Disclaimer: The characters, settings and most of the lines are not mine. If they were I'd be rich and doing something better with my time, or not! And unlike Ross with Jurassic Park, I'm not the one who came up with the idea for the show. I'm just a fan with an overactive imagination.

A/N: So I wrote this fiction because I needed a break from the novel I'm writing to see if I could get some inspiration. And please before you continue, take notice that I'm Brazilian and therefore I'm not a native English speaker, I'm not great wiz at English grammar either, and this has not been beta or proof read! I'm not saying this is not worth read, I'm just saying I did my best, which doesn't make it perfect.

Now, about the story it's a R&R set during London. It's an insight into Rachel's feeling. I'm not sure if I'll give this story another chapter, even though I intend to. So there are no cliffhangers, if it ends here, you'll know what comes next.

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The one with or without you

She was going to do this. Rachel thought as the taxi rode through the streets of London. This was crazy, yes, but crazy had worked out for her before hadn't it? She'd ran out on her wedding in the pouring rain dragging along a very wet and heavy wedding dress to meet up with a friend she hadn't seen since graduating from college.

She cut strings with her family because she dared to make it on her own. And just why had she done that? Because she was tired of living like a princess, she strived for more. Perfection was boring, the easy life was boring. And in her whole life the only time she had actually felt complete was when she was friends with Monica back on high school.

Sweet and naïve old Monica! The girl who used to be afraid to give a guy her "flower" for the first time. The fat little girl who everybody teased. Only she hadn't expected to find a more mature Monica along with all her mature friends willing to give her a hand and help her grow up. Really grow up. They all had jobs and lives, and she had daddy, and Barry and clothes. Lots of them.

After college Monica moved out to the city to become a great chef, and Rachel came back home to a life of shallowness. How could she have been so shallow for so many years she will never know. She hadn't had any goals in life and when she became engaged to Barry another part of her mediocre life seemed to be falling into place.

Then she ran into Monica one day in an outing with her friends, at some pub, Monica and that weird guy who'd called her fat, a friend of her brother's. She even fantasized about jumping into an affair with him and give her life some meaning. Because that was where those romance novels she so frantically read always lead to. Some dark encounter with a mysterious attractive man. But she hadn't got the nerve to go through with it.

And thank God she hadn't since he had come to became one of her closest friends as well. Not that she really liked that annoying sense of humor of his. Anyway, since running into Monica that day she had all this doubts about her life and whether or not she was really happy. And when the day had come to say "I do" to Barry she had freaked out and ran out on him. Thank God she had done it, she later discovered he was a great jerk and really lousy lover for that matter.

But no one would have supported her decision. Her mother would be mortified for sure, and her father would never approve, her sisters would think she was crazy and her friends would probably cut her of their social ties. She had nowhere to go, so she went for the only person who she thought would give her no prejudice. It hadn't occurred to her that she and Monica had two completely different lives and that Monica might still not be the same person she was back when they were friends.

And as if by some miracle Monica took her in. She wasn't thinking straight that day, she had done something huge, and she did not know where to go from there. And Monica's friends were so crazy they mirrored how she felt inside. They were watching a Spanish soap for Christ sake, and Phoebe was doing a very bizarre impersonation of Julie Andrews.

"Raindrops on roses and rabbits and kittens, bluebells and sleighbells and- something with mittens…"

Phoebe's voice came to her mind unbidden. There was no way in hell she would ever forgets Phoebe's singing. Rachel shook her head laughing at the sound in her head.

But they all became her friends in the end, always there for her, especially Monica. They helped her get rid of her credit cards, helped her get through her addiction to shopping, they were also there when she begun working as waitress, mostly because she worked at their favorite place, which became hers too. Then they helped her pursue her dream to work with fashion, they supported her through her parents' divorce. They were all great to her. She loved them so much, especially Ross.

Well, Ross was Ross, to put it in his own words he was Monica's geek older brother. Who had had a major crush on her since forever. He asked her if he could ask her out, and then he'd done nothing. And she had flirted, she had encouraged, she had even kissed him, and still he'd done nothing, so she lost any interest in any kind of a love relationship with him. Until, that is, the day Chandler confessed that Ross had been in love with her all along.

