Authors Note: I wrote this directly after coming home from the dentist after getting a bunch of needles. I lost count after 3 and I couldn't feel my face. I barely remember writing the first part of this, I got to 400 something words before I stopped and I wrote the rest of it today with my senses intact. I figured that I should finish it. This is my longest oneshot EVER. R&R! Hope you like it! What happened in the dentist is exactly what happened to me. Yay writing from experience! As for the cement, I have absolutely no idea and was too out of it to really ask. Thanks to Galaxina-the-Seedrian for some help! I might consider continuing this and make it a request story. Platyborg getting high for various reasons and the things he does…I'll think about it and maybe a few ideas from you guys would help me decide. Enjoy! :3


One day Doofenshmirtz took Platyborg to the dentist. You might be wondering why anyone would take a cybernetic platypus to a dentist and the answer to that question is shut your face. The cyborg had some cavities and they had to be filled, so they stuck him up with needles and worked on him. Soon they were done and Platyborg was free to leave.

The dentist told Doofenshmirtz something about him having cement in his teeth for some strange reason, but the cyborg wasn't listening. He was too busy trying to find the bathroom. Eventually he found it and stumbled into the small room. Platyborg hobbled over to the mirror and looked at his face, he wanted to see if his mouth was as big as it felt at that moment. They looked exactly the same as they would on any other day but the cyborg thought they looked bigger for some strange reason. Maybe it was because he was high on meds. He glared into the mirror.

"What are you looking at?" The reflection didn't respond "Ugly jerk." He muttered and stomped out of the bathroom.

"Oh there you are Platyborg! I thought you wandered off somewhere." Alt. Doof smiled down at him.

"Doof there's this ugly thing in the bathroom and it was looking at me funny. I think I should kill it."

Doofenshmirtz just patted him on the head and soon they were driving home in the car. The man turned on the radio and a catchy tune played.

My baby's got her own way of talking,

Whenever she says something sweet.

And she knows it's my world she's a-rockin',

Though my vocabulary's incomplete!

I know it may sound confusing,

(Ooh!)

Sometimes I wish she'd give it to me straight!

But I never feel like I'm losing,

(Losing!)

When I take the time to translate!

Here's what I'm talkin' 'bout-

Platyborg scowled and changed the station.

AHHHHHHH! There are squirrels in my pants!

The cyborg turned the radio off all together and muttered "Damn Bieber…"

Doof gave him a quizzical look and parked the car in front of the building. Platyborg didn't wait for Doofenshmirtz to help him out of the car, he opened the door and jumped out. He landed face first on the pavement.

"Damn Bieber…"

"Careful Platyborg." Alt. Doof helped him to his feet "You're going to knock out your fillings before you even get inside the building."

Platyborg mumbled something incoherent and stumbled into the building but not before being stopped by a family of beavers crossing his path.

"Damn beavers…"

Soon they were inside and Platyborg was aimlessly wandering around the living room, studying everything he saw. He rubbed his chin in thought and studied the giant fish tank, and then he pushed the entire thing over with a crash. Glass shattered and water splashed onto the floor, the fish flopped up and down for air. The cyborg stared on for a moment.

"Interesting…"

Doofenshmirtz sighed and watched Platyborg stumble off to another part of the building. He filled a cup with water and kneeled down to pick up the jumping fish, he then placed them in the cup and put them on the top of a large bookcase. The cyborg shouldn't be able to reach them now. The man began walking away when a crash made him slowly turn around. Platyborg was standing behind where the bookcase once was and the case was collapsed onto the floor,

"Hmmm….Interesting…"

"PLATYBORG!" Doof yelled, he was getting a headache and very frustrated.

"Don't yell so loud Doof! My head hurts!"

"Take that! And that! No one talks about my mom like that!" Platyborg threw another rock in the air.

"What are you doing?"

"The ceiling keeps saying bad things about my mom!"

"You don't HAVE a mom, Platyborg."

The cyborg sobbed "WHY DOESN'T SHE LOVE ME?"

