Dear You,
It isn't easy, you know; trying to ignore you. You're always around. I see you all the time, even when I don't want to. I think the hard part, is that I want to see you. I know it's wrong, but I can't let it go. I just want things to go back to normal for us. You know it's changed. I wish you would stop telling me and everyone that it hasn't because you know damn well it has. You're choosing to ignore the tension and the pain because you want to be happy. It's funny; I bet you didn't think that I wanted to be happy too…well, I do.
I'm willing to put that aside though, because I care about you too much. I know what makes you happy, and I can see it when you are with other people. You aren't completely happy though, are you? Something deep inside you knows that what you are doing isn't right. You know you are meant to be doing something else. Maybe that's just me. But, let me tell you, I hope and pray to Whoever is listening up there that you feel something too…that you hear something in the back of your mind that is telling you to listen to your heart and go for it.
I'll always be here for you when you decide to listen. Until then, I'll just wait here.
I love you.
-Me
—
I printed out the letter, shut the laptop and sighed heavily as I rested my forehead on top of the case. I needed my best friend back. I could fix this is if I wanted to. I mean, I am the one who built up this wall between us in the first place. I was the one who was afraid of my feelings. I was scared. I put this distance between us because I knew he didn't think the same way I did…I do. I was different and weird and I didn't want him to run away. Truth is, if he would have run away, I would have broken down.
I felt that familiar ache I get when I think about him build up in my chest. I forced my chair out from the desk and snatched the letter up as I headed for the kitchen.
"Hey Harry." His usual perky voice did nothing but irritate me. I grunted in near disgust, but he ignored it and went on talking. "Got any plans for the day?"
He sounded slightly timid. "Not really. I kind of just want to stay home and watch a film or something. Why?" I retorted with the same level of shyness.
"Oh. No reason. Eleanor just cancelled our plans for the night, so I'm gonna stay in too." His sentence trailed off at the end. I cringed at the mention of hername.
Sometimes I regret forcing him away from me. He has always been there for me. The thought of doing anything together was still a rough subject, just because I had rejected any type of plans with him since he made me feel like this. He made me feel like this. I cursed under my breath as I realized just how easy it was to forget why I had distanced myself away from him the first place. When I remember, it always hits me like a ton of bricks, like someone pouring salt onto a fresh wound, and I get angry all over again.
"I might actually go out with Nick or something. You know, just to get out…" I suggested. I can't be alone with him. As much as I want to be, I don't know how much I fully trust myself to be. I headed for the cupboard and grabbed an envelope for the letter and started to head back to my room.
I felt a pang in my chest as I heard the slight disappointment in his voice as he responded with a quiet, "oh." I tried to make the guilt disappear by telling myself that it was for the best. He recovered quickly with, "well, let me know. Maybe I can get some take away or something for us to eat later." As I crossed into my room, I could have sworn I heard him finish the sentence with, "just like old times" but I pushed away the thought.
I grabbed my laptop and sat on the edge of the bed as I decided to start another letter.
—
Dear You,
It's really difficult to hear that you want to hang out with me. I wish you could understand why I say no, and why I don't want to. Everything would be so much easier if you knew. I can't risk you leaving me, though. As rocky as our "whatever this is" relationship is right now, I need it. I can't let it go. This is as close as I can get to what I want, and I'm honestly really trying to accept that, but you know how hard it is for me to accept defeat.
Sometimes, I feel like we are on two completely different paths. I see you, though. You are walking right next to me. You're taking the higher road. You're going places. You have amazing things ahead of you. I just want to be part of that…I won't though. I never will be.
I can dream though, right?
-Me
I printed this one out too and stuffed it into the envelope sitting next to me. This is a new thing I'm starting for myself in hopes of coming to an understanding with myself about all this change. I could never tell him what I actually want to, but writing it out makes me feel slightly better. I haven't found the courage to actually address it to him either. For now, addressing it toyou is close enough for me. Maybe one day, I'll be able to actually tell him all of this. One day being far far from today, when all of these stupid childish problems aren't plaguing us; plaguing me.
My thoughts are interrupted by a loud crash of thunder outside of my window. I briskly walk over to look outside and feel a pang in my stomach when I see the weather. Dark and gloomy. There is no way I can go out this afternoon with anyone.
"Damn London weather." I said under my breath.
There was a soft knock at the door and a skinny, tan hand wrapped around the side of the door to push it open.
"Any preferences on take away?" He said with a slight crooked smile that made my heart beat fast and my stomach cringe.
"Chinese, Boo." I said without thinking.
His body stiffened a bit at the nickname. I hadn't called him that since before we even left to America. In retrospect, I blame our trip to America for all of this now. Too many long nights, and too close of a living space. To my relief, he broke the silence with another faint smile and "alright, Haz."
I sat on the couch wrapped up in a blanket surfing through channels while Louis busied himself with some house-keeping. There actually wasn't anything that had to be done, with Louis being the OCD case that he is, but I assumed that this was his way of not damaging the first real friend moment we had had in several months. We had both been so engrossed in the silence that we both nearly jumped at the door when the bell rang.
I made my way off the couch to go get the door while he brought some napkins and water bottles over to the coffee table in the living room. I could hear the channel changing rapidly while I paid for the food. As I turned around, I nearly froze at what I saw on the screen; my favorite movie, Titanic. Louis knows that I love it, but never watch it because the boys always crack jokes about it.
