Parody of the Battle of Hogwarts - Great Hall

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, Artemis Fowl, Diary of a Wimpy Kid, A Very Potter Musical or Sequel, Percy Jackson & The Olympians, Phineas and Ferb, or iheartmwpp.

Snape: You're probably wondering why I summoned you here tonight, I say in a manner that reminds yoneld a lot of Artemis Fowl.

yoneld: Stop breaking the fourth wall.

Snape: We had a fourth wall?

yoneld: Touché.

Snape: ANYWAY!

Movie watchers: Actually, why ARE they there and what's Harry got to do with it?

Book readers: Screw them, why are WE here?

yoneld: Because you're either obsessed with this franchise and can't stop yourself from going anywhere you see the word "Harry", "Potter", "Wizard", or "Wand" even if it's got nothing to do with it, or you hate these movies and want to see just how bad they get, like Greg and his father do with Li'l Cutie.

Snape: I never said you could ask questions.

Harry: Having flashbacks to my Dursley days... oh wait, that wasn't in the movies. Carry on, Headmaster. *nods head in mock-respect*

yoneld: You only say the Headmaster part in the game.

Harry: That's absurd!

yoneld: You're absurd!

Harry: What - Say that again. To my face.

yoneld: You're absurd!

Harry: That's absurd!

Snape: Potter, yoneld, those lines are specifically written for Lupin and me!

Alan Rickman and David Thewlis: And we don't even get to say those lines.

Joe Moses and Brian Holden: Hah! Take that, movie actors!

Snape: That's not your cue anyways, Potter, what are you doing? Get back in the crowd.

Harry: M'kay. *gets back in the crowd*

yoneld: Guys, stop breaking the fourth wall.

Snape and Harry: We had a fourth wall?

yoneld: Touché.

Camera: I'm bored with this Fowl-talk. Imma look at someone cooler now.

Hufflepuffs: Apparently we FIND Snape highly interesting, unlike the camera.

yoneld: Stop breaking the fourth wall.

Hufflepuffs: We had a fourth wall?

yoneld: Touché.

Snape: ...that you feel confident enough to NOT PAY ATTENTION!

Camera: Sorry, what did you say?

Snape: Mr. Potter. Our new... celebrity. Or Undesirable Number One, should I say?

Harry: I'm not in this scene yet, that's what you told me.

yoneld: Stop breaking the fourth wall.

Harry: We had a fourth wall?

yoneld: Touché.

Snape: Hem, hem.

yoneld: No more Umbridge impersonations.

Snape: If anyone's seen Harry Potter, turn him in. Also, if anyone knows anything about Potter's whereabouts -

Everyone in the audience: *is currently acting like Hermione in any given class* OOH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND EVERYTHING THAT IS HOLY PICK ME!

Snape: Really? Where is he?

Movie watchers: We're not telling you!

Book readers: Lose those Death Eaters and we'll tell you.

Snape: You suck. So yeah, that would really suck if you didn't turn him in because you will be severely punished. Also, if you don't turn in information about him, that would also really suck because you will be treated as *pauses to breathe* ee-qually guilty.

yoneld's friendly-friend: OH GOD WHY.

Movie watchers: I know, right? This is torture!

yoneld's friendly-friend: … You just do not comprehend the awesomeness that is Severus Snape.

yoneld: And Alan Rickman's acting is totally awesome. He's the perfect Snape.

yoneld's friendly-friend: Dude, Snape is always perfect.

Snape: So yeah, if anyone has information, I invite them to step. Forward. Now.

Camera: Imma zoom in on the Gryffindors. Siriusly, how did I not see Harry?

Harry: Is that my cue, Headmaster? *nods head in mock-respect*

yoneld: You only say the Headmaster part in the game.

Harry: That's absurd!

yoneld: You're absurd!

Harry: What - Say that again. To my face.

yoneld: *walks up real close to Harry's face*

Harry: Getting a bit uncomfortable here... How did you even get that close to my face if you're part of the audience and I'm just a fictional character?

yoneld: Iunno. Maybe because you're breaking the fourth wall?

Harry: We had a fourth wall?

yoneld: Touché. Also, you're absurd!

Harry: That's absurd!

Snape: Potter, yoneld, those lines are specifically written for Lupin and me!

Alan Rickman and David Thewlis: And we don't even get to say those lines.

Joe Moses and Brian Holden: Hah! Take that, movie actors!

Snape: That's not your cue anyways, Potter, what are you doing? Get back in the crowd.

