This is inspired by a story I read called 'Cao Cao answers letters', written by Nan Ma. I died laughing and I thought it would be fun to do something similar with one of my favourite characters, Zhou Yu. Of course, I take no credit for this idea, it was all Nan Ma's idea!~

Warnings: Slight OOC, slash, and randomness.


The light emanating from the candle illuminated Zhou Yu's face as he seated himself down at his desk and his weary eyes drifted over the enormous stack of packages and scrolls to his right. Mail. So much damn mail. He supposed it was his responsibility to reply to all of them, even though he knew from past experience that some letters were rather disturbing in nature and came with strange presents attached. He remembered once he had recieved a package containing an entire box full of underwear, in which most of them looked used, and he had promptly thrown them into his fireplace.

The strategist folded his precious maps away and set them to the side to snatch up one of the many scrolls sent to him, preparing a few jars of ink. This was going to be a long night...

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Zhou Tai,

Thank you for your letter, General. I'm rather surprised to receive a message from you. Also, I'm not entirely sure if giving Sun Quan a full-body massage while he is completely nude is considered normal for a bodyguard to do for his lord, but I suppose if he is agreeing to let you, you should be fine. Thank you for taking the time to vividly describe Lord Quan's figure in great detail to me, and I will try to rid myself of those mental images as soon as possible.

You have my sincere apologies for that. No, it isn't normal to be imagining your lord doing that to you every day before you go to bed, and no, I cannot offer any advice as I haven't found myself ever thinking like that towards anyone I consider my superior. Perhaps you can have a chat with Lord Sun Quan? I'm sure he will understand.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Zhou Tai,

No, I am not and have not been in a romantic relationship with Sun Ce and no, I have not had sex with him. I'm a married man, after all.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Ce,

Oh dear gods, Ce, I think Tai is onto us. I told you not to be so loud, my walls aren't exactly soundproof. I mean, if my room were more secluded it wouldn't be a big problem but it's right beside his. Next time, bring me to your room, since you have quarters all to yourself.

Love, Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Zhou Tai,

I don't know what you're implying. You must have been hearing things. The cries of anguish, pain and terror and not pleasure from war must be getting to your head. Perhaps some nettle tea will soothe your senses?

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Ce,

Alright, Zhou Tai is definitely onto us. Honey, I didn't mean it that way, of course I love the sound of your voice, but I'd prefer it if were only me who could hear it, and not everyone within a mile radius of us. You're all mine, after all.

I'm going to have to gag you next time.

Love, Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Ce,

Please don't buy ropes, whips, handcuffs, leather gags, leather harnesses, leather belts, clothespins or blindfolds. I didn't mean I wanted to do that with you. I'm not into those kinds of things.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Ce,

I don't mean I want you to do it to me, either.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Zhou Tai,

I have never seen Lord Sun Ce naked. No, I don't fantasize about seeing him like that, and if you feel that way about Lord Sun Quan then all the best of luck to you, but I can't offer any words of advice.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Ce,

Go to sleep. You're tired and you aren't thinking straight.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Ce,

Well, I suppose that could be the problem as well, though I'm sure you can sort that out without my... 'help'.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Sun Quan,

What a pleasant surprise to receive a letter from you, milord. So, Zhou Tai sat down with you and said he wanted to have a talk? And then all he said was that after he had given you a massage he fantasized about you doing things to him? Oh, that's rather strange, I don't think I'll ever know what could have pushed Zhou Tai to be so forward. He is normally rather aloof, isn't he?

Well, I have never been in a relationship with someone I consider a superior or one of my subordinates, and definitely not another man, but I'm supportive of whatever you choose. Take some time to think about it. Zhou Tai is a trustworthy man however, and I'm sure he would be loyal to you for as long as he lived. Of course, this is all up to you. He is your bodyguard and he will respect your decision (I can't say the same about the rest of Wu, but I'm sure most of the ladies wouldn't mind too much), though I'm not sure how you will produce an heir to the throne.

Zhou Yu

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Sun Quan,

No, I am not seeing your older brother, Lord Sun Ce. Our relationship is brotherly and purely platonic. Who told you that, anyway?

Secondly, it requires a man and a woman to produce an heir. You know what I mean, don't make me elaborate.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Sun Quan,

No, Zhou Tai is being silly. I am not involved in an affair with your brother. And even if I was, my bedroom activities are of no one's concern.

What do you mean you don't understand?

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Sun Quan,

I think it is best that you speak with Zhou Tai about that. I'm not very good at explaining.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Sun Quan,

I said Zhou Tai was being silly in regards to him claiming that Sun Ce and I are lovers. We both have wives, so there is no way that could be possible. He probably knows more about where babies come from than I do. And how come you don't know? Aren't you twenty years of age?

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Sun Quan,

When you were younger, Lord Sun Jian told you that a stork would drop a baby off in front of your house under a big rock if a man and a woman loved each other very much? Well, yes, yes I suppose that is true. But still, it requires a man and a woman. Both you and the General are very much male, at least as for as I know. I don't think you need to ask Zhou Tai about it anymore, then.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Sun Quan,

You asked him anyway? Zhou Tai said he would demonstrate how babies are made with you? Oh, well, please don't let him do that. At least not yet.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Sun Quan,

Well, you see, no, he wasn't going to help you find a big rock to put in front of your house to see if a baby would be there the next day.

~X~X~X~X~X~

Dear Sun Quan,

With all due respect, please ask someone else about that.


I'm relying on YOU to send me in letters and/or ideas! If they are ideas, feel free to drop a review, and if you're interested in taking up the role of a character, then drop me a PM with this form:

From: (insert the name of your chosen character here. Any DW characters are cool with me, you can be anonymous or you could be a fanboy/fangirl. Your call.)

Message: (try to be literate, please and thanks~)

Attachments: (any gifts or items you want to send to Zhou Yu? List them here! :D)

Go crazy!

- Kaithau