Please excuse the excessive bolding/underlining/italicizing, but it's neccesary to gee the point across since I can't use a heapin' helpin' of exclamation points and question marks. - kavi

Chapter One – She Who Must Be Obeyed

Once upon a time last week, in a remote part of the Himalayas, there was a huge, black, evil, foreboding citadel built into the side of a mountain. Said citadel was very Old Gothic-y looking and had many turrets, towers, gargoyles, windows, balconies, and dragon housing lots. Yes, this was no ordinary citadel. This citadel happened to belong to one of the most feared, the most hated, the most evil people the Magical World has ever heard of…or not.

In fact, hardly any of the Magical World had ever heard of this evil creature. In a more specific fact, only seven people had ever heard of this foul monster, besides family. But, unfortunately enough for the residents of this citadel, they were all about to hear from the nefarious fiend.

"WHERE IS IT?" a high, cold, evil female voice shrieked, loud enough to hear all the way in Britain.

"I-I'm sorry, Master, but I –" a male voice stammered quietly, and more than a bit fearfully.

"HOW could you lose it?" the woman screamed again. "It's not a hard thing to keep track of!"

The screaming female was this satanic overlord I keep mentioning; Lord Psychosis Dragotia, or just Lord Psycho for short. She was a 5'9'', pale-skinned, slim woman of pure witch blood. Stick-straight, raven-haired and gold-with-red-center-and-outer-rimmed eyed, Lord Psycho could be said to be considerably attractive when not angry. But that was not the case this day as her fiery eyes blazed and her long hair flew around as she paced furiously.

"I-I don't know, I just left it on the table and walked away for a second, and when I came back it was gone!" the cowering man before Lord Psycho explained, trying to calm his Master.

He was about 4 inches shorter than his master, but only because she was so tall and he was 5'5''. He wore all black. His clothes underneath his long black hooded robe were black, his elegant leather gloves were black, and his 'headwrap' was black, too. He only wore said headwrap because he wished to conceal his identity to all but Lord Psycho, so all he ever showed to the world were his piercing light blue eyes. He carried a wand that was 11 inches long, made of oak and contained a unicorn hair, but he was in the process of learning how to do magic without one, like Lord Psycho. He was her second-in-command, her Top Spy, her 'servant', and her friend. But, for his desire to remain anonymous, she called him Evil Minion, because that's exactly what he was. (Evil Minion will be known as "EM" everywhere except dialogue from this point forward.)

"So you're telling me it just got up and walked away?" Lord Psycho snapped at EM, still not regaining the good mood she had every day until she woke up and got out of bed. EM winced a bit at the yelling he was receiving, but continued after a small sigh.

"No, Master, because it doesn't have any legs." he said calmly. "To tell you the truth, I haven't the faintest idea where it went, or if someone took it or some…thing…" he trailed off, realizing by the look on her face that Lord Psycho was about to explode.

"WHAT KIND OF EVIL MINION ARE YOU?" she roared at him. "HOW HARD IS IT TO KEEP TRACK OF A BAG OF OREOS FOR TWO MINUTES WHILE I CHECK MY EMAIL?"

"…N….Not hard?" EM suggested in a small voice. He hated it when he made Lord Psycho mad. She really needs some anger management counseling… he thought to himself, smirking inwardly.

"EXACTLY!" his Master screamed at him. She paused to think for a moment. Then she turned on her heel and walked to her 'throne', long black cloak billowing in her wake. She sat down in the large, comfy, silver, red, and black chair. She leaned back and stroked her chin thoughtfully. This 'throne' greatly improved her "evil look" when she sat in it. It was very high-backed, had a black leather seat with elegant yet sinister red embroidering around the edges, and a silver frame with many different Dragon and flame designs carved into it at strategic locations. It looked this way because Lord Psycho had custom-ordered it from Lay-Z-Boy.

She let her eyes wander around the room; from the black marble floors, to the domed ceiling with the circular Dragon-Hatch, to the red and white marble walls, to the black Gothic iron candelabras dotted about the room, to the huge stained-glass "wall" before her, to the two doorways on either side of the stained-glass leading to the other parts of the citadel, to the door that led to a small balcony outside, and to the few steps that led up to her little "throne platform."

She set her creepy eyes upon her underling. "I've just been pondering who could have stolen my Oreos, and, likely, have eaten them. " She paused, as if finished.

"….And?" EM asked tentatively, not sure if Lord Psycho was going to reenact Mt. St. Helens again or not.

"…And it was either Maxu or Sakura." She finished matter-of-factly.

"What about Schlange?"

"Schlange hates everything that doesn't have meat in it."

"…Oh, right. Shall I get Sakura for you, Master?"

"Yes, Evil Minion, you do that…I need to ponder some things I'm going to do to the fool who ate my cookies…."

While Lord Psycho started her pondering, EM took out his wand and conjured up a small black glassy oval in the air with the words, "Per oculus. "

"Show me Sakura Hikaru." he spoke to the odd apparition. The black surface started to gain color, and after mixing and moving the pigment around, formed an image. The scene was this: a young Japanese girl with sky blue, bubblegum-pink-streaked, glittery hair was frolicking in a meadow with a multitude of fluffy creatures such as kittens, puppies, bunnies, and other disgustingly cute things. She was wearing a pale pink Japanese kimono with a flower design on it. The grass was green and welcoming with tiny white daises dotting the carpet of earth. The sky was bright blue with puffy, marshmallow clouds and singing birds floating on the gentle breeze. Her bright purple eyes sparkled with laughter.

