I sat on the closed toilet cover with my head in my hands as water rushed from the faucet into the bathtub. A knife laid on the edge of the tub, a very sharp knife, the sharpest one I could find. Italy and Japan were in the kitchen, making onigiri for a mid-day snack. Those two were so concerned about food . . .

The sound of the water changed. I looked up. The water level was high enough now, just less than half a meter. I got up and shut it off, letting the last few drops splash in. Kneeling by the tub, I picked up the knife and studied it, turning it over in my hands, letting the lights flash off of the silver metal.

I had killed so many . . . made so many human beings suffer . . . every night, I had nightmares of their cries, their plaintive screams that just made one want to scream along with them. And I'd made Japan and Italy kill too . . . Japan seemed to accept that it was his duty, but what was he really thinking? And Italy . . . of course Italy always prayed for the ones he had killed, for himself as well, asking for forgiveness. This damn war . . .

I had to stop this all. But being a nation, would I truly die?

It was time to find out.

Without further ado, I dragged the knife along the veins on my wrist. "Scheiße," I hissed. It hurt like hell. But compared to the pain of those I had killed, this was nothing. Nothing at all.

Besides, it would be over soon.

I continued cutting, continued slicing open my skin, first on one arm, then the other, and letting the blood pour out. When I was certain that I had cut enough, I let the knife drop to the tiled floor and plunged my arms into the cool water. The blood spread in the water, turning it pink.

Eventually my vision grew fuzzy. The room swayed before me, or was that me, swaying because I was so tired? I felt nauseous . . . I tried to reach up with one hand to cover my mouth, but I was too weak. It fell back down in the water and I was barely aware of my head dropping, my body slumping over the edge of the bathtub as I lost consciousness . . .


Japan frowned as he looked around the kitchen. "How odd . . ."

Italy looked up. "Eh? What is it, Japan? Are we out of something?"

"No . . . ah, I am sorry to bother you with this, Italy-kun, but do you happen to know where the small knife is? It appears to be missing . . ."

"No, but I can help you look, Japan!" Italy said cheerfully.

"Arigatou."

The two searched the kitchen thoroughly before concluding that it was, indeed, not there.

"Hm . . ." Italy brightened. "I bet Germany knows where it is! He knows where everything is! I'll go ask him!"

"Italy-kun, I believe he is using the toilet at the moment."

"Maybe he's coming out right now!" Italy ran off before Japan could say anything more. He skidded to a stop in front of the bathroom door and frowned. "Oh, it's closed . . ." he knocked on the door loudly. "Germany! Germany, are you in there? We need your help finding something!"

No response.

"Germany?" Trying the door, Italy found that it was locked. "Germany, if you're there, can you say something?"

Still no response. Italy grew scared. "Germany!"

He jogged back to the kitchen, where Japan was patiently waiting. "Did Germany-san tell you where the knife is, Italy-kun?"

Italy shrugged helplessly. "The bathroom door was locked, and Germany didn't say anything when I called him . . ."

"That is unusual . . . may I try?"

Japan followed Italy to the bathroom door. He knocked lightly. "Germany-san . . . Germany-san, are you in there? Please say something . . ."

Silence. Italy looked worriedly at Japan. Japan looked thoughtful.

"Italy-kun . . . do you happen to know where the paperclips are?"


Japan worked carefully at the doorknob with the paperclip, sticking it inside the lock and fiddling around. There was a click and he withdrew the small twisted metal, looking rather satisfied.

"The door should be unlocked now, Italy-kun."

"Yay! Japan did it!" Italy opened the door. "Germany, why weren't you answer—"

He stopped and stared at the sight before him. "G-Germany . . . ?"

Japan peeked around Italy and stiffened. The two saw Germany kneeling at the bathtub. The small knife, stained red, was resting on the floor beside him. His body was slumped over, and his arms were floating in the tub, which was full of water . . . rusty water.

Japan was the first to snap out of it. He strode over to Germany and lifted one wrist out of the water, studying the deep self-inflicted cuts. He seized Germany's upper arms and lifted the limbs out of the water. Struggling to support the large man, he looked at Italy. "Italy-kun, please help me! We must carry him to a bed and treat him!"

Italy had been sobbing since he'd realized what had happened. At Japan's request, he nodded, his lip trembling. He shakily went to Japan and Germany and helped to carry the unconscious nation to the bedroom, setting him down as gently as possible on the bed.

"Italy-kun," said Japan gently, "please, do you know where the medicine things are?"

Italy shook his head, still sobbing. "I . . . we . . . I don't think we have . . ."

Japan cursed under his breath. "What can we do?"

"Mr. Austria . . . Mr. Austria's really good with doctor things. I can c-call him . . ."

Japan studied Italy's tear-stained face. "I think I should do that, Italy-kun. You should stay here and keep an eye on Germany-san in case he regains consciousness."