The nerve he had to love her in secrecy and do nothing about it! At least she knew he did have feelings for her indeed. And she decided to fight for them. But he'd come back from China with a new girlfriend. The nerve he had to give her an expensive piece of jewelry and then go and rub a new girlfriend at her face. Well it didn't matter she had searched for closure to get over him. And that was when he had the nerve to write down a list. God he thought she was spoiled and ditzy, he thought she was full of herself and worst of all, he thought of her as just a waitress.

Hadn't he been there when she struggled to get up on her own two feet, without the help of her father? Hadn't he seen her paying her own bills and living a life that she desired? Weren't he proud of her for that? No, he thought she was just some waitress!

A single tear rolled out of her eyes as the memories flooded her system. She was beginning to have second thoughts about going through with her plan. She had thought about it million of times and always had come to the same conclusion. That Ross wasn't worth the trouble. He was always whiny and he was the one full of himself.

Mister dinosaur geek, mister we-were-on-a-break! God! She was so stupid! She was falling for him all over again. She was just one more of his failure relationships who he blamed her entirely. Carol was the lesbian one, Rachel was the ditzy one!

He had whined about Mark, and his intentions about her. Mark had a girlfriend, but it didn't matter to him. And just when she had become about full with his complains and she suggested they took a break, he didn't even wait one day to go on and sleep around. And the nerve he had had to suggest they were on a break! 'WE WERE ON A BREAK' his voice echoed on her mind over and over and over again. Maybe one day she will have the never yell back at him 'WE WERE ON A BREAK, NOT OVER'!

"Damm you, Ross!" Rachel whispered into the silence.

"I beg your pardon?" The taxi driver enquired.

"Sorry, I was thinking aloud."

It was quiet again, people in England were too weird, but at least taxi drives actually spoke English here. Her mind wondered back to thoughts of Ross. Apart from all the bad stuffs about Ross, he was so sweet and caring. There was something about him that seemed to calm her, it made her feel secure. Ross felt like home to her.

Since they broke up they had come back-again, then off-again. It was just too hard to accept they were over. She truly loved him. And if he even suggested they get back together they might have been back right now. But he didn't, maybe he was just as prideful as she was to suggest that. Or maybe he had moved on already and she hadn't.

She asked again if she was doing the right thing, coming all the way here just to tell him that she loved him. That if he loved her still then they should get back together. Is he worth another try?

"Miss, here we are." The taxi driver said and Rachel shoved some money into his hands, she got her bag and begun with a start. She was going to do this.

She walked through the front door in a rush, it was time, no looking back now, she was going to tell Ross she loved him, and if he loved her back, she would take him back.

She stopped dead cold when she saw him and Emily kissing.

And it hit her.

'What am I doing?' She asked herself tears wheeling up on her eyes.

She was ruining the one day that was supposed to be so special for him. 'Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!' She screamed on the inside. 'I AM full of myself, how come I never thought about his feelings before? I can't do this I can't ruin this for him! It's not fair. GET OUT!' She demanded, but still she stood put, what was wrong with her?

Then he saw her, he was looking at her and he had that tender smile on his face. She couldn't help but smile back.

"My God. Rachel!" He said and his voice alone made her heart race. Then he kissed her on the cheek and she wass helpless. "You're here, I can't believe it." She started to giggle, as if she was a kid caught with her hands in the cookie jar. "What happened? Why are you here?"

Her throat felt dry, what was she supposed to say?

"Well, I just came…" She touched him near his heart and the comfort she felt ther was so amazing it overwhelmed her. She wanted outburst in tears and be held in those secure arms of his, why couldn't he see that? "I just needed to tell you…" Those three words almost slipped out of her tongue. But she couldn't it wasn't fair! "Congratulations!" She finally said it and he took her in his arms. It would have been so easy to just let go and cry her heart out right there. But she couldn't!

Sometime later she was sitting down watching each one of her friends, apart from Phoebe, walking down the aisle. Ross was looking goofy. Joey was being Joey. Monica and Chandler were acting really weird. So, yes, nothing had changed. Just the aching pain inside her heart Rachel had fought not to acknowledge. Then everyone turned to the tune of Here Comes the Bride. Everything was ordinary, just an ordinary wedding. Emily finished saying her vows and it was Ross's turn.

"I Ross…" Ross repeated.

"Take thee Emily…" The minister commended.

"Take thee Rachel…" The whole room seemed to be in silence, loud gasps were heard, and Rachel felt all eyes on her.