"Do you mind? It's the only thing on that has just started." He asked casually.
I swallowed hard at the thought of sitting so close to him for over three hours. "Sure." I managed to get out as I placed the food on the table and settled myself onto the couch a reasonable distance away from Louis.
I tried to eat as slowly as possible to delay any conversation. I caught a glimpse of him out of the corner of my eye. He was so intrigued with the movie. I catch myself pretending that I am the one holding his attention and feel a warm flutter building in my stomach.
"Shit." I mumble and get off the couch in a hurry, disrupting his focus.
"What's wrong?" he asks as he adjusts his body to face me.
"Bathroom. Be right back." I manage to get out before running down the hall. After locking the door I let off a slew of curse words before I grabbed ahold of the sink to bring myself back to reality. I splashed cold water onto my face a few times. "Control yourself, Harry. Damnit." I hated myself so much right now, but I wasn't going to let it show. I took a few deep breaths and walked calmly back out into the living room.
Louis had changed into a navy blue long sleeved thermal and some gray sweats as well as his glasses. He had my blanket draped onto his lap and pulled up his chest slightly. He had a very peculiar pout on his face that brought out a bit of concern in me. I debated on whether or not I should ask him if he is okay. I sighed and puffed out my cheeks.
"Everything alright, Lou?" I said as I sat down into the corner of the couch.
"Uhm yeah." He said, though the waver in his voice indicated otherwise. Don't get involved, Harry. You aren't strong enough. In all reality, I'm not. My feelings are too strong and I don't know what is right or not yet. He has always been there for me though…Damnit.
"Come along; tell me what's the matter." I positioned my body slightly to face him, not moving any closer though.
He let out a choked sigh before responding. "I got into a fight with Eleanor this morning. That's why she cancelled today. It's eating me up inside, Harry. It was stupid, but you know how stubborn I can be. It's just…" His words trailed off and he let out a heavy sigh and hung his head.
I hesitantly reached out a comforting hand to him and soothingly rubbed it. I could feel the shock of electricity course through my hand, but I ignored it to the best of my ability. I wanted us to be back to normal, so I am going to do everything in my ability to make it so, even if it hurts.
"Come here, Lou-bear." I said as I moved my arm to the back of the couch, inviting him to come sit closer.
I could tell he really missed this. I felt a wave of guilt wash over me as I felt a small sob reverberate against the spot on my chest where Louis now had his head buried. I slid my arm down from the back of the couch to rest on his back and began to rub small circles onto his shoulder, not daring to go any lower. A part of me came to the conclusion that his crying could be from me and my distance, but I dismissed the idea. I already felt bad enough.
His breathing returned to a normal pace, and we continued to watch the movie. I forced myself not to tense up with him on me still. I wanted him to lay here, just not for the same reason he wanted to lay here.
I kept looking down at him resting his head in between my shoulder and stomach. He looked sort of beautiful. As I looked a bit longer, I felt the fire burning again in my stomach, but I did nothing to stop it. In my own fantasy, I want this. This is perfect.
I glanced at the screen and saw the credits start to roll. I glanced at the clock on the wall. 1:17 am. I nudged Louis' side softly.
"Louis. Get up." No reply. I traced my hand up and down the side of his arm and tried again. "Lou…Louis."
He smiled softly and craned his neck up to look at me. "Hmm?" He said through his sleepiness.
It was an impulse, but I brought my head down and placed a small kiss right in the middle of his eye brows. "Wake up, Boo. The movie is over."
In a half-hearted attempt, he swung his legs from the couch onto the floor, but cuddled back up into my side instead and put his head right into the crook of my neck.
I was buzzing.
He always was one for cuddling, and as much as I wanted to stay here, frozen like this, an ever-prominent warning from down below was alerting me to evacuate the situation.
I put a hand on the side of his cheek and turned his face up to look at me. "Come on." I encouraged. In response, he stuck his tongue out and shook his head slightly. "Stop." I said in a mock serious tone. He scrunched up his nose as he detested my suggestion.
Another impulse- I kissed his nose right on the tip, and kept it there. I liked being that close to him.
"Harry, what are you doing?" He asked curiously. It was becoming very evident that he was waking up. I however, still hadn't left my little dream world.
He pulled away much to my dismay, and set himself up straighter, but still facing me.
"Thank you, Haz. I'm not really good at this whole 'not talking' thing." His words had a clear double meaning, but he let it roll on like it was nothing. He knew I caught it, and that's all he wanted.
He leaned in for a hug. I didn't have enough time to register what was going on, but I just let it happen. I pulled him in close to me, knowing just how much he needed this. I might have needed this just as much.
We pulled apart slightly, but kept are arms in the same place around each other. I could tell he was hurting by looking at his eyes. I want to be the one to make him stop hurting. I hate seeing him like this.
"Harry, what are you doing?" Now I was the one waking up.
"Nothing. Why?" I asked as we let go of each other.
"Were you about to kiss me?" He asked dreadfully slow.
"No. No. I wasn't." I fumbled over my words, not sure what order they came out in.
Louis looked at me with a twisted, confused face.
"Good night, Louis." I pushed myself off the couch and stormed off to my bedroom. I turned my computer on and opened up a new document.
—-
Dear You,
I am an idiot.
-Me
