Look Again

(I hate Crowfeather! Oh well, review please.

Disclaimer: If I owned Warriors, Nightcloud would have a happy ending.)

I loved him. I loved Crowfeather with all my heart. Some might tell you that I had no heart, or that it was twisted, bitter and broken. If it was broken, he broke it. If it was bitter, he planted that bitter seed. If it was twisted, he twisted it out of shape. And yet, I loved him. He was mine, but not mine.

I loved him and hated him in equal measure. Loved, because he was Crowfeather. Brave, handsome, strong and perfect. Hated, because he lied. He never loved me, never truly wanted to be my mate. His heart was in the forest picking leaves with that Leafpool. His heart was in the mountains mourning that Feathertail. Both sweet and kind and friendly. My opposites. My enemies.

Sometimes I go to the highest point of the moors and I yowl to StarClan.

"Why can't he love me? Why can't he accept Breezepaw? Why does his heart lie elsewhere?" I pull my walls down and I ask, why?

My heart is broken, that's true, but he could mend it. Yet every day he smashes another little piece. Another scar appears. And the pain, it blinds me. It claws at my chest like a wild thing. Like an adder and a badger and a fox. The pain is there when he looks at Breezepaw with contempt. It is there when he stares at Leafpool in a gathering or when he looks in the direction of the mountains. It appears when he leaves the den in the night, and I know he's at the ThunderClan border. He has no thought for me, except for when he needs to prove his loyalty. No thought for Breezepaw, except to criticise.

Arrogant, selfish and disloyal. Brave, strong and stoic. Everycat seems to have a different opinion of him. I know what they think of me too. I've heard the whispers. The rumours. Overprotective, possessive, bitter, mean, arrogant. I might be all of those things, but so would they if their perfect little lives collapsed as mine has. If their hearts were ripped like mine. Nightcloud, they whisper to one another, She has done everything wrong…

….

I never loved her. I knew she loved me with all her heart. Some say that she has no heart, they are wrong. She may have been reserved, but so was I. She had a heart, before I broke it. No one can imagine how guilty I feel when she looks at me with eyes full of pain. When I see the evidence of the heart that I twisted and clawed until it could barely keep going. I hate myself, but I can't see a way to correct this terrible mistake that I have made.

I liked her. We got on. I could see that she loved me, and I took advantage of that. When Leafpool walked away I knew I had to regain my Clan's trust. Nightcloud seemed the obvious option. My mistake cost me dearly. A mate I couldn't love and a kit that it hurt to look at.

Nightcloud's pain cuts me deeply. I know I hurt her when I think of Leafpool and Feathertail. I see it in her eyes. Yet I can't stop. It's like they are such a part of me that I can't escape them. My loves. My forbidden loves. They are so different from Nightcloud. Her opposites.

I know what other cats think of her. They think that she is mean and arrogant and controlling. But I know her, I understand why she is like that. She has been broken. Torn and crushed and shattered, by the very one she loves. They call me disloyal too, which I am. They call me selfish, which is true. But they also see my good side. The loving, protecting, courageous side of me. The apprentices wish to be like me and the Warriors respect me, the mighty Crowfeather! Ha! They know nothing! Nightcloud is as loyal and brave as her situation allows her to be, but no one can see past her prickly exterior.

They should look again.