A/N: Well, here goes my replacement crackfic! Didn't rip off of anyone's fanfics, I SWEAR.


1. Why the Owl World Has No Nuns (To Boast)

It was time to recruit staff.

I was so glad at the grand opening of my newest diner, the Milkberry Café that I hadn't bothered to notice the ugly work relationships sprouting up.

The cook and matron were having an affair.

I, as per usual, shouldn't have known about this.

Seagull splat on my midday excursions. Racdrops on that upset stomach…stupid diarrhea…

"Don't tell me, next you'll be making a reference to Pepto-Bismol."

Gylfie?

"What the hag are you doing in my nest, Gylfie?"

I didn't understand why I had a nest, either.

"Don't ask," she replied, hastily jumping out and dusting off her butt feathers.

I had always assumed that cook was a guy.

Well apparently, I guessed wrong. It's his voice. You can't tell if he's got a deep or a high-pitched one. It's so, so gay.

Gylfie told me so, in her ridiculously long words, "The greatest imbecility of our crude generation of new strigiformes originates in the fact that our frequent transgenderal references and freedom in cross-dressing is an accepted dogma," she explained to me as if I was a small owlet, "and the elementary reason is because of our king."

I blinked three times before I got what she was saying.

"I'm gonna go get supervise the staffing at the cafe. You wait here."

Before I was out of the hollow, the elf owl already had the latest edition of Playbird out.

Soren and Kludd were having a shouting match in the dining area, over the last muffin.

The younger barn owl sat on his nephew's lap (he was stroking Soren's butt) and pouted, all the while jabbering away to Digger on his Magenta Motorola Razr V3i, "Diggy, please don't leave me!"

I could hear Digger's response from the other side of the line, and wondered how Verizon Wireless could have reception in Hoolemere, "I'm sorry Soren, but it just isn't working out between us! Besides, you're a total player! I'll bet you have Coryn hunched up giving you surprise butt sex already!"

Coryn was quickly shooed away.

Soren coughed up a dry pellet, and started sobbing uncontrollably, "But I LOVE you!"

I thought I could hear Digger cringe on the other side.

"Hag it, you little chibi," Kludd screamed, "the muffin is MINE!"

Bubo was refereeing.

"Actually," he took a bite into an apple and pointed out, "he got to it first, Kludd; Soren had a scheduled appointment with the muffin."

"Look, just because he's a transvestite and I'm not, doesn't mean…" Kludd began angrily.

Soren plucked at his denim mini skirt, tears glistening in his eyes, "Oh, sure, like you've never tried it before…"

"I haven't," Kludd snapped, as he shoved a blue hair ribbon down his tail feathers.

"But Soren," Bubo threw the half-chewed apple at Kludd, "was not desperate enough to go out with a hagsfiend. Moreover, he did not get dumped by the hag in question."

"That's it, you are so frinkin' dead," Kludd screeched with mutiny. He dive-bombed towards Bubo's overstuffed balls.

Yes. His balls.

Honestly.

Then I remembered something vastly important, something that stopped Kludd in his tracks…

"Oh, yeah, I'm straight," He slapped his head, and changed course and attacked Soren instead.

The barn owl shrieked, and dropped his cell phone.

But not before he was able to text Gylfie.

She came charging in a minute later, wrapped up in a skimpy beach towel.

"Skinny-dipping?" Soren asked, pushing his brother into the writhing forms of matron and cook (they were still making out) and walking towards the little owl.

"Mmmhm!" Gylfie smiled. Her voice change, from being so philosophical to entirely bimbo-sounding made me suspicious.

"Give me all the details!" Soren hooted, dragged Gylfie onto Kludd and sat on his brother himself so that Kludd was slowly suffocating.

As Soren and Gylfie flattened the struggling form of Kludd, I wondered how owls could skinny-dip, and then cleared my mind of the disturbing image it brought.

"Soren, dear," I took out the newspaper, "didn't you have an appointment with the muffin?"

Kludd seemed to have heard my words. With a sudden burst of strength, he rushed out from underneath the gossiping Soren and Gylfie, "It's MINE! ALL MINE!"

I grimaced as Bubo sat on him again. He was this close to the muffin.

"You can't touch the muffin without an appointment," he rumbled, "it belongs to America!"

What the hag?

Coryn reappeared.

I blinked.

Why was he holding an iPod? And why was Eglantine still attached?

And why wasn't she censored?

I mean, guns are bad, but incest-crazy aunts are A-okay?

Bubo sighed, and started leafing through the phone directory, "Hm," he muttered to himself, "another subscription to Playwolf wouldn't be bad either…"

He had two? Even Gylfie didn't have that one yet.

And she got all her information from Coryn.

Kludd managed to get up again, but yelped as Gylfie tried to make out with him.

Jumping out from Gylfie's jaws (the elf owl had recently taken an interest for males) as if he was scalded, Kludd confronted me, "why didn't you help me get rid of them hanging onto my back?"

"I thought it was part of a game," I said absent-mindedly, sipping my tea.

"But she was hurting me!"

"I know. It looked like fun."

I thought he was going to attack me.

But then Nyra walked in.

In a nun's outfit.

My Glaux.

"She's so hot," Bubo whispered.

Gylfie had Soren's phone plugged to her ear, chatting with Digger.

"Ohmiglaux! Hag no!" She giggled and pulled the towel around herself more tightly (not before giving Kludd a good look), "you did? But you're, like, so not emo! Or you'd be here at the Milkberry Cafe!"

I stopped drinking my Earl Grey, and narrowed my eyes.

In exactly 3 seconds, I was up and charging at Gylfie.

Kludd I'd grudgingly accepted, Soren I took because he wouldn't take any hints, Bubo I'd decided to later use acute arsine poisoning on, Gylfie was unshooable, Nyra was a blubbering idiot, but I will NOT accept an emo. No frinking way.

I wrenched the phone out of Gylfie's hands.

Seriously. Digger was like Sasuke without the absurd haircut, and about ten times more emo.

I remembered the last time I had Sasuke over.

Every time I tried to talk to him about breaking up with Kakashi, he sang I Must Be Emo under his breath.

I had to get stitches for head-walling.

Dang it, I'm head-walling again.

Really, who was here to serve at the diner anyhow?

"I'm here to apply for a job!" Nyra announced.

Finally.

But she was in a nun's outfit.

"Nyra, can I have your autograph?" Bubo rushed forward, a quill and his butt stuck forward, serving as paper.

I can't have nuns, owls don't even worship anything.

Thunder and lightning erupted outside.

Oh, sorry. I mean, they acknowledge a "Glaux", but that's about it.

And besides, Nyra's the least religious of this crazy crew of owls.

And if the Owl World had nuns like this, I think I'd rather stay in my own universe.


A/N: I know, I know. I like, ripped off littlekuriboh like a bazillion times. Ran out of jokes. Sorry.

If you don't like this, please don't review. And for my crackfics, I'm not allowing flames either.

Sorry for all you flamers out there!

I'm bored again.