"I think I'm in love with you. And I'm terrified."
"Me too"
Holy shit. She doesn't hate me. I would hate me after everything I put her through. Thank god no one else is home. Nothing we are doing is intimate, yet it feels as if a breeze could pop our bubble.
She reaches for my hand, at least I think that's where she's going. I let her. I know I shouldn't, what happened last time should be punishment enough that I can't help others. I'm too heartless for even that. But I'm weak and so desperate for something I'm never going to get. The feeling of being needed back. My last relationship was so bad. I initiated everything. The first text (which became all the time), from cuddling (one day). He gave me NOTHING. Except for a need for anxiety meds. yay. He was your stereotypical hot boy. Blond hair, tan, blue eyes. Played football, a year above me. Had all the friends. Rich, with a huge house. And he was a year older than me, With a perfect name, Eli.
At least I dumped him. I was tired of giving everyone else support, and getting none back. Not even a "hey, are you ok?" Even if it wasn't really meant. I had seen a total of three therapists, all who sucked. I took the same social anxiety test at least three times. YES, I KNOW I HAVE SOCIAL ANXIETY!
Flashback to present. She's got my hand. We are lying in my bed. (Yes I realize how that sounds.) The realization of everything I just did comes rushing back. I just told her I loved her. Barely a week later after what happened. I can't even get myself to tell it. God forbid mention it.
"You okay?"
"Are you sure you want to trust me already?"
There was a beat of silence. That impending, painful silence. Maybe I pushed her too far. Maybe I was too pushy. I can't even love myself, how someone as amazing and trustful as her even want to be friends with someone as horrible as me. How could she?
"Bryn… You did nothing wrong. You couldn't have stopped"
"NO! DON'T YOU MENTION HIS NAME! IT WAS ALL ME!"
"You don't understand.."
She moved closer, but I turned away. She thinks because she was an outsider, but she knew him, that she can try the whole its not your fault thing and I will become a better person and be capable of emotion again. It will never be the same again. I will never be able to be the same again. I've learned to accept that. God knows how long we've been here like this. I want to fall in love with here. What harm could it do?
