This was inspired by Isa's story 'My Family' which is in fact a British TV sitcom owned by the BBC.
This is my favourite sitcom and I decided to make Severus and Hermione's like that.
A/N they are living in he muggle world, just so you have an explanation for the muggle objects used in the fic.
Snape finds family life none too agreeable.
"Morning darling" Snape said sarcastically as Hermione leant her cheek towards him to kiss and then returned to her paper.
Caitlyn walked into the kitchen at hat moment.
"Morning dear," Hermione said as Caitlyn inspected the contents of every cupboard and wrinkled her nose at everything before taking an apple.
"Our food not good then Caitlyn?" Severus queried, "what about those breakfast bars you insisted on, or the low fat, low fibre, low taste cereal we had to have? Nothing appeal to you?"
"Not really dad, it's a new diet I'm on just fruit." Caitlyn answered.
"Oh that's nice for you dear." Hermione chimed in.
"Yes brilliant," Severus muttered, "we spend a fortune and you eat rabbit food, amazing." He kept muttering as he poured himself a coffee.
At that exact moment Darryl walked in dressed in a muggle police mans outfit.
"5 minutes of peace, that's all I ask." Severus pleaded to the ceiling. "Alright so what's today's project then? Azkaban guard? Hogwarts security? Your mothers cleaning squad?" Severus asked sarcastically.
"Nope dad." Darryl said solemnly. "I'm a police man."
"riiiight." Severus said and walked over to the kitchen table.
Darryl followed him.
"Dad?"
"No!"
"But I haven't asked yet!"
"It's still no!"
"Oh Severus just listen to him for once." Hermione chimed in serenely.
"Alright what is it?"
"Can I…"
"No!"
"Severus!" Hermione warned.
"Alright!" Severus said defensively.
"Dad can I borrow your car?"
There was a tense pause as if Severus was thinking.
"No."
"Oh but dad!"
"Darryl no I am not lending you my car. I want to use it this weekend and I have no wish to have to pay for the dents to be knocked out first." Severus continued to read his paper clearly showing the matter was closed.
Darryl looked hurt for a moment.
"Mum?"
"Yes of course you can dear, fill it up with petrol when you're done and be back by 12." Hermione said.
"Hermione! Has my authority completely disappeared in this house?" Severus asked incredulously.
"No of course not dear, it's just in hiding…… like your libido." Hermione said and continued to read.
Later that day.
Severus decided to sit and read the paper, after all it was his day up, and he hadn't done it for interruption during breakfast. He placed a cup of coffee beside his chair took the phone of the hook and sat down. Slowly revelling in the delight of being able to so this as no great speed, opened the paper and put his feet up.
"Severus why are you lounging? You've been doing that all day!" Hermione said exasperated.
"I've just sat down!" Severus called.
"Well get up again and Hoover the living room." Hermione said and left.
Severus said for a moment looking after his wife.
"BEN!" he called, and obediently his youngest son of 16 came downstairs.
"Yes?" he asked.
"Your mother said hoover the living room."
"Why?"
"Because it needs hoovering."
"Why can't you do it?"
"I'm busy."
"No you're not your doing what you always do."
"Look I'll give you 3 sickles if you do it."
"Ten"
"Five"
"Seven"
"Done."
Ben looked around.
"So where's the hoover?" he asked.
"How should I know?"
Hermione came bustling in.
"Severus why haven't you hovered the living room yet?"
"Because our darling son has said he will do it."
"How much ahs he bribed you Ben?"
"Seven sickles."
"Well if that's how much has giving you, you can do the stairs as well."
Severus smiled to himself and returned to his paper.
As Hermione left with Ben to get the hoover Darryl walked in.
"'Allo 'allo," he said "dad you can't do that!"
"Can do what?"
"Lounge around in my chair."
"It's not your chair, I bought it, and this house, and this paper. Therefore I will sit in my chair in my house with my paper."
Next minute Severus felt something cold on his wrist and looked down to find he was hand cuffed to Darryl.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm arresting you."
"For what?"
"For arguing with a police officer and failing to vacate the premises."
"Right" Severus said and paused, "Hermione! Get here now!"
"What is it Severus?"
Severus held up his arm and Darryl proudly showed his mother what he had done.
"What the matter Severus dear, you used to like that." She said curtly before leaving.
That afternoon.
Severus stood in the kitchen and was rubbing water over his red wrist. When he was done he walked over to the stove were some concoction of Hermione's was bubbling. The woman may be a dab hand at potions but her cooking was terrible.
"What's this?" Severus asked using a wooden spoon to poke the contents of the pan.
"Its gravy dear." Hermione said as if it was the most obvious thing.
Severus looked sceptical and picked up some of the 'gravy' then let it drop back into the pan in way that resembled glue.
"But its green." He said.
Next he moved to the oven and opened the door.
"what's this?" he asked looking at the charred remains of what ever it was.
"roast vegetables." Hermione replied.
Severus gave up trying to be interested in the cooking and walked up behind his wife and kissed her cheek.
"Severus how can you get romantic when we have a problem."
"I know but its my own fault I married you."
Hermione did not look amused.
"we'll talk about this later." She said and turned to her gravy.
Darryl walked in.
"Darryl what's the problem that your mother is talking about?" Severus asked.
"erm that I crashed the car." Darryl said happily.
"you what?" Severus shouted.
"you didn't Darryl!?" Hermione asked.
"oh so this is not the problem? This is just another one, that you forgot to mention." Severus asked sarcastically.
"don't worry dad I got it sorted."
"really?" Severus didn't look hopeful.
"yeah, well I had tried to bang the dents out with a hammer but it didn't work so I sold it."
"you did what?!" Severus shouted.
"I sold it, for £1000" Darryl smiled.
That evening
Hermione was lying in bed reading and silently fuming.
"alright what have I done? Or not done? Or did do but didn't do it right?" Severus asked tired of the silence.
"You've been ignoring Caitlyn. She's only 19 she needs her father."
"No she doesn't she needs my credit card and a car. The girl doesn't want or need me, I'm just the money vender."
Hermione looked angry and turned back to her book.
Severus sidled up to her and started to stroke her neck and whispering sweet nothings into her ear.
"Severus our daughter is emotionally scarred and that's all you can think about?"
"no there's some action involved too." He said putting his leg over hers.
"no there will be no action until this is sorted out."
"well Darryl is main problem! Where did we get him?"
"I don't know I was asleep."
"now that's not fair you were moaning oh yes."
"I thought you were asking if I wanted you to stop."