Harry: Actually, I believe this time it is my cue. Stop repeating lines from earlier.

yoneld: Guys, stop breaking the fourth wall.

Snape and Harry: We had a fourth wall?

yoneld: Touché.

Harry: Hem, hem.

yoneld: I said, no. More. Umbridge. *voice switches to a very high-pitched girly voice* Impersonations!

Game Five players: Hypocrite.

yoneld: *voice goes back to normal* What?

Game Five players: The way you said "impersonations" sounded exactly like Umbridge from Game Five.

yoneld: Sorry! *under his breath* And here I thought people had a sense of humor.

Harry: It appears that, despite your exhaustive security measures, you have a bit of a problem.

yoneld: What? I'm not parodying this line, it's one of my favorite lines of the movie!

Doors: WE ARE OPENING.

Ron and the Weasleys... interesting band name, Hermione, and the Order: Yay dramatic entrances!

Percy: Looks like I already saw sense!

Ron and the Weasleys... interesting band name: Duh, he said Weasleys! If you didn't he would have said "Ron and the Weasleys (minus Percy)" and that would not be an interesting band name.

Harry: Hem, hem.

yoneld: Dude, you're not Toadbridge. You're Harry.

Harry: You're right, I do need to shave -

yoneld: That's your name, dummy! Also, stop breaking the fourth wall.

Harry: We had a fourth wall?

yoneld: Touché.

Harry: ANYWAYS! I'm afraid it's quite extensive.

yoneld: THIS IS THE MOVIE NOT THE GAME DON'T SAY HEADMASTER!

Harry: Tell them how it happened that night.

Snape: Well, Quirrell was going towards the trapdoor and I had to stop him...

Harry: The other one.

Snape: Dude, Lupin left his map there, it's obvious! Oh wait, that wasn't in the movie.

Harry: NO NOT THAT ONE! THE OTHER ONE.

Snape: I was trying to warn Black not to come...

Harry: Getting closer...

Snape: DO NOT MENTION THAT NIGHT! I DO NOT WANT TO GO INTO IT AS IT REVEALED MY TRUE LOYALTIES!

Harry: Finally! Anyways, tell them how you looked him in the eye, the man who trusted you, and killed him.

Snape: I didn't kill the Dark Lord. And nobody is foolish enough to look him in the eye.

Gregorovitch: Funny story about that...

Snape: Dude. You're dead.

Harry: AHA! A confession!

Snape: That was the Dark Lord who killed him.

Harry: Tell them.

Snape: Now I'm MAD! I'm strangling you. Feel that? Those are my hands around your neck, you big bully. Get over here! I'm going to head-butt you so hard —

Harry: You're not Terminus.

McGonagall: BOOM!

Snape: Crap, I'm in trouble. Meh, who cares. DIE!

McGonagall: BOOM! *does this weird fire thingy on Snape*

yoneld's friendly-friend: You dare try to kill him?

Weird fire thingy: I'm weird and fiery. And a thingy.

Snape: Imma split the weird fire thingy in half.

Double weird fire thingies: WE'RE COMING TO GET YOU, LAME DEATH EATERS!

Death Eaters: WE NEVER SAW NAMIBIA!

Movie watchers: Wait... was Dumbledore right about him? Is he really good.

yoneld's friendly-friend and book readers: OH GOD WHY.

Movie watchers: What?

yoneld's friendly-friend: Snape is supposed to be this mysterious character who nobody knows what his true colors are until his whole backstory is revealed at the end!

yoneld: Well, that would mean that the films would actually feature some backstory. We can't have that, now, can we?

Snape: Hem, hem.

yoneld: WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE TOAD.

Snape: Yeah... Imma run for my life now before she realizes we're on the same side. *runs for his life now before she realizes they're on the same side*

McGonagall: Coward! COWARD!

yoneld: *sketches exterior shot of the Great Hall for his SketchUp model of Hogwarts*

McGonagall: Hem, hem.

yoneld: *is too busy sketching the exterior shot of the Great Hall noticing the Toad impersonation*

Camera: What is this, Film Five? OH GOD I AM NOT DOING THE TOAD'S SPEECH AGAIN!

McGonagall: No, it's me. Please focus back on me?

yoneld: *is finally done with his sketch* Stop breaking the fourth wall.

McGonagall: We had a fourth wall?

yoneld: Touché.

McGonagall: ANYWAYS! *lights braziers*

Students: Yayz!

Girl: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHH!

