Regrets

Post 7x15,bombshells.

Disclaimer: House MD is owned by David Shore and Fox. I don't own it.

Okay so guys this is my first fanfic. So please forgive me if the characters are too ooc sometimes.

After Cuddy left, House glanced at the pills in his hands. It was just so easy to take them, to allow him to not feel any kind of pain. He had expected all along his relationship with Cuddy that sooner or later Cuddy would come to her senses and leave him for good. Almost a year back, right after the crane collapse she had just swooped in on time and saved him from taking the pills, from himself and what happened today was sheer irony. He wished she would come back and save him again like she had done end number of times. He remembered the magical words that she said to him, 'I love you'. But he suddenly remembered what she said after that, 'I wish I didn't',

All of a sudden it was crystal clear to him. Cuddy would never accept who he was no matter what he did even if she once told him that she didn't want him to change. Because if she didn't want him to change, she wouldn't leave him for taking vicodin,for trying to escape pain ,for just being himself. He realized that all along their relationship, Cuddy made him feel that he wasn't worthy of her. That he was inferior to her and she herself was superior in their relationship. Because she got to call the shots, she got to make decisions in their relationship. She never thought twice before punishing him at times when it was not even his fault. He was hurt when he almost got himself infected with small pox and could have well, died. But all she could think was about the lie he told her that too for professional reasons. She didn't even care on being happy about the fact that he didn't get infected by anything. It was like she was doing some kind of a favour on him by being with him. When both of them were supposed to be equals in their relationship. She expected him to fail all along. Because he did want to break up on the night of her award programme and he would have if it weren't for her. He knew what he was doing that night because no one could handle being drunk as well as he could. But Cuddy didn't allow him to breakup with her because she could not stand the thought of him breaking up with her. Today, he wanted to be with her so badly but he just could not because all he could think was that whoever or whatever he loved was always mercilessly taken away from him. He loved her with all his heart and she could die, this thought made him shudder. But still ,he brought himself to be with her even if it meant losing his difficultly earned soberity . Cudn't she see how difficult it was for him to be sober in spite of the constantly present pain gnawing at him. Why did Cuddy think that he didn't know the value of his soberity when HE had worked so hard to obtain and maintain it? He admits that he should have been there for her. But he is and has always been emotionally week. He often wondered if Cuddy had been the better person why wasn't she there for him when he was at Mayfield or when he strived to be better for her. What she did instead was jump into Lucas's arms and divulge his most private and vulnerable moment to him. He was quite sure that Cuddy expected him to be miserable, to go back on drugs. But he glanced back at the pills and decided that even if he loved Cuddy with all his heart and her soul He was not going to give her the satisfaction of watching himself destruct. He was not going to let her be satisfied and relieved about leaving him. No. He was going to be clean. This time not for Cuddy,not for anyone but for himself because he was done satisfying people. He would be himself and try to be clean to maintain his sanity. He didn't care anymore of what Cuddy thought about him. He loved her so if she wanted to forgive him he was okay with it if not then be it. He knew for a fact that he wasn't about to do something just to get back into Cuddy's good books.

As Cuddy said the only person he cared about is himself, so be it. He would be clean and healthy for himself; he was done self loathing he had moved on to self loving. Because unless he valued himself more, no one would. Sighing he flushed the pills into the toilet.

He knew it wouldn't be easy but it was well worth a try.

So how was it? Do you want me to continue? Please Read and Review.