Hey ~ This fic is probably going to only be a few chapters long, though I might decide to lengthen it one day, and is dedicated to all that help me through the day-to-day stresses that I go through - especially my girlfriend, friends, and family. I love you all *heart* This fic is loosely based from experience, though I have over-dramatised it and changed most of the events for obvious reasons.
Change isn't always bad.
WARNING: This story will contain material that some may find disturbing. I hope this isn't going to remind people of their own experiences but, if it does, I hope things are getting better for you.
I'm getting there... Slowly, but surely ^^"
Summary: Eat it. Eat it they say. It's all Lavi hears and, though he knows they're only worried about him, he still can't seem to take their advice and move on. Change isn't always bad, but it's sometimes the hardest thing to achieve. Laven, AU.
Warnings: T rated for self-harm, mental instability, language, and disturbing content. I did warn you.
Disclaimer: I don't own D Gray Man - it is owned by Katsura Hoshino-san.
/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /
I'm tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears.
Evanescence - My Immortal
/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /
What Makes Us Human
Eat it. Eat it they say.
It is easier said than done, in Lavi's case.
"Not hungry..."
The instant these words leave his mouth, he knows it won't make a difference. Glaring at him with harsh eyes his carer, and current force-feeder and lecturer, stood before him and shoved the plate of food closer towards him.
"You will eat it," Bookman stated, tone of voice harsh, yet not angry.
Lavi did not reply, looking down at his plate with what could only be described as a grimace. Before him on a plate lay a sandwich, an apple, and two small biscuits; it wasn't a lot of food at all, yet the very thought of eating it made Lavi's stomach clench uncomfortably.
"I'm not hungry, Gramps," Lavi said with a sigh, looking to the side. "Plus, I've probably caught that bug from Alma so eatin' isn't a good id-"
The sound of Bookman slamming his hands on the table made Lavi flinch.
"If you carry this on, I will send you to see someone," the old man muttered darkly, eyes glinting. "I won't see you waste away like this."
"Fine, I'll eat. But don't watch me do it - I ain't gonna throw it away or anything," Lavi answered, sounding subdued.
Hesitating, and not believing the red head for a few seconds, Bookman closed his eyes with a sigh and left the kitchen. Lavi let out a deep breath and looked back at his plate, pouting.
Trying to be slow, yet being unable to despite his fear of eating it, Lavi ate the contents of the plate before him. By the time he finished the apple, he really didn't want to eat anymore. But he knew Bookman would force him to clear his plate so, shuddering and regretting it, Lavi ate the two biscuits and got up from the table, sighing.
/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /
It's been nearly half a year since this all started.
Gramps is starting to call me anorexic, but I ain't. Anorexic people have an issue with their weight and believe themselves to be fat.
I like my weight, thank you very much. I have a sexy figure, damn you, and proud of it.
I'm gettin' a little skinny though...
I guess having weight issues would make all this more justified, but it really isn't that. It's kinda a stupid reason; I know it is. But I can't seem to get rid of this irrational fear.
I'm scared of throwing up.
,,, Yeah, silly huh? I know nobody likes it, but I'm terrified of being sick so much that I've convinced myself eating less will somehow prevent me from puking.
I study Biology, and I've come up with such a ridiculous solution to throwing up?
And it isn't just eating - I have sleep issues too now.
It's getting to the point where I know I'll be sick, and end up in hospital 'cause all my reserves will be gone. Either that, or I'll go back to eating a stick of cheese a day.
The nausea from starving myself was awful...
I don't wanna be like this anymore. I hate it. I'm worrying everyone around me, but it's too hard to change right now.
And change ain't always good, ya know...
/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /
"Get out of the god damn house already!"
"I'm going, I'm going! Jeez..."
Lavi had woken up late. Again. Staying up until five in the morning reading, then getting up two hours later, had left the red head feeling shattered, like he felt every morning.
Lavi tried to avoid looking at the mirror before him as he quickly got changed, trying not to look at how tired he looked, his heterochromatic eyes dull-looking and hazy. He tried not to look at how flat his stomach had become, or how noticeable his ribs were, or that his suit trousers now hung loosely around his waist.
Fluffing his hair up after pulling a loose polo shirt on, Lavi grabbed his school bag, quickly dumped his subject folders for the day in it, as well as his trusty mp3 player, phone, wallet and deodorant, and left his bedroom, closing the door behind him.
He practically legged it down the stairs, bag bouncing against his back as he did so, making him wince as a folder edge dug into his side. He gave Bookman a wave, despite the old man glaring at him so venomously, and ran out the door to get the bus.
