All I really wanted was a simple kind of life
Chapter 1 - Honesty is the best policy
Meredith slowly opened her eyes. The sound of banging on her bedroom door and mumbles of voices on the other side had awoke her from sleep. The golden morning sunshine glowed through the slight opening in the curtains. Meredith rolled over onto her side, as she lay still she tried to make out what the voices were saying. She knew that whoever was on the other side must be talking about her because every now and again she could hear her name being said.
"Mer, if you tell us what's actually wrong instead of repressing it all into some deep, dark, twisted place…we could help you" This was Cristina, her person it had to be. She looked back over to Izzie.
"Yeah, no good can come from staying in bed…don't you dare say you're fine because I can't deal with you when you say that!" Izzie shouted, she leaned slightly against the door.
Meredith pulled the pillow firmly over her head and closed her eyes shut. Opening them again she started to remember what had happened the day before with Derek in the closet. It was after she had let her patient go, she hadn't handled it well. Sitting up straight in bed, she gradually slid the covers from off of her. As she gazed into the dusty mirror on her wall, Meredith realised she had slept in yesterdays clothes. She looked a mess, Her hair was all out of place it was like she had been dragged through a bush and back again. Meredith turned the handle on the door and opened it. Izzie and Cristina stood opposite her.
"So, you are alive then" Izzie smiled, trying and pretty much failing to make conversation.
Meredith starred right through her and started to make her way down the hallway. Izzie turned to Cristina and shrugged her shoulders. Following Meredith down to the kitchen, Izzie and Cristina were talking quietly amongst themselves.
"You can do the talking" Izzie said to Cristina, watching closely where she was stepping as they went down the narrow stairway.
"What? No, I'm never good at that part its like…like talking to the dead" Cristina pointed out.
"Well, then what are we supposed to do?" Izzie grabbed a hold of Cristina's arm. "Shouldn't we like…take it in turns to speak or something?"
"Its what we usually do, nothings changed since last time this happened" Cristina took Izzie's hand away from her arm "Believe me…if you touch me again I will have to pound on you"
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Meredith, Izzie and Cristina were all sat around the circular kitchen table. For quite awhile there was silence, you could even hear the birds whistling outside. Meredith was sat still, she hadn't blinked once, neither had she drank any of the coffee Cristina had made her. She had her fingers knotted through each other and her legs crossed underneath the table. Izzie looked across at Cristina and sighed.
"We had a moment" Meredith finally spoke up in a soft, gentle voice. She pushed the coffee cup away from her.
"We…meaning?" Izzie asked, she thought she knew but just incase she was infact wrong, it was better to ask.
"Derek…Me and Derek, I was upset" Meredith leant back in her chair.
"You had a McMoment? What happened?" Cristina asked, she turned to face Meredith.
"I was breaking down…and Derek, he…he was there in the closet with me and being dreamy and all he…was calming me down" Meredith explained the answer to Cristina's question.
"So… you, McDreamy in the closet… im listening" Cristina pulled herself closer to the table.
"Is that it?" Izzie crossed her arms "That was your moment?"
"No, you know when someone looks into your eyes but they don't say anything. The perfect moment? Where the room falls silent? Do you ever feel that they're telling you that they love you?" Meredith asked, she looked at Izzie then back to Cristina. "Because that's what it felt like to me…unless im just crazy or something and knowing me I probably am" Cristina and Izzie just gazed at each other "Okay…one of you has got to say something, Cristina have you ever had that with Burke?"
"Sure, but he actually used words" Cristina answered.
"Mer…I don't think that you're crazy. I believe you can have that with someone" Izzie swapped seats and sat next to Meredith.
"God tinkerbell you are such a true romantic…it makes me sick" Cristina said in a sarcastic tone.
"Seriously Izzie! If I hadn't of walked away there would have been definite kissing"
"But…isn't that what you want?" Izzie raised her eyebrows.
"No what I want is Isabella freakin' Rossellini to just get out of our lives" Meredith snapped at Izzie.
Izzie gave Cristina a confused look.
"She means Addison" Cristina put her straight and nodded her head.
