MUV LUV ALTERNATIVE: REDEMPTION
Author's Note: Hello everybody, before reading this story you'll need some foreknowledge, namely that I find that Muv Luv Alternative is an amazing visual novel with one of the most god awful endings I have ever seen. Not only is it an enormous cop-out, but in the end nothing is completely resolved, the story bends its own rules at the last minute just to ensure it can escape all of the consequences, and overall it's an insult to my intelligence that made the 50+ hours it takes to get to after reading through Extra, Unlimited, and Alternative feel utterly pointless. I honestly have no idea why one of the smartest stories I've ever read has such a poorly thought out and explained conclusion. So, I've returned to Fanfiction with a fervor to fix it, if not for anyone else at least for myself.
THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW
1. This opening is something you've read before if you've completed Muv Luv Alternative (spoiler alert, by the way), with several adjustments and additions. The next chapter on will all be original material. You don't NEED to read the entire chapter, but I would recommend it as I made several subtle changes and a few outright ones.
2. Only the visual novels are "canon" to this story, I will not be considering any supplementary material.
3. This story picks up right after Takeru ejects from the XG-70d and falls unconscious.
I will try to follow any rules established by the story prior to this point, but Muv Luv is a pretty complex visual novel and I will end up making retcons in order to make my story function. But, as I want to make the story as authentic as possible, please point out any of these you see, as they might not have been intentionally.
Now, going into this, I've got a number of goals. But here are the most important ones.
1. No cop-outs. No running away from the consequences of things by abusing time travel and quantum causality theory unless Takeru works to make that happen, and even then I need to be strict.
2. Make an ACTUALLY happy conclusion. I mean, the Extraverse Takeru we meet at the end is not the Takeru we followed. He just has some latent memories, but just as with Yuuko those memories do not actually belong to him. He's essentially a completely different person who is the result of having his identity scrubbed away. I consider the Takeru Shirogane we followed throughout the story to as such be dead, and that's not very happy, now is it?
3. Balance out the original story's overwhelming nihilism by wrapping around to a more positive message than the game left off with. The ideology of a lot of Alterverse characters doesn't sit well with me, and I thought that when it came down to it the game's ethos was ultimately unbalanced. Considering the VN's best moments were when it made a compelling argument for both sides of an idea, I found it depressing that by the time the story wrapped up, there was surprisingly little hope buried within the actual ideas the story communicated. Shirogane went through a lot of changes as a character, and there were far too many of these changes which were never really questioned by an opposing viewpoint and were ultimately forced on him by people who all thought the same way about certain things.
Without further adieu, let's get started!
EPISODE 11: SELF IMPRISONMENT
PART I: Façade
Third Draft
"….Shi…ga…..n."
A distant, yet familiar, voice calls out to me through the fog clouding my mind. I try to reach through the fog, slowly rising high enough to open my eyes. Everything is blurry. I can't see clearly. A familiar face? Maybe… I should just go back? I have a bad feeling about going forward.
"Shiro….ne…"
The voice is stronger now. Clearer. I'm pretty sure I know who it is, but that bad feeling persists. It's a premonition of the pain that awaits me on the other side of the fog. I don't want to climb out. I don't want to wake up and face the memory.
"Please shoot, Takeru."
That voice came from within my mind. It's that memory. The one I don't want to confront. I recoil from it instinctively, trying to again reach complete unconsciousness. Yet the other voice I'd been hearing up to now persists, calling for me to awaken.
"Shir…gane."
What am I thinking? Why am I running away from it? I'm not supposed to be doing that.
A conversation I had with Meiya a long time ago comes to mind. A memory that reaches me even through the fog.
"Then… does that mean… I don't have any personal freedom to feel what I want?"
"Yes, in the extreme case, that is exactly right. That is the duty of those with unparalleled natural talent like yours."
With everything I've caused and everything I've done, this is the extreme case. Just as she said, I don't have the right to feel like I want. People are relying on me. They need me to be strong. They need to see me that way. So I can't run away. I have to crush that desire to hurt, to cry, because it's time to wake up and face reality. I owe it to everyone. I owe it to them to face that pain without flinching. That would just disrespect them, and the sacrifices they made. It would conflict with my goal. My goal to save this world that is both mine and not mine.
Those thoughts give me the willpower I need to open my eyes. I see Sumika's face, smiling and happy. I think it's real for a moment, but just as the happiness and comfort of that image begins to reach me, more images disprove that notion. Images of this world's Sumika. The image that replaces Sumika's smiling and happy face is dark. A picture of the room she spent so much time in, but drained of all color. Even Kasumi who sat there playing cat's cradle, as I watched in the distance. But there's more. Sumika and I on a rooftop eating lunch. Me giving Sumika the rabbit. Me hugging Sumika. Image after image, eventually cycling so fast that I don't have the time to comprehend them individually.
It still strikes me how many of these images… have me in them.
They end eventually, and the memories and fog clear to reveal Kasumi's downcast face looking at me. Her gaze is decorated by slightly drooping eyelids and a smile that clearly takes effort to wear. That smile collapses instantly when I don't respond.
"Shirogane." She calls out to me when I don't speak. I blink before I reply.
"Ugh… Kasumi. What's going…?" I cut off my question as the memories come back to me. Being on the Susano'o Mark 4. Pulling the trigger that took Meiya's life. Tears build in my eyes, but I quickly dismiss them, putting on a smile of my own. I can't imagine it looks very natural, but I put effort into holding it.
"You know." Kasumi declares matter-of-factly. She's right, so instead I proceed to my next question.
"Where…?"
"We're home."
"Eh? Yokohama Base?"
"Yes."
I sit up in my chair, looking around the cockpit of the escape vessel we had used to leave the hive. Looking out of the windshield, it's clear we are on the ground, and that a small crowd is waving and cheering while looking in my direction. The crowd... it would probably be bigger if there were more still alive, but that's beside the point. Why wouldn't there be a crowd? The mission was successful. They needed a symbol of hope. This escape craft presented it.