Braziers: WE NEVER SAW INDONESIA!

Camera: Back to Film Four now, are we? Oh wait - screaming girl! Yayz we're still in Film Eight!

Harry: Wait! I'm the main character, remember? Focus on me!

Camera: Fine! *focuses on Harry*

Harry: Imma walk over to this girl.

Girl: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Voicedemort: I am mesmerizing all of you. All of you.

yoneld: The mesmer needs eye contact. Unless Opal found you a way to mesmerize without eye contact? Because I don't feel very mesmerized.

yoneld's sister: Who said that?

yoneld: You're currently in Book Four?

yoneld's sister: Yes.

yoneld: You'll know when you get to Book Seven.

Voicedemort: Hem, hem. Hem, hem.

yoneld: *groans*

Voicedemort: I know that you are preparing to fight. To fight. Some of you may even think that the fight is wise. Wise. But this is folly. Folly. You cannot fight me. Fight me.

Padma: Where's Parvati, even though yoneld thought I was her when he first watched this movie? Did she die or something? Or did Shefali Chowdhury get arrested for drugs too, like Jamie Waylett, and I was put in to replace her, but that makes no sense -

yoneld: No, you're right, it makes dollars.

Padma: - since I'm supposed to be in this movie anyways, and they didn't put anyone in to replace me, what gives?

yoneld: Actually, I think Cho is supposed to replace you.

Cho: Actually, I'm in this movie anyways.

Padma: And this noise is really irritating, can you please stop it? And now for my obligatory line: I should be in Ravenclaw.

yoneld: That explains everything.

Padma: What?

yoneld: Since you're in Gryffindor in the movies, your only role in the book would have been rendered pointless, because Harry looked at the Ravenclaws to see if there's anything that could be the Horcrux. So you're just replacing Parvati.

Padma: Then which Ravenclaw is replacing me?

yoneld: … Iunno.

Lavender: Heck if I know. And I know, right?

yoneld: Stop breaking the fourth wall.

Padma: We had a fourth wall?

yoneld: Touché.

Voicedemort: Hem, hem. Hem, hem.

yoneld: You know, Voicedemort, you make it sound much worse.

Voicedemort: Give me Harry Potter. Potter. Do this, and I shall leave Hogwarts untouched. Untouched. Give me Harry Potter, Potter, and you shall be rewarded. Warded. You have until midnight. Midnight.

Pansy: Well? What are you waiting for? He's right there! Someone grab him!

Ginny: M'kay. *goes to kiss Harry*

Harry: Not the time, Ginny.

Ginny: Oh right.

Pansy: Curses, foiled again.

Ginny: Get over yourself, you Pansy.

Pansy: I hate it when people use my name like that.

Draco: B-b-b-b-but, b-b-b-b-but, b-b-b-b-but, b-b-b-b-but -

Baljeet: There is no candy in me/There is no candy in me/I am just a little boy!

PLATYPUS! (What the heck is a platypus?): Grr.

Baljeet:There is no candy in me/Your mother is blindfolded/So she cannot see/She attacked me with a bat/There is no candy in me!

Buford: Nerd ain't no piñata!

Pansy: Hem, hem.

yoneld: I am Siriusly considering making Umbridge my #1 Most Evil Thing of Evil.

Everyone ever: What, isn't she your #1 Most Evil Thing of Evil yet?

yoneld: No, chairs are. But Umbridge is #2.

Everyone ever except the vague possibility of other sane people at yoneld's school: Chairs? Siriusly? That's your idea of an evil thing of evil?

yoneld and the vague possibility of other sane people at his school: Yes! CHAIRS ARE EVIL!

Vague possibility of other sane people at yoneld's school: At least the flying variety is.

yoneld: Actually, now they constantly get stuck in my crocs. WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE CHAIRS.

yoneld's mother: Okay, that's enough.

Pansy: Yeah, nobody cares. Draco, you were saying?

Draco: Have you forgotten the Yule Ball already?

Pansy: Oh right… didn't Goyle say that dancing is for pansies, and then you invited me?

Ginny: Hem, hem.

Chairs: *are no longer yoneld's #1 Most Evil Thing of Evil*

Umbridge: Now that chairs are no longer yoneld's #1 Most Evil Thing of Evil, guess who gets to be yoneld's new #1 Most Evil Thing of Evil?

Snape: Me?

Ron: *excitedly* Snape?