Doofenshmirtz looked around the building for the doped up cyborg, after not finding him anywhere else he looked out the window to see Platyborg talking to a stranger. Well, that's a relief. The dictator was just about to walk away from the window when he heard the cyborg say something interesting.

"Your mama's soooooooo fat... a car crashed into her and she said, 'Who Threw That Rock?'"

Platyborg was punched in the face and the man stomped off, after a moment of regaining his composure and wiping the blood from his nose; he went up to another person.

"Your mama is so fat she got in a monster truck and made it a low-rider."

The cyborg was hit again and then walked up to another person and told another joke. This same cycle continued a few more times before Doofenshmirtz actually thought to make Platyborg come inside. He decided against it and figured that he'd learn his lesson eventually and continued on watching, I mean he had to stop eventually right? How many hits could he take?

"Your mama's so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND THE HOUSE!"

Alt. Doof sighed and decided he'd watch him get hit one more time and then go down and get him. Just like he predicted, the cyborg was hit yet again but this time he stumbled backwards and landed in the street. This time Platyborg didn't get up, he just sat there recovering from being hit so many times. He was obviously in enough pain and had taken the last hit he could take. You might think this was good and no one would hit him anymore but you're wrong, he was about to get hit and by an oncoming car. The car raced down the street without stopping and Platyborg wasn't getting out of the street. This was going to end tragically if someone didn't do something.

"Platyborg!" Doofenshmirtz called down to him.

The cyborg looked up and waved at him.

"Get out of the street!"

Platyborg's vision was shaky and he couldn't hear the doctor's warnings, so he just sat there straining to hear what Doofenshmirtz was saying. He stood up hoping to hear better but that failed and the car was a mere few feet away. Alt. Doof couldn't watch and turned away, covering his eye with his hand. He expected to hear the impact, metal scraping against metal and the small thud of the cyborg's lifeless banged up body hitting the pavement but he didn't hear anything. He turned back around and split two of his fingers to peak through.

Platyborg was intact and alive, standing on the sidewalk talking to another stranger.

"Your mama's so dumb I told her Christmas was around the corner, and she went looking!"

Oh thank god.

Doofenshmirtz told him to come with him in his room while he cleaned; that way the cyborg wouldn't hurt himself or wander out of the building again. When confronted about the stunt he just pulled, the cyborg's only defense was that the ceiling started it.

"This is pretty good Doof" Platyborg chewed "You really outdid yourself."

"That's my LAUNDRY!"

Alt. Doof was cooking on the stove when Platyborg casually walked in and put his hand near the flames. His hand caught on fire and the flames traveled up his arm and to the rest of his body, soon he was covered in flames and being burned alive.

"YAY! IT BURNS!"

Doofenshmirtz narrowed his eye and casually walked out of the room. He came back with a fire extinguisher and sprayed the cyborg until the flames were out.

Platyborg looked down at his body, he was dripping white foam and fire-free. He looked disappointed. "Aw…"

The cyborg got down on his knees and pulled out the black box, the idiot was proposing to a television set.

"I've always loved you."

The scientist sitting on the couch picked up the remote and apathetically changed the channel.

Platyborg put down the final apple, now DEI was surrounded by a full circle of green apples. The cyborg walked away from the building with the pump that would blow the whole thing up. When he was sure he was far enough to avoid the blast (about 5 feet away) he started counting down.

"10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2-"

"What are you doing and is it legal?" Doofenshmirtz glared down at him.

"I'm blowing up the DEI…with apples! ….Can I have permission to do it?"

"Were you going to ask me my permission before I got here?"

"No."

"Then go ahead."

"Yay! I lost my count…what number was I on again Doof?"

Alt. Doof sighed "Two."

"Oh yeah! Thanks Doof! 2…1…EXPLOSION!" Platyborg pushed down the handle and watched in anticipation. He was shocked to see that nothing happened, Doofenshmirtz began to slowly clap.