And when that's no longer available, it will probably be me that becomes the symbol. It's not a role I want, but it's one I'll accept out of necessity. I need more power after all, to complete my objective. Distant a reason as it may be, I still want to save humanity.
"It's all over now." Kasumi says, responding to my feelings.
"There's still more to do." I reply.
"You'll see when we go. They're working to cool down and clean the shuttle right now. We should be able to leave soon."
"I see."
"A large number of people have gathered."
"Yea, I noticed…"
"They have all been waiting for our return." She says, before smiling again and continuing. "Everyone's grateful. There are many people here, but gratitude is the only emotion I can feel."
I look outside. I see smiles on everyone's faces. Flags. Salutes. They're glad for what we did. That makes sense. Though, they don't know what we lost… and even when I'm the only person to step outside… they probably won't understand. They will only appreciate the fact that we were successful, not that lives were lost. Sacrifices are a necessary part of war, so it's not a surprise, but I can't help but feel offended because that's not the point... We lost people stronger than me. More worthy than me.
"It's amazing we got out of that huge explosion okay." I comment as I look back at Kasumi. I'm glad to see my facade seems to be improving as I commit more thoroughly to it. "I'm pretty pitiful. I passed out. Thank you Kasumi. You piloted us all the way back here, didn't you?"
"We came back via autopilot. I only just woke up myself."
"Oh, I see..."
We fall into silence for a long period as I drift off into thought as I usually do.
This shuttle we're in… it's a recon shuttle capable of holding ten people. There were supposed to be five more of us here. The seats are all empty. It's just me, Kasumi, and Sumika. When I think that, she narrows her eyes, but I don't notice. I just keep thinking about the empty seats… about how that's just the reality I have to bear. I wanted to save this world, and repair the other world, so I can't ignore this reality. I can't deny it.
I remember all their faces. Class Rep, Tama, Mikoto, Ayamine… and Meiya. The second I feel the urge for tears, I squash it. They wouldn't want that. This is not time to cry. Like I said, the crowd needs to see me. See me happy. My comrades aren't here to do it themselves anymore, so it's my responsibility. They would be okay with that. They would tell me that's what I need to do. I'm okay with that. I'm okay with that...
I shouldn't hoist any responsibility onto others. That's my burden.
"I'm sorry Kasumi. I'm pretty pathetic. I forced you to do something pretty hard back there, didn't I?"
"No. No one did anything wrong. You were trying to prioritize the mission and not think of anything else."
"That was what I did in the end."
"That may be, but the truth was, you wanted to save everyone. You didn't want to just complete the mission."
"Of course I did. And it almost cost us everything."
"No, because everyone noticed it."
"I know that."
That's why they didn't show me what was happening. They deceived me so I would remain focused. Humanity's future was at stake, but I still couldn't focus on the mission. They had no choice. Meiya… finally got me to stop hesitating at the end... and I almost did anyways. I almost ignored her pleas because I was a weakling.
"You were only able to fight that hard because you're that kind of person. Because you're like that, everyone did the very best they could for humanity. In order to save humanity. In order to honor the people they'd fought with to survive. And… in order to keep you from dying alone and in pain. Everyone in the unit… was thinking the same thing."
I can't bring myself to respond to that. I just look down, trying to think. Trying to bring myself to agree with her opinion. But… I can't. She continues.
"Sumika was thinking that way too."
Sumika… felt the same way… as the others…?
Wait!
"Kasumi. Did you… say… was?"
She closes her eyes as her face falls. Fear clenches my chest. More weakness. I try to dismiss it, but I can't.
"What did you mean by that?" I ask, voice trembling. She doesn't respond, so I raise my voice. "What did you mean by that Kasumi!?"
She doesn't answer. So I jump out of my chair and bolt to the 00 unit control block. When I open it, the sight makes my heart drop. She's holding the rabbit I made for her to her chest, lying perfectly still.
"Hey…! Sumika…!?" I cry out denying the obvious truth with all my willpower.
She doesn't respond either. I walk to her side, crouching down. My heart feels like it's about to beat its way out of my chest. I place my hands on her shoulders and shake her.
"Sumika… Sumika, hey… wake up." I speak gently at first, but when she doesn't reply... I start panicking, speaking louder, losing my consideration. "Sumika! Sumika! Wake up! What's wrong!? This is… some kind of joke right? Wake up! Stop scaring me like this! Sumika! Sumikaaa!"
She remains silent. My shouting accomplishes nothing. Wh-What the hell!? Why? Why did this happen!? Is it because… of what happened at the end? Did… did I push her too hard? Is this… my fault?
"No." Kasumi says from behind me. I flip around to face her, a shocked expression stuck on my face. "She never planned on coming home in the first place."
"Stop… stop being vague. What do you mean!? I know there was… no guarantee she would survive…! But… what are you talking about!?"
"Sumika made that decision… when this base's reactor was destroyed."
"What!? What the hell!? That makes no sense. Why the hell would she do that!? What does the reactor have to do with Sumika!?"
"The cylinder Sumika's brain used to be in… glowed a bluish white."
"Huh?"
"The same color as the reactor… and the primary objective. The ODL purification device on the maintenance bed… was connected to the reactor. The reactor… did all the purifying."
"Wha-?"
Then… the maintenance bed in the brain room was…
"That cylinder is directly connected to the reactor."
A recollection of a conversation with Yuuko-sensei comes to mind as I try to piece together my knowledge into a cohesive conclusion.
"The ODL deteriorates as time passes and her quantum brain operates, and it has to be refilled every seventy-two hours. A complete purification requires special equipment. If we compare the ODL to blood, it's like a hemodialysis machine."
"What happens… after seventy-two hours?"
"At best, she stops functioning. At worst, she wouldn't have the same personality and memories as when we restarted her. That would mean she'd lose her value as the 00 Unit and become, at best, a human shaped computer."