Italy didn't protest, he just nodded, sat against the wall, and buried his face in his hands. Japan left and called Austria.

"This had better be important, whoever you are," Austria snapped when he picked up. "I'm in the middle of something."

"I'm sorry to bother you, Austria-san," Japan said quickly. "This is very important—we need you to come to Germany-san's house immediately with medical supplies."

"What?" Austria's voice grew sharp. "Was there an accident while training?"

"Austria-san, I'm very sorry, but I think an explanation can wait," Japan snapped. "Please, hurry to Germany-san's house."

". . . Very well," Austria said at last.


Less than an hour later, Japan opened the door to find Austria with a small box in hand, as well as Prussia lingering behind him.

"He tagged along," Austria said by way of explanation as he stepped inside. "Now, I'd like to know who my patient is."

"It's Germany-san," Japan said shortly. Prussia made a shocked noise as Japan led them to the bedroom.

Austria and Prussia stopped short. Inside, Italy was still crying off to the side. Germany hadn't woken and his wrists were still bleeding lightly.

"Scheiße," whispered Prussia. He slowly walked to Germany and examined his wrists, staring at the incisions. "What the fuck . . . ?"

Austria approached him as well and studied his arms, his face taut. Silently, he opened up the box he'd brought and started cleaning the wounds. Prussia began to cry.

"Why?" he sobbed. "West . . ."


I opened my eyes slowly. Everything was very fuzzy at first. Blinking hard, the world slowly came into focus. I realized I was lying on my bed. Looking over, I saw that Italy and Prussia were quietly crying at the side of the room, sitting against the wall, their heads down. I looked at my forearms. They were bandaged with blood-stained gauze.

Italy looked up and gasped. Prussia lifted his head and stared.

"G . . . Germany?" said Italy. He smiled, his eyes red from crying. "Germany! You're okay!" More tears cascaded down his face as he stood and came to the bed with Prussia.

"Verdammt, West, you really scared us!" Prussia grinned, still crying quietly. "Hey, Japan, Austria! Get in here, he woke up!"

Japan entered the room, followed closely by Austria. Japan smiled, the first time I had ever seen him do such a thing, while Austria remained stoic. Japan started talking, but the only thing running through my head at the moment was pain and frustration. Why couldn't they have just left me . . . ?

". . . and Germany-san . . ." Japan was saying, "You'll need to stay in bed for another day or so—"

"VERDAMMT!" I shouted, bringing my fist down on the bed to little effect. I winced slightly from the pain that coursed through my arm. "Why didn't you just leave me!? Don't you understand!? I wanted to stop it all! But you all had to stop me! Why . . ." I whispered. "Why didn't you just let me die?"

A feeling of shock spread through the room. Italy's mouth was open. Prussia's eyes were wide. Even Japan seemed upset. "Germany-san—"

"Excuse me, Japan," said Austria, speaking for the first time since he'd entered. He approached me, raised his hand, and slapped me across the face with all of his strength. It was so unexpected that I didn't turn my head back for a few seconds. When I did, I saw that there were tears in his eyes.

"Germany," he growled. "Did you ever consider that there are people in this world who actually want you to stay alive, no matter what you do?"

"Austria, you don't understand," I said, gritting my teeth. "I've killed so many people, I've made so many suffer—"

"As we've all!" he yelled. "Every one of us has killed before, whether we like it or not! But do you know what? We all move on! We don't beat ourselves up over it! We keep looking towards tomorrow!" He looked around the room for support. "Isn't that right!?"

"West, the prick's right for once," said Prussia firmly. "Yeah, you've killed a lot of people, but so have we. You'll come to accept it in time. I know you're a pretty young nation, so this is kind of new to you . . . but don't worry. People will forgive you; you'll forgive yourself in time."

I looked down. "I just . . ." Tears filled my eyes. "I just want this damn war to end . . ." I whispered as I began to sob.

"Germany," Austria said firmly. "The war will end in time. If you ever feel burdened—if you ever start feeling that it's too much—"

"We're all here for you, West," Prussia supplied, touching my hand. "You can talk to us. It's okay."

Italy just held my other hand without a word, but I got the message. Even Japan touched my shoulder lightly.

"What's done is done," Austria said finally. "Your wrists will heal in time, but you'll always have the scars."


Recovery had taken several years. I'd learned to talk to my friends about problems, and they were always willing to lend an ear. The nations had eventually forgiven me for my sins, and I would come to forgive myself in time.

I was at yet another pointless G8 meeting. We hadn't gotten anything done again, and the papers I'd prepared hadn't come in handy at all, as usual.

"Germany!" I turned at the familiar cheerful voice. Italy was bouncing on the balls of his feet at the doorway, standing next to Japan. "C'mon, we're all going out to eat, remember~?"

"Yes, Italy, just a second," I called. I pushed back my sleeve and checked my watch. As I did so, the scars on that wrist came into view.

They were beginning to fade.