Title: I'll Go Wherever You Will Go

Author: FoxsDana

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Rating: PG

Category/key words: Mulder/Scully relationship. Mulder POV/Angst

Spoilers: "Requiem" and "Nothing Important Happened Today"(if any)

Dedication: To all the shipper and X-Files fans out there both present and future. To my friend Arls for reading this and giving me feedback. To the group, The Calling for making a WONDERFUL song called "I'll Go Wherever You Will Go". It was the main inspiration for this particular fic. To my husband who is the real "Mulder" in my life. And to David Duchovny who's acting talent created a beautiful and memorable character named Fox Mulder.

Summary: Fox Mulder has made the ultimate choice to leave Scully and their son William to keep them safe. Now as he sits alone he ponders if he made the right decision.

Feedback: Please....I love it!

Archive: Sure, just let me know where it's going!

Disclaimer: The characters of the X-Files do not belong to me but are the property of Chris Carter, 20th Century Fox and 1013 Productions. Any similarities to the names or places of the fictional aspects of this story are purely coincidental.

Sitting in a corner, I stare at the floor with my legs curled around me. The hard floor is the same thing as I am: cold and unfeeling. I almost feel like I am in a prison cell but this is a prison I've created on my own. This was my choice. At the time, I thought it was the obvious one but now as I sit here alone, I begin to wonder if it was. I keep telling myself over and over again that I did this to save her, to save them. If that's true then why am I starting to doubt it? I've always been one to "go against the grain" so to speak. To want to know more than I was being told. And where has it gotten me? It's made me live in a world of paranoia, where I jump at every shadow wondering if it's someone to kill me. What kind of life is that? It's not the kind of life I ever wanted to expose her to. And yet....now I have doomed her with it.

A plate of food is set in front of me but I don't touch it. I feel empty but it's not something that food can satisfy. The emptiness I feel is from a longing yes but not associated with hunger. It's a need for companionship, comfort and reassurance. She has always been there to give that to me and now she isn't. They say that sometimes you don't realize how much you love something until you can't have it around you anymore. I never used to believe that because I never had a reason to being always alone. But now after sharing those special nights and mornings with her, I do. I never actually told her that I loved her. I never needed to speak it, she just knew. She could always see it in my eyes, feel it in my touches, and hear it when I whispered. Oh god, why didn't I tell her now? Now, I may never get that chance again.

Raising my head I can see a group of figures standing in front of me. Some of them are standing with their arms crossed while others are pointing their fingers at me. They are figures from my past, whose deaths were my doing. They were all victims of this damn quest of mine! I and my selfishness and foolishness determined their lives. She had always been there to make them disappear but now she isn't. And now my nightmares have returned as well. I lower my head and place it between my knees as I close my eyes tightly. I don't want to see them anymore. Please make them go away! Don't remind me of that part of my past that I want to leave behind!

My thoughts then turn to her. I see her in my mind looking at me with that smile that can brighten any cloudy day. A smile that I looked forward to seeing every morning for seven years in our office. Her smile could lighten up any room and make my somber moods go away. And that laugh and giggle that were two aspects of her that I was able to see more of our last year of working together. I only wish now that I could have seen them much sooner than that. But I was afraid to let her in. And now I would trade every X-File, this truth I've been seeking, everything, to be able to go back those years so that I could open my heart to her. I remember people telling me that you shouldn't waste a minute of your life because you never know what might happen from one day to the next. How many times did I ignore that? We both faced danger every day in our job and yet I would say don't worry there's always tomorrow to tell her how I feel. And then just before I did, doubt would settle in. Why would she be interested in ole "Spooky" Mulder anyway? She doesn't deserve a loser like me. And then came that night that changed everything. When she made her choice to be with me. She chose ME, Fox "Spooky" Mulder! I remember that night like it was yesterday. I remember every caress, every kiss, every whisper we shared. And just when I thought my world was finally improving for the better...I was taken away from her.

I clench my fists as I think of how I missed out on so much then. I wasn't there when she found out she was pregnant with William. I wasn't there to comfort as she went through her uncertainties with the pregnancy. I wasn't there to rub her feet or her belly when she needed it. I wasn't there to protect her from harm or let her cry on my shoulder. I couldn't caress her hair and tell her that everything was going to be all right. And I wasn't even there when he was born. Wasn't there to hold her hand as she delivered our son. Or kiss her on the cheek telling her how proud I was of her. She is such a remarkable woman and is my lover and my best friend. And now I've left her alone to raise our son. What kind of father am I? Or lover for that matter?

William....

Sweet, little, William. Our miracle and the result of our bond to one another. Our chance to possibly start a new life. The child that she had hoped for so badly. I have only held him briefly but his eyes still haunt me. He has her eyes. I can still feel his tiny body in my arms. Can touch his tiny little hands and fingers. I can even hear his cry in the night before I left. Could he have possibly been crying because of my leaving? Had we truly bonded in that brief moment? Would he know me if we ever met again? If something happened to me would he ever be told about me? Ah yes, William your father was Fox William Mulder who chased little green men with a gun and a badge and rambled on about conspiracies. He died trying to find a truth that has killed others due to his selfishness. What a legacy I would leave behind for my son. He would learn to dislike me as I did my own father. And who knows? Perhaps this truth I am seeking will result in my son taking the place beside my father in the afterlife. No, I can't think that. I have to stay strong.

Scully...

Oh god how I miss you now. I miss waking up next to you. Smelling that wonderful scent coming from you and feeling your soft skin. And smelling that honeysuckle shampoo in your hair as it lay next to my face. Feeling your hair as it tickled me on my cheek. Wrapping my arms around you till we fall asleep. Your whispers in my ear and lips caressing mine so gently. The way your touch sent shivers down my spine. How you spoke my name with such tenderness and accepted me for who I am. You are truly my constant and touchstone. My one in five billion. You make me a whole person. And I ache for you more than ever and pray that we can be together with our son soon.

"Oh god, Scully." I whisper as tears form in my eyes. "I'm so sorry, forgive me."