That's why… why she was making Operation Cherry Blossom happen so soon!? We needed to end this while we could still use the 00 Unit! Why!? Why didn't anyone tell me!? Besides… didn't Yuuko-sensei tell us to stop the reactor!? If she knew this would happen to Sumika… then why the hell would sensei...!?
"Back then, it was Sumika's idea to destroy the reactor." Kasumi says, still straight-faced and determined.
"What?"
"She reacted badly to the General's order to seal it off, and asked them to completely destroy it instead. But Professor Kouzuki decided to shut it down instead in case we could use it again later. In the end, the reactor was destroyed by two S-11's. Isn't that strange?"
"How… How so?"
"Only two S-11's did enough damage to the reactor to bring it offline."
"That was because… she knew where to place…"
But… that's impossible. The wired connection cut off before the data got transferred. So… how!? How the hell did the First Lieutenant know where to place the bombs!?
"Sumika did a projection on First Lieutenant Hayase." Kasumi explains. "Sumika knew how desperate the situation was, so on Professor Kouzuki's order she projected an image of the weak points. But Sumika sent a different image than the one she was ordered. Without Professor Kouzuki's knowledge, she sent the weakpoints that would destroy the reactor completely."
I'm speechless. So… back then… when First Lieutenant Hayase made that incredibly accurate guess about the reactor's role… was that because...!?
"It probably was because of the projection." Kasumi says. "Sumika interrupted the purification procedure twice and forced herself awake. I don't think she was capable of projecting much more than the weak points."
I… see… Sumika had lost consciousness because of abnormal ODL degradation.
"Then… what First Lieutenant Hayase did back then… was Sumika." I say, piecing it together in my mind.
"She was strong, but Sumika could not control other people's will. The Lieutenant did what she thought was right based on the information she received."
"I… see…"
"If the receiver isn't conscious of the projected image, it's indistinguishable from a stray thought that disappears in an instant. If no thoughts exist as receptors for the image, the projection will fail."
I see… so projection relies on memory associations too…
"The failure of Alternative III proved that." Kasumi explains.
That's right. Besides, even if Sumika could control people, she would never do something like that. Someone who could do that would never want to go attack the primary objective all on their own.
"But… why…? Why did Sumika want to destroy the reactor so badly? Why did she want to be deployed alone? You know… don't you?"
She closes her eyes, as if lost in thought. But I know she just doesn't want to tell me. She's afraid it will hurt me. I take a deep breath and calm myself before continuing. My voice sounds cold as my eyes drift towards the floor. Now that I've taken my feelings off the table, nothing seems real anymore, but I ask the question nonetheless. I know the answer already, I'm pretty sure. It's a useless question. I shouldn't be asking it. But, I owe it to her, to learn the truth. I said I would always accept her before, so if I didn't accept this I would be a hypocrite of the highest order.
"Kasumi, tell me. You know, so tell me. Why would she do something like that? If she knew she was going to die, why would she do that?"
"Her reason is exactly what you're trying to avoid. You want it to be a different reason, but it's not. You know the truth already."
"Then… she really was…"
I feel woozy. I want it to stop, but I can't run away from the truth, and I can't cry. So I have to suppress the emotion. But… it's hard. Or is it? Maybe it's just… too easy?
Kasumi continues, and says the words I don't want to hear.
"Yes, Sumika was the one who gave information on humanity to the BETA."
So… that really did happen! Is that… the only way to explain this!? I want to plug my ears as Kasumi keeps speaking, but I can't do that. I'm suppressing that emotion, so I dismiss that desire.
"Every time Sumika purified her ODL, everything she'd seen and heard passed through the reactor to the Primary Objective."
Hayase said…
"The BETA might have gained information on the S-11 from the reactor as well as energy! If… the reactor isn't just a power source, but a transmission device… If the BETA exchange information through the reactors… The information on the Alternative Plan and the Susano'o… will be sent to every hive on Earth!"
Her guess was confirmed by Sumika's projection. That thing we spoke to… it really meant what it was saying. About the higher existence, Sumika, transferring information to it. It wasn't attacking it. It just wanted to exchange information with Sumika.
Kasumi speaks, averting her eyes.
"Shirogane, when you talked to the primary objective… I think it was interested in you because so much of the information Sumika had been sending was about you."
In the end, First Lieutenant Hayase's guess was correct. We just hadn't identified its computer-like functions. Yuuko said she was "so close" because she only wanted to give me the information I needed, not enough to figure out the truth behind Sumika…
Wait, no. That was in front of everyone. There's no way she could reveal something that classified. Before, she said…
"You seem to be trusting me a bit. You sure about that? I might never tell you the whole truth about this."
Even if she was lying, given Sensei's personality, it's my fault for not checking this when I last talked to her.
"When did Sumika learn all this?" I ask.
"During purification, she suddenly opened her eyes." She answers.
"You mean just before she told Yuuko-sensei to blow the reactor?"
"That's right. Professor Kouzuki talked to her about it in the Command Center."
"I… see…"
I'm glad she hasn't been suffering from knowing this for very long. That knowledge would be so painful, I'm not sure I'd be able to hold it in like everything else. As it is, I'm a bit relieved. So I ask another question.
"But, why did she learn that so suddenly?"
She recovered quickly after the Objective 21 Operation too… Kasumi answers my question.
"Because, you got together. The closed parts of her subconscious were completely opened. That's when she learned everything."
That happened because of me. That must've been… why she lost consciousness back then.
"Correct." Kasumi says. "That was caused by the mental strain of taking in all that new information."
"Sumika…"
You've been the BETA's spy all this time without even knowing about it. The shock… it must be… just as bad as when I came in here. Or worse. Did you… feel the way I did? The crushing guilt? On top of what you were already feeling from what those horrible things they did to you? Is that why… you were prepared to die, and wanted to end it all yourself?
"That's not the only reason." Kasumi interjects.
"There's more?"
"Yes…" She trails off, closing her eyes as if she is hesitant to answer again.
"There's nothing else you can say that will affect me. Just say it."
"Knowing everything isn't always a good thing."