She didn't even dare looking at Monica's direction. She'd know she'd find disapproval there. As if Ross's mild mistake was her fault entirely. Mild mistake? There was nothing mild about that! Some guys choose a moment of passion to slip the wrong name. Ross chose his wedding day. What was he thinking?!

"Emily…" Ross corrected himself, finally, maybe there's still hope. "Emily!" He repeated.

"Shall I go on?" The minister asked awkwardly not sure how to handle the situation.

Suddenly she was very aware of how much infuriated Emily seemed to be. But wait, Ross had said her name. Her name, he still loved her!

"He… He…" Rachel stuttered. "… said Rachel, right?" 'I'm not dreaming right?' she asked the woman beside her. "Do you think I should go up there?" 'And maybe, I don't know, take Emily's place?'

"Yes, yes, do go on!" Emily answered and Rachel got mad for her being such a bloddy cold fish. He had said another woman's name, how dare she still agreed to marry him? That cold bitch!

The minister started again and declared them husband and wife. It was that moment that Emily chose to storm out. She couldn't have been so kind as to do it before they were lawfully wedded?! The rest of the evening they spent looking for Emily, who apparently had ran out on Ross. This was almost ironic, she'd done the same only five years ago.

After no results Rachel finally called it a night and retrieved to her room. She turned up the radio as she entered and the familiar melody started filling up the silence.

See the stone set in your eyes

See the thorn twist in your side

I wait for you

Rachel lied down on her bed, her eyes fixed on the lamp on the nightstand. It was a good thing that Monica wasn't there, this way she could wallow on her misery as well as she pleased.

Sleight of hand and twist of fate

On a bed of nails she makes me wait

And I wait without you

This was their song, why was it playing on the radio now? Was this some sick joke? Was God playing with her for coming to London and ruining Ross's wedding? A large fat tear rolled down Rachel's cheek, and her nose started to tickle.

With or without you

With or without you

"Just what do you want me to do?" Rachel yelled at the darkness addressing to God. "Wait for him until we're old? Why do you just let me screw things up again and again?"

Through the storm we reach the shore

You gave it all but I want more

And I'm waiting for you

Rachel bit on her pillow to stop her sobbing. This was ridiculous. She was panicking like a coward, and was acting like a child. Yet, all she could think of was about going to find Ross and finish what she came here to do. But again, would it be right solution? Or was she better off without him? Was he better off without her? How could she make such a decision?!

With or without you

With or without you

I can't live

With or without you

She cried out, she couldn't live with him after he slept with another woman, and yet she couldn't live without him at all!

And you give yourself away

All thoughts of Ross started to flashback to her mind. She was sitting in front of him, the living room lit up only by candle lights. His sweet voice was foretelling great passion on her future, in that fateful night when New York had no power. What would he have said if Paolo's cat hadn't jumped into his back? Things might have been so different.

And you give yourself away

Now they were sitting down playing poker, the bets were getting higher and higher, and when she finally won she saw how happy he looked at the corner of her eyes. She could bet he had let her win.

And you give

She remembered the time she had that really hot and sexy dream about Ross, she remember how startled she felt to be woken up by the weight of his body against her. She was stunned with realization that night.

And you give

And then his beeper went off, spoiling the moment, only to announce that his son was going to be born and the look on his face was just to die for. He is so caring, such a good father.

And you give yourself away

The memory of his kisses in particular was too vivid not to be true. And she kept on crying because she knew she would probably never feel those lips again.

My hands are tied, my body bruised

She got me with

Nothing to win and

Nothing left to lose

No, there was nothing left for them, she was only kidding herself. She should have moved on already instead of waiting for an apology from him. And as hard as she might have tried, it wasn't good enough. She was sabotaging her own chances for happiness.

And you give yourself away

Making love with Ross for the first time at the planetarium was great. She had blamed him for cheating on her when she should blame herself for letting go of control in the first place. She should never have suggested that they took a break. They were perfect for each other. Simply perfect!

And you give yourself away

After all these years she could still feel his lips on her, all over her body. He was conscious of her as she was of him.

And you give

No one would probably love her.

And you give

The way Ross did.

Rachel got up and turned off the radio, she couldn't listen to it anymore. Oh, God! Tomorrow she would have to face Ross all over again. She couldn't be having these kind of thoughts, she needed to move on already. Maybe a long calming shower would do the job.

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Ok, the first part is up, so let me know what you think. Please review. If you would like to be my proof reader send me a message, I'm really looking for on in case I continue with this story.