"Congratulations Mr. terrorist, we all fear you. I'm going inside now"

Platyborg watched the man walk back into the building and he pulled out a tiny remote and smiled "I'm glad I used red apples for a backup plan." He pressed the button and watched the building go up in flames.

"PLATYBOOOOOOORG!"

"SUCCESS!"

"Hi, this is Dave from Baskin Robbins" Platyborg tried to suppress his giggles and continued into the phone "You have 31 seconds to name the 31 ice cream flavors for 31 free ice cream coupons."

From the other end Rodney sat in a recliner and glared "Platyborg, why do you want me to kill you?"

"That's not a flavor Rodney! And this isn't Platyborg, its Dave"

"Alright Dave, how do you know my name?"

"I have a phone book! Ha!"

Roddenstein sighed "Platyborg, what's Doofenshmirtz doing?"

"He's taking a nap, why?" The cyborg's eye widened and he scowled "Hey! You tricked me!"

"Have a good evening cyborg and I will see you very soon." He chuckled evilly and hung up.

Platyborg hung the phone up and it rang, he answered it "Hello?"

Doofenshmirtz voice angrily replied through the telephone "Get off the phone, now!"

"Who is this?"

"Its…It's a lady bug!" The cyborg hyperventilated "Kill it!"

Doofenshmirtz rolled up a newspaper and was about to bring it down when Platyborg slapped his hand away.

"No! Don't kill it! It's beautiful!

"I thought she loved me!" The cybernetic platypus cried and hit the lamp with a shovel. Alt. Doof tried to pry it from his hands. "Stupid lamp! You won't keep us apart any longer!"

"It was a television! Get over it!"

"Gimme a D, give me a U!" Platyborg cheered. "Give me an M and a B! What does that spell?…YOU!" The cyborg pointed to a furious Doofenshmirtz.

Doofenshmirtz was getting dinner out of the oven when Platyborg jumped out of the cupboards wearing an eye patch and one of Doof's black outfits was wrapped around his head like a bandana and it looked like someone drew white circles all over it. The cyborg was wielding a spatula.

"Argh!" He cried "Thou shall walk-ith the plank!"

"Is that my eye patch?"

By the time he got the cyborg to stop hitting him with the spatula and to take off his eye patch and his clothes that served as a makeshift bandana, dinner was knocked out of his hands. So he had to start over. His outfit was ruined because the white crayon was NOT going to come out and now the Platyborg was dancing aimlessly around the kitchen with his plate and spoon. At least he got over the stupid television and moved on. It made him feel better about letting the cyborg start dating again.

Platyborg dropped the plate and it smashed on the tiles.

Ok maybe not.

"I hate your cooking. Yes."

"Quit saying yes! And what do you mean you don't like my cooking? You eat it all the time!"

"Yes."

"You don't like my food?"

"No."

Dinner was delayed yet again and the food was ruined. Platyborg flooded the kitchen by trying to wrestle with the sink, he still didn't know why he would decide to wrestle with a sink. The spoon was cheating on him with it or something, that's what the cyborg kept screaming when Doofenshmirtz tried to pry him from it. Alt. Doof tried to mop up the water that was up to his knees. It wasn't working; he sighed and put the mop back in the bucket. The bucket was underwater and the stick part of it stuck out of the water. Platyborg erupted from the water and knocked over the mop.

"You win this round sink!"

"Darnit Platyborg! I just cleaned that!"

"Cleaned what?"

"LEROY JENKINS!" Platyborg screamed out the window, he quickly ducked down as everyone walking on the sidewalk looked up. He burst into a fit of laughter.

"I felt a sharp pain when you said 'good-bye' ..."

"Platyborg, stop reading me poetry and get out of my shower!"

"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?"

"Look, I don't care if the spoon dumped you! Dating me is not an option!"

There was nothing that could ruin dinner this time because he sent Platyborg to the zoo with Vanessa. He wondered how they were doing.

Vanessa screamed "Platyborg get out of there right now!" She looked down into the habitat.