"That's certainly true…"
"Even if you never know… the problem will go away soon."
"Then why did you tell me there was more to it? If you'd just quietly listened to my thoughts that would've been the end of it."
Huh? Have I had this conversation before?
"Why do you want to know so badly?" She wonders, staring wide-eyed into my tired gaze. "You just want to know? You're curious?"
"Not curious persey. I just need… closure. I need that before I leave."
After learning all of this, I don't think I want to stay here anymore. I don't want to fight anymore. This isn't me running away again. I've done everything I can conceivably do as one person in this world. I got them on the right track. I fulfilled by promises to my comrades. I saved the world like I wanted. Regardless of what happens, there's no way humanity should lose now, and without Sumika I'm lacking the personal reason to fight. I would just get in the way.
I need to find what makes me the causality conductor and destroy it. After what I've done, Yuuko-sensei owes me. I can take advantage of that to get her to help me find it. If she refuses, I can force her hand somehow. I'll beat her at her own game if I have to. I won't hesitate. They taught me how not to do that anymore. They taught me not to rely on them to accomplish what I want to do. Relying on others… just kills them. So I have to be strong enough to change things on my own. I am now. I have to be because if not I will truly break.
"Why… are you so…?"
"You know why. You read Meiya's death off of me. You've read what I'm feeling right now about Sumika. After pushing my hesitation down there, there is no possible situation in which I would hesitate again. I've proven strong enough to save this world, and at this point… that's enough for me to say I accomplished what I came here to do. I no longer have a reason to fight for this world, not a far off reason or a personal one. If there's no Sumika in it to protect. If the world is already more or less saved. No matter what world I'm in, no matter what the nature of my existence, Sumika Kagami is the woman I love."
"If you've hurt someone, you want to apologize, and you'd do anything to show how sorry you are. You said that to me on the hill, the first day of training school."
"I'm not sure I can believe in that anymore. If it's Sumika, of course, but… I'm not sure I can do it for people I don't know personally. Who don't know what I did, and don't blame me for it anyways. Regardless, what does that even matter?"
"Sumika was the same as you. She wanted everyone she'd made miserable to be happy again. She wanted to do everything she could for those people."
"I told you, I can't believe in that anymore. She's not here. And if she's not here, how can I hold steady to that? I don't know who I am without her. Not anymore… I'm not sure if that's me. I'm not sure a person like that would be able to not hesitate. But that's fine, I'm stronger now because of I've moved passed it. I've grown up. I'm not a child anymore who can buy into such foolish things. Not that I would run away from a debt I need to repay, but I've paid it back. I've atoned. So there's no need to worry about it, right?
"Excuse me. I'm going to go see Yuuko-sensei now…" I turn back to look at Sumika. I'm sure a mournful look touches my face for an instant, but I suppress it. I'm not supposed to show how I feel around other people. Even the tone of my farewell doesn't fit its words. "Goodbye, Sumika… I'm going to go back now. I hope… you're at peace now."
I start walking away, but Kasumi grabs my sleeve and speaks.
"That's not all. She was also guilty because she couldn't change events in this world in the way she wanted."
"What…?" I wonder, looking down at her.
"If I'm right, you're not a causality conductor anymore."
Wait, you mean?
"It's only a feeling I got from her. But… I think Sumika was the one who made you that way. I don't think you have to worry about whether or not you'll be able to return now."
"How…?"
"The desperation she felt, when she was trapped like that… I saw it. The image in the dream she had. A dark place, with twins… it didn't become clear until later, but the twins were both Shirogane. One was dead, and the other was growing. Her brain, all alone, lonely, sought you out. But… you didn't exist here anymore. Yet… her desire to see you...
"The first thing I read from her was, 'I want to see Takeru-chan'. It was all throughout what was left of her. That desire. She lived on that desire, wanting to make it come true even though she watched this world's Shirogane die. Still, having that memory, she never stopped having that desire.
"Of course... that's not enough on its own."
"You don't mean... the G-Bombs?" I wonder, thinking of what could've caused such a thing.
"Yes, when the two G-Bombs exploded in the Yokohama Hive, the complex supergravitational tides of the explosion resonated with the reactor which produced a sharp, deep, distortion in spacetime. And for a brief moment, a path opened to a world close to ours. Your world. Her desire travelled along that path, and retrieved you. And, for the exchange of large quantities of G Elements, you arrived. There is no evidence of this. This is Professor Kouzuki's theory after hearing what Sumika learned."
"So, it wasn't her intention to take me specifically… I just got unlucky."
"If it was her choice, I'm sure she would've chosen the you she wanted most. One which at the very least already loved her. You did not when you first arrived here. That is proven by the fact that you have memories of other versions of you. Whether they are in other branches or are just you looping over and over, your current existence came from their death. And the other versions of you had different experiences and different feelings."
That definitely seems to be the case. I have other questions, but they all seem pointless, so why bother?
"Long story short, though, I can go home? The worlds I interfered with are fixed?"
"If you really aren't a causality conductor anymore, then you will have no choice in the matter. You don't belong in this world. Without anything to keep you here, your own world will draw you back. And since you aren't a causality conductor anymore, you can't carry events which would damage the other timelines, and any events you participated in should be undone."
"Ah, I see… that's good. Do you… think I'm a weakling this time? Do you think I'm running away again?"
"…"
"Give me your honest answer. I'm wondering what you think."
"I do not think you are weak, I think that you suffer more pain than anyone else in this world when things don't go your way because of who you are. And even without that, you've suffered more than most of them. I don't know if anyone can go through such things and remain the same person. You've changed… Takeru."
"Was it for the better?"
"Only you can answer that question… but, in my opinion, you have lost something valuable that the others would not have wanted you to lose."
"I see."
From upstairs, they hear the exit hatch unseal itself.
"I guess we'll have to continue this discussion later." Takeru says. "How long do you think I have?"
"If you have a will to stay here, it will take longer. I cannot give you an exact estimate."
"I understand. There's still one more thing I want to do here… You should come."
