Dreamless Agony
By: Jen aka: Banance
November, 2000
I roll over restlessly, awaiting sleep to come over me. I hear
the faint murmur of the TV in the background. My mom must be watching the
news. I sigh, then cover my head with a pillow. I went to bed early to
sleep, not to lay here, wide wake in the dreamless agony of reality. I
wish I could sleep. I want to dream.
I want to dream about what would have happened if stupidity
hadn't taken over at that moment. If I hadn't let my actions get the best
of me. If I hadn't turned my back on you, would I be happy right now? Would
you? I want to know so much, but why?
I turned away so I didn't have to see your face-your eyes
die-when I said, 'I hate you.' It hurts me more than you. It hurts me to
hurt you. I love you, but I'm afraid… Afraid for you, afraid for me. What
will happen after I tell you, 'I love you.' What will happen?! Worst of
all, what will happen if I don't say it at all?
I hate you Daisuke. I hate you! I hate you!…I hate to hate you…
I can't hate you, but I have to. I can't love you… I'm sorry…
I wish I could tell you what I'm thinking- what I'm feeling-
But I'm trapped with my self, and I can't escape.
I'm in the dreamless agony of reality, and dreaming of you,
Daisuke. I didn't want to turn away… I wanted to hug you, to kiss you lips,
to just touch you at all.
I'm sorry, but I'll never be your Takeru. I'm so sorry.
Look, I'm crying! I guess I'll just cry myself to sleep. It's not
like I haven't before. I can't stop thinking about you, my Daisuke. If
you only
knew how sorry I was, and how much I love you. I always have, I
love you… Let me be your Takeru…
Can I still be yours? If I told you 'I love you,' would you
still except me? Would you still love me tomorrow, or will you become cold
and unloving because of me? Will you hate or will you love?
My eyes close, I've decided… Tomorrow… Tomorrow I'll tell
you. I'll tell you the message from my heart… Of the dreamless agony of
reality I spent on you.
~ END ~