Making it just in time, Lavi boarded the 14 bus into town, finding an empty pair of seats near the back, plugging himself into his mp3 player. Putting a SHINee song on, since Alma had recently gotten him into K-Pop, Lavi tapped his foot to Juliette and gazed out the window, trying not to fall asleep against the glass.
It only took half an hour or so to get to school and, soon enough, Lavi found himself getting off of the bus and heading into the school grounds. As he crossed the playground, a sudden wave of dizziness made the red head stagger, clutching his head. It soon passed and, ignoring the thoughts telling him why it was happening, Lavi carried on walking.
By the time he reached the place where he and his friends hung out, which was a small house the Sixth Form used to relax, Lavi felt like he wanted to curl up in a corner and sleep the day away. But, knowing that he couldn't get away with such a thing, Lavi resigned himself to a day of hard work.
"Morning!"
Lavi called out a greeting to one of his friends, Shifu, who was sitting in front of a computer nearby watching a K-drama.
"Good morning, Lavi," the Asian teen replied, giving the red head a wave and a small smile. "How are you doing today?"
"Really tired, but not that bad thanks!" Lavi answered, grinning despite how he felt.
Nodding and giving him a sympathetic smile, Shifu turned back towards his programme, leaving Lavi to curl up on one of the chairs and rest a little, eyes sliding shut before he could try and keep himself awake.
A sudden punch to the shoulder made the red head fall off of the chair, startled. Standing behind the chair, giving him his usual glare, was Kanda.
"Night-time is for sleeping, baka usagi," Kanda muttered, putting his bag down and sitting down in Lavi's chair before he could get up from the floor. "Stop slacking off."
"You're so horrible to me, Yuu..." Lavi countered, pouting. Kanda jabbed a finger into the red head's side, scowling.
"My name's not Yuu, you bastard!"
The poke hurt Lavi far more than it should have done, and he promptly ignored the look Kanda gave him when he flinched and held his side, eyes narrowing in pain.
The two of them were silent for a while, Lavi finding another seat and staring out the window, yawning periodically and trying to keep his eyes open, whilst Kanda busied himself on his phone, glancing up at his red headed friend every now and then as he did so.
Eventually, and rather tentatively for how Lavi normally acted, the red head met Kanda's gaze and gave the teen a somewhat awkward smile.
"How's Alma?" Lavi asked quietly.
"He'll live dumbass," Kanda answered, snorting a little. "He hasn't been sick since yesterday, so he'll be in tomorrow."
Lavi simply nodded, looking to one side again with a dark look in his eyes.
But Kanda didn't say anything, because Kanda never asked questions. Never.
/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /
When I first met Yuu, I really didn't like him. He was so cold and quiet, and acted like he had a permanent stick up his arse the whole time. And he would always glare at me whenever I laughed loudly, or made a joke about something.
But then, one day, he noticed me throwing my dinner away. It was soon after lunch started at school, and I had tried to eat the plate of food, and given up after a few mouthfuls. That was when I was starving myself, and barely ate any food at all during the day.
The nausea from not eating didn't help...
So anyway, Yuu saw me throwing all this food away, and I expected him to make a comment, like other people had done. But, instead, he shoved me out of the Cafeteria and dragged me into town, buying me a mug of green tea at a nearby Japanese café.
He barely spoke a word to me, only telling me that the tea helped you feel better.
But ya know what? I liked that. I didn't want someone nagging me about my eating habits, or acting worried about what I was doing to myself. It was nice to have someone there who would quietly help at the sidelines, not giving me sympathy and giving me a kick up the arse more often than not to try and help me.
It's why Yuu's one of my best friends; he never asks questions. Never.
/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /
The lab was stiflingly hot when Lavi sat down for his Chemistry lesson, despite all of the windows being open. Lots of practical equipment were scattered around the room; they were going to be conducting an experiment.
All the tables around Lavi soon filled up, with three of his closest friends sitting on his own table; Kanda sat across from him, Doug sat to his left, and Johnny sat to his right. Alma usually sat beside Kanda but, due to him being ill, he wasn't in.
When their teacher walked in, the class fell silent.
"Today, we're going to be completing your qualitative piece of coursework for your AS," Mr. Tyki Mikk stated. "You will be conducting a titration with hydrochloric acid and an unknown concentration of sodium hydroxide. The explanation sheets are coming round now."
Giving them all nervous smiles, Lou Fa handed out the sheets, which everyone promptly read so they knew what they were doing.
"I hate titrations..." Doug mumbled, scowling at the piece of paper before him and sighing. Johnny and Lavi both nodded.