"I… will do that." With that, Kasumi turns around and starts to leave as Takeru gathers Sumika's body in his arms.
"Thank you, Kasumi. Thank you for not judging me this time…"
"I'm not entirely human yet, but… she cared about you enough… that even were she here… she would want you to leave. The weight in your heart is much different than before. I am not sure even you could carry such a burden without more help than I can grant."
"Well, it's like I told you, I'm not weak this time. I just have a selfish desire."
"Yes, I can sense that's the truth…"
"I'll see you on the hill later."
"I will be there." With that, Kasumi disappears. I take a deep breath and hug Sumika's body close. She is still warm. She is still Sumika…
"I'm sorry for failing you." I say softly without tears. "I hope… that helping made you happy in the end."
With that, I turn and head outside. Kasumi is already gone, and suppressing the tears is becoming easier. Even then, I cannot smile. I can't say I care all that much. This is a world I'll abandon. They'll all forget me when I leave anyways. No point in leaving an impression. So I leave in silence. They're all quiet too, just looking at me, saluting me. I don't avert my eyes from their gaze, but they avoid mine. They stay away quietly in respect for their savior. I prefer it that way, and I'm glad when no one follows me to the hill where I lay Sumika down on the ground. That's no surprise I guess, all the people who would've followed me are gone, as are the promises they laid on my shoulders. All that's left in me is the duty I had to them.
I cast my gaze towards the base as I realize I forgot to retrieve something I need for this part.
"Sorry Sumika, I'm an idiot. I forgot the most important thing about this…"
"It is alright." Kasumi says as she arrives, and hands me a shovel which I accept with a nod and a thanks. I start digging without hesitating. It doesn't take long. Sumika is small, after all. I end up digging more. I have to keep digging. She was small, but she had such a big heart, so she's too big for such a grave. We are rudely interrupted by an uninvited guest.
"What's the point of burying the 00 Unit?" Yuuko-sensei says from a short distance away.
"She's not the 00 Unit. She's Sumika." I say quietly. I can't react to her words anymore. She is a part of this world I will not miss. She helped me out of her own self-interest, and I'm tired of the mind-games. Huh… the me before I left would never have thought that. I'm glad I've grown enough to be able to toss her aside. "And no one… will ever dig up this grave. Kasumi will make sure of that."
Kasumi nods in affirmation.
"That's fine." Yuuko says. "You've earned my consideration as far as I'm concerned. There's really not much we can get from her anymore anyways."
"Of course that's what's important to you."
"Judging by the tone of your voice Shirogane, if she wasn't important to you, you would think much the same thing. The ends justify the means after all."
"Hm… you may be right."
"All human beings act in their own self-interest."
"Why are you here?"
"Nah… I'll wait for you to finish."
"Thank you."
The rest of the burial is conducted in silence that no one is so disrespectful as to interrupt. Even though I dig a deep hole, it doesn't take me long to reach as great a depth and width as I can justify. With that, I gather Sumika in my arms and lay her gently in the ground, making sure she doesn't drop the rabbit I made her. After a simple kiss on the forehead, I cover the body with dirt and pack it down. Lacking other means, I decide to mark the grave with a small pyramid of rocks. It's as much as I can do.
"I'm glad… I got to bury at least one person myself." I say, before standing up and turning around to look at Yuuko-sensei. "There's one more thing I need to do. Stay here, please."
"As you wish."
Kasumi remains still as well. It's not that far away down the cherry blossom tree road to the large piece of metal sticking from the ground. I place my hand atop it, so that I can talk to them all one last time. Everyone I'd failed in this world. Everyone who had died because I wasn't strong enough.
"I'm sorry you all had to die. But… don't worry about me. I'll keep going. I won't give up. And if I can ever come up with something as solid as a goal again, I'll pursue it without fail. I won't let anyone stop me. I won't rely on anyone else to help me get it done. Thanks for giving that strength to me. I'm sure I'm better off for it."
I planned to stay longer, but I'm starting to feel something. A type of tingling feeling running through my body. It's unfamiliar, so I have to assume it's something very specific. I can't afford to spend too much time with them all. So… I'll cut it short. It looked like Yuuko-sensei wanted to talk with me before I left. She's standing alongside Kasumi near the hill in the distance.
"Just… please forgive me for being unable to smile right now. I don't have enough time to gather my thoughts enough so I can do that. I'm a failure as platoon leader… I know. But I'll never forget you, and hopefully you can still hear me across worlds. I'll make sure to laugh a bit once I can manage it. Give them hell. Goodbye, everyone…"
When I first came to this world… I didn't want to accept that there could be one so screwed up. I pitied everyone that lived here, and then I tried to save them. Ironic that in the end... they all saved me. I lost sight of something that simple during the course of the war. I got full of myself because I was the only one who'd seen the world end, so I didn't see it until now. They gave me the strength I needed to carry on. So only now do I finally understand what it means to be a soldier, and I'll never forget what everyone here taught me.
And in respect for that, I return to Yuuko and Kasumi without looking back. The goodbye may have been short, but I'm sure they received my feelings, and I'm sure while watching they're proud I didn't cry. They're proud I'm not falling apart like that other time. They're proud of me for not being obsessed with the past, even though my heart is begging me to. But that's just another feeling I crush before it gets out of hand. Another feeling I crush before it can control me.
"Yuuko-sensei." I say as I walk up to her. "I don't have long, so whatever you've got to get off your chest, you should do it soon."
"You really have grown Shirogane." She says with her trade-mark off-kilter smile. Even now I'm still not sure whether or not to take her seriously. "Look at that focus. I'm glad at the end we're equals. Parting with my partner in crime feels better that way."
I say nothing.
"Aw, guess you're going to be that way then. But at least you're done saying goodbye and you've really got nothing left to do in this world. Though that also means we don't have long."
There are still BETA on Earth, the Moon, and Mars. There are a huge number of hives throughout the universe. But they aren't my problem anymore. I saved them already, but I can't keep saving them. They need to stand up and save themselves. Lots of them are stronger than me, even now. I'm sure they'll be able to manage it.
