I was just walking along the port of Tortuga, minding my own business when a rather large ship docked. It had black sails and a crazy drunken captain. A lot of the crew disembarked to find themselves some prostitutes while others stole the rest of the rum.

The captain, I noticed, walked off the gangway and stumbled straight into the local pub. I had not noticed this pub before, because I was on the run. I was bored so I decided to follow him. I went over to his table in the corner and said "Hi".

"Helyoo" he said, "Yime Dack!"

He was obviously terribly drunk so I guided him back to his ship. Trouble was, he didn't want me to leave.

"NO!" he said, "You've done soooooo mooch! I moost let choo stah!"

I tried to leave but then he offered me some rum. How could I resist?

The next day I woke up with the crazy sailor dude looking down on me.

"Hello, love," he said, "Some night we had last night, huh?"

"WHAT?!?!?!?!" I shouted and I bolted upright to check how many items of clothing I was wearing. I was relieved to find that all were remaining but had rum stains down the front.

"No, not like that," he said, "I'm not a pervert..."

I smiled confusedly. I was confused.

"Hi, I'm Jack," he said, "Captain Jack Sparrow, and YOU are trespassing on my ship."

I stood up to stare him straight in the eye. I was too short so I resulted in staring at his beard.

"Listen you," I said, "You wouldn't let me leave this ship last night."

The crew went silent.

"And you are a pervert!" I added.

The first mate's eyes widened.

"We don't..." gulped the first mate, "like perverts on our ship, Jack."

"I'M NOT A GOD-DAMN PERVERT GIBBSY!" he shouted.

"Gibbsy? That sound perverted to me, Jack." he turned around, "what do you think lads?"

"YEAH!" shouted the rest of the crew, "MU-TI-NY! MU-TI-NY! MU-TI-NY!"

Jack turned towards me and gave me an evil glare.

"Thanks a bunch, kid." he snarled

"The name's Laura, K?" I said, "And you're very welcome."

30 seconds passed and we came across a rather handily placed desert island.

"Walk the plank, Jack." said the first mate.

Jack reluctantly took his own pistol with one shot and dragged his feet along the plank. And jumped. The crew cheered and stopped to watch him climb ashore. I cheered, alone.

"Right you're next!" said the first mate.

"ME? WHY ME?" I protested.

"Coz you're the only female aboard. It's bad luck, and some lads are..." he stopped in his tracks, "Just jump."

So I did. Well, dived actually - because I got the dolphin bronze swimming certificate when I was 4. When I dived, I jumped very high and nosedived straight into the plank and then slumped off into the water. It was probably from lack of practice. It was very difficult trying to get back to shore but I made it and was reunited with Jack.

"What are you doing here?" he said.

"I was mutinated as well." I grinned.

He watched his ship sail off into the distance. It was really boring.

"I've never been here before, where are we?" he said after several hours.

"Well, the sea is that way, and the trees are that way, so by process of elimination, I can safely say that we are on a beach." I replied.

He wasn't very happy with this answer. I could tell this because he shot me in the leg and walked off. After walking around the island three times, he got bored and tried to go through it. This would be difficult because there were a lot of trees.

I waited..

And waited...

And waited...

...until finally he came back with lots of scratches on his face. I found this amusing so he tried to shoot me in the other leg.

"Dammit! Only one shot!" he shouted.

I grinned and looked out to sea. I saw black sails on the horizon.

"LOOK!" I said, "BLACK SAILS!"

"The Pearl," he said.

"Nooooooo, sails."

"The ship is called the Pearl."

"But it's not a pearl."

"I didn't call it a pearl."

"Yes you did."

"No I didn't - I said THE Pearl!"

"But you can only see black sails - how are you so sure?"

This argument went on until the ship arrived.

Jack swam towards it and I used 2 sea turtles as a raft as I could not swim with a bullet in my leg. I followed closely behind.

He clambered up the rope and I decided to use the steps like normal people.

"Is this," he declared, "or is this not the Black Pearl?"

The chorus replied "YEAH!"

"Told ya!" he sneered.

"You said the Pearl. Not the Black Pearl." I queried.

Jack grabbed the pistol out of a crewman's trousers and shot my other leg.

The next thing, I was lying on the floor of Tortuga port with dirt stains on my shirt. (heh - that rhymes) I slowly sat upright to find that the bleeding on my legs had stopped - I felt nauseous so I lay unconscious on the floor for a while longer.

After regaining consciousness, I slowly sat up and looked around. It was around lunchtime because I was hungry and the sun was pretty high. I hobbled over to the pub and tried to look pathetic in the hope that someone would help me. In the hope that an elderly lady with a lot of time on her hands would feel awful and take me back to her mansion and feed me and cloth me and tend to my ever whim. But nobody did.

I waited for a while.

Then a couple of prostitutes staggered in my direction and stumbled over my feet. I cried in agony and then one looked down at me to see what all the fuss was about. I wish she hadn't.

"LAURA?!?!?!?" she screamed, "SO THIS IS WHERE YOU'VE BEEN HIDING!"

"M..m...m...mum?" I muttered.

"Ladies, I wish for you to leave," she addressed her prostitutional friends.

They ran away rather hurriedly muttering under their breath about how "dead" I was.

"I didn't mean to run away," I protested, "You forced me into it, with your night job."

"It puts food on the table doesn't it?" she said.

"Yours, maybe. Not mine!" I said.

Just then, Jack came over and tapped my mum on the back.

"Scarlet!" he said, "Lovely to see you!"

Mum glared at him and slapped him across the face.

"Your fault!" she said.

"What?" said Jack.

"Her!" she said.

"When?" he said.

"That night you didn't pay me enough! She's yours now!" she said and she stormed off.

This was an awkward situation. There was only one thing to say at a time like this.

"So you're my dad. Didn't see that one coming did you?"