"Do you really think he loves her?" Izzie asked.
"No I honestly don't, but who did he pick when I gave him the choice?" Meredith placed her head down on the table.
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In the locker room at the hospital. Meredith was tightly tying up the laces of her shoes. She was sat in a small space on her own. Alex, George, Cristina and Izzie were stood not too far away from her.
"Is she okay?" George asked, firmly closing the door on his locker.
"Dude, when is she ever?" Alex answered smirking at his comment. Izzie playfully hit him "Ow, what was that for?"
"Meredith is our friend and she is dark and twisty…its our job to be comforting so you just cant go around saying things like that" Izzie said.
"But, he's Alex" George smirked.
"Ha Bambi…since when do you stick up for evil spawn?" Cristina chuckled, she pulled the stethoscope around her neck.
Izzie gradually walked over to where Meredith was sat "Have you decided what you're going to do about it yet?"
Meredith looked up at Izzie "Yeah…nothing"
"What aren't you even going to ask Derek if it meant anything to him?" Izzie pulled her hair back into a neat bun.
"Nope, he has a wife…don't you think ive done enough damage to their marriage? I'm the dirty mistress…think about that" Meredith got up, she found herself leaning against her locker.
"Well he isn't exactly doing much to save his marriage because he still loves you! And you even said this morning that it felt like he was showing you through his eyes" Izzie reminded her.
"Forget it Iz, I'm not doing this anymore…I am done being that woman" Meredith sighed.
"Can I ask you this one thing…do you love him?" Izzie asked.
Meredith didn't answer she just looked away.
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Close to afternoon, Meredith was walking through the murky corridors entering the nurses station she picked up a chart and then carried on walking. Focusing her eyes on the chart she was hardly taking any notice at all as to where she was going. All Meredith knew was that she was eager to find Dr.Burke to reveal the results of their patients labs. Coming to a sudden stop, Meredith looked around her. Someone was calling her name in the distance. She turned around slightly. There he stood her McDreamy. Meredith mumbled to herself under her breath "Oh god" almost dropping the chart, she started walking faster than she was before hand. Her heartbeat racing. She had nowhere to run to, hearing a load of commotion she looked ahead. The elevator. She ran towards it, hoping to escape Derek. Hiding in the elevator wasn't such a good idea. As the doors started to close, he slid himself through the opening. Meredith told herself not to make eyes with him, she looked into the space in front of her then up towards the numbers. Heavily breathing in and out, Meredith clutched tightly onto the chart in her arms. In need to break the awkwardness Derek pushed the emergency stop button and moved himself in front of Meredith. He sighed, Meredith still said nothing. Still looking upwards.
"So, not speaking to me now? What have I supposed to have done?" Derek broke the silence "Mer? I thought we were friends"
"I…I don't think I can be just friends with you" Meredith spoke up, still not making eye contact.
"Well, what made you change your mind? Was it something I did because I could fix it…If you'll let me" Derek smiled, the same McDreamy smile which would always get Meredith in a twirl.
"No its stupid…im stupid just…just forget it!" Meredith snapped, finally giving in and looking straight at him.
"I don't think you're stupid infact no one does" Derek said, crossing his arms.
"Really? Well it doesn't matter because its still a stupid thing I keep thinking of and I know how its going to turn out I don't need to talk to you about it like everyone is telling me too…really I don't" Meredith too crossed her arms. "Don't look at me like that, its exactly my point whenever you do that my head goes all cloudy...You've got a wife and let me just say this, she's not easy to hate" Derek let out a little laugh. "This is not funny!"
"No I know…I wasn't laughing at that its just when you mentioned my wife, Mer look at me…Meredith, when you gave me a choice to make, I…I chose wrong. It wasn't until just lately that I realised" Derek sighed, he looked at Meredith.
Meredith froze up. She had fell silent once again, just as she had back at home. The only movement she made was to push the stop button to get the elevator to start again. As it stopped and the doors opened, she stepped out. Derek studied her closely. She had forgotten where she was supposed to be heading. It was like she was lost.
