tell you about the time your mother and I, and little baby you went to the beach?"
Her eyes lit up as she shook her head. "I've been to the beach?"
I nodded. "It was a long time ago, you were barely two. And one day, your mother-"
"Tanya?"
A lump formed in my throat at the innocent question, and I shook my head gently. "Yes, Tanya. Your mother was a very spontaneous lady."
"What's...spontaneous?"
"It mean's she hated to plan, she loved waking up in the morning and just deciding she was going to do something that day, which was why she was a painter for a living, it allowed her to be creative, to be different and she loved it."
"You were saying about the beach..." Katie asked persistently, pushing me back to the topic.
"Right, so one day during the summer, I remember you were sitting in your high chair squealing and giggling about something, and your mother said...
"We're going to the beach!"
I turned to look at Tanya in confusion, spooning mushed apricots into baby Katie's mouth. "What do you mean?"
"Wouldn't it be fun? To just go right now and head off! We'll take a weekend trip down to Santa Monica! Oh Edward, come on it'll be great! Lets go!"
I watched in amusement as my wife went skipping down the halls, humming a song to herself and packing up whatever she saw fit for our ill planned weekend trip. I turned to Katie who watched after her mother and began to wiggle her hips, wanting to get out to join her.
I set her down and we both chased after Tanya, who was ready to go.
"How come we don't do things like that anymore?" Katie inquired. I studied her expression for a long while. Katie had wanted to go to the beach for quite some time, I had promised her this summer we would make a plan to go on a weekend trip down to California, but of course it never happened. Not with Katie being in the condition she's in, I hardly like her playing at the play ground.
She's been in remission for three months now, but cancer isn't like the common cold. It takes time, and forever her immune system will just not be the same. I popped out a few of Katie's pain relievers she still took with her other medicines and dropped them into her palm, a reminder for her to take the medicine but also as to why we can not go to the beach.
Lucky for me, my eight year old is a smart one and took the hint, silently swallowing the pills without any water.
"So then what happened?"
"We spent the weekend at the beach. It rained nearly the entire first day we were there, like I said your mother wasn't a good planner, but for the other two days it was sunny and bright. We took you to the beach and you splashed around in the waves and had a fit when I took you into the ocean, but ten minutes later your mother brought you in and you were happy as a clam."
She giggled, a yawn replacing it soon after. I rubbed her shoulder gently before leaning down to kiss her temple.
"Goodnight Katie bug."
"Goodnight daddy."
I made my way for the door, about to shut it, leaving just a crack of light when Katie called for me once more. I turned back to look at her, her eyes were still closed and she appeared to be dreaming, but then she spoke again.
"When I'm not sick, you promise to take me to the beach?"
I smiled towards her, "Cross my heart."
I've seen suffering through the eyes of my eight year old, a girl who knows so much bad about the world and so little good. Who has missed out on countless activities because of a disease holding her back. These are the prices you pay when your child has cancer.
The song lyrics in the beginning are from the song 'I'm Ready' by Jack's Mannequin. Most of the musical influence for this story is by the same band. Please let me know what you thought. Chapters in the future will be longer, I promise!
~WorkingOnAMiracle