EM watched this for a moment, expression unchanging, and said with a flick of the wand, "Per os." A handheld-sized, cone-shaped, glossy black object appeared in reach of EM's hand. He grabbed it and looked at the flat bottom part, which was covered in what looked like miniscule chainmesh and was pulled taut over the top. He put it close to his mouth, took a deep breath and –

"WAKE UP!" he shouted into the mesh-like part. An ear-piercing screech resonated throughout the citadel. The black oval with the image in it had changed: instead of showing Sakura in the peaceful meadow, she was sitting bolt upright in her bed with frizzy, messed up hair and wearing ducky pajamas. She was breathing heavily and looked quite startled.

"HOW many times do I have to tell you," she gasped. "Don't EVER do that to me!" She looked very distraught. She rubbed her eyes and yawned widely.

"Lord Psycho would like a word with you." EM said into the mesh again, this time more calmly.

"Fine." Sakura muttered groggily. "Give me a minute to change and I'll be right there."

EM didn't blink.

"That means you turn off your little TV screen!" Sakura snapped at the wall as she got out of bed.

"I just wanted to make sure you weren't going to flop back onto your bed and go back to sleep, like you always do." EM said before dismissing the image and the cone-shaped object with a wave of his gloved hand. He gave a small sigh and turned to face his Master. Lord Psycho was standing outside on a balcony overlooking her part of the Himalayas. He walked over near the massive windows and stopped where the balcony started. Lord Psycho didn't move.

"Is she coming?" she asked, sounding only half concerned with the matter.

"Yes. She needs to change first." EM replied. Lord Psycho looked over her magnificent view. The snowy peaks of the tallest mountains higher up than her citadel, a forest-filled valley miles below, and the dwarfing Mt. Everest in the distance were over half of the reasons she chose to have her citadel built there. It was remote enough so that no non-magic person could reach her and live to tell about it, and any magical being that could wouldn't know she was there anyhow. And she liked the mountains; they made her feel secure, and she had more privacy than she knew what to do with. It may have been cold and snowy nearly all year round, but Lord Psycho was actually more comfortable in lower temperatures. And the innumerable cliffs and valleys made it a perfect place to raise winged dragons – they had plenty of flying space. And the creatures that lived in the lush valleys a bit farther south than her home were perfect game for the dragons. Lord Psycho had a thing for raising her own personal Grand Army of Dragons, and for the dragons in general.

Several minutes later, Sakura appeared in the grand doorway. "I'm here!" she said cheerily, despite the overall theme of Lord Psycho's mood. She turned around to see Sakura fully out-dressed in an orange plaid miniskirt, glittery purple halter-top, high-heeled sandals, and her sparkly hair in pigtails. "And, if it couldn't be too much to ask, could I have some breakfast, please? I'm really hungry."

"Well, you should be. It's one o' clock in the afternoon and you were awake until 5 in the morning last night." Lord Psycho paused to let her point sink in. "What were you doing all that time anyway?"

"Uhh…Nothing! Nothing at all!" she gave a nervous laugh, but cut it short when she saw the look Lord Psycho was giving her.

"Right." The evil woman muttered as she meandered over to her throne. As she sat down, she asked her young Master of Communications, "So, have you possibly seen any bags of Oreo cookies lying around anywhere?"

"Erm, no. Why?"

"Because dear Evil Minion here seems to have misplaced mine." At that comment, EM seemed to shrink a little with aggravation at getting blamed for all of this. It's just one bag of Oreos! You have plenty enough money to get 100 more!

But, pity the fool, EM forgot that his Master was an extremely experienced and powerful Legilimens, and heard as soon as his thought was finished, "I will deal with you later, Minion. But for now, it's Sakura's turn to possibly be yelled at." She paused to let that sink in as well. "Continue."

"Well, the only Oreos I've seen recently were the ones you were snacking on like, 2 weeks ago." Sakura said, sounding a bit confused as to why Lord Psycho was interrogating her about a lost bag of Oreos.

There was a long pause in which Lord Psycho just stared at Sakura, searching her thoughts to detect the truth. "You're not lying."

"Of course not." Sakura said indignantly, and then suddenly wishing she hadn't as she remembered her master's bad mood. "Oh, I um, I-I didn't -"

"Shut up." Lord Psycho snapped at her irritably. After a short pause to mutter to herself "They're just idiots, you're perfectly sane, just idiots who don't remember how much pain you could make them go through with a single word…", Lord Psycho said to Sakura, who was now quite nervous that she was in for it, "You said you were hungry, correct?"

"Yes, my Lord."

"Edgar!" she shouted to no one in particular. In a matter of moments, a well-dressed British-looking ghost floated in through the wall. He was wearing a black suit, complete with coattails, a dark green tie, white dress shirt, and silver-with- green-embroidery vest. He also wore a singularly classy monocle. His slicked-back, transparent hair appeared silver and his eyes were a clear blue.

"You shouted?" he asked, smirking only slightly.

