I do not own Twilight or any of the characters. That's all SM's. I do, however, own the plot. That goes for the whole story. So without further ado...
Chapter 1
"We love life, not because we are used to living but because we are used to loving."-Friedrich Nietzshce
There are times in your life when you realize that this isn't all you want for yourself. They start off as just a stray thought, a momentary feeling of discontentment that fade away just as quickly as they appeared.
But over, time those moments become more and more frequent. Over time, those moments stretch out longer and longer. Over time, those moments blend into one another until you look around one day and realize you're simply not happy. Over time, you realize that there was so much you could have done to make your life better. Over time, it becomes all about what you should have done.
I should have apologized while I had the chance.
I should have kept in touch.
I should have taken life more seriously.
I shouldn't have been so selfish.
I should have done everything differently.
But there's nothing you can do about the past. However, you can change your future. The moment you realize that, you're already on your way to coming to a realization: Loving life isn't about what you should have done.
Loving life is about what you're doing now.
Because life only exists where there is love.
And when there is love...
*~*M.T.L*~*
"It'll be fun, I swear."
I snorted as I pulled my favorite pair of ripped dark-wash jeans and a silky royal blue halter top out of my closet. "Fun? Our ideas of fun are drastically different, Alice."
"There'll be lots of people. Lots of new people."
"Since when have I liked being around crowds of people that I don't know? You gotta do better than that."
She sucked her teeth and crossed her arms, watching me as I dropped my robe and began pulling my outfit on. She looked like an angry Tinkerbell and I bit back a laugh.
"You're no fun, Bella. This is a chance to get yourself out there and actually do something with yourself... like have sex. When's the last time you got laid? Your cooch is gonna shrivel and wither away. I bet there are already cobwebs down there. Big, gray, thick ones you find in stinky, dirty basements."
Ouch. But she had a point. It had been a while...try almost two years. I'd been in a spell dryer than the Sahara desert since the last epic douchebag in the line of douchebags that I'd dated. Still, I hate admitting when she's right.
"Maria is doing just fine without your comments, Alice," I snapped. "First of all, my basement isn't stinky or dirty. Second, not all of us are blessed with megahot boyfriends who give us regular orders of Screaming Orgasms."
Alice giggled at the mention of her long-time boyfriend Jasper, her hazel eyes gazing dreamily at some point in the distance- probably some obscenely graphic sex-filled cavern that I had no intention of entering. With her short black asymmetrical bob and delicate features, she looked like a slightly perverted, edgier version of the porcelain dolls my mom had bought me as a kid... That had ended up smashed when I tried to wrestle them with my G.I Joe action figures. Who knew they couldn't handle a good old DDT?
"You know I hate parties," I whined as I grabbed my favorite pair of black combat boots. And yet I was going anyway. To this stupid so-called party of the century Alice kept yakking on about. If she wasn't practically my sister, sometimes I swear...
"Whatever, Bella. Can't you wear some other shoes? What about those black high heels I bought you a couple of months ago..." she trailed off as she began walking toward my closet and I swiftly stuck my foot out, making her trip and stumble over it. She whipped her head around and glared at me as she straightened up.
"Better not bend over too far in that dress or everyone will know that hot pink thong is your favorite color," I snickered, and she rolled her eyes, pulling on the hem of her bright yellow minidress as she stomped over toward me.
"Forget it," she said, reaching out and moving her fingers around in my hair. To this day I don't know how she does it but a few moments later my long mahogany hair was in this half-up, half-down style that looked awesome with my outfit. She'd also put on some smoky eyeshadow that made my dark brown eyes look all sexy and mysterious. I looked badass.
"Count your blessings, Alice. You're lucky I'm even going to this thing. I hate crowds and I hate douchebags- that's why I prefer keeping to myself and reading a good book or watching a movie or something. There's much less chance for unpleasant surprises that way."
"Which is exactly why I'm making you go out with me. You're only 23, Bella. You need to live a little. Besides, I miss my best friend."
"So you decide going to hang out with a bunch of drunken, horny frat boys and older men reliving their glory days with their beta keta alpha new zeta whatever whores will be what draws us closer?"
"Bella!" she screamed, stamping her black hooker stiletto on the floor.
"Alright, alright." As much as I didn't want to admit it she had a point. It had been an extremely long time since I'd gotten out- about the same time my sexual dry spell started, my social life also dried up to pretty much nonexistent. I was like a cactus with no water, a flower with no roots, a cocoon with no caterpillar, a- well, you get the picture. When things went down with my ex and I found out my dad had cancer, I'd stopped doing...everything. College, parties, drinking, sex...Everything. I'd also neglected Alice and I did feel guilty about it. The bitch knew it too, and she's the type that'll milk an advantage like that for all it's worth. That's the only reason she was able to rope me into this tonight.
