Summary: His advice for getting the life you wanted? Screw up everything. Wander aimlessly, be blinded by what you've been taught and don't ask questions. Decide you don't really want this, and then nearly die in the forest. That's a good start… You can boost the odds by calling the girl, who dragged you out of that forest, all sorts of names while she tries to save your life...

"This war has changed everyone. We are not the same we were five years ago. I'm not sure who we are anymore. And it terrifies me to think of what we will be, if we ever survive this."

A/N: Hi! I started this story back on 2013 and never finished. But now I'm back! 4 first chapters are edited and the rest is new. I'm trying to update weekly.

Disclaimer: Nothing but the plot is mine. All you can recognize belongs to the mastermind J. K. Rowling and the lyrics in the beginning of every chapter are a work of art by the band Poets Of The Fall.

What is beauty compared to grief
What is joy in league with sorrow
A dead rushes' fleet drifting on a quiet tide

N' does a sunset know its worth
Making yesterday tomorrow
Is there a silence on this earth before every tear's been cried

~ Poets Of The Fall, Rebirth~

This was it,

the end

He was finished

finito

caput

dying.

But why the fuck was dying this hard? this painful?

Wasn't he just supposed to feel nothing and walk towards the light.

But no, of course not. Why on earth was he expecting that after everything, all the sins, all the crimes, he'd be let go painlessly.

He had been numb for so long, but now, as he lay dying, he was feeling it all.

Never had he been so aware of his beating heart, pumping blood out of his system. He felt every stone and knot on the ground he was lying on, and the pain…it was everywhere, blinding, consuming.

Dying made him think of his life, or the pathetic miserable excuse of a life, he had lived, but also of the times, long ago, when he recalled being happy.

Flying for the first time…

His mother laughing and hugging him on the garden…

His mother's beautiful blooming garden…

The smell of flowers in Amortentia potion…

First ride on the train to Hogwarts…

Chocolate frogs and Berttie Bott's…

Befriending Theo Nott and Blaise Zabini on their third year…

the yule ball…

Pansy Parkinson on her underwear…

the last drunken summer holiday between fifth and sixth year…

...After that it had all been just a prelude to this: him lying dying on the ground.

What if he had done things differently? Would he have been able to change the course before it was too late?

When was the point of no return?

The more he had thought about it, the more certain he was: He was born to this fate, like saint Potter was born savior, he was born a villain…No changing the course of fate... no matter what he would have done, this would always be the result sooner or later, he was sure of it.

Please death, don't make me relive my life on these last moments….

He closed his eyes and waited.

"MALFOY!"

Why the fuck where the voices of death calling him Malfoy?

A soft hand landed on his shoulder.

Yes, he was more than ready to leave this aching body behind, so he opened his eyes.

nonono….this couldn't be happening!

He had expected some angel or maybe a spirit of someone he'd recognize. Someone comforting!

But he was seeing Granger! Potter's best friend, know-it-all, golden girl Granger! Was this his personal hell or what?

Suddenly he did not want to die so much and opened his mouth to complain. But before he got to that everything went black.

.

.

.

Next thing he knew was waking up, sunlight hurting his eyes. Then the bang of pain all over his body.

The damn pain again! Why couldn't he be dead and painless already!

He blinked, and instead of the forest he expected to see, he saw books.

Piles and piles of books, on the table, the floor, the selves…where was he?

"Don't move! It'll hurt more!" Said a soft voice as she walked into his view.

She was nearly exactly how he remembered her from the Manor: Her figure was still petite, her hair still unruly, her eyes still chocolate brown. But she seemed tired and worn, and there was sadness in her eyes that made her look very different from their schooldays.

This was Hermione Granger five years into the war.

"I think I've gotten the most lethal wounds stop bleeding. Your damages are quite severe. I was not sure if you were conscious enough to swallow so I was waiting for you to wake up before I could give you potions for pain. "

It took him a moment to understand what she was saying.

"The books say that when the bleeding is stopped you can be lifted in the seating position. But I was afraid to do that either as long as you were out." She flicked her wand, "stay still"

Pillows appeared behind his back, so he was in a half sitting position on what seemed to be her sofa. She handed him a cup.

He glanced it suspiciously...

"Come on Malfoy, do you really think I would have gone through all the trouble to get you here just to poison you? It's anti-pain potion, drink up."

He shrugged and drank, better be poisoned than stand the pain.

"Why am I here?"

"Would you rather be dead in the forest?"

"Depends on why you brought me here."

She nearly rolled her eyes, "It was the only way I could think of! You would have died there."

"So you figured I'd make a better prisoner than a corpse?" He already knew that wasn't the case. She and her boy-toys had always been too noble for their own good. Maybe she had saved him to feel better about herself…

"I wouldn't say a prisoner, rather a patient"

"You are not a healer! It takes at least six years of training to become one!"

"I'm not, I'm learning!"

"Great, so I'm some test object? That s just great, Granger! Lucky me I didn't die in that forest!"

Of course! She wanted to learn, but didn't want to test anything on her precious friends. Who would be better test dummy than a pathetic Death Eater.

"Whatever Malfoy! If you want to see it that way, fine! I'm not keeping you hostage here, you're free to leave. You might even stay alive for a day or two, but the damages you got will eventually kill you. And trust me, it won't be painless or easy."

So he had two brilliant options! Stay and let Granger heal you, owe her a life debt, or go and die in two days in agony. Great! Just great! Fuck!

"And if I choose to stay?" He didn't even dare to look at her.

"You will live here as long as you're healed. You let me do the spells on you and drink the potions I give you. I will not try to hurt you intentionally. I'm not asking you to redeem yourself nor will i feed you any propaganda. But I'm demanding you to treat me with some respect while I save your life! You call me mudblood one time and I will kick you out immediately. You won't search my house while I'm gone, and you won't try to harm me in anyway. When you're healed I will let you go, no questions asked, and you'll be free to do whatever you want. You will not owe me anything."

Right, so she was crazy nowadays. He understood some of her reasons, but he was still a Death Eater, why was he the one she wanted to test her healing spells? Wouldn't she find someone little more innocent to save. But maybe that was exactly the point, if he'd be killed in the process she wouldn't feel so guilty.

"It's not that I can walk out with my own feet." He finally said.

"So, we have a deal?"

He had a bad feeling about this, "Yeah."