Umbridge: No! Me! Yo mama! Eh heh heh heh heh heh heh der der der.

yoneld: Snape is nowhere near my Top 100 Most Evil Things of Evil list!

yoneld's friendly-friend: I sure hope so!

yoneld: Dude. My parody readers are trying to get some stuff of iheartmwpp's caliber. Nobody needs to hear you fanboy over Snape. Why don't you watch AVPM or AVPS? It almost turned me into a fanboy.

yoneld's friendly-friend: M'kay. *watches AVPS and fanboys over Snape*

yoneld: Sure glad that's over! Also, stop breaking the fourth wall.

Umbridge: We had a fourth wall?

yoneld: Touché.

Ginny: Anyways, so yeah. I get to kiss him later and we get married after this crap is over. And NOBODY MESSES WITH THE BOY WHO LIVED! HE KILLED THE DARK LORD WHEN HE WAS A BABY!

Ron: You too, sis?

Hermione: STEALING RON'S LINES IS MY ROLE!

Weasleys: NOT OUR SURROGATE BABY BROTHER!

Snape: WHAT THE DEVIL IS GOING ON HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE?

McGonagall: BOOM!

Snape: Crap. *runs for his life*

Filch: Students out of bed! Even though I probably know that Snape called that assembly!

McGonagall: Exactly, you blithering idiot!

yoneld: OH GOD WHY - oh wait, she doesn't die. A lot of characters have their "awesome" moments just before they die, especially in this film.

Filch: Hem, hem.

yoneld: OH GOD WHY.

Filch: Oh. Sorry madam.

McGonagall: As it happens, you've arrived at this most apartments - oh wait, that's not it. Opportunity - nope. Siriusly, what the heck is that word? yoneld had to use the subtitles to know how it's spelled and still has trouble with it!

yoneld: No I don't. Opportune. But I did have to use the subtitles at first.

McGonagall: And now to smash my reputation of not favoring anyone: Take the Slytherins outta here.

Filch: Where is it I'll be taking them to, Mommy? And Siriusly, what's with all the fancy talking and my accent?

McGonagall: The dungeons will do. And don't call me Mommy.

Students: Yay-face! Also, I never knew Filch was McGonagall's son!

yoneld: That's because he's not. McGonagall doesn't have any kids. He just pronounced "ma'am" wrong.

McGonagall: I'm presuming -

yoneld: THAT'S SO NOT WHAT SHE SAID! All puns intended.

Harry: NO I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!

yoneld: Did someone build a fourth wall?

Harry: No, I was just ignoring you.

yoneld: Stop breaking the fourth wall.

Harry: We had a fourth wall?

yoneld: Touché. But I thought someone just built one!

Harry: No, it wasn't there. I told you, I just ignored you.

yoneld: Unpleasant flashbacks to last year…

McGonagall: Hem, hem.

Death: *is no longer Public Awesome-Moment Enemy Number One*

Umbridge: Now that Death is no longer Public Awesome-Moment Enemy Number One, guess who gets to be the new Public Awesome-Moment Enemy Number One?

Snape: Me?

Ron: *excitedly* Snape?

Umbridge: No! Me! Yo mama! Eh heh heh heh heh heh heh der der der.

yoneld's friendly-friend: Snape is so not Public Awesome-Moment Enemy Number One that it's not even funny. If anything, Snape is the KING of awesome moments.

yoneld: Especially in AVPS. *coughWhatthedevilisgoingonhe eeeeeeeleeeeeeeeeeeerecough*

McGonagall: Let me finish, dummy. I'm assuming you have a reason for returning, Potter, what is it?

Harry: Oh, that. I'm the freaking main character, for the love of Merlin's dirtiest socks! The reason is to further the plot! And I need time for that, as much as you can get me.

McGonagall: yoneld?

yoneld: What?

McGonagall: Aren't you going to say anything about Potter breaking the fourth wall?

yoneld: What? Oh right! Stop breaking the fourth wall.

Harry and McGonagall: We had a fourth wall?

yoneld: Touché.

McGonagall: Oh, and Potter?

Harry: Yes?

McGonagall: *nods head awkwardly* It's good to see you.

Harry: Siriusly? You can fight Snape but you find talking to me awkward?

McGonagall: Uh…

Harry: Well, yoneld was wondering what took me so long to respond so I was probably thinking this. Anyway, it's good to see you too, Professor. This is your moment, Neville!

Neville: These guys are going down. *gives Harry the thumbs-down* Down, down, down. D-O-W-N, down!

Review or Voicedemort will mesmerize all of you.