I sighed heavily and stood up. "Let's get this show on the road, then."
Alice gave me the once over before reaching over abruptly and slapping my butt, making it jiggle. "You look hot, even if you're not wearing a dress. I'd do you."
I reached over and gave her a quick boob grope in return. "Can we stay in and do that instead? There's this thing I can do with my tongue..." Right then, there was the loud honking of a horn. Dammit, Jasper always had such bad timing.
"Nope! It's time to go. You ready?"
I took one last longing look at my sanctuary and then at Alice who was glaring at me impatiently.
"As ready as I'll ever be."
"Then let's go!" Alice squealed as she dragged me out the front door. "Something good is gonna happen tonight. I can just feel it!"
I didn't know it then, but truer words had never been spoken.
*~*M.T.L*~*
"This is such an amazing bonding experience," I said-more like shouted-to Alice.
"What?!" she hollered back, leaning in closer to me, and I shook my head.
"Never mind," I said, and she shrugged before looking back out at the crowd, swaying back and forth to the beat. Jasper was behind her with his arms crossed over her shoulders as he held her closely to him. As much as I loved Alice, I had to admit I was jealous sometimes- I mean, Jasper was damn near perfect. He was tall and slim with shaggy blonde hair and piercing gray eyes, a laid-back, subtly funny personality, and a sexy southern accent to boot. I'd actually known him first from school and had a crush on him, but one look at Alice and he was a goner, slow motion gazes and sappy music included.
That whore.
"Having fun, Bells?" he drawled, leaning down. His gray eyes twinkled with knowing mirth and I sneered at him playfully. He knew very well this wasn't my kind of thing. It wasn't really his either but he was the kind of guy who could adapt to any environment and still be comfortable. Plus he loved Alice and, judging by the way he was plastered all over her, wanted to make sure he staked his claim.
"Oodles," I drawled back sarcastically, taking a sip of my Bud Light, and he laughed easily before standing back up and whispering something in Alice's ear.
She turned to me. "We're gonna go get some fresh air. Will you be okay here?"
I rolled my eyes. So much for bonding. Classic case of penis over pussy. "Yea, I'll be just peachy," I said.
"Thanks! Love you," she said with a peck on the cheek. And then they were gone and I was left standing against the wall in a house full of strangers. I took the moment to look around. The house was actually really large and beautiful but it was marred by the current occupants. There were people everywhere- just as I'd suspected, a bunch of frat guys in preppy shirts and cargo shorts were horsing around and getting progressively raunchy and loud, while a bunch of skimpily dressed sorority type girls were giggling and grinding on each other suggestively to the beat of the pounding hip-hop music, throwing glances at the guys to see if they were watching- which they were, of course. It was like some sort of disgusting mating ritual. I could practically smell the pheromones in the air, somewhere amidst the mist of sweat and alcohol stench.
This was a scene that I didn't miss. I'd been right in there before when I was in college- not sorority, but I definitely partied all night and woke up with a stranger a couple of times. Not often, but when I had an itch after I broke up with yet another douchebag boyfriend I had no problems finding someone to scratch it for me. But now, that thought didn't appeal to me.
What I'd really been longing for lately was someone to really connect with- someone whose life didn't revolve around parties and sex. Someone who was interested in the same things as me, who was funny and intelligent and had real substance. Someone who would be there for me, who I could let into my life and lean on when times with dad got hard. Someone who I could love, and who would love me unconditionally in return. I was so tired of living my life just to take care of dad, as much as I loved him. I was so tired of dating douchebags and going home with someone who was just looking for a new flavor of the week. I hadn't done it for almost two years, but even contemplating it tonight repelled me. And the other extreme I'd chosen as a result, not being with anyone at all, was becoming just as stifling.
I just wanted something...real. Something like what Alice had with Jasper, what my mom had with my dad. And I knew I wasn't going to find it here.
I was suddenly struck with a feeling of intense loneliness and knew I needed to get out of there and find somewhere I could be alone. With a heavy sigh, I set my drink down on a nearby table, pushed off the wall, and maneuvered my way through the crowds of people in the large living room, narrowly avoiding getting beer spilled on me and my boobs and ass groped. I felt like I'd hit the jackpot when I spotted a small door leading into an empty sunroom. I made my way there, pushing on it tentatively and smiling triumphantly when it opened easily. Looking around to make sure no one was following me, I opened it just a crack and slipped inside, letting out a breath of relief as I leaned my back against it to push it closed.