The cyborg crawled closer to the alligator "Mom it's you! I knew you loved me! Fate brought us together mommy, can't you see?"

The teenage girl put her hands over her eyes, her dad was going to kill her when she came back without the high as a kite Platyborg.

Doofenshmirtz shrugged and put dinner back in the oven. He was sure that they were fine.

"Stay here while I get you guy's dinner. DO NOT get out of that chair." Doofenshmirtz told the cyborg and walked away from the small table.

Platyborg sighed and leaned back in his chair.

"Platyborg, you shouldn't lean too far back in your chair like that, you could fall or-"

The cyborg tuned the teenage girl out and shook his head. Everything was blurry and shaky from his point of view. He leaned too far back and the chair fell backwards with him going with it. His head smacked painfully against the tile floor. Vanessa reached out towards him in shock.

Doofenshmirtz came back with three plates and sat them down, there was a lack of cyborg at the table.

"Platyborg?"

"Owwwwww…."

"What are you doing on the floor?"

"I didn't fall, I'm hugging the ground."

"Well get up from there and eat your food."

"I hate your cooking."

"What?"

"Nothing." The cyborg picked himself up and they all began eating, soon he was thirsty and got down from his chair heading towards the fridge.

"Where are you going?" Doof asked him and Vanessa looked up from her plate.

"I'm thirsty, I was getting some juice."

"Maybe I should get it so you don't-"

"I can do it!" Platyborg respond angrily and Doof gave up, the scientist sat back in his chair watching the cyborg grab a stool and place it in front of the door. Then he tried opening it; what the cyborg failed to realize is he should have opened the door and then put down the stool because the stool is just blocking the door from opening.

"Uh, Platyborg-" Vanessa tried but the cyborg angrily cut her off.

"I said I can do it!" The door wouldn't budge so he began tugging on it harder and harder. He used all his strength and pulled the door open, but it also knocked the stool from under him. Platyborg hung in the air by the handle, the fridge started to tip and he let go just as it tipped over completely to the floor. There was a silence in the kitchen and the cybernetic platypus looked down at the egg whites and yolk seeping out from under the refrigerator. Vanessa nervously looked between her father, the fridge and Platyborg. She knew what was coming and she got up with her plate, abruptly leaving the table and the kitchen all together.

"Platyborg." Doofenshmirtz said oddly enough very calm about what just happened. "How high are you?"

"No Doof, it's 'Hi How are you?'"

...


"That's it, if you're just going to knock things over then you can do it in your room." Doofenshmirtz dragged the cyborg by his hand down the hallways.

"It was an accident!" Platyborg tried to pull away from him. "The fridge jumped right in front of me!"

"I don't care! I don't want you destroying my house. Destroy your own house!"

"But I don't have a house!"

"Move out and buy one."

"You said I was never allowed to move out!"

"I'm starting to change my mind." Alt. Doof opened the door to his room and shoved him in. "I'm starting to think that they gave you a large dosage instead of a small one."

The cyborg was about to run back out when the door was slammed against his face and locked. He fell backwards and blacked out on the green and blue rug. The rug looked very out of place on the concrete floor.


"I don't understand it; he's knocking things over and talking crazy! And acting crazy! He can barely walk! I found him unconscious on his bedroom floor! I thought you gave him a SMALL dosage!" Doofenshmirtz finished telling the dentist, he had brought the cyborg back after finding him out cold on the floor. Vanessa was right next to him, petting Platyborg's head in sympathy. It wasn't his fault, they gave him too much of a drug.

"Actually, we didn't give him a dosage of anything." The orthodontist told her father.

Wait what? The girl stopped petting the cyborg and looked up at her father with wide eyes.

"Wait, what do you mean you didn't give him anything?" Doofenshmirtz asked, all traces of rage were showing on his face.

It was then that the cyborg in question woke up and gained consciousness. He yawned and sat up from the dentist chair. Two and a half pairs of angry eyes were glaring at him.

"What?"


A/N: Oh Platyborg, how I love thee xD