Disclaimer: Katekyo Hitman Reborn and its characters belong to Amano Akira. I achieve no financial gain with this, only a frustratingly persistent tenosynovitis.
Betas: Cheshire XIII, Vain Gloriousness (chapters 1-5), Mishaa (prologues)
Feedback: Greatly appreciated!
A/N: I wrote this fic originally in Finnish and after my friend (cheers, Emmi!) told me I should translate it to get more readers (since I don't know any Finnish KHR fans and there are no sites to publish it) I decided to give it a try. It's my first time translating one of my stories, so I'm very grateful to Emmi for urging and encouraging me with my sometimes very frustrating job. Emmi is also the reason I didn't give up with the Finnish version in the early stages of the story, so thanks, mate, I really owe you! Oh, and a deep bow to Cheshire XIII and Vain Gloriousness for looking through the translated version and finding my errors! I might not get any readers but at least I've tried. :)
The title of the fic is borrowed from an old Roman Polanski movie called The Fearless Vampire Killers or Pardon Me, But Your Teeth Are in My Neck. The titles of actual chapters are direct quotes from movies and TV shows. Because I'm just silly in that way. Please, feel free to try to recognise them! I will give a list of their origin in the end of the fic.
Summary: Fran notices a difference in his tutor's behaviour, Bel is just confused, and Mammon discovers a way to cash in on her colleagues' plight. Just a simple story of how the Varia's dysfunctional couple came to be. B26, slice-of-life and yaoi.
Warnings: Rated M for yaoi, swearing, mild violence, and some drinking. The yaoi scenes will follow later in the fic!
Prologue I
"Yeah, our corpses died pretty gory deaths. I put a lot of effort into yours. All kinds of stuff hanging out every which way. Pretty tragic sight. I even factored in your fighting style in deciding what to make it look like. It's perfect."
Belphegor stares at the emotionless face beneath the massive frog. The green pieces of glass reflect his own expression, as the monotonous voice portrays the horrors the illusionist planned in order to increase the credibility of his charade. Blood was all over the place. The bodies were torn so thoroughly inside out the imagination of a splatter movie director would be forced to settle for a second place. Fran could even make Bel's eyes pop out of his skull.
Their opponents bought it. The illusion saved them, Bel has to admit. But they got lucky that Rasiel didn't stay behind to check the bodies. Fran has never seen Bel's eyes, so the boy probably has gone somewhat wrong in their design.
Bel is furious and at the same time extremely attracted.
God damn, that brat has a twisted sense of humour!
Prologue II
There is a new experiment going on in the Varia.
They try recruiting a new chef; a female one, Signora Mancini. Thus far they haven't had an actual chef but Lussuria or some of the grunts have taken care of the alimentation. However, Lussuria is now beginning to get too busy elsewhere and the grunts' cooking abilities fail to keep Xanxus satisfied. Signora Mancini is supposed to be a virtuoso when it comes to the culinary art.
"It's about time we've got a woman in the house," Levi reckons. Signora Mancini is in her fifties but age hasn't stopped the Thunder Guardian from conceiving questionable ideas before. Squalo ponders if he should give Levi 'the talk' before the guy's slow line of thought combined with clumsy pick-up lines drives their new chef through the front door. He fails to say anything though because…
"A woman?" Bel blurts. "But we've got Fran?"
Squalo and Levi share a rare exchange of glances. Are you going to say it or am I?
Levi sacrifices himself. "Erm, Bel, Fran is a guy."
The prince's jaw drops.
"Fran is a guy?"
Squalo sighs. For a person whose IQ verges on 160, Bel can sometimes be incredibly stupid.
That or the prince is messing with them. He has a tendency to do that, too. The surprise just seems quite authentic. You don't have to see behind the troll wig to notice that the blond is completely stunned. And lately he's been behaving oddly as well; sometimes absent-minded, sometimes hyperactive. He's been throwing questionable ideas, forgettingstuff. Squalo makes a note to himself to consult Dr. Shamal. After all, Bell is a walking time bomb; too smart for his own good. Too smart people easily snap. Perhaps at the age of twenty-six, the sand in Bel's hourglass has finally run out.
"Why in the world have you gotten it into your head that Fran is a girl?" Levi asks. Squalo is pretty sure he can live without the answer.
"Well, the brat does look like…" Bel mutters.
True, Fran is scrawny – someone might even say delicate – and maybe a tad androgynous, but not for one second has Squalo ever imagined Varia's youngest recruit to be a female. Fran even sounds like a boy. Maybe it's too far-fetched to talk about a voice break, but Fran definitely has a deeper voice than women.
"Fran looks like a skinny boy," he states as a fact.
"But Fran can be a girl's name, too."
"Belis a girl's name."
"But it's not my full name."
"Fran's full name might not be Fran but for example François," Levi offers.
"Hmh, maybe."
"Or it might not even be his real name. His background is hidden, you know."
"True as well. Wow, Levi, you're on fire today!"
Squalo is unable to understand why they still continue this nonsense. Why is Bel so astounded?
"Voiii! How is it possible for you to mistake Fran for a girl? You goddamn troll, cut your hair so you might actually see the people around you!"
"Shishi, you're one to talk."
"My hair doesn't impair my vision so that I'd confuse my colleagues' sex!" Squalo answers nobly. "Not to mention that it'd stick out in every imaginable direction like an unruly pot plant, like someone else's. Previously, your hair actually had some sort of discipline. Now you just look like a fucking Dino Cavallone!"
A complete ten-finger-selection of knives materialises in Bel's hands.
"Boss!" Levi shouts in alarm. "Bel's going to use knives in a public place!"
Squalo groans. "Jesus Christ, keep your mouth shut!"
Levi's tattling makes the prince restore the shining blades inside his clothes and a bigger conflict is avoided. Fortunately Xanxus hasn't heard or if he has, he doesn't seem to care.
Bel straightens his tiara and rolls his slim shoulders back. "There's nothing wrong with my vision. The brat just looks like a fucking chick."
"He's a he. If you are in need of some proof, you should go and yank the bathroom door open while he's in it. Shouldn't be a challenge for you," Squalo snarls.
The grin is making itself known on the prince's face again. "Ushishi, maybe I'll do just that."
Urgh, Squalo didn't need to know that, although he's secretly content that Bel seems once again to be like himself.
"Right. Well, as I was saying, it's about time…" Levi is about to repeat his original notice when he gets interrupted again.
"What about Mammon?" Bel points out.
"Mammon is–!" Levi starts and immediately snaps his mouth shut. He looks again at Squalo. Seriously, one doesn't often get to see this kind of thought exchange in the Varia.
"Mammon is…" Squalo attempts. He has always referred to the Varia's own Arcobaleno with the masculine pronoun (he's also referred Fran with it which concludes that Bel doesn't listen to his superiors) but when he really starts to think about it, he's not completely sure anymore. He remembers the other members have spoken of Mammon as a he, too. Or have they? Didn't Lussuria once blabber about some 'girl's night out' which – besides himself – only the hooded illusionist was invited to?
"Fuck it, I don't know!" he scowls. "Mammon doesn't count."
Bel is seemingly enjoying his colleagues' confusion. "Lussuria then?"
"Oh, alright," Levi gives up. "I'll rephrase: It's about time we get a woman you can actually identify as female."
The conversation dries up, and Levi decides to never open his mouth about things he's not one hundred percent certain of. Unfortunately for others, he remembers his decision all the way until the evening of the very same day.
