Disclaimer, the author makes no claim to Harry Potter or Discworld.

Excess Baggage

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The doorbell chimed as the man passed through the store's front entrance. He was going on a trip to a distant place and desired one of the items for sale in the store he had entered. His intended purchase was driven more out of novelty than need so he hadn't fully assessed the contents on display until he had fully stepped inside.

As a result, at first he thought that he had entered Borgin and Burkes. There was a fist of glory and a sealed crystal vial of Peruvian darkness powder on one of the over-stuffed shelves to his right, it brought back memories! But a glance at the show window and a deliberate look about settled his mind.

The window read 'E R O T S ~ G N I L E V A R T' in purple, cursive lettering and one of the items on display was a quaint wooden trunk that he wanted. He supposed that it was a bit of a general store as well, since; in addition to boxes upon boxes of aged soap, towel-cloths and piles of dusty folded tents, there were overflowing stacks of tooth-paste, tooth brushes, tooth-floss, and necklaces made from actual teeth. There were hour-glasses that looked suspiciously like time-turners, stuffed animals, a bowl of shoe-laces and many other items stacked against the walls or hanging from the ceiling.

As he looked around a large crystal ball lowered from the ceiling like from something out of a disco. He supposed that it was some kind of dark detector as a single red eye lit up and began glaring at him. He resolved to keep his hands to himself and avoid touching any of the items without the store manager's approval (lest he set off a sneakoscope, which was annoying, or was subjected to a probity probe, which always left him feeling violated).

As the store was rather empty for this time of the day in Diagon Alley he hadn't needed to wait overlong before the storekeeper, a short, stout man with grayish skin and overlarge teeth (for smiling with) approached him.

"Ah, a customer, and just before lunch too, you've come at an excellent time." The man said with a grin "What's your poison…or antidote? Can I interest you in a fine selection of bathing salts? Oh, a wizard, then perhaps you'd like to invest in a foe-glass…but no…" At this the shopkeeper gave the young man a knowing smile. "You look rather young; perhaps I can interest you in purchasing a nice billy-club, rarely used, straight from the Ankh-Morpork City Watch or would you like a genuine Assassin's Guild dagger, complete with an auto-stabbing function thrown in free of charge, hmmm?" The man smiled his too-wide smile.

The customer, a wizard, ran a hand through his unruly, dark hair as he puzzled out the salesman's pitch. Finally he answered. "I'm going on a trip and would like to purchase that luggage by the window." He gestured to the item that was chained to the floor.

The salesman looked briefly conflicted, one part terrified, two parts relieved. "T-t-that!" he stuttered loudly as a few more customers entered the store.

Under the wizard's suspicious gaze, the shopkeeper seemed to steel himself and recovered his dropped smile. "O-oh, that old thing!" The little gray man said jovially, with a nervous and slightly hysterical laugh. The customer watched with bemusement as the other man tried to carefully sidle up to the wooden trunk without seeming to do so (his eyes, which never left the luggage, and never stopped measuring the length of the chain attaching it to the floor, gave him away).

The wizard, having decided that there was something wrong with his intended purchase, decided to test the waters. "It's used then?" He asked innocently, as he walked right up to it and stroked the wood, feeling the warm grain and surreptitiously casting a dark detection spell.

"I don't recognize the wood." He said, waiting for the results. The wood felt strangely warm, like living flesh, but wood.

"I-its made from sapient pearwood." The man supplied.

It came up negative for curses to his enhanced vision but the reaction of the shopkeeper when he had touched the trunk made him certain that something was up. The look of resigned dread didn't make sense otherwise. The stunned disbelief on the store-owners face prompted him to inquire further about the matter.

"Is something wrong?" he said.

At first the man denied that such was the case, but under his customer's piercing glare he finally relented. "It's a little odd." He admitted.

At that moment, outside the store window, a bickering couple walked by. The man's nose was situated between his eyebrows and the woman's hair looked like rainbow-colored candy-floss. Behind them, the couple's child followed, scowling mutinously as she was trussed to a low-flying, miniature broom by a snarl of pink cords held firmly in her father's hand like a leash.

"…Odd?" The man asked.

Suddenly the Luggage shivered

Sapient!

The dark-haired wizard jerked his hand backward in alarm as the storekeeper jumped, startled, and fell onto his arse.

The men watched; one in amazement, one in horror, as hundreds of little feet popped put of the bottom of the Luggage and moved with incredible precision, turning it about on the spot. The chain came taut and held, causing the storekeeper to sigh.

"You said sapient, wise, intelligent…it is self-aware?" The man asked accusingly.

The shopkeeper kept his eyes firmly on the lid of the Luggage which seemed to be glaring at him (though it didn't actually have eyes) and menacingly flexing against the chain wrapped around it, causing the links to make a rather terrifying sound (the sound of the links failing, which was terrifying).

"Not as such…" The man stammered, "No more than at the level of a dog- a very, very intelligent dog." He hastily amended as the Luggage tried to lunge at him.

The commotion seemed to be drawing out the store's few customers who gawked at the display. The two men ignored the bystanders (one out of habit, the other out of self-preservation).

"You see it's slightly temperamental," The shopkeeper explained trying to salvage the deal.

Whatever the young wizard was going to say in answer didn't get said, as out from behind a rack of old Cosmo magazines, a dark robed wizard, one of the customers who had entered while the two were talking, leapt out brandishing a wand.

"Die! Potter!" The man screamed between maniacal cackles. "Avada-"

What ever he was going to say next didn't get said. For the dark-haired man, Potter, had twitched a hand and from it a bolt of blue lightning had flashed out, it was already coursing its way on though the assassin's body before the '-ter' of the man's triumphal gloating (a violation of evil overlord rules nos. 6, 16 and 20) had finished.

It would have ended there in a rather anticlimactic fashion, with the twitching man's accomplice's tame surrender, save for what happened next…

There was a rending of metal, the shopkeeper (who still hadn't looked away from the Luggage) screamed…

And the Luggage, it moved

There was a –Snap-, -Snap-, as the Luggage's cover opened and closed. The shopkeeper cringed and shut his eyes but the green eyed wizard, Harry Potter watched intently.

There was a rather… unpleasant moment, followed by the final closure of the Luggage and some muffled screams that were abruptly silenced. The people in the store watched agape as the Luggage shuffled about smugly, settled on its base and opened its lid to give a generous burp. The shopkeeper and the wizard caught a glimpse of a large red tongue and rows and rows of teeth (like a shark) each the size of a square trowel.

"I'll take it." Harry said decisively.

"…" The shopkeeper stared at him disbelievingly.

Noticing the look caused the wizard to smile, and with ample caution (debatable), he made his way over to the sated-looking Luggage.

"My wife just loves these kinds of things." He said, "And besides." Leaning over warily (it just ate someone!), he reached behind the Luggage's lid and stroked the wood right along the big brass hinges.

The Luggage shuddered in ecstasy and became quiescent, the lid flopped open, revealing stacks of washed, ironed and neatly folded clothes with a dish of cucumber sandwiches resting upon them.

"Besides," The wizard cheerily said taking a bite of cucumber on rye, "It reminds me of my school days..."

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AN: I'm rather busy, just posting an older one-shot.