In all honesty, Babs knows it stupid. She knows it's pointless. Meaningless. She knows when the time actually comes and she's watching the timer tick down to its last second, that she'll regret this choice. Rue it. Curse the day she had decided pushing him away would somehow make it hurt less when she finally loses him. Ignores how she knows she will nevertheless find herself screaming, begging, pleading at the jaws of death clamping around his throat to not take him away. To somehow give her more time than she deserved with him. To let her revise her choices.
And by some miracle or luck or divine intervention. She'll get her wish and for the umpteenth time she'll find herself sitting by his bedside, counting the beeps and every breath inhaled. Wondering bitterly- as she grips his fingers in her own- how many more close calls will it take for dick to be dragged to the edge before she can manage to let him in. She knows they happen far less than most and that Dicks injury record is cleaner than Bruce (which was not saying much)
And maybe that's why she knows this won't be the last time she wheels herself out of the medic room before he wakes.
That she'll leave it to Bruce to comfort his son when he opens his eyes, confused and in pain. That she'll only come back when he has that stupid assuring smile re-plastered on his face and she'll smile back because she's a coward and she'll push him to the brink to face himself when he needs to but never when she's being pulled too.
Instead they'll both just continue this charade, ignoring the way their hearts ache or how smiles never seem to reach eyes.
Because dick lives free. He lives leaping and jumping from one line to the other, hands always outstretched in blind trust for the next person to catch him before he falls and Barbara lives curled and tucked away, riding the waves and hurdles, urging them to go faster and bigger but always on her own terms because she doesn't have the bravery to peer over the edge and leap.
It's a different kind of bravery and one she doesn't have. And that's why she'll stay away. Because Dickie deserves someone who'll grip his hand, look him in the eyes. And jump.
