Hey ho the dairy-o! I don't own Horatio! CS Lewis wrote the books and BBC puts on the television shows!

Warning: This is an AU. Horatio was given command of the Indefatigable while Pellew traveled to England to report on their progress during the war. If this pisses you off, flame me or shut up and go find something about Horatio/Archie.

Oh, and just to let you know, I live in America and don't get BBC so I might not be as accurate about certain things. Please let me know if I get the ships wrong, names wrong, etc. and I will correct them. I get my copies of the show through a television series magazine and have only seen about 8 episodes.

This is my first Horatio Hornblower fic so please be kinda nice when you REVIEW *hint hint* Flames are funny if you want to submit those too. Feel free to e-mail me whenever, my address is in my bio. God Bless Ian!

Chapter 1 Thoughts At Sea

Horatio looked wistfully out at the rolling waves passing beneath the ship. His ship. It was for now anyway. He felt so goddamn proud of himself. He was in command. This was what his father had always wanted for him, to be strong and in charge of his own life and respected. And he was, he was. Simpson was gone, that bastard. Archie hadn't had a seizure in 4 months and Horatio was glad to see his friend finally at ease. Everything had happened so quickly, it was insane. He felt happy but there was a strange feeling in the back of his mind, as if he was trying to convince himself that he was content but was not. It wasn't doubt; Horatio was always a little worried. No, this was a new emotion, something he never realized was gnawing at his spirit. He pushed it down and focused on the men under his command.

"Styles, tie down that rigging before we lose the mast!"

"Yes, sir."

Archie approached Horatio a little more hesitantly than usual. He had a feeling that his friend wasn't as blissful as he should be. Archie genuinely wanted to help, and not be a burden and be able to comfort Horatio, not the other way round like it usually was. He was extremely grateful for all Hornblower had done for him and now he felt that it was his time to return the favor.

"Sir, how are you feeling?"

"What, oh, fine Archie. Just fine. 'Tis a beautiful sight is it not?"

"Indeed it is Horatio. But I get the feeling from you that you are yearning to see another beautiful sight than the one you behold now?" Archie asked warily. He did not want to upset Horatio but he could not deny the sense of loneliness emanating from his dear companion.

"What? I'm not sure I understand your meaning Archie." Horatio wondered what Archie was thinking and pondered on the idea that maybe he was homesick. No, that wasn't it either. He liked England but he loved the open ocean and the salty sea smell much more than the smoke and fog.

Archie decided not to embarrass his commander. "Oh, twas nothing important." He turned to leave, but Horatio's sudden words halted his steps.

"Archie, would you join me for dinner in my room? I feel as if we haven't talked in ages."

Kennedy was delighted. He hoped that maybe Horatio would choose to confide in him and if not it would give him a good excuse to get away from the lewd behavior of some of the crew and talk to a gentleman.

Chapter 2 I Don't Understand

Horatio looked up at Archie who had just stuffed a biscuit into his mouth and at the moment looked like a chipmunk. Or maybe not a chipmunk. It had been so long since he had seen such an animal that he really couldn't remember what it looked like. But either way, it made him chuckle heartily.

"It's good to see you in such high spirits, sir." Archie said after he had swallowed.

"Why would I not be? I have been given command of the ship I love. For what reason would there be sorrow on my part?" No, it definitely wasn't sadness he was feeling. God, what was it?

"Sir, would you mind if I speak freely?" Archie knew his friend would not deny him that right, Horatio was too good of a fellow to ever hinder another from speaking.

"Of course Archie."

"Horatio, it seems to me that you have been struggling with something for the past couple of weeks and I wish to allay your suffering but I do not know how to ask you what is wrong."

"Oh. Well, um, I believe, Archie, that your fears are not entirely without merit. I feel extremely elated with the situation I face at present but there is something that I cannot name, even to myself. I don't understand it at all, Archie." Horatio hoped that maybe his companion would have some insight to his predicament for he himself could not understand what was happening to him. The emotion seemed to suddenly grow at his uttering these pleading words to his friend.

"Is it that you can't name this, or refuse to, for I would never judge you or betray you, please understand that." Archie hoped that his commander would confide in him for he wished to carry Horatio's hardships as Hornblower had done for him.

Horatio thought a moment. "I do know that I can trust you Archie. I have never doubted your loyalty. But I feel that I cannot name this, perhaps I do refuse to classify it for I am afraid of my own mind. But it seems to tear at my heart." These last words he uttered in such unspoken grief that Archie instantly knew what ailed his familiar.

"Horatio, I do believe it is loneliness that plagues you."

"But I have so many companions and friends on this ship, and I do not wish to see England with any great intensity.."

"No, Horatio. Not loneliness as you are thinking of but perhaps you are missing closer companionship. Perhaps a girl you once knew that you left behind in England or someone of the like.."

Before Archie could finish his sentence or Horatio could respond to this possibility, there was a knock at the door. "Mr. Kennedy, I do believe you are on first watch tonight."

"Oh, I had quite forgotten. Thank you, Styles, for reminding me. It was wonderful talking with you Horatio. Perhaps we could finish this conversation tomorrow if you wish." Archie smiled at his friend and left him alone with his thoughts.

"Yes, of course, tomorrow." Horatio was silently stunned at Archie's last remarks. Was it loneliness as Archie had described it to him? God, his head pounded at the thought of a woman. He had never really had any experience with women before, besides a few kisses. Horatio loved women of course, it was just that he was always looking from afar, never daring to talk to one, lest he sound like a retarded fool. Hornblower had let that fall to the other men, the ones who were confident and not so childish.

Oh, damnation, would he every be fully happy?!