"Make Sakura some breakfast, would you?" Lord Psycho said to the ethereal butler.

"As you wish." Edgar said as he floated calmly out the door. She watched the ghost of her butler disappear, and then turned to address EM.

"Well, this means it was Maxu's doing." She said. Sakura's ears perked up.

"What?" she asked with sudden interest.

"Well," EM said patiently, "Lord Psycho deduced that it was either you or D'maxucoma that stole and likely ate her Oreos, and since you didn't see them, that means Maxu did it. You're free of charge."

"Oh." She said quietly before adding as an afterthought, "I wonder why he would steal Psycho's cookies?"

"That's LORD Psycho, to you." She herself said loudly.

"Sorry!" the girl peeped.

"Well, while you're standing there, where is Maxu?"

"Um, I don't know. I haven't seen him in a few days…" she said sadly.

"Well, do you know where he might have went to?"

"Not really."

"How sad. Evil Minion!"

"Yes, Lord Psycho?"

"Search the citadel for Maxu."

"Right." EM said before running out of the room to do just what Lord Psycho had told him to. Meanwhile, Edgar had returned with Sakura's breakfast. It was bacon and eggs.

"But, but…" she started, starting to become almost teary-eyed.

"Oh, what now?" Lord Psycho asked with an exasperated sigh.

"I wanted rice. Or miso, or something…but not this!" Sakura whined.

"Ungrateful, 'annie-may'-obsessed teenager…" Lord Psycho muttered. "Well, too bad. That's what Edgar made, that's what you'll eat, unless you want to go make breakfast yourself."

Sakura sighed. "All right. I'll have this. I don't really like eggs that much, but since I'm really hungry…"

"Yes, and if they had left it under the chicken much longer it would've lived. Now eat it." Lord Psycho snapped, still in a foul mood.

Sakura stopped short. She stared at the eggs on her plate and thought about what her 'friend' had just said. "Awww, thanks a lot! Now I can't eat them!"

"Why not?"

"Because you made me feel bad."

"WHY?"

"You reminded me that they could have lived if I hadn't complained that I was hungry!" She paused. "And now I can't eat them."

Lord Psycho let out a long, frustrated sigh. She rubbed her temple to try to ease her new headache. "Edgar."

Her butler wandered in through the wall once again.

"Yes?" he asked, looking a bit tired of the teenager's complaints.

"Make Sakura some rice to shut her up."

"Yes, my Lord." Before he left with the rejected plate of food he said to himself very crossly, "I've forgotten why I bother..."

Lord Psycho sighed heavily, closed her eyes, and leaned back in her throne once more. Just as she opened her eyes again, EM came back into the room, looking like he had just ran a long way, which he had.

"Maxu isn't here, my Lord." He said, gasping for breath.

"Mm, pity." she said nonchalantly. "Did you Ask Jeeves?"

"Just what I was about to do." At that, EM said "Accio Laptop!" and his state-of-the-art computer appeared in his hands. He turned it on and connected to the Internet. Or tried to. "Curse this foul dial-up connection…"

"I second that." Lord Psycho muttered as she listened to the ungodly racket that was the Dial-up Sound. After many minutes of the torture that was listening to the horrid noise, Lord Psycho finally said, "All right already! Just use mine, I have Broadband." She motioned to the doorway to her right, and said simply, "It's in the second room on the left. If you find anything promising, print it out."

EM walked into the room and found her top-notch, high-tech computer with enough power to shame Bill Gates. Most things related to Muggles were greatly disliked by Lord Psycho, but computers, email and the Internet were very special exceptions. EM sat down in the comfy leather swivel chair and opened up Internet Explorer. He typed in the address and up came the Ask Jeeves homepage in 0.0031 seconds flat.

Wow. Nice connection. he thought to himself. He typed in "Earl Cromley", Maxu's real name, and came up with only one legitimate result. It was for some American school, and according to them he used to be a student there and lived in Los Angeles. He then did exactly what Lord Psycho had told him to; he printed it out. But, sadly enough for everyone, Lord Psycho's printer was fairly old and slow, so it took 2 full minutes to print the thing out. As she listened to her feeble machine printing, she muttered to herself, "Note to self: Tell Evil Minion to buy new printer." After doing said printing-out, EM gave the paper to his Master.

"….Hmmm. This is interesting. L.A., eh? Contact this Earl Cromley and see if he's the one who ate my cookies…And order a new printer while you're at it!" she instructed. And he did so.

"The new printer is on it's way, and yes, this is the Maxu we're familiar with." EM said after only a few more minutes on Lord Psycho's computer.

"And is he coming?"

"Yes. I told him you were exceptionally peeved at him."

"Oh goody."

Not a moment after she uttered those words, a loud crack was heard in the large chamber and Lord Psycho saw Maxu standing in the middle of the doorway looking aggravated. He was about 2 inches shorter than Lord Psycho, tanned, bleach-blonde-haired, and was wearing very casual clothes; a blue t-shirt that read "If you choke a Smurf what color will it turn?", baggy blue jeans, and red Converse shoes.

"Couldn't be bothered to dress up a bit, could we?" Lord Psycho said conversationally after a pause.

"Well, you caught me on short notice." He said grumpily.