"I wish there was a less tedious way of doing it," Johnny said, adjusting his glasses with one hand as he stood up and tucked his chair in with the other one.
"Yeah, and I always manage to break those burettes..." Lavi added, laughing nervously as Doug placed one before him. Kanda rolled his eyes.
"The less you complain, the quicker it'll get done."
Nodding in agreement, Lavi stood up, put on some safety glasses, and began his experiment. The room was soon silent, apart from the quiet clinks of glassware as people prepared all their chemicals for the titration.
Just as Lavi was about to pour hydrochloric acid into his burette, a wave of dizziness made him stagger, though he luckily kept his hold on the beaker of acid. Putting the beaker down, and taking a few shaky breaths, the room spinning, Lavi carefully made his way to Mr. Mikk and asked to leave the room.
No-one noticed him leave, too busy with their experiments.
Lavi closed the door behind him as he left, taking a few stumbled steps towards the top of the stairs before sitting down, leaning against a cabinet behind him. He rested his head on his knees, trying to slow his breathing rate down as his vision continued to swim.
Eventually, after a few minutes, the dizziness passed. Lavi sat up tentatively, shaking and trembling like a leaf in a strong breeze. He had had worse bouts of dizziness before, but it had been a while since he'd had them.
Suddenly, the sound of someone coming up the stairs startled Lavi; it was Mr. Bak Chan. He was the Head of Student Supervision, and had seen Lavi on quite a few occasions, due to his problems.
"Are you alright, Lavi?" Bak asked, frowning as he saw how pale the red headed teen before him looked, and how his hands were shaking so violently.
"Just got a bit dizzy, that's all," Lavi answered, giving Bak a small smile. "I didn't want to drop any glass stuff in Chemistry, so I sat outside."
Bak said nothing. Wordlessly, he helped Lavi up and sighed.
And that's when Lavi fainted.
He had no idea that it was going to happen, finding his vision suddenly fading to black and the floor rushing towards him. When he next woke up, he saw Bak standing over him, calling for help. And beside him, sending him a disapproving look, was Bookman.
When Lavi sat up, rubbing his head and wincing, he noticed that he had been carried to Bak's office, the soft carpet underneath him making him want to curl up and pretend he was unconscious once more.
"Ah you're awake!" Bak called, racing to Lavi's side and sighing in relief. "You've been out for nearly half an hour, so I was beginning to get worried."
"Why're ya here, Gramps?" Lavi asked groggily, blinking a few times, eyeing his guardian nervously. Bookman shook his head slightly.
Left without answers, Lavi was given an ice pack to put on his head and was barraged with questions on how he felt. He felt light-headed, and his stomach was growling in a way that made Lavi feel sick. But, because he didn't want it to turn into an even bigger problem, Lavi said that he was fine.
After another half an hour of freezing the back of his head to reduce the swelling, and convince the others around him that he was fine, Bookman took Lavi out of school and towards the small car that he owned.
Bookman didn't say a word the entire journey back home, the tension so tangible between him and Lavi that the red head was beginning to wish he'd sat down a while longer to prevent himself from fainting.
When they arrived at the detached house where they lived, the road quiet and devoid of moving traffic, the light wind making Lavi shiver a little as he exited the car, he headed indoors.
"Get upstairs and sleep. I'll talk to you later."
With that simple statement, Bookman walked down the hallway and into the kitchen, which was the first door on the right. The sound of the door slamming behind him made Lavi wince, knowing he was going to get an earful later.
Sighing, Lavi walked to the end of the hallway, turning the handle of the door at the far left of the corridor and walking up the flight of stairs beyond it.
Opening the first door on his right, Lavi walked into his bedroom and slumped against the wooden door as he closed it, shutting his eyes and clenching his fists a little.
However, despite the mild panic and inner turmoil inside of him, Lavi wanted to sleep so badly that he could have dropped to the floor and slept there. Not wanting to end up with an aching back, Lavi took a few steps towards his bed and fell on it, falling asleep the instant his head hit the pillow.
/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /
There are times when I really wish this would all stop.
I'm not sure how much I can take, and the dark thoughts that had been nearly permanent in my mind a few months back are starting to arise in my brain again.
There's a reason why no razors or sharp objects or pills are kept in my room.
When things were at their worst, when I was barely eating and on the verge of being sent to hospital, I tried to slit my wrists with a pair of scissors.
Gramps just had to walk in as I was doing it, didn't he...
He totally freaked out, removing all sharp stuff from my room and giving me the longest lecture that I've ever had. I swore my ears were gonna fall off!
When he eventually finished, he booked me in for counselling at school and prayed that I wouldn't do it again.