"That's right. I have nothing left to do here." I say.
"Surprising, I thought you'd say the opposite." Yuuko replies.
"Sorry to disappoint, but this isn't my world. There's only so much I'm obligated to do for it. I paid off my debts, so I'm done."
"As far as I'm concerned Shirogane, you did far more than what you were obligated to do. Far more that what anyone could've or should've expected from you. You changed who you were to accommodate that goal and saved the world. You have nothing to regret."
"You certainly don't seem to have any. Guess I won't be able to make you cry. I promised the other world's Yuuko-sensei I would do that."
"Ha, such a shame." She pauses before continuing. "Well, anyways, don't forget that you did great out there."
"You don't need to flatter me. I know what I did. I know what we accomplished."
"The modesty is all gone, huh?"
"I'm not going to deny the truth over something so silly."
"I see…"
"Is this all you're here to say? That's not like you. You've never come to talk to me right after I came back from an operation."
"Really? Never?"
"Not once."
Does this mean Sensei's feeling something about me leaving? The fact that she went out of her way to come all the way out here. Ha, no way. No matter what happened she wouldn't do that. She's like me, or should I say I'm like her. Either way… can't leave unpaid debts. That's why I came straight here. Paying back my debts to my comrades and Sumika was a lot more important than anything else I could conceivably do.
"There are a lot of questions about what happened." Yuuko says.
"You'll have to use the flight recorder and ask Kasumi. I don't have any time for that right now."
"Yes, I understand. Though I will miss having your unique perspective."
"I somehow doubt I'd be able to offer anything to amuse you as I am now."
"I see… Well, we'd better hurry and get this over with."
"With what?"
"Here."
Yuuko offers a gun. A small 9mm pistol. The same one she offered me once before.
"You'll use it right?" She asks as I take the gun from her. "You're not a causality conductor anymore. Even if you kill me, nothing will happen to the me in the other world. I'm sure that's one of the reasons you didn't back then. And since Kagami doesn't exist during this transfer, you really will cease to exist in this world. This time, not one person in this world will ever remember you existed. So you won't have to worry about anyone wondering where you went and criticizing you for it."
She has a point. At the time, I was only thinking about Sumika, so I never noticed that. As she speaks, I make sure the gun is loaded and ready to fire, and then I point the gun at her forehead. She doesn't move at all, but instead flashes a grin.
"I know that look Shirogane. I haven't seen it on your face before, but it's familiar. If you were going to do it, you would already have done so. Or, what? Would you like me to answer some questions first? Or do you have something to tell me? I did… tell you to save the whining and complaining until the end, after all. This is the end."
"I did have some more pointless questions earlier for Kasumi. But there were more important things to do. Besides, I'd rather get the answers from you."
"I see. I'm glad my advice is valuable to you."
I don't lower the gun as I ask.
"Earlier, Kasumi explained to me that the other versions of me who existed in this world and died have different feelings than I do. I understand that could be explained by me looping and having latent memories from previous timelines influence my actions, but that doesn't explain why I would be getting memory flashes of multiple timelines in my original world."
"That's a tough one, but I'll give it my best shot." She says before continuing. "My theory is that every possibility you have envisioned is the result of the fact that when you were taken into this world, you still had the potential to advance along any number of branches in your world. By coming here, and dying, you became a type of 'nexus' for that Shirogane's memories. That is why your visions are less frequently of your original world, as they are drawn from over a greater cosmic distance. Instead of drawing either from other branches in this world or from your own personal experiences in previous loops, you draw from the distinct branches of your world."
"But how did that happen?"
"When you die, you are at that point no longer a physical being. I don't quite know how this works, but my theory is that at that point, in cosmic terms you are an object of significant causal mass which draws in cosmic information related to your specific existence."
"Causal… mass?"
"Think of it as you being a sun and having a solar system of planets around you. An object that big, having that much mass, has gravity, though in your case you only pull in things which are directly related to you as the Takeru Shirogane of your specific world. When someone dies, their existence doesn't usually stick around, but yours does. When you are detached from the world by dying your gravity has influence on the worlds around us. It pulls in information on all other versions of the Takeru Shirogane from your world's branches depending on your will."
"But why am I such a 'heavy' object in causal terms?"
"You're thinking of this wrong. I'm stretching the analogy, but you're not heavy in causal terms like the way we were talking before. Causal mass is a different concept altogether. As for why you have so much causal mass, I have no idea. I would think that your dying and coming back has something to do with it. This is why I suspect that your loops are all your experience rather than there being multiple distinct versions of you in different branches. By going through that state so many times, you would grow in mass by the number of experiences and causal information you built up and carried over to your new start. Past a certain point, your causal mass would be so enormous that you'd start pulling memories from every branch of you whether you liked it or not. I'd imagine that so many conflicting memories would drive you mad."
"Wait, is that why this timeline went differently? You said that me choosing Sumika is what caused this, but that doesn't explain why this time my experiences from previous loops and even the body I built up is intact. My memories aren't complete of course, but even considering that the memories I have are most likely an amalgamation of memories from the other versions of me in this world, I have no memory of ever waking up with those things before. Every other timeline I have recalled seems to end more or less the same way. And this is the only time I carried my experiences over. Is it because of my causal mass? Have I… grown so much that I'm starting to pull from adjacent branches of this world?"
"Hm… interesting theory, but I don't think so. I do think your causal mass has something to do with this but you're thinking about it the wrong way. The first half is more or less what I suspect. Your causal mass grew large, so you woke up with memories of your previous experiences. But I don't think that's because you drew from the other branches. I think what it is, is that the most familiar experiences across time loops became imprinted on you. So once you had done them a certain number of times, you were able to readily access them. I don't really understand why this seems to have been all at once but that's the best explanation."
"So… are you saying that if I had been looped again, I wouldn't have had the memories of this loop? I would've… woken up the same way?"