"HI MAXU!" Sakura squealed as she leapt onto his back playfully. How she accomplished such a feat in 2.5-inch heels was beyond any of them.

Unfortunately, she hadn't realized that her arms were wrapped around his neck just a bit too tight. The 19-year-old's gasps for air didn't seem to give her any hints, so Lord Psycho herself decided to step in and save her Grand General's life. With a flick of her hand Sakura went flying off his back and onto her butt on the cold hard floor.

"Oowww!" she moaned. "What was that for?"

"Maxu is the only one here who knows how to cook well. He's too valuable to let you choke." Lord Psycho said coldly.

"Edgar can cook too…" she muttered, rubbing her sore bottom as she got up.

"Yes, but that's why I said Maxu can cook well."

At that moment, the butler was returning with Sakura's cherished rice. He somewhat shoved the bowl into her hands, said stiffly, "Enjoy." and turned to face his master. "Anything else?"

"Thank you Edgar, that's all." She said, more pleasantly than she had been to her other minions because she knew he had heard her say he wasn't that great of a cook, which was unfortunately the truth.

"Anyways…" Maxu said more than a little irritably. "Why are you pissed at me again?"

Lord Psycho turned her attention to him once again. "Actually, as of right now I'm not mad at you at all. Before I get mad at you I have to ask you a few questions."

"Whatever it was, I didn't do it! I swear!" he said, almost starting to panic. "I've been in L.A. since Sunday! Ask any of my friends!"

"…You went to L.A. to visit your friends without telling anyone?" EM said in near disbelief.

"Yeah, so?" Maxu replied in a 'wutcha gonna do, punk!' tone despite the fact that EM was 4 years older, much wiser, and a lot stronger than himself. Had he spoken to Lord Psycho like that, he'd have had to be rushed to the medical wing.

"Well I'm a bit concerned because I was starting to think you'd been captured or killed." He replied icily. "If I hadn't found you thanks to the Internet we probably would've sent out a searching party, and they could've been seen, caught or killed. And that would've been a sad waste of lives if we had found out afterwards you'd been screwing around in California."

Lord Psycho stared at the cloaked man standing to the side of her throne out of the corner of her eye. She was impressed with how he was handling the situation. Maxu was highly skilled in strategy and so made a good Grand General in control of the human army, as well as a phenomenal cook and an incredibly funny comedian, but he was an arrogant little bastard the rest of the time. Lord Psycho was usually the only one who could keep him in line, but lately EM had started gaining control over him as well. The woman was actually quite proud of EM for berating Maxu just as she would have.

"I wasn't 'screwing around', I was visiting the people I haven't seen in almost a year." Maxu replied, starting to lose his temper, which was too easy for him to do; another negative aspect of the young man. "If you had friends from your childhood that you no longer live remotely near to, you'd want to pay them a visit once in a while too. That is, if you wanted them to stay your friends."

"Well, whatever you were doing doesn't matter. The point is we didn't know where the hell you were, so don't do it again, 'kay?" Lord Psycho said almost nonchalantly before EM could start again. "The reason I needed you here was because a bag of my Oreos has gone missing. Evil Minion was watching them and the moment he took his eyes off them they were gone. Sakura didn't do it, Edgar doesn't eat anything, Schlange hates Oreos, and I obviously would've known if Evil Minion was lying about losing them and ate them himself."

"I don't even like Oreos…" EM murmured.

"I haven't seen 'em. Didn't eat 'em either. Sorry I can't help." Maxu said, more respectfully. "Like I said, I've been in L.A. for the past 3 days."

"You could've apparated like you did just a minute ago." His master pointed out as she threw a glance to EM.

"I didn't hear anything before or after they disappeared." EM admitted. "And you can't apparate silently."

"See? Told you I was innocent." Maxu said confidently.

"Well, congratulations, but I still want to know what happened to my Oreos." Lord Psycho said. She was no longer angry, just very confused and very curious. How could they have vanished by themselves? "Anyone have any ideas?"

The underlings looked at each other, shrugged and said almost in unison, "Nope."

Their master sighed. "I wonder if Schlange knows anything about this…" Just as she was about to ask someone to go find him, a loud, steady wing beat was heard, and it was approaching the 'throne room'. Sakura was immediately startled, and Maxu looked puzzled. EM didn't seem to have changed emotions, and Lord Psycho was still perfectly calm. When the noise was directly above them, the Dragon-Hatch's lock clicked open and the heavy metal plate slid away. A long, slender dragon head appeared, followed by an even longer serpentine neck. The dragon's scales were a dark metallic-y gray, and it had burning red eyes. Two curved ram-like horns sprouted from the back of its skull, and they were silvery, like the claws that appeared next around the opening of the Hatch. A red crest of feathery fur trailed from the crown of its skull down its neck and back to the tip of its tail outside. The neck was vertical, and the head was bent looking around like an upside-down periscope. The eyes scanned the room until they spotted Lord Psycho.

"Am I missing something?" the dragon asked in perfect English.

"Actually, Schlange, I was just going to send someone to look for you." Lord Psycho replied to her favorite dragon. "Would you happen to know what happened to a bag of Oreos I've been munching on? It's gone missing, and no one here knows anything about it."

