Pain is like fire. It burns, it rages, and it hurts.

It depends on the type of pain however. The few that come to mind include physical pain, mental pain, emotional pain, spiritual pain.

The pain I've been feeling recently, is a horrible mixture of physical and emotional pain called heartbreak. Many would say, "How is an emotional pain physical in any way?" Though it may not seem like it, when a person feels such extreme longing and loss for someone else the brain tells the body that it is in pain. Physical pain is felt, although the pain is all mental. I know that rationally of course, and yet no matter how much i rationalize and use logic; I simply need to do what I should have been doing from the start, and what everything in my being told me to do: Listen to what my instinct and what my heart feels is right.

Four years. Four years I have stood by one person, the person I fell in love with and the person I would have done anything for. The person that I included in my life, in my plans, in my future; and the person I bent my future to suit and support. Alexandria, a beautiful name for a horrible, debilitating person. I was there when she wanted to kill herself, I was there to be her pillar; to bring her out of depression. When she could finally stand beside me, and be who she should have always been; instead of standing loyal, she ran. She ran so far that I couldn't follow.

I am no stranger to pain, to conflict, to strife. I've been through so much pain that the little things don't phase me in the slightest. I've chosen to love everything, like how the trees sway and how the air smells. Yet, the pain I feel is so unbearable. At first I felt numb, like it was a dream i would wake up from. Then I felt it. The empty, hollow, freezing hole that is heartbreak, like a knife flash frozen and driven through me a thousand times. I started to shake, i stood and paced, I didn't want to believe it. She cheated on me. Then came the heat, the rage. I wanted to break everything, and i did. I broke my fence, cut my knuckles as the wood cracked, huffed and puffed; because the only thing that felt good was filling the hole in my being with violence. Then it was a simmering heat, cooling down due to the frigid void that was the center of who i was. I was upset, at not only her and the one she betrayed me for, but at myself for not being able to stop it. I wasn't strong enough, I lulled myself in a state of complacency and normalcy; believing that all was well. I wasn't strong enough, and i failed.

People cope with pain in different ways. Depression, eating, drinking, partying, sexual flings, letting it out physically. I however did nothing. I shut down, I stopped moving. The feeling of slowing down to a churn, dying down to a single ember was hell. I scored higher on the adult ADHD scale than anyone I know. 26 is extreme, i scored 55. To suddenly lack motion, the constant thoughts and want and need to move; felt the same as death. I stopped eating, I lost a total of eleven pounds (Which im gaining back thankfully).

Now though. In this moment, i refuse to back down. I refuse to lay down like a degenerate bitch in the street. This pain is momentary, its weak! What can it do but talk shit and control me? NOTHING. Why should i empower it by wallowing in pain, when i can surround myself in my friends and family and repair what has been damaged. No, i refuse to give up and lay down; thats not what im about.

What is pain?

Worthless. Pain is absolutely nothing.