I'm a fucking thinking cap

For God's sake, can't you see,

And you just woke me from my nap

A new bunch of retards, gee…

Well shut the fuck up Albus,

I don't give half a shit,

This is just what this cap does

Don't like it? Go fuck Flit.

Well gahdy gah come along,

And I'll sing my stupid song:

First there's pussy Hufflepuff,

A bin for the rejected stuff.

Then there's raving Ravenclaw,

Whose sucky rants are such a bore.

And there is also Gryffindor,

Who all the fans are vouching for.

And finally there's Slytherin,

They like to have sex with their kin.

Now place your head inside my hole

And then like fire we can go…

Well gal, you look just like a whore –

It's Cho Chang to Ravenclaw!

Ooh…Draco Malfoy, you lil' hottie

Stay longer and let's get naughty…

Fine then! Pull me off, you prick,

Go to Slytherin and suck Snape's dick

Luna Lovegood? What the shit?

I know! Ravenclaw, that's it!

Cedric Diggory, you smexy pussy

To Hufflepuff with all the wussies.

Ron Weasley, ya measly fuck,

You'll live in Gryffindor with luck.

Here we have a buck toothed Granger

A species highly endangered,

What the hell is with the features?

To Gryffindor with the creatures!

Here's Ginny Weasley, that slutty skank,

In Gryffindor she'll watch guys wank.

And a pair of rangas we have here

In Gryffindor they'll have each other up the rear

Long Asshole, piece of shit we'll ignore

I think you can go to Gryffindor.

And here's the bitch of Dumbledore

Where else to but Gryffindor?

Potter, I know you like Malfoy a bit,

But you're staying there and that is it!

Wait, what the fuck are you doing?

For abuse and neglect, I'll be sueing

I'm out of line? You're shitting me

Hey, Quirrell that turban looks sexy

Oh yes, what? I just drank some beer

'Twas Mr Dumbledore's I hear…

Gurgle, gurgle splutter, cough

Fuck that's it, I'm going off!