WARNING: This story is about recovering from self harm. It could be very, very triggering. You should not read if it would trigger you to hurt yourself! I hope that the message of recovery shines through but in case it doesn't I want to clarify that I am not encouraging self harm. I am encouraging recovery. This story is very loosely based on my life and I am writing it to cope with my past. If anyone needs to talk to someone about self harm or anything else please send me a private message. I will always answer and never judge.

On a more positive note I just want to clarify sometimes. I have yet to watch season three so this is like a season one and season two combo. In this story Eddie and Joy came back and Mick stayed. For sleeping arrangements Nina and Amber share their old room, the same for Patricia and Mara and Alfie and Jerome. All of that stays exactly the same. Joy has her own room, which is in the attic, and Fabian and Mick's room has been renovated to accommodate three people, them and Eddie. Also in this story Sibuna doesn't exist and there is no mystery. It is simply a story about teenagers at a boring high school.

I appreciate reviews but please remember that this story is very personal and try to avoid too much criticism, thank you.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own House of Anubis. I make no money from this story. I am not encouraging self harm and I cannot be held accountable for the actions of readers.

I am a cutter. That is a fact about me that I am not proud of yet it is part of me in a way I cannot even begin to explain. There are scars on my legs and my wrists; ugly scars that are there because I put them there, I made them. I once read somewhere in some article written by some doctor who had never self harmed explaining self harm to people who don't self harm and it said, "A self harmer is both the victim and the abuser." I guess to some degree that is true although I never thought about it that way.

For some reason today I have a lot of energy. It feels like I drink too much caffeine but I haven't had a drop all day. I don't think I had any yesterday either. In class at school the day moves so slowly I can't stand it. I feel like time has been frozen around me. At lunch I can't sit still and walk around campus with Fabian and Nina gabbing away about lots of things. My brain moves in a circle, having one conversation then circling back to one I had five minutes ago and then jumping back to the next conversation.

Fabian and Nina watch me curiously, "Are you okay Patricia?" Fabian asks, "You're talking a little bit fast."

"I am?" I say, "Really? I didn't realize it. I guess I am talking fast or maybe you guys are just talking slow. I think maybe that's it."

"Maybe you should sit down," says Nina, trying to guide me to a bench.

"I'm fine," I tell her, "I am terrific. I am wonderful."

"Patricia," she says, "Please just sit down."

"But I'm fine," I insist stubbornly.

Later that day in the room that I share with Mara I am typing an essay for our history class. "Wow," Mara comments, "You're typing really fast. I guess you like the topic."

"Yeah," I say, "I guess I do."

Mara tells me she is going to see Mick. Soon after she leaves Joy comes in.

"Patricia?" she asks, "Can I talk to you?"

"I guess," I tell her.

"I'm so jealous of Nina," she says. "It's just not fair."

"What's not fair?" I ask, barely paying attention.

"That she and Fabian are together," she says.

"I think they're cute," I say.

"How could you?" She asks, "You're supposed to be my friend."

"I am your friend," I tell her, still talking quickly, "But I'm also Nina's friend and Fabian's friend and I think they're cute together."

"Do you think Fabian and I would be cute together?" She asks.

"Joy," I say," Maybe you should just find someone else to like. Fabian and Nina are really happy together. Don't ruin it for them just because you want a boyfriend."

"That's easy for you to say," she says angrily, "You have Eddie!"

"Yes," I say, "I have Eddie but to get Eddie I didn't sabotage anyone's relationship!"

"Screw you! I don't think I want to be your friend anymore," she says and storms out the door.

After she leaves the weight of the fight hits my chest. Joy is a good friend and we rarely fight. I grab the box where I keep my razor and go to the bathroom so I can have privacy. I've done this a million times before but this time I really am completely out of control. I make the cuts fast, quickly, without stopping. Suddenly I drop the blade to the floor; I have cut too deep. It was an accident of course I don't want to die or anything like that but I'm scared and instead of getting Trudy I sit on the bathroom floor holding a towel to my arm and start to cry. I don't know how long I am there before I hear voices outside.

"Where's Patricia?" Eddie Miller, my boyfriend, asks Mara.

"I'm not sure," Mara said, "Check the bathroom."

A few moments later I hear a knock on the door. "Patricia?" He asks, "Are you in there?"

"Don't come in," I call out.

"Have you been crying?" he asks, his voice is kind.

"No," I call out, "Don't come in!" But it is too late the doorknob is already turning.

"Patricia!" he says, taking in the blood, the razor, and me, sitting in the middle of the scene holding a towel that is red with blood to my arm. "What the hell happened?"

"Accident," I manage to say but he is already yelling for Trudy.

When Trudy arrives she takes the towel from my arm and very gently looks at it. I watch her eyes take in the cuts and the scars especially the fresh cuts, the ones that are still bleeding. She pays extra attention to the deepest one, finally she says "Patricia I need to take you to the emergency room. The cut looks like it needs stitches."

"Okay," I say, reluctantly, "Fine."

Trudy, Eddie and I ride to the hospital in Trudy's car. I hold a towel to my arm and try to avoid looking Eddie in the eye. When we get there they take me into a room and clean my arm. Eddie stands next to me the whole time. When the doctor goes to stitch up my cut Eddie turns to him, "Are you going to numb her arm?"

"Why?" The doctor asks, "She cut herself on purpose."

"You ass!" Eddie says, "Treat her the way you'd treat any other patient."

"Eddie," says Trudy, a reminder to be respectful.

"But Trudy," he protests.

"I know," she says. To the doctor she says, "Doctor, would you mind numbing her arm please?"

Finally my arm is stitched up and we drive back to Anubis House. Victor is just giving his pin drop speech when we come inside.

"Victor," Trudy says, "Maybe we should let them see that Patricia's okay before they go to bed. Otherwise they'll worry."

"They can see her tomorrow," he says.

Trudy leads us into the living room and Victor goes up to his office.

"Okay," she says, "I'm going to call the guidance counselor because this isn't really something I have experience with. Until she gets here you can talk to each other and then Eddie you have to go to bed."

She leaves and Eddie and I are left in an uncomfortable silence.

"So," he says, "Are you okay?"

"Yes," I answer him, trying once again not to look at his eyes, "Thank you."

"Patricia," he says, "Why?"

"I honestly don't know," I tell him.

It's true; I have no idea why I do this to myself.

"I love you so much," he says, "Please talk to the counselor and try to get better."

"Okay," I say, "I will."

He wraps his arms around me and we sit there until Trudy comes back.

"Patricia," she says, "I need to speak to you privately."

"Can Eddie please stay?" I ask.

"Fine," she says kindly.

"Patricia," she says, "The guidance counselor says that the best way to start recovery from self harm," she says the word like it is foreign to her, "Is to spend a few days in an inpatient treatment center. So I called one and they said that they can take you tomorrow."

"Do I have to go?" I ask.

Trudy sighs and sits down in the chair across from the couch where Eddie and I are sitting.

"Yes," she says, "It's for your own good."

"Please Patricia?" Eddie says.

"Okay," I say, "I'll do it."