Darling Lily

by Murdoc Niccals

So once there was a wickedly hot teenage girl named Lily Tosser. She had spiked magenta hair and glowing purple eyes and implausibly large breasts for an eighteen year old and everyone at her high school threw themselves at her feet except for the popular kids who hated her just for existing because she was *different*. But she didn't care because she was awesome. And hot. Wickedly, awesomely hot. She had tits the size of beach balls and a waist the size of a Barbie doll's, man. The fact that her torso didn't snap in two like a twig was a small miracle that modern science have yet to fully understand.

But she was all like 'fuck you guys' because she was just so hardcore, you know? Fuckin' metal. And needless to say she'd had a very traumatic life – her parents had died in a dramatic accident (it involved a 1987 Pontiac Trans Am, two rodeo clowns, and a great deal of whipped cream) two years before she'd been born. Since then she'd been shuffled off to foster home after foster home, to adopted parents who just didn't love her because she was oh so very *different* and edgy, threatening her fellow 'sheeple' classmates with knives and the occasional shiv and setting fire to the school auditorium in the middle of the senior class production of 'My Fair Lady'. She knew she was really a good girl deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep down, but was just misunderstood by people in authority who took those actions as the signs of a truly disturbed mind.

Lily loved Gorillaz, and thought of herself as Gorillaz' biggest fan. She had every piece of Gorillaz memorabilia she could get her hands on, including the large billboard advertising 'Demon Days' that she'd cut down with a chainsaw and kept hidden in the garage. But she had a secret crush on the dim-witted lead singer 2D and a not-so-secret crush on the pretty Japanese guitarist Noodle and vowed one day to bear both of them children. In fact she wrote them letters everyday telling them as much, at least until she'd received a cease-and-desist letter from the legal department of Gorillaz' label, warning her that they would take out a restraining order on her if she didn't stop. She had the letter professionally framed and hung it above her bed.

One day after school was over she stumbled across Kong Studios, which was a neat trick as she was an American, living in America, and she didn't remember ever crossing a large body of water to get to England. She nearly creamed her leather pants with sheer glee. At last! Her stalker fantasies were about to come to fruition! 2D and Noodle were within her grasp!

So she merrily leapt up the steps to Kong Studios and was then violently dismembered by the zombies surrounding Kong Studios 'cause she was a stupid little twatwaffle that no one would ever enjoy reading about.

THE END

MURDOC SEZ: Happy April Fools' Day, you lot. Don't take this too seriously, it's all in good fun.