I didn't go to a single counselling session. Like hell I was telling a stranger my private secrets so he could label me and send me off to some mental institution!
And I didn't try and self-harm again, though I've considered it quite a few times since.
I know it's selfish, and I know it wouldn't achieve anything but making my situation worse. But not being able to get myself out of the rut I'm in is so frustrating, and I can't seem to be able to let out this frustration that I'm feeling.
Why try when I know it's never gonna work?
/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /
The sound of a door opening made Lavi sit up abruptly in his bed; it was Bookman, looking resigned with a dark look in his dark eyes.
Knowing that he had no choice but to go downstairs and face the oncoming storm, Lavi quickly sorted his hair out and pulled on a warm hoodie before heading out of his room, following Bookman downstairs.
The dining room was quiet as Lavi and his guardian sat down, taking seats that were opposite from each other. The sound of the wooden legs scraping against the floorboards beneath them made Lavi flinch a little, his head pounding from his earlier fall.
"You know exactly what I'm going to say to you, don't you," Bookman said quietly, sliding his hands into the sleeves of his traditional Chinese shirt.
"Yep..." Lavi answered, avoiding eye contact and fiddling with the hem of his hoodie sleeves.
"So you know what? I'm not going to bother saying it."
This remark made Lavi sit up, looking Bookman in the eyes, blue and green meeting black.
"I'm tired of repeating myself to you, and it doesn't seem to be making any difference," Bookman explained. "So I'm giving up."
A cold chill flew down Lavi's spine at these words; they reminded him too much of the words his mother had said to him before she abandoned him, never coming back and leaving him all alone at home to starve before Bookman came on his monthly visit.
Lavi didn't like the tone of voice that Bookman had either; it sounded so dead and tired, like the old man had reached his limits. Was Bookman going to abandon Lavi like his mother had done, all those years ago?
"... What do you mean by that?" Lavi managed to ask after a while, hiding his trembling hands under the table so Bookman couldn't see them. The old man before him sighed and stood up, picking up an address book and flinging it across the table at Lavi.
"I'm sending you away, to someone who knows what they're doing," Bookman explained, ignoring the hurt look that had entered Lavi's gaze. "You will stay there until you have sorted yourself out. School will be put on hold until you come back. Your friends will be told, but they cannot see you."
Lavi didn't even pick up the book before him, clenching his fists tightly under the table, looking down at his lap and gritting his teeth.
Life was falling apart at the seams.
/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /
It's never a nice feeling, the feeling of being completely and utterly alone.
There's no-one there to be there for you, and no-one to comfort you when you need someone there to hold your hand and tell you to keep going.
All you have is your own will and self-determination, which is never good if you didn't have any in the first place.
To be abandoned by Gramps like that... To be handed over to a complete stranger, just 'cause Gramps couldn't cope... To leave behind my school and home and life itself, just to sort out the problems in my head... I can't deal with it!
How is it gonna help me? How? How is the help of some bastard that I don't even know, nevermind trust, gonna sort out what's wrong with me?
It's like Mum all over again.
I can still remember the darkness that surrounded me, the sight of my Mum crying and holding all her bags, running out of the front door and locking it behind her. I remember how I thought she was just going shopping, only to realise when morning came that she was never coming back.
She had locked all of the doors leading outside, and all the windows too. I was only five, so I didn't know how to use the phone, and I sure as hell didn't have the strength to bash the doors and windows in.
So I waited.
The days meshed together, and soon enough I was no longer able to eat anything. The nausea that came with not eating anything was so bad that I often gagged when drinking water, worried that I was gonna puke.
When it neared 3 weeks, and I could barely move anymore, lying comatose by the front door, waiting for something that was never going to happen, I thought I was gonna die.
When Bookman suddenly unlocked the door, nearly bashing my head in as he opened the door, I could only burst into tears at how glad I was to see him.
I will never forget the look he gave me when he saw me.
And, weirdly enough, he gave me the same look when I broke down at the dining room table.
It was a look filled with regret.
/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /
The car radio scarcely registered in Lavi's brain as he and Bookman drove to his new home, the wind from outside streaming through the open windows.
The beautiful Kent countryside passed them by as they drove down the single laned road, the smell of fresh grass refreshing compared to the smell of the town they had left earlier that day.
Lavi would have given anything to be back at home though, no matter how much he liked the countryside.
It took them a further half an hour, atop the two hours they had spent in the car prior to that, before they reached their destination.
It was a small village, with at best 50 or so houses as well as a large hall and a small church. The roads were well kept, and there were flowers blooming wherever Lavi looked. They passed through the village until they reached a large detached house, which was a five minute walk from the next house.
