James Hiller's Worst Family Reunion

Rated K+

James Hiller found a shocking secret better left hidden. Spoilers for PotC 3.

Disclaimer: The big dudes known as Disney and DIC own Pirates of the Caribbean and Liberty's Kids. I don't even own the nameless redcoats that I decided to name.

Boston, Massachusetts

James Hiller digs through the hay searching for his pencil, "Where's my pencil? There is this great story that's going to make it into the headlines." He climbs down the ladder.

"And you are?" Sarah Philips is interviewing the newcomer, a scruffy looking and colorfully dressed man who has a few gold teeth. One of the redcoat privates is sweating nervously; he turns redder than his spiffy uniform.

"Milady, I'm Capt. Jack Sparrow, savvy?" The pirate extends his hand to Sarah for a hand shake. Sarah made a face. She clearly does not like the dreadlock pirate. When James Hiller clamber down the ladder, Jack Sparrow embraces him, "Son, is that you? Oh, you have your mother's splitting image." They do not know why he is in Boston in the first place and do not want to know.

The embarrass redcoat intervenes for James Hiller, "Father, this colonial doesn't know the news."

"Nigel, you didn't tell your baby brother the news. What happened to family togetherness?" Jack slurs as he staggers with his rum bottle at the redcoat. The English regular captain gives Jack Sparrow a death glare; if he had his way, the pirate would have been dead by now at this very minute.

"But I'm James Hiller, American patriot! My parents died in a fire caused by lightning!" wails the poor reporter. Nigel takes the teenage reporter aside. "Look, my mother laid with Jack –"

"It's 'Captain Jack Sparrow,' Son." Corrects Jack Sparrow; he's within earshot.

Nigel ignores Jack. "As a result, I'm conceived. Your Mother apparently did the same, Master James Hiller." Sarah then recalls a very important tidbit. "Wait a minute, ladies and gentlemen. Capt. Sparrow was born a century ago. He can't be living around."

Moses and Phillis Wheatley stands at the side lines not intervening. They did not like Jack just as much as Sarah and Capt. Sir Jerold DeSlang. Jack Sparrow is too devious and cunning to their liking.

"Missy, have you heard of Aqua de Vida?"

"The Fountain of Youth? But that's just a story," exclaims Sarah Philips. The pirate puts his arms around Private Nigel Nigel and James Hiller.

"See this is a joyous family reunion, savvy?" He gives them a toothy grin.

Capt. DeSlang then advises the redcoat private, "Private Nigel, if I was you, I'd kill Captain Jack Sparrow and teach your brother some manners."

"Missy, you better start believing in fanciful stories. Explain why I and these strapping young boys are here?" Sarah crosses her arms, Nigel makes an angst sigh, and James rudely excuses himself.

"I feel sick," James moans.

Sarah Philips decides that she must fetch food for the king's soldiers. She pulls a willing Hiller to the kitchen.

This is going to be a long day in Boston.

The End

AN: I realized that Jack Sparrow can and will do that, because he drank from the Fountain of Youth. Yes, I'm nasty to crossover Liberty's Kids with Pirates of the Caribbean.