EM felt a wave of relief that his master was no longer pointing out that it was his fault they'd been lost. He hated it when he made her mad because she was exceptionally mean when she was unhappy. Normally, she was actually quite pleasant to be around, despite her eccentric behavior.

Schlange looked thoughtful for a moment, then said, "Not that I recall. And my memory's better than all of yours combined." He motioned with a nod of his head to all the humans in the room. Maxu rolled his eyes; he hated it when the dragon acted like he was better than them. If he had ever told anyone about those feelings, he would've received a reply to the effect of "you should talk" or "why don't you go look in a mirror."

"Hmm. This is frustrating." The woman muttered, slouching into her throne more. "If it wasn't anyone here then it must have been someone else…an outsider…"

"But the alarm system would've let us know if someone got in." EM said, starting to worry. "Do you think there's something wrong with it? Or, someone disabled it?"

"Who in the world would go through all the trouble of disabling an alarm system for a bag of Oreos!" Sakura blurted.

"If it was an enemy spy and they managed to get in, they might have taken something small like my Oreos to taunt us because they managed to infiltrate our base." Lord Psycho said grimly. "Or to say, 'that was too easy, improve your security.'" She looked very aggravated now.

"…Maybe they were just hungry." Maxu suggested.

"Doubtful, but still a possibility." EM admitted before sighing and leaning against the red marble of the wall. Lord Psycho called in Edgar once again, and this time he seemed to be less irritable.

"Check all the alarm systems. I want to make sure someone didn't break in here, even if it was just for some Oreos." Lord Psycho instructed him. He gave an affirmative and started floating away, but halted when a voice resonated throughout the room.

"Never mind that, Edgar. Not necessary at all." The voice said in amusement. "That's enough for today, I think."

As soon as the voice stopped, they heard footsteps approaching the throne area from an undisturbed corner. Tension hung in the air like a fog. Obviously, someone had made it into the citadel unnoticed. The disembodied voice was garbled by the echoes that bounced off the marble floor and walls, but something about it was recognizable by everyone there.

"Show yourself." Lord Psycho demanded in a tone that no one in their right mind would disobey.

Surprisingly, the voice laughed. "All right, all right…" it said as if it was giving up something it found rather fun. "I'll stop toying with you for now." At that, a spot about halfway up the steps to Lord Psycho's throne turned sort of wavy for a moment as the owner of the voice took off an invisibility cloak. Underneath it was a man. He was barely taller than Lord Psycho, had dark, dirty blonde hair and reddish-brown eyes, and was wearing dark green robes underneath a black hooded cloak. He held the invisibility cloak in one black-gloved hand, while the other began to reach inside his robes for something.

At the sight of him, all tension left the room, and Lord Psycho let out a long, relieved sigh. "Don't do that again, eh, Alex?" she said in exasperation.

Alexander Lazarra had known Lord Psycho and her minions for a few years, so they all trusted him pretty well, or at least acted like they did. Alex and Lord Psycho had met in a wizard bar when he had started hitting on her because she appeared to be alone, although EM had been sitting right next to her. He thought she was quite attractive. They got along well, but since Lord Psycho was good at hiding her feelings about things, the two only became "business partners" because they both were interested in the Dark Arts. Although she offered, Alex had no interest in becoming a minion himself, but that was only because he couldn't devote all of his time to her mission. That was simply because he had two young nephews and an even younger niece to take care of since Voldemort's Death Eaters killed their parents.

"Fine, have it your way." He said before removing a small parcel from his robes. "Looking for these?" It was the Oreos.

"Alright, wiseass, give 'em!" Lord Psycho said irritably, but with a smile on her face. Alex walked up the remaining steps and handed the package over gently. Lord Psycho immediately started munching on its contents. After she satisfied a portion of her craving, she asked nonchalantly, "So, my dear Alex, what brings you here other than to torment me?"

"Oh, nothing in particular. Just dropping by, playing a trick on you for spite…" the man replied good-humoredly as he leaned against the wall casually. EM kept his glare as hidden as he could.

"You mean taunting me because I can't monitor your entering at will?" Lord Psycho smirked. "I'm still baffled that you can do it without triggering the alarm system."

"Well, you know me…" Alex replied, stretching his arms over his head. "I'm a sneaky fellow." EM snorted in disapproval. The intruding man looked at him blankly. "Something the matter, Evil?"

"No." he answered curtly.

"Oh, come now, I thought we'd agreed to get along better after that dreadful incident in April!" Alex said, taking a few steps towards EM, who was still glowering at him.

"Funny that that "dreadful incident" was entirely your fault," EM mused, turning a bit away from Alex. EM's dislike for the man was quite clear. "And it very nearly cost us quite a bit in damage repairs, not to mention you endangering the lives of Lord Psycho's prized dragons."

"But isn't it even funnier that you were the one who encouraged that I do it?" Alex shot back, an edge appearing in his voice. "And I quote, 'Of course Osiris is perfectly safe to ride. No, he'd be perfectly happy to let you try to do that kind of stunt with him. Oh, don't worry a thing about that; they're just saying he can only be ridden by Lord Psycho herself. He's actually quite tame.' HA! I'll admit to doing some stupid things and underestimating Osiris' attitude problem, and my inability to control him, but at least I'm not a damned liar."