"No one's allowed in here," a deep voice said somewhere in front of me, and I jumped and squeaked, my heart racing a little with surprise. I looked to my right to see a male silhouette sitting on what looked like a really comfortable chair.
"I-I'm sorry," I said, my hand over my heart. "I was just trying to get away from the party."
It was silent for a moment before he reached over. There was a click before a lamp illuminated the room softly and then I could see him clearly. What I saw made my heart drop somewhere in the vicinity of my panties. He had messily tousled bronze hair with chiseled facial features and light eyes- I couldn't see the color from the door. His shoulders were broad even while sitting and, in a snug black t-shirt and stone-washed jeans, he looked lean and muscular.
He raised an eyebrow. "Trying to get away? That's not something you hear from people who come here."
I shrugged, feeling self-conscious suddenly. "I just wanted a moment to myself."
"Ah," he said, seeming to study me for a minute. I gulped, feeling scorching heat along the path his eyes traveled as they took me in from head to toe before glinting appreciatively. "Well, you don't look like the usual girls who come to these things."
"Thanks," I said, taking it as a compliment because it was. And apparently it was meant as such because he smiled at me with full, pink lips, making him suddenly look boyish and cute. Holy mother of god, the man was handsome.
"You're welcome. You can sit, if you want. We can both hide out from the rabid masses."
I smiled in thanks, my heart pounding as I chose the comfortable leather couch next to him. A little nervous, I looked around the room, liking the soothing decor. It was all neutrals with splashes of teal and green and brown leather furniture, making it look both earthy and welcoming. There was a large bookcase across the room filled with books that made me want to go look at them, but I wouldn't. I had some manners.
"This is a really nice place," I said to fill the momentary silence.
"Thanks. It's my favorite room in the house."
"You sound like you come here often," I said, my curiosity overtaking me and making me a bit bolder. I turned toward him, making eye contact. My heart lurched when I saw the color of his eyes- they were a deep, piercing green like the forest at sunset. Those eyes with his bronze hair and pale skin were a lethal combination that had the potential to stop a girl's heart.
"My parents live here."
"Oh." Surprising. "Then why are you hiding from your own party?"
"This is my brother's party. It was all my cousin's idea," he said with a slight grimace. "Me being here is just collateral damage."
"Ouch. That sucks," I said. He shrugged.
"Emmett- that's my older brother- is more of a party person than me. You may have heard of him. Emmett Cullen?"
"Ohhh," I said, his identity clicking into place. Of course I'd heard of Emmett Cullen- he was the lead quarterback for Washington State and was on his way to joining a national football team before he was in a car wreck that injured his knee. But he was so good he still got offered a coaching position- now the Seattle Seahawks were the number one football team in the nation for three years in a row. He had just moved back into town. I'd heard he had a younger brother, but had never actually seen him. And I don't really care about sports so I hadn't really paid attention.
"So you're..."
"Edward. Edward Cullen. More commonly known as Emmett's geeky little brother," he said, but it was without bitterness. I liked that; he was obviously humble and held no jealousy over his brother's fame. And he wasn't the party type and a self-professed geek. I might be in trouble- the good kind.
"Well, Emmett's little brother, tell me more about yourself. Seems like we're going to be trapped in here for a while," I said as I heard a loud shout, then a crash followed by raucous laughter from outside the door. I didn't know where the sudden confidence was coming from but for some reason once I got past my initial shyness I felt at ease with him, though he was one of the most handsome men I'd ever seen.
"True," he said. "It's really nothing that exciting. Let's see...I'm 25 years old. I was born here in Washington and have lived here my whole life. I have one brother, Emmett, as well as a niece and nephew he had with my sister-in-law Rosalie. My parents are still happily married and live here in Washington as well, obviously. My dad's a surgeon and my mom an interior designer, so I grew up with a relatively stable, happy childhood. Thankfully I was able to go to college with their help. I actually graduated high school a couple of years early and finished college early too. I'm a- Well, I'm really into computers and work with them for a living, so I guess that makes me some sort of geek. That's about it, I guess." He finished with a self-deprecating shrug as if he didn't think he was all that worth talking about. I was almost instantly enamored, even more than I had been with just his looks. He spoke about his family with obvious affection and didn't think too highly of himself. Such a change from the pompous asses I seemed to attract before.
"I think that's awesome," I said honestly before I could stop myself, and felt my cheeks warm when he gave me a small, grateful smile. It was silent for a moment as we stared at each other, then he cleared his throat and sat back, resting his ankle on his knee.
"Well, it definitely wasn't easy growing up with an all-star brother. But thankfully, we get along and he never let anyone mess with me. So I can hide from his parties in peace."