It wasn't that big, but was well built and surrounded by fields, a large oak tree shielding the house from the rays of the sun. It was whitewashed with dark wooden foundations, the front door painted a deep navy colour. There were hanging baskets either side of the front door and, standing on one of the steps leading up to the house, was a teenage boy.
He had shoulder length hair that was a reddish brown in colour, tied back in a loose ponytail. The boy was slim, almost as slim as Lavi, and was dressed in a simple shirt and ¾ length denim jeans. The trainers on his feet were worn and covered in mud, the laces loose and trailing on the floor slightly.
When they pulled into the drive-way, the gravel beneath the car's tyres grating against the rubber, the teen looked in their direction, sharply turning his head.
His eyes were a mottled combination of a light metallic blue and a stormy silver that reminded Lavi of winter thunderstorms. The brunette opened the front door and called for someone, giving the car a slightly apprehensive look.
Just as Bookman and Lavi were getting out of the car, shutting the doors behind them, two men stepped out of the house. Both of them had tanned skin and dark brunette hair, though one of them had very long hair tied in a ponytail and the other had short spiky hair.
"It's been a long time, old man!" the man with short spiky hair called, stepping forwards and shaking Bookman's hand eagerly.
"It has indeed, Neah," Bookman answered, giving the young man a small smile. He turned towards those standing at the front door. "How have you been, Mana and Allen?"
"We've been good," Mana answered, giving Allen an affectionate ruffling of the hair, ignoring the teen's quiet protests. Allen broke free of Mana's grasp then gave Bookman a polite smile before entering the house.
"Let's go in, hmm?" Neah asked with a laugh, shaking his head a little. Bookman nodded and followed the man inside, with Lavi close behind him. Mana shut the door behind himself, giving Lavi a friendly smile when the red head turned around to look at him. Lavi didn't return the smile, simply turning back around and sighing quietly.
He didn't like this. Not one bit.
The five of them walked down the short corridor, which was decorated with plain white wallpaper and many framed photographs. They passed two doors on either side of them before Neah walked through the last door on the right. It led to a traditionally decorated kitchen with wooden counters, a large dining table with six chairs around it, a washing machine in one corner, and a large black oven situated beside a fridge-freezer, which was humming quietly in the background.
Allen was standing in front of one of the counters, making himself a sandwich. He didn't look up as they entered the room and all sat down at the table.
"Bookman's told us a bit about you and what's going on," Neah said, leaning back in his chair. "Your name is Lavi?"
Lavi didn't answer, simply nodding and looking off in the other direction.
"We are more than happy to have you here for as long as you need to be here," Mana stated quietly, noticing the discomfort evident on Lavi's face. "If it is clear that we are not helping you, we will send you back home. But, if we can help, you can stay for as long as it takes. I used to be a teacher, so I can keep you somewhat up-to-date with your studies."
"We also can't force you to cooperate, nor want to spend time with us," Neah added. "There's a spare room down the hall with a computer, internet access, a phone, and plenty of books. If you want you can just stay in that room. We expect you to help with chores and stuff, but for the most part we don't expect much of you; we're not tyrants."
Both Mana and Neah stopped speaking. Lavi looked down at his lap, thinking things through in his head.
Suddenly, the sound of a vibrating phone interrupted the silence. Bookman stood up, murmured a quiet apology, then left the room. After a minute or two he came back.
"I'm needed at work," Bookman said, putting his phone back in his pocket. He turned towards Lavi. "Go get your stuff out the car."
Getting up, flinching a little at the sharp screech his chair made on the flagstones beneath him, Lavi followed Bookman out of the kitchen and down the hall, leaving the house by the front door. The wind outside was refreshing, and Lavi wished he didn't have to go back inside.
"I'll check-up on you regularly, and phone every week," Bookman stated, unlocking his car. "Behave yourself; Mana and Neah are only doing this because they owe me a few favours. Don't push your luck."
"I didn't ask to be here," Lavi grumbled, opening the boot and taking out his suitcase and a backpack.
Bookman gave Lavi a sharp glare at his words before closing the boot and getting in the car. He didn't say goodbye, driving away with a crunch of tyres against gravel. Lavi stood in the driveway for a while, staring at the road beyond. Then, sighing and hoisting his backpack over his shoulder, Lavi headed back into the house and shut the front door behind him, wishing he was anywhere else.
/ / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / / /
That's the end of chapter 1. I hope you liked it, please review, and the next chapter will be up at some point soon.
Thanks for reading :)
xrowa-chanx