EM was staring at Alex icily. His body had gone rigid. Lord Psycho hadn't stepped in because as far as she was concerned, it was between just the two of them, unless they were going to start another fight. She knew they hated each other passionately. She wasn't exactly sure why, but she had a sinking feeling that it involved her as well. Lord Psycho only hoped that she wasn't part of some horrid Love Triangle. Evil Minion was her right-hand-man, and one of her closest friends. Alex Lazarra was her bridge to the outside world when she couldn't be there herself, and another of her closest friends. She valued both of them for what they were worth to her, but she certainly didn't have feelings for either of them. At least not those kind of feelings. But she often wondered what they thought about her when she wasn't there to use her Legilimency on them…

EM began his reply slowly and very clearly, in a positively venomous voice. "Which one is more foolish; the fool who tells the lie, or the fool who believes it?"

Alex suddenly started towards EM as both drew their wands. Before Sakura or Maxu, who had both been watching from a safe distance, knew what was going on, Lord Psycho was standing between the two men, holding them apart with her abnormally powerful arms. With a sudden thrust of her arms in either of their directions, she knocked both to the floor. She glared down at both of them, her fiery eyes burning.

"I thought I was very clear the last time this happened…" she began, her voice a low snarl. "…that if the two of you start World War III on my property, in my presence, you will pay dearly." Neither made any response while they raised themselves up and backed off. They knew much better than to mess with Lord Psycho; she could beat the ever-loving shit out of anyone. "I know you dislike each other immensely. I won't force you to act like you don't. But…" Lord Psycho paused to return to her seat, "…if either of you starts this nonsense again I won't be so calm about it. If you really insist on fighting, do it somewhere else because I don't want to see it."

All eyes were on this woman. She was so strange to them. Not one of them understood her. No one bothered trying. She could do so much, yet she actually did so little. Possessing so much power, but never showing it off. Being so intelligent but never acting like it unless it was necessary. That was just it though: unless it was necessary. She could be anything in the world, do anything she needed to do, but only if it was necessary. What was her purpose anyway? What was she trying to achieve? Lord Psycho's minions often found themselves asking this question repeatedly in the same day, but they never got any answers.

Alex and EM apologized honestly, and Lord Psycho forgave them while rubbing her temples and frowning.

"Headache, my Lord?" Edgar asked with a small grin as he floated in through the wall.

Lord Psycho groaned in reply. "Merlin, it's like having children…" Alex slumped against a wall, staring at his gloved fingers while EM returned to his 'post' at his master's side. He didn't look at her, though. He always felt wretched after he pissed her off. Not only because of his loyalty to her, but because he hated seeing her unhappy, which she so often was without him causing trouble. Alex felt the same way, except he had no loyalty issues because he was simply a "business associate."

"Could I interest you in a Bloody Mary, my Lord?" Edgar asked rather pleasantly, giving his master a significant look.

Lord Psycho stared at him for a moment, then gave a little sigh and said, "Indeed you could, Edgar, with all due speed."

As Lord Psycho opened her mouth to start her next sentence, a booming cough echoed through the chamber from above. Everyone looked up through the open Dragon Hatch to see a very irritated dragon glaring back. "Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Schlange. Do you have good news to report?" his master asked kindly.

"Well, I have news, but it certainly isn't what you would classify as 'good.'" The creature answered, shifting its weight a bit. "Nevertheless, it's very important, and I should like to give you all a briefing in the theater. I'm much more comfortable out there than in here. It's too small."

"Of course. We'll be there shortly." Lord Psycho said as she rose from her seat. As Schlange flew off, Lord Psycho added to the humans, "Well, you heard him. Off to the theater with you."

Maxu started wandering towards the nearest exit, but Sakura hesitated, staring up at her master anxiously. Lord Psycho did a claming inhale-exhale exercise before asking, "What is it, Sakura?"

"W-well, I was just wondering, um…" she began shakily. "…Well…we usually don't go to the briefings…all of us, I mean…and, um…well, why are we all going to this one?" She was watching her words and her tone to make sure she didn't set her master off again.

"Schlange said it was very important, and he said he'd like to report to all of us, so unless you've got something more important already planned, I suggest you make your way to the theater as soon as possible." Lord Psycho replied with a flash of a smile at the end to add sarcasm.

"Oh, um, okay, I was…just making sure...um…" the teenager said weakly. "…so…yeah…" She scurried off after Maxu as Alex began to approach Lord Psycho.

"Well, I guess I'll be off, then. No need for me to go to a meeting I'm not involved in." he said, chuckling.

"Nonsense!" Lord Psycho exclaimed jovially, to EM's dismay. "I have a few things I would like to talk to you about, so there's no sense in you leaving now and coming back within the hour. Besides, with all luck Schlange will have something to say that interests you. I'm hoping he mentions some of the things I need to discuss with you, but I shouldn't expect my day to turn out that well, should I?" Alex fell into step with her as Lord Psycho made her way to the door, laughing good-humoredly. EM trudged along bitterly a few paces behind.

"Ah! Curse my memory!" Lord Psycho suddenly snapped as she came to the door. "I forgot my Oreos!"

"Oh, I can get those for-" Alex started before the woman cut him off verbally and physically as she suddenly stepped in his way.