"It seems likely you carry some latent memories or you wouldn't do even small things differently in each loop. But, yes, this would've played out more or less the same way until you had run this scenario so many times that the memories became embedded in your causal mass. Or… it would be more appropriate to say that your gravity, in cosmic terms, was too great for the most familiar experiences to escape."
"Ah… so looping this again would've been pointless."
"Yes. Most likely you would've ended with the same result. Does that make you feel better?"
"In a way… yes. A bit."
"Anything else? I have a busy schedule, you know."
"Sorry to waste it." I say, lowering the gun. "This world needs you. It would be betraying everyone who died to kill you now."
"But… you're not saying you don't want to?"
"Could you, if you were in my position?"
"I suppose not. I don't regret what I did. I produced the results I wanted. But, from the outside I must appear to be a truly despicable person. Or… I am a truly despicable person."
"If anything else, you are the one person I don't think I could ever bring myself to forgive. But… you are also the one person who I appreciate the most for being here. I wouldn't have been able to do anything without you. I would've been stuck here forever, repeating my suffering for an eternity."
"I see. So, we're even?"
"Of course that's what you would get out of that. The answer is no. Don't waste your life, keep protecting humanity, then we'll be even."
"I understand. If you're okay with that, it's easy enough for me."
"That's all too true."
Sensei's definitely not weak. She's strict and calculating when it comes to completing her objectives. Maybe she's lying and she does feel remorse, but I don't really think that would change anything. Though… if she was really completely that type of person, she wouldn't have drunken herself stupid and cried to me back then. She wouldn't have checked whether or not the Captain's sister had died. But still, she accepted her responsibility of showing others the way head on, and she never hesitated. Not like I did. She locked all those things inside from the beginning, never complaining to anyone.
I wonder if the reason I feel such overwhelming hatred for her as I am now has anything to do with how similar we now are. Sort of like… how Sakaki and Ayamine used to be. But, regardless, it's thanks to her that I was able to come this far. No matter how many times I looped. No matter how many things I managed to integrate into my "causal mass". I wouldn't have been able to do nearly as much without her. But… that is merely her paying her debt back to me. She needed me just as much. Though, I have to thank her, for making me the way I am now. She really was a great teacher.
"What's wrong? Want to shoot me after all?"
"I never stopped. But I stand by what I said. More importantly, just like I'm not going to hoist any responsibility for the things I've done on anyone else, I'm not going to hoist it on you either. I'm not going to blame you or act like a victim. I can't help but hate you, but I'm done letting my emotions control me."
"Even if you did, you still wouldn't have shot me. You're too good a person Shirogane."
"No, the previous me was just weak. The current me just has a reason to keep you alive."
"Yes, I understand. If you change your mind, feel free to do it whenever."
"I'm keeping the gun."
"Bold."
"Not really. I just want to feel like I took something from you. At least that way, I can partially pay back my debt to the other you. This is a situation where I'm choosing to balance the scales. Though… guess it's more of a symbolic gesture than anything."
"Indeed. So, you've got no complaining to do?"
"None. I won't worry about the past anymore."
"Wow…"
To be honest, I have tons of pointless questions for her. But there's no point in checking each and every one of them now. I don't feel as if I have that much time… and besides, learning more about this world has no value to me. I'll never see it again.
"Hm, well how about something more future-oriented?" She asks.
"What do you mean?"
"Nothing in particular. If anything… just some way of killing time until you disappear."
"I thought you were busy?"
"Seeing you off is part of paying back my debt, so humor me."
"Okay. What do you have in mind?"
"Well, if I'm right, then the events you caused in the other worlds are gone and you'll return to October 22nd in your world. The day in which you were from pulled from it and turned into a causality conductor by Sumika Kagami."
"Yes, I understand. Everything that I did was fixed."
"Yep, everything you caused is being reconstructed back to its original state. If there really are other branches of this world as well, other versions of you who loved someone other than Kagami, they should be reconstructed as well. You are the 'true' Takeru Shirogane after all. The others might as well be fakes in comparison. Copies."
"They were still me at some point. And… I think regardless of who they love… they would still feel guilty for allowing Sumika to suffer. They would still love Sumika as their closest friend."
"I see. They are you, after all, so of course you would know. Or rather they were you. They've been erased now. They only existed because you were there."
So, in the end, even those worlds have to start from scratch.
"I understand." I reply.
"Well, either way, I'm sure those worlds won't be exactly the same." Yuuko explains. "Even if you aren't there, causality is affected by strong will. All of this is proof of that. Even if those versions of you were still the child you started as, they certainly had a strong will. I don't think that will go unrecognized in the world even if they are reconstructed."
"Are you trying to reassure me? You should stop."
"Oh please, I'm not the type to do that Shirogane. I'm just embracing the fact that it turned out it was as I predicted. The quantum causality theory accounts for the strength of the will of life in the world. Don't you remember?"
The 00 Unit candidates and their ability to attract branches they desired. That must be what she means. In theory… anyone who has a strong will is a 00 Unit candidate in that respect. Even me. But, because will that strong is so hard to come by, it ends up being an extremely rare ability…
"Receiving causality information leaking out of parallel worlds requires a will to contain them." Yuuko continues, interrupting my thoughts. "In that way, causality information exchanges and projections are the same thing. Information can't reach something which won't receive it."
"Ah, I understand now."
"Ha, you're a strange person. No matter what, deep down, you always try to find the good in people. Even people you hate."
…!
"Sumika had a strong will too." Kasumi interrupts. "Without it, she would have died with all of those other brains. That is what I believe."
"I'm sure that will may impact even your world Shirogane." Yuuko says. "If her will was that strong, I'm sure she desired for you to have a good life, and the world that results should be product of that."
"Now… you really are trying to reassure me, Sensei." I tell her.
"We all owe Kagami." She explains simply. "So I am merely telling you what she would want me to tell you. In my personal opinion, that's just wishful thinking. If you want a better world and a good life you need to build those yourself."
"I can't disagree with that. But… knowing that's a possibility is still good."
