A/N: Why hello there. None of you probably know me, mostly because my usual haunts are Star Trek and Hetalia, but also because I don't wish to be known by your kind. Heh heh heh...

Just wait a bit. They'll be here soon!

The scene opens on a stereotypical evil lair (think English) with a teenaged girl sitting in a large arm chair in front of a blazing hearth. The girl has raven colored hair and green eyes, pointed ears, and is wearing a navy blue military uniform with black trim, her palms together, a maniacal smile on her lips.

"Good evening my vampire obsessed vict- I mean friends! I am the Author. You may refer to me as, Your eloquence, or My lady of perpetual grammar." Her accent was neither British or German, but something in between. "Tonight I will be reading a story from my book of evil." She let out a giggle, but it sounded more like a maniacal laugh then anything else. Behind her chair stood a tall man in a black trench-coat and leather boots wearing a metal face mask, fedora, and leather gloves. No skin was showing whatsoever. The teenager gestured to him;

"This is Ne humanus crede. He is my partner in crime. And if you try and find us, he will hit you with his lead pipe." The author smiled her evil smile, and the man chuckled.

"Mistress, you know me. I would do far worse than that..." She dipped her head in reparation.

"My deepest apologies. I should have known better." She poked him in the side, and he handed her a book bound in green leather and brass findings. Three little kids named Jimmy, Ivan, and Rinny were sitting on the floor playing with toy monster trucks, pandas, and Star Trek plushies, and were looking up expectantly at the Author.

"Story time!"

Author shook her head and chuckled.

"Yes children. It is story time. Now be quiet or Ne-Ne will put you to bed."

"Aww..." but they shut up. Author looked out to the audience.

"One last thing before we start. No one is allowed to call Ne humanus crede, Ne-Ne except for the children and me. It's safer that way." With that, she opened the large book and started reading.

"Once upon a time, there was a girl who lived in a little town in Washington U.S.A. Her name was Bella, and she had a problem. She was in love with both of her friends. Both boys were convinced they had magical powers. One of the boys was anemic and protein deficient, believing he was a vampire. The other was hairy and had somnambulism, leading him to believe he was a were-wolf. The two boys fought over their beloved Bella for years, eventually killing each other. Bella was heartbroken, and she never drank whiskey again."

Random Twihard: "What does whiskey have to do with it...?"

The Author rolled her eyes.

"Shhh! Your ruining the story! How did you get in here anyway? Ne-Ne, if you will?" The demon man obliged, dragging the unfortunate fangirl away. "OK. Now to wrap up, can anyone tell me the moral of this story?"

Rinny stood up proudly, straightened her red curls, and spoke.

"Pursuit of the sins of the flesh will lead to the demise of the soul." She paused, trying to remember something. "Oh! And the liquor cabinet is off limits." Ivan looked shamefacedly at his shoes. The Author smiled.

"Accurate to the letter my dear. Now off to bed you two." She picked up the sleeping Feli and and grabbed the hand of a sheepish Ivan, with Ne-Ne holding the hand of Rinny. They lead the children to the bedroom, where many other children slept in beds of their own. Author tucked them in and kissed them goodnight after they said their prayers and crawled into bed. Ne-Ne stood to the side watching, but a blush was brought to his face beneath the mask when Rinny kissed him on the cheek.

"Nigh-nigh Ne-Ne!" the little ginger child pulled up the covers and was quickly asleep with the others. The Author and Ne humanus crede left the large bedroom and closed the door silently, deferring to the kitchen, where they feasted upon a multitude of fruits (NOTE: Avocados ARE SO a fruit, Miss Sunshine girl.). Author turned twords the audience.

"And now that you know, are you surprised that I run an orphanage? Or does it seem fitting?"

She laughed, but this time it was more genuine.

A/N:Ok, so this is not really pure fanfic I suppose. It's more of a crack-stick idea that I came up with. You know, teaching orphans life lessons with crappy Twilight parody stories in which all the characters die? Eh, whatever. REVIEW PLEASE! Flames will be used to warm the home of the poor orphans! DO IT FOR THE CHILDREN.