DISCLAIMER: Harry Potter isn't mine. I'm just using him for you entertainment. )
A/N: You'll have to forgive the first bit of drama – I needed something to fight the current JKR created with DH. The story isn't entirely compliable with DH – but since when have we ever really followed all the rules?
TITLE: I Won't Say it's Not Complicated
CHAPTER: 1. Some Kind of Filth
It was a slow rain. One of those drizzles that seems to seep in through your head and enter your thoughts, purifying them and making room for a new light. Maybe that, Lily thought later that night, was why she forgave so easily. She'd always loved the rain – always thought it was a little bit of everything all rolled into one: an escape, a cleansing, a dramatic climax, and a place of peace. During the monsoon season, that summer, they'd gotten a lot of rain. Every time the soft droplets of wonder fell from the sky, she'd abandon the dishes or the game of cards she was playing with her sister, Petunia; she'd put down the book she was reading on her bed or put away the letter she was writing to a friend, and walk outside to look up at the dark sky with only the moon to light up the rain.
And so that night was just like the rest. She heard the clap of thunder and then the silence with only the pitter patter of rain hitting her bedroom window, and walked outside.
Her feet took her towards the small playground where she'd spent the majority of her time as a child, where she'd learned so much and laughed so often. She sat down on one of the swings and wrapped her arms around the cool metal chains. She sighed and looked around her surroundings.
She hadn't had much of an eventful summer so far. It was rather lonely, really. She was due to begin her sixth year at Hogwarts in four weeks' time and for some reason she wasn't too excited. Everything had been different since the last few days of the previous year.
Lily turned her head upward to look at the falling rain, letting the drops slide down her cheeks and towards her neck. She began to swing slowly, her feet dragging in the wet sand beneath her, her body limp with tiredness. She just couldn't figure out where the sadness was coming from – why she felt so alone and weak that summer.
She allowed her thoughts to wander as she stared out at the park, until she heard the crunch of shoes on gravel and looked up. Her eyes met those of a familiar face – his black hair slick with rain, his face sallow. They stared at each other for a minute, before he finally spoke, fidgeting as he did so.
"I'm sorry – I'll leave… I didn't know you were here and I just… um…." His face looked apologetic, and he turned around, beginning to walk away.
"No. No, it's alright. You can stay," she said, watching his back.
"Are you sure?" he asked.
"Yes."
He opened and closed his mouth a few times, unable to grasp enough words to make a sentence. He gave up after a moment, and took the empty swing next to her.
"How've you been, Severus?" she asked quietly, staring at her feet.
"I've been alright," he responded, taking in her appearance. Her deep red hair was wet, hanging loosely around her face, concealing her expression from him. "And you?"
"I've been alright," she said with a small smile.
They sat in silence, both unsure of what to say.
"It's been such a slow summer," Lily said. "Every day I wake up and go about the same routine, and it's not until the afternoon when my parents are away and Tuney's off someplace that I realize I haven't worked on my summer assignments. So I pull them out and work on them, and when I touch my Potions book… when I look down at the ingredients and see what Slughorn wants us to be prepared to do this year… I… I just…" she trailed off, unable to finish her sentence. She glanced at her companion, her forehead wrinkled in confusion. She opened her mouth again, but decided against speaking, instead looking away.
"Lily," Snape began, "I-"
"What happened, Sev? In what time between laughing on these very swings, talking in the hallways, working together in Potions, going to Hogsmeade together and all that other friend stuff – when did you become this – this – this person who I don't know?" she asked. She was looking at him now, her eyes straining against tears and her voice cracking. "Why did you say what you said? When – when did you change? Was it something I did? Is there just – Merlin, I can't believe I – what happened?" she asked weakly.
Snape's lips worked their way into a sad frown as he watched Lily fight against her own thoughts. She looked at him expectantly, waiting for an answer.
"I don't know."
"You don't know?! What kind of rubbish is that?"
"You were my best friend, Lily! And people gave us crap for that – they never left us alone. You're a Gryffindor and I'm a bloody fucking Slytherin! It was all fine until those Marauders decided to poke their nose in on our friendship and when my housemates decided that you were – were – were some sort of filth. That day by the lake I just snapped – everyone was watching us and I was – I don't even know what I was. I didn't mean it – I was just mad and fed up with everyone and that bloody Potter! He's just such a hotshot and he wanted you! I was mad, alright? I said what I said out of hurt and anger – never out of sense or my heart." He paused to take a breath. "I don't know what I've become," he continue, his voice flat. "I started to lose you and I needed a group… only you ever managed to understand me. But you walked away so often… so I joined up. I'm sorry, Lily," he added after a moment.