"You certainly can not! I don't need you making off with them again. I'm rather famished, you know." She said matter-of-factly. "You go on to the theater. Tell Schlange I'll be along in a minute."

As Lord Psycho whipped around to retrieve her cookies EM took a tentative step towards the door. "Do me a favor and wait for me, will you, Evil Minion?" The man came to a halt and wondered if he was going to be berated again. But for what, he didn't know.

"I know I've already asked you several times before," she started from across the room. "…but I would really, really love to get a complete, straight, truthful answer for a change. Yours and Mr. Lazarra's fighting happened to spark my memory."

"Here we go again…" EM murmured, rolling his eyes.

"What exactly is the problem between the two of you, from your point of view?"

EM sighed heavily. "As I've said time and time again, we simply do not get along at all. We disagree on too many levels, we have conflicting interests, lack of trust between us, so on and so forth. I was certain you understood my point the last time you asked me that question."

"Oh, no, I understood you. I still understand you. My point is that that's not the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you god…or whoever you believe in."

"Then why don't you just use your Legilimency on me so you don't have to keep asking me? It would be a whole lot easier on both of us."

"Because, Evil Minion, I respect you. I don't use my powers on people I respect unless it I feel it is necessary. And, in this case, I would rather you told me of your own free will." Lord Psycho paused to let that sink in. "Understand now?"

"…yes." EM replied quietly. "But I still don't have anything to add to my answer."

His master sighed impatiently. "Hopeless case…" she muttered as she made her way out the door, EM following a step behind out of respect, smiling.

----------------------------------------------------------

A dragon roared somewhere outside the Citadel.

"Will you knock it off, you great brute!"

"Oh, please, don't make him mad!"

"You said she'd be here momentarily!"

"Yes, and she will! Just be patient!"

"How should you know, you filthy human?"

"She told me so herself, fool!"

"Who're you calling a filthy human, you filthy dragon?"

"You stay out of this, you stupid American!"

"All of you stop yelling, I'm getting a headache!"

"What'd you call me?"

"SILENCE!"

…And there was, because absolutely no one disobeys Lord Psycho when she yells.

As the master stood at the top row of seats of her outdoor theater, she looked down upon an unpleasant sight. Schlange and Alex were about to go at each other's throats. Maxu looked like he'd very much like to kill Schlange as well. Sakura was curled up on a seat with her arms wrapped around her head as if she had a splitting headache. Lord Psycho looked as if she were about to have a conniption. EM was simply confused,

"First of all," Lord Psycho boomed. "I don't want to know whom or what started this, and neither do I care, but I want everyone involved to get one thing perfectly clear: It's ending now. Got it!"

"Yes, Lord Psycho." They responded submissively.

"'Yes, Lord Psycho'. indeed…" EM mused quietly to his master, making her chuckle a bit. The pair walked down the dark stone steps, passing rows upon rows of wooden seats with red velvet cushions, down to the round stone 'stage,' cut out straight from the mountain. There was nothing above but open sky because the dragons often had to use the theater as well as the humans. The only slight disadvantage to the lack of a roof was when there was rain, snow, or high winds, Lord Psycho would have to conjure up a temporary barrier to protect her property. On the plus side, it made for an excellent concert hall because the sound carried well into the stadium seating and all throughout the valley.

"Honestly…" Lord Psycho grumbled as she approached the group lingering around the stage area. "You all give me more gray hair than Voldemort."

Sakura flinched and Maxu's eye twitched. Alex glanced at the mountains to his right and shuffled his feet. Schlange growled out of habit. EM remained silent and motionless at his master's side. Lord Psycho often talked about the "so-called Dark Lord," as she put it, quite casually despite the fact that everyone else hated hearing even his name. She somehow didn't seem to realize why people winced when they heard "Voldemort," but she knew an awful lot about him. He seemed to be her main interest next to domination of the Magical World, probably because that appeared to be Voldemort's goal as well.

"As a matter of fact, my Lord," the dragon began a little unsteadily, "that's who I'm reporting about."

His master's eyes flashed. "Really?" she asked with her excitement carefully hidden under her calm tone. "Well, then, I'd like to start as soon as possible." Lord Psycho quickly seated herself front-row-center before her minions and Alex followed suit, sitting around her. Edgar drifted in a moment later with Lord Psycho's Bloody Mary, which she promptly downed in a matter of seconds. Schlange stepped up onto the stage, scales glittering in the sunlight. He turned to face his master directly and seated himself on his haunches with surprising dignity. Schlange inhaled deeply, and began.

"As you are all well aware of, around this time last year, the Dark Lord Voldemort" – more shuddering – "was said to have been 'resurrected' by means of very dark magic. The currently living Death Eaters were said to have been present and involved in the 'resurrection'. However, none of this could be confirmed as the only non-Death Eater witness was a 14-year-old boy named Harry Potter. Potter was at the end of his 4th year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry at the time of this incident. This took place on the same night that the last part of the Triwizard Tournament – the hedge maze - was being held on Hogwarts grounds. Potter was participating in this, and reached the end of the maze at the same time as another Hogwarts representative in the competition, Cedric Diggory. Potter said that he and Diggory agreed to touch the trophy at the same time and therefore claim it for Hogwarts as a school, not just themselves. According to Potter's account, he and Diggory were then transported to a graveyard, as the trophy appeared to be a disguised portkey. It was at this graveyard where Potter claimed to have witnessed the resurrection of the Dark Lord, and the death of Diggory.

