Hi, Shadowhunters! This is the first fic I am writing in English so please forgive me for all my mistakes but I am Spanish and my English is not as good as I would like it to be. This is quite Malec but mainly Sebalec, this shipping doesn't have much support but I really like it and think they would look well together, specially after what happened at the end of CoLS... The fic is Alec POV and rated T because I do not think that the scenes are too strong (I am 14 myself), but if you think it should be turned into M please tell me. Warning! This fic is set after the fifth book so it contains several spoilers. Do not read if you haven't reached this point of the books.

Disclaimer: I don't own The Mortal Instruments or their awesome characters, they all belong to the Magnificent Cassie Clare, I just dream and fangirl about them.

Nothing Will Be The Same – 1. When a Shadowhunter is broken down

It all started soon after Max's death. I blamed myself for my little brother's death, and I haven't changed my mind about that ever since. It was my fault after all. I knew Isabelle blamed herself too, but she shouln't. She was hit, she could have died I wouldn't have been able to deal with that. So it wasn't her fault. That aweful day I was the only adult in the house, and I just left, while my siblings stayed with a half-demon murderer. If only I had stayed... If only I had been the one killed...

But it had to be Max, the most inocent of us. By the Angel, he was only nine; his worries were reading enough manga and not being left apart. He was such a good child... He didn't deserve that.

And it was my fault, so I began to cut myself in order to make my guilt disappear. And it worked for a while, until Magnus found out and begged me to stop.

Of course, I did, I would have done anything Magnus asked me to. I was so in love with him... and even though I didn't know, those were the good times, when Magnus Bane, the High Warlock of Brooklyn, loved me back.

But he didn't anymore. And it had been my fault again.

Mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.

No matter how deep I stabbed myself, the pain would't leave me this time. Surrounded by my own blood and crying out loud, I realised how broken down I was.

And I realised no one would care if I died.

"My fault" If I hadn't betrayed Magnus' confidence, if I hadn't tried to take away his inmortality...

Maybe, just maybe, we would still be together and everything would be alright.

I knew those regrets weren't going to help me at all, but I had become such a waste... I sliced my runes, I didn't deserve to be called a Shadowhunter anymore. Then I put some bandages on and went out of the bathroom before my sibling woke up.

I returned to my bedroom and when they came to check up on me I pretended everything was alright. Again. Like I had been doing ever since Magnus broke up with me. Two weeks ago. And it still hurt so badly... Sometimes I just wanted to end everything, and finally die. Kill myself, like the coward I had become. But it would be too easy, and I had to feel pain. To pay what I did to the only man I would ever love more than anything in the world. Because he used to be my world.

And now my world was gone.

How was that? Too bad? Too short? It feels so despairingly sad... Things will eventually get better for poor Alec, but I think that, according to his character, he may react like this after the Break-up thing and I am sure he will be suffering in the next book, so the first few characters will be about Alec's now screwed up life...

Well, you probably have heard this lots of time but a review means everything to me... :3

Read you soon,

Suna