Tears were sliding down her face – only Snape didn't know it. The rain was still slowly coming down, washing away everything, leaving only memories of hot summer days with him, laughing and playing and sharing secrets and making promises. She looked at him.
"Will you forgive me?" he asked quietly.
She bit her lip and nodded before wrapping her arms around his neck and sobbing into his already wet shirt. He softened as he wrapped his arms around her and glanced up at the rain. He sighed and thanked Merlin that she'd forgiven him – that there was still some shred of hope left to his name.
They stood there for a minute before Lily backed away, wiping her nose.
"It's getting late," she said.
"When has that ever stopped us before?" he asked.
She gave a small laugh. "Never, I suppose… but I'm drenched." She lifted her arms to show him her clothes which were sopping wet.
"Can we do something tomorrow?"
"I suppose. Just drop by sometime in the afternoon?"
"Alright."
'Good night, Severus," she said.
"Good night, Lily."
- - - - - - - - - -
Later the next afternoon, Severus Snape stood on the Evans' front porch and rang their doorbell. He stood patiently, waiting for Lily to open the door. When the door swung open, however, he looked towards the horsey face of Lily's sister, Petunia.
"Oh," she sneered, looking at him with utmost disgust. "It's you."
"Is Lily here?" he asked, his face expressionless and his tone flat.
"Yes, she's upstairs."
"May I see her?" he asked irritably.
"Be my guest – I don't know if she's even up yet." Petunia swung the door open farther and allowed him to enter, closing the door with a snap behind him and trotting off towards the living room.
Snape walked up the stairs and found the second door on his left. He knocked upon its white wood surface. When no one answered, he knocked again. After waiting a moment, he pushed open the door and saw Lily's very familiar room.
The walls were yellow. There were posters, pictures and Gryffindor banners hanging from the walls, and a black ceiling fan moving slowly above him. To his left there were two tall white bookcases, full of books of all sorts – Muggle stories and children's books, spell books, yearbooks, everything. Between the two bookcases was a white desk that was littered with books, parchment and quills. To his right was an elegant wardrobe, with a mirror to its right. Atop the wardrobe was a cage that housed Lily's owl, Hopscotch. Opposite the wardrobe was a large window with no curtains that faced the neighbors' house. In front of him was a queen-sized bed with a green duvet, precisely the same color of Lily's eyes, and between the sheets laid a sleeping Lily.
He approached her bed with caution and upon seeing her sleeping, he smiled. He sat down on the bed and put his hand on her shoulder to gently shake her awake.
"Lily," he whispered. "Liiiiiily."
"Mhmmmm…" she mumbled, rolling over onto her back, her hair falling over her face.
"Liiilyy," he said a bit more loudly, shaking her leg.
"Alright, alright," she grumbled, "Geez, mum, I'm up." She rolled over onto her side.
Snape smiled. "Lily."
"Ugghhhhh." Lily finally sat up, rubbing her eyes. "It's too early…" she moaned, before looking to see who had woken her up. "Severus!" she exclaimed, pulling her sheets up to cover her sleepwear.
"Sorry," he apologized, "I didn't mean to startle you."
"No, it's alright." She looked at him for a minute before crawling out of bed. Snape's eyes followed her to take in her appearance. She was wearing short green cotton pajama bottoms and a gray tank top. Her long tan legs seemed so stretch out forever from her bottoms, and her equally tan arms moved like an artist's paintbrush as she pulled her hair up in a pony tail, exposing her belly to his eyes. He gulped. No, he thought, she's just a friend. Don't think that. He looked away.
"Just let me change and brush my teeth – I'll be right back," she said as she walked out of the room with her clothes.
"So what would you like to do?" Lily asked fifteen minutes later when she returned to her room.
"Anything, I s'pose," Snape said.
"How 'bout a game of Wizard's Chess?" she proposed. He nodded in agreement.
They passed the next few hours eating random items out of the pantry and playing Wizard's Chess. By evening it was time for Severus to return home for dinner and so they said their goodbyes, had dinner with their families and crawled into bed.
A/N: Next chapter is so much better, I swear.