"No more clear information about the events at the graveyard could be obtained from Potter, but it is a fact that Cedric Diggory was killed that night, although no one can be sure if it was the Dark Lord's doing as Potter claims it was. However, it has been confirmed that Potter's wand was not used to kill Diggory. It was also confirmed soon after Potter returned to Hogwarts' grounds with Diggory's body that one Bartemius Crouch, Junior, was responsible for the trophy-turned-portkey. He used polyjuice potion to impersonate the newly-hired Defense Against the Dark Arts professor at Hogwarts, former Auror Alastor "Mad-Eye" Moody, for the entire school year. Hogwarts' Potions Master, Severus Snape, provided the Veritaserum used on Crouch to discover this. Crouch has been positively identified as a Death Eater and sent to Azkaban, and the real Alastor Moody was recovered from an enchanted trunk is Crouch's possession. He was unharmed, but very confused and irritated.

"As of recent happenings, it was confirmed that Potter's story about the graveyard was entirely true. Lord Voldemort is indeed alive and well. He and his Death Eaters stormed the Ministry of Magic 5 days ago in an attempt to recover an unknown object from the Department of Mysteries. The Minister would not give details about the object, I suppose for fear of another security breach. Potter was present, accompanied by several of his fellow students, and their Headmaster, Albus Dumbledore. Others present were members of the secret Order of the Phoenix, which I only discovered through threats and intimidation…" – Lord Psycho chuckled – "A few people were killed, but I confirmed them as unimportant to our cause, so I didn't record their names. It seems that the Dark Lord failed to obtain what he sought and he and his Death Eaters escaped the Ministry without a scratch. The many witnesses confirmed this account, so there is no doubt to the validity of this incident. The location of the Dark Lord and his followers is unknown as of this time."

Schlange seemed to signal the end of his report. No one made a sound for a long time.

Lord Psycho spoke first, quietly and solemnly. "It seems our worst fears have been confirmed… This will definitely bring our other actions to a screeching halt." She paused to think a moment, then rose to her feet and began pacing back and forth in front of the stage. "We'll need to do something about this as soon as possible." She said simply. Lord Psycho suddenly stopped and turned to Schlange. "Does Mr. Potter still attend Hogwarts?"

'Yes," the dragon replied. "He's at the end of his 5th year, I believe. Why?"

"Hmm… Do any of the known Death Eaters have children?" she asked again.

Schlange thought for a moment. "Some do, but most do not."

"Do you have any names for me?"

"Malfoy is one I know off the top of my head…I would have to check the others to be certain."

"And how old is Malfoy's son or daughter?"

"His son, Draco, is… I think he's the same age as Harry Potter, actually,"

"And does Draco Malfoy attend Hogwarts?"

"…I think I know what you're getting at, my Lord, and you are brilliant!"

"Does he or does he not, Schlange?"

"He does, master…And he's in Slytherin."

"…I believe I've developed a rather ingenious plan to spy on dear old Voldemort…And I think I'll enjoy it quite well…"

Lord Psycho's laugh echoed into the valley from the theater and carried across the land to a certain Dark Lord, who suddenly felt an unusual chill.

--- to be continued in Chapter 2 – The New Girl ---


Disclaimer: Own not, profit not, sue not. Except that doesn't apply to Lord Psycho, Evil Minion, Sakura, Maxu, Edgar or Schlange. They're mine.

A/N: ...so, how was it? Not too bad, I hope. I tried to make this one funny to get your interest, and since you're reading this I guess it worked. HA HA HA. ...ahem. Anyway, you're probably confused too, but all I can say to that is get used to it because you're gonna be confused for a LONG time. This is one of those fics that has all this stuff happening and all this dialogue that you can't make sense out of because you don't really know what they're talking about, but hey, once I decide to tell you what the hell was going on, you're gonna have one of those moments of enlightenment and it's gonna be awesome. Trust me.

Also, the next chapter and all those that followare/will bemuch more HP-related than this one, where they just talk about HP-related crap but don't get to interact with any characters, like in the next chapter, which is always fun. So look forward to it while you finish reading this until you click the little button at the bottom of the screen that sends you to the next chapter. :D

Why it's Lord Psycho: (kudos to ParadoxofInfinity) As ParadoxofInfinity pointed out, females are usually called "Lady"or "Mistress." But since Lord Psycho has a sort of rivalry with Voldemort, and he's called Lord Voldemort/the Dark Lord, she figures she ought to be given the same title since she sees herself just as powerful and fear-worthy as him. That and the whole gender thing, like how"Lord So-and-So" sounds more impressive than "Lady So-and-So." Also partially because it's Overlord instead of Overlady. Overlady just sounds silly. Mistress is right out because of, once again, the gender thing, and "Mistress" can translate to "lover-or-something-like-that," depending on who you ask. And Lord Psycho doesn't have that kind of relationship with anyone.

...all that and she doesn't seem terribly ladylike anyway. Hopefully that explains it well enough. -bow-

Final Words: Please shower me in reviews. They really make my day - honest and no kidding, people.

Thanks for reading and have a nice day!

--- kavi-sama ---