Jesus will go down in history as undoubtedly the greatest human being ever. He was born in a small town during the great depression in 1923. As a child he was very involved with athletics and mastered the pogo stick by the age of 6. We all know how hard that damn thing is, so this should have been the first clue as to how amazing this dude was. He was also good at that lame game where you push the circle with a stick. When Jesus was bored with his pogo stick, and regular stick, he bought a unicycle. Jesus had very little time to master the unicycle because a black man stole it. Jesus ran after him screaming "that nigga stole my unicycle", but alas Jesus was unable to catch him due to the black man's superior speed.

As we all know, Jesus did miracles. One time he rapped against Eminem and won. Another time he was in a cage fight against that guy in the first spider man movie, you know, the bone saw guy. He literally destroyed that guy in hand to hand combat, when it was all over, you would think you were in the aftermath of a warzone.

By the time Jesus became an adult there was no stopping him. He wrote some great songs including "she thinks my tractor's sexy" and "eye of the tiger." Unfortunately for him, other people took credit for all of his songs. This left Jesus poor and living on the streets. He was not quite a hobo, more like a holy-hobo. Anyways Jesus just scraped by with his superior juggling skills. He would stand on street corners for hours for very little money, sometimes even in the pouring rain, or the snow, Although, Jesus didn't really like the cold. I don't blame him.

One time while Jesus was in the rain he got struck by lightning. His hair stood on end, and you could see his bones during the shock like an x-ray. It was like cartoon or something. Anyways. Jesus eventually recover from this ordeal, but he was left with a sever limp in his left leg. All his friends ditched him and called him a "pussy who can't handle a little lightning". Jesus was excluded from fancy nightclubs and was forced to live in a crappy one bedroom apartment. He was able to afford this because he made disability due to his accident. (Isn't the government nice?) He had a really annoying neighbor named Lynette. She would boss Jesus around and tell him to get off of his lazy ass. She also had a missing tooth on her front bottom left side. It made her look unattractive, even though she otherwise would have been an 8/10.

Anyways, Jesus continued doing miracles, like walking on lava, and making turtles into cheese. Until one day, Jesus was foraging for some berries. It was a sad ordeal. Jesus came upon some train tracks and bent down to tie his sandal. He heard a "chooo choooOOoooOOoOOOooooooOoooOO O". He looked up and was immediately struck by one of those things where two people push on the little handles up and down like in cartoons; ya know what I'm talking about? Anyone? Well, he saw the guy on it yelling "choo chooooew" and the guy shot Jesus because he was a redneck. The guy actually thought Jesus was black because he had a dark shadow over his face due to the trees. It was all a big misunderstanding. Anyway, the guy shot him and Jesus died. It was a sad time in Minnesota. Everyone was mourning over Jesus's death. Even Jesus old friends Mr. Rogers and al Capone showed up for his funeral. They were all sad because he was such a swell guy. But like all great stories this one must come to an end. So I leave you with this closing though…..How could anybody not like taco bell? It's cheap and delicious. There is a guy in my speech class that doesn't like that shit, but I say, screw him cause taco bell is amazing.