"That's what she would have wanted, so it's not like I'm not going to begrudge you that. You're all grown up after all. You wouldn't rely on that type of idea to have the life you want."
"Another thing I can't disagree with."
The tingling sensation is getting stronger and particles of light are starting to emerge from my feet. Time is winding down to my disappearance.
"There is one other thing." Yuuko says. "Tamase left you a letter, do you want it? Or, do you have no interest in the past? You won't have time to read it now, but you shouldn't lose it. Or the gun. Your own world is missing a Shirogane, so when you return you will do it as you are now."
I nod, and Kasumi hands it to me. She said… she wouldn't write a will. Guess she decided otherwise. I hold it in my hand to ensure it will not disappear.
"Thanks. As an Eishi from the same unit and a comrade from the same training school, I can't let it go to waste."
"Very well. Regardless… Shirogane, this world will forget everything you did for us. It will forget how important you were to our survival." Yuuko says. "But no matter what, I will not forget my debt. And even if I did, I would still do as you asked. I will protect humanity. Without that, my life wouldn't have purpose."
"Good. If you forgot, I'd have to come back and shoot you."
She grins.
"Guess that means I should ask one last pointless question." I say. She nods. "Kasumi, you said it was all over now before. What do you mean by that?"
"The BETA still remain, but the entity we destroyed was what offered them intelligence and direction." Kasumi explains. "They are now nothing more than mindless machines acting on the last directive they were given. There may still be others on Mars and the Moon, but at the very least this ensures that the war on Earth will end. Without direction, the BETA have forgotten even the most basic of their strategic nuance. This has already been confirmed in battles against the BETA that are still raging all across the world. Many will die, but the final result is clear. The BETA can no longer attack until something enters their range. Humanity can take all the time it needs to exterminate the BETA with precision.
"This planet is safe. I give you my word."
"For now it is. The rest of the war with the BETA... that's less certain." Yuuko says. "As Yashiro said, there may still be more of those BETA superiors on Mars and the Moon. They may decide to try and send them here. Still, using the data we've retrieved, especially the data from the primary objective… we know for a fact that we've have bought ourselves at least thirty more years of survival."
"Thirty… years?"
"Yes. All thanks to your efforts. Thanks to that theory, the equations, and even the XM3... Humanity was only expected to survive ten more years. This is a huge step, and it will ensure that even if humanity is forced to resort to Alternative V in the end, we shouldn't have to leave anyone behind."
"That's good to hear. Sorry, I was just surprised it was that much."
"Don't get me wrong. This war is far from over. It'll take a minimum of twenty years to wipe out the BETA on Mars. How long we last after that, or whether we even get that far, depends entirely on us."
"That's true. The universe is practically filled with BETA after all."
"Yes, but now humanity is at an advantage. They can no longer use our lack of knowledge of them and their function against us. The scientific data we gather from them will leap our technology forward decades in mere months. Of course… there's a bigger problem than the BETA that will affect all of this. Whether humanity can get over all of its rivalries and competing interests in order to work together. It almost cost us the war before, several times, and it may continue to bring us close to destruction in the future. Any future we have will depend on us moving past that.
"Of course, maybe it won't even be necessary. You've proven that communication with the BETA is possible. We might be able to negotiate for peace, or identify the species that made the BETA and negotiate with them. So we'll be doing a lot of research on that, for the military of course. We'll deal with mutual understanding once we eliminate the immediate threat.
"Whether we make peace or keep fighting… there will be idiots who try to use authority as an excuse to do whatever they want. And, unlike me, they won't use it for humanity's interests. So we'll have to keep dealing with internal conflicts on top of the BETA. Humans need our own mutual understanding before we can think about communicating with them. So, like I implied before, that mutual understanding is the real key to our survival."
That's right, and that doesn't just apply to this world. It's true in all of them. Not knowing about it is no excuse. Learning the value of something only after losing it is far too late. Feeling like doing something because everyone says you should doesn't mean anything. Yet, humans continue to repeat this. Even humans who live in a world this serious about living.
"Sensei." I say, looking straight into her eyes as the light grows and begins to obscure my vision. My legs are beginning to evaporate. I'm losing feeling in them, though it doesn't hurt.
"What?" She wonders.
"Everything I've done… Everything we gained in exchange for the lives of others… Make sure they have meaning."
"Of course. That's part of my debt. Even if no one finds out about their sacrifices, of your sacrifices… even if no one is grateful for them… the truth of the matter will never change. Those sacrifices meant something. They gave us a chance when we had none. Even should we lose, those sacrifices will still have had meaning, because at least we got to live that much longer.
"And that's why even if you hate me, I am grateful to you, for the gift you have bestowed upon every human being in this world. The gift of being able to choose our own future. Thank you, Shirogane. You are, without a doubt, this world's savior."
I nod, and decide to salute her. Because even if I hate her, I also respect her, and she deserves acknowledgement of that. She gives a slight grin, and returns the favor.
"Thank you, 2nd Lieutenant." Yuuko says. "Now go take the rest you've earned here."
"Ma'am." I reply in return. "Take care of the rest."
She nods, as the light envelops me completely. A loud noise dominates my ears.
"Kasumi, keep working with sensei." I call out, slowing increasing my volume as I speak to make sure she hears me. "Find your own identity, and speak to everyone with pride. I'm counting on you!"
"I will do that, 2nd Lieutenant. And when the world becomes peaceful once again, I will go and see the ocean!"
"Yes! Be sure… to make tons of memories! I'll always be watching you, no matter what world you're in!"
With that, I am deafened by silence. The light reaches a peak, and I finally fade away completely… leaving behind a world I will never be allowed to return to.
Sorry for the absurd length of this. It's necessary setup for the story and it changes a lot of the rules and dialogue of this scene to create a character arc for Shirogane to follow throughout the story and to facilitate the story at hand. I will keep future chapters to a reasonable length, and, of course, they will be completely original content. Absolutely nothing from this point is the same as the ending of Muv Luv Alternative.
