I truly think that love was made just so that men can gather some scrap of satisfaction when they rip out your heart and feed it to you! My heart gets continuously broken and then shoved back at me all bloody and bruised from use…
The one male in my life that I can never say no to and can never be myself around because I am scared to will never want me. Yeah sure he wants my sweet tits and my nice ass but, he will never want me as a person. All I want to hear from him is some scrap of tenderness. Any tenderness at all. Instead he bombards me with sex endearments and porn names. So much that I start to think of those being the same as "sweetheart" or "darling". I feel like my heart has been carved out and roasted on a spit before me. Thrown out there like the common whore to molest.
I feel for one moment that I am on top of the world because he has allotted me the evening of his time. But I soon find that instead I feel dead inside because I know the only thing he wants. The things that I can never say no to because I want them just as much! I want him! But not just his outer shell, I want him as a person before he was polluted! Polluted into becoming the man whore of the Earth! How could I ever have fallen for this maniac? Then I look at his deep eyes and boyish grin. I look back at those few true endearments that he texted me…and I know. He used to be sweet and good. He used to be wonderful and kind to me. Now though… he has his girlfriend to be kind and darling to. I'm just there for when he gets bored with her. For when she is out or on vacation. That's when I get him. I hate that knowledge that I have to share a man! I have to share him with some other girl that I positively hate for everything…even breathing! I get jealous as HELL when I think of her touching or kissing him. He only eggs me on. He acts like he actually feels something for me. Some small tendre of emotion so that he can keep me. The most pathetic thing is that even if he didn't…I would still be around. I would because my heart won't let me stop. Nor will my head! I feel like drowning a thousand times would make this easier! Driving one hundred stakes into my heart wouldn't even make me blink an eye in indecision.
I feel like a pathetic human being. I will never be suicidal. I will never be everyone's whore because mother or father didn't hug me. I will never turn to drugs or alcohol to solve my problems. But, I feel like my heart just broke. A lump just rose in my throat and a single tear just splashed on my keyboard. That single tear represents my hurt, my frustration, my mental abuse, and my broken insides beyond repair. I think that one single tear says more than a thousand of them. It says that because of a man…one man…something inside of me because of him caused my body to feel such pain that it created that single drop of water to flood from my now puffy brown eyes. My body was changed because of him. In the worst ways. I changed inside and outside. Became a new person; a more outgoing person who reaches for her cell phone instead of a book. Who vies for the center of attention in a room instead of quietly observing and chatting a bit from the back. Who worries over her hair instead of just tossing it into a ponytail out of the way. I don't even think I know who this girl is. She is different and when I look in the mirror she stares back at me blankly; unfulfilled. I just wish with all my heart that I could find that old girl and restore her. Yet she seems so far away that even being her myself, I can't even see her. I hope I find her someday again. She has always been the one to dry my tears.
