I have been staring at curtis's pale, fragile face for god knows how long and nothing has changed. He is still in a coma and may never wake up and even if he does, he might not be the same person. I did this this to him and the guilt of it all has glued me to this seat and nothing or no-one can make me leave his side.
I can tell it's Silvia who has just entered the room without even looking round , by the gentle clacking of her heels on the floor. I tear my eyes away from Curtis to take a look at her .I really wish I hadn't because the beautiful red head standing behind me, has caused a stabbing pain to shoot through my heart as another reminder of my mistakes. I fucked it up with my princess and I fucked it up with Curtis. She has made her way to the chair in front of me, but my gaze stays fixed on Curtis. I start to speak to Silvia but cant bring myself to look at her.
" Do you know what happens to the cerebrum when it doesn't receive oxygen? Cerebral hypoxia. The brain closes itself off like a submarine. It cuts itself in to compartments….and dies"
I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes but hold them back. I don't like Silvia seeing me like this. I am meant to be the strong one. Eventually I turn to face her for reassurance.
"If Curtis's brain shuts itself off.."
Silvia interjects, "That's not going to happen, in a few days he is going to get up, he's going to ask for his leather jacket, his rock cd's and his dog and all that will be left are some scars, I promise you"
I wait for this to sink in then glance her way. She has the sweetest, most reassuring face offering me unspoken comfort. I cant help but return a warm, grateful smile.
I turn back to stare at Curtis momentarily…"I fucked up…I fucked up again Silvia".
She is gazing at me, willing me to continue.
" I gave him a kiss without thinking anything of it. But it was important to him. And do you know why? Because I am light years behind Curtis and his capacity to love, Do you know what he did for me?"
Silvia nods, her eyes fixed on mine.
"Curtis tried to become Bruce Willis for me".
Silvia processes this. "Is that why he ran out of the car in to a hail of gunfire like a chicken with his head cut off?" She can barely finish the sentence before letting out a chuckle followed by an amused smile.
I can't help but grin at this comment and I turn to face her again ."The poor guy thought they were bullets made of salt".
Silvia looks amused as she says,"Yeah honey- but I don't know. Okay the first shot on the shoulder from a 38 caliber….maybe you don't notice..but the second and the third? She is now giggling and her words are slowly thawing my numb exterior. "And the fourth…You must have had him numb with love".
She is bringing me back to life and as she continues to speak, I start to crack up.
"You must have had him numb with love. You anesthetized him Pepa!"
We are both laughing now and it feels wrong considering the situation but so right at the same time.
I try to compose myself.."Silvia please", but there is no point. She carries on ,spurred on my sudden rise in spirit.
"Napalm!Cross -fire and Nepalm,Pepa" She crosses her eyes and I continue to laugh. I am starting to feel like everything is going to be ok.
"Silvia, have a little respect! He is right in front of us", I say teasingly, while still laughing.
"Do you know what I would like to hear if I was in a coma?" I grin at her adoringly, intrigued about what she is going to say next.
"Your laugh Pepa". Her words hit me, sending unexpected goosebumps down my body. I don't think she knows the profound effect they have had on me. There is a charged moment where we both stare at each other. Nothing else needs to be said..
I am starting to think there's hope for me and Silvia. I know there's something still there, from the heated looks she has been giving me all week. I just don't know if it's the time or place to make the first move . I glance up at Silvia and she looks vunerable, like maybe she has said too much. For the first time in ages, I feel tired, no I feel exhausted. Her comforting words have lifted some of my guilt away and all there is to do now is rest and dream about my redhead and the possibility of holding her again..
Her warm touch sends jolts down my body. Her touch could wake me from any coma no matter how deep.
I slowly open my eyes and see her staring longingly at me. The look she's giving me is impossible to misread. The corner of my mouth twitches as I try to smile reassuringly at her. She looks overwhelmed, slightly anxious that I've caught her in such a vunerable state and busies herself in the corner as she says "I brought you something to eat, you've spent all day here.."
Its now or never.I slowly get up like my body is being drawn to her magnetically. I drift behind her, breathing in her scent. She has stopped fumbling with the food and her body has become rigid as she feels my presence . My hands make contact with her hair as I smooth red curls through my fingers. I put gentle pressure on her shoulder, willing her to turn round. She turns slowly as my hand grazes her cheek and now we are staring at each other. I am too lost in her eyes to know how much time has passed, I know I cant wait much longer and as if she read my mind, she steps forward, willing me on. My hands cup her face and I pull her in, kissing her gently once and again. My heart is pounding as we gaze at each other, saying nothing as nothing needs to be said. I pull her in to a tight embrace and know this time, I will never let her go again..