I've hurt you--I know that,
That look in your eyes tells me so;
But still, I can't stop.
Something within controls me still,
Until I can no longer control my own will.
I don't want to hurt you,
(I know what you feel for me
and I don't want to let go)
But the poison running my brain
ignores my wishes no matter how much I scream.
(I'm terrified of myself).
Before I met you
I've always depended on the bottle
and thought nothing of it.
Even after our introductions
I still relied on the alcoholic brew
to renew my strength each night--each day.
(Now I want to stop, but it's too late.)
You're hurt because of me--
trembling against the wall,
wanting to just shrink to the floor.
But there's still passion in those eyes
burning bright as anytime before.
(God--I want to stop before
I hurt you anymore).
You tell me to stop--
(Please, please, I shout within
my alcoholic-befuddled mind,
stop, don't, please listen)
But I don't. I can't control myself anymore.
I lack the desire to even try.
(I hate myself now.)
I look into those golden eyes and see the terror,
Shining within them is your pain--
I have betrayed you
(I have betrayed myself, too).
So much confusion hides with your fear,
glits in your jewel-like eyes
(I'm screaming inside to stop,
I'm screaming inside).
New voices arrive, then my own,
(I don't know what they said--
I'm focused on you)
I didn't even realize I spoke
Until more confusion, fear, pain
Shuddered through your body and
Shines in your eyes.
The alcohol in control of me speaks
(I can't believe what it says
--Haven't I caused you enough pain?
I want to die now).
Your cower--I turn away
(But I want to hold you, comfort you
like it's a bad-dream only,
a nightmare of epic porportions).
All for ten dollars, ten dollars.
(Gomen ne, Gomen ne).
Next I hear the shots,
but I don't feel the pain--I only see yours.
(Are those tears I see on your face?
You're crying for me?
But I've betrayed you--).
Say you hate me, curse me.
(I curse myself for hurting you.)
I deserve to die.
Your reaction has achieved justice
--But why are you crying?
I don't deserve it, you know that,
--don't you?
I fade from my body,
(I don't fight it--I can't bear
the thought that I've hurt you,
Nor the fear
that I might do it again if I live.)
Still you cry, realizing what you've done--
Do you think it's your fault?
It's not, it's not;
It's my fault--I held onto the devil
for far too long--
Now I've hurt the only angel I ever knew.
