Fillmore

Today's episode: The Slice

Act 1: Green Cum

At Principal's office, Principal, Fillmore and Ingrid are present.

Principal: Do you know why I called you both in here?

Fillmore: Because I refused to spoon you last night?

Principal: No. There's something in our school that I want you both to find. It's something I don't want anyone to see... it's a certain tape.

Ingrid: Is it that tape which kills anyone who watches it?

Principal: No. It's my sex tape.

Fillmore: How is that any different from the tape that Ingrid was just talking about?

Principal: It does kill people. Instead of a week, it's about a minute after they watch it.

Ingrid: Is that so?

Principal: If you have noticed, the death rates have been higher than usual at this school. Every time someone watches it, they jerk off too much and they die.

Ingrid: Does that explain why O'Farrell hasn't been here for two days?

Principal: Who cares? I never liked that fag anyway. Now go find that sex tape.

Fillmore and Ingrid are outside the office.

Fillmore: A sex tape that kills people? Wasn't that called "A Night in Paris"?

Ingrid: I watched that sex tape. I should have died after seeing that garbage.

Fillmore: Was there anyone who survived watching that tape?

Ingrid: Well, there was that one girl that the principal told us about.

Fillmore: How come it wasn't mentioned in the beginning of this episode?

Ingrid: She's in the hospital on life support.

Fillmore: So she barely has enough seamen to survive.

Ingrid: Actually, she tried to do what Paris Hilton did in her sex tape and she got herpes.

Fillmore: Dawg.

Ingrid: But do you know what puzzles me more? That this fanfiction writer doesn't spell dog right.

Fillmore: This guy might as well be called Randy Jackson.

Ingrid: Here comes the fat boy.

Vallejo walks towards Fillmore and Ingrid, seemingly drunk

Vallejo: Hey, Lessmore. What's up, Second? What's the biznezz?

Ingrid: It's Fillmore and Third. The business is we are looking for a tape and...

Vallejo: A da da da da like this in the background. Don't tell me nothin' or I'll go Michael Richards on both of y'all.

Ingrid: (whispers to Fillmore) I never knew one cup of cocoa could do this to him.

Fillmore: I never knew drinking a cup of water could do this to someone. We will have to stage an intervention.

(READER'S NOTE: Next episode: The Intervention)

Ingrid: (to Fillmore) Let's go before he goes on vomiting on us.

In the hospital

Ingrid: Well, this is it. The hospital where the survivor is.

Fillmore: Ingrid. This isn't exactly the hospital that I was going for.

Ingrid: It's because it's not a hospital for the sick, it's a hospital for the mentally ill.

Fillmore: I never knew this tape could kill brain cells too.

Ingrid: Of course it could. Look at Bill Cosby or Tara Reid.

Fillmore: That may explain why they're so retarded. How about we leave before...

A girl, 18, walks to Fillmore and Ingrid.

Girl: Are you Fillmore and Ingrid?

Fillmore: That's what it said before your line in this script.

Girl: My name is Haley and I've been scarred after watching that sex tape.