"That's nice. I don't have any brothers and sisters. I always wondered what it was like."
"Some days are better than others. So are you a student here? I've never seen you before."
I shook my head, feeling embarrassed. I didn't want to tell such a smart man that I'd had to drop out. "No. I'm taking a break to figure out what I want to do with my life," I said. It was kind of true- I felt like I was in some sort of limbo right now, wanting to move forward but unable to.
"Then what brings you to this party?"
"Well, I was forced to by my best friend. Apparently I don't get out and have fun enough so my best friend- her name is Alice- said-"
"Alice? Alice Brandon?" he interrupted, perking up all of a sudden. I felt a hot flash of jealousy. Whoa, where did that come from?
"Yea. Do you know her?"
"Know her? She's my cousin. This party was her idea," he said with a laugh, suddenly seeming warmer than he was before. The light in his eyes was brighter, more welcoming as he leaned forward. "So you must be Bella!"
I smiled, blushing slightly, all jealousy gone with the word 'cousin'. "Yep. The one and only. How come I've never met you?" I definitely would have remembered if I had. Not that I'd ever tell him that.
"I lived in a different area of Washington until a few weeks ago. It was too hard to visit with work and everything." That explained it- I would have met him earlier if I wasn't too busy enjoying being a recluse. I remembered Alice being excited about a close cousin moving back into town that she wanted me to meet, but I never felt the desire to. Go figure. "I knew you looked kinda familiar. Alice doesn't stop talking about you," he continued.
"Oh, god. All good things, I'd hope," I groaned, blushing even more in embarrassment. I was going to kill Alice- how dare she talk about me to this perfect specimen of a man and not tell me!There were so many bad, embarrassing stories she could have told him...yea, murder was imminent at this point.
"Definitely. She goes on and on about how smart and talented you are- you wrote that mini-series of kid's books, didn't you? What was it... Barry the Little Bear?"
I blushed profusely at his mention of those books. Yes, I'd written them for one of my old friend's little brother about four years ago and Alice had gotten a hold of them and sent them to publishers without my notice. They'd become somewhat of a mini-sensation among young children and moms, but no one knew I was the author because I'd purposely not included my picture, just my name. That way I could still have my privacy- just the way I liked it.
"Yes," I said simply.
"My niece and nephew both love those books. I read them too- they're really good," he said sincerely. Well, maybe I'd let her live a little longer.
"Thanks," I whispered, looking down at my lap and fiddling with my fingers. I felt self-conscious anytime they were brought up. It was quiet for a moment and the sounds of the party could be heard through the door, disrupting the peace. Suddenly, Edward cleared his throat and I looked up at him. He uncrossed his legs, sitting up and rubbing his hands on his thighs. I followed the movement, blushing slightly as I thought of how thick and manly they looked in those snug jeans and my hands replacing his.
"This isn't really my scene, and it's hard to concentrate with all this noise going on. In fact, I'm about to get out of here."
"Oh. Lucky you," I quipped, bringing myself out of my haze as disappointment dampened my mood. I'd just met him but for some reason I wanted to spend more time with him. "I've gotta wait on Alice, whenever she decides she's had enough 'fresh air' with Jasper."
I made air quotes as I said 'fresh air' and Edward made a disgusted face that still somehow made him look handsome. "TMI. That's my cousin and my best friend you're talking about."
I shrugged. "They're both my best friends, so welcome to my life. At least you don't have to hear them. They looove fresh air." I snickered as his face became even more distorted with disgust. "Anyway, I'll probably just hang in here until they're done. I've got nothing better to do." Please, please, please invite me to go with you.
He dropped his head and shifted in his seat before peeking up at me adorably from behind a fringe of bronze hair. Be still my beating heart...
"Well, I can take you home later. Do you...wanna come with?"
My heart was pounding and I was fighting a smile. "Well, that depends," I managed to say through my suddenly dry mouth.
He straightened a little, arching an eyebrow slightly as his hands stilled on his thighs. "On what?"
"On if you're some kind of killer who'll take me out to the woods and dispose of my body after you take advantage of me. Normally I'd be down for the excitement, but tonight's just not a good night for me."
His mouth twitched before breaking into a mischievous, lopsided smile that just...did funny things to my insides.
"I can promise it's nothing that exciting. I just thought we could...I don't know...Get away. So, you want to?"
He was looking at me with that twinkle in his eye and the crooked smile and I couldn't say no if I wanted to. My heart pounded as I licked my dry lips and his gaze dropped to watch. I couldn't help but smile.
"Yea...I'd love to."
A/N: So there's the first chapter! I'm not sure how long this story will be just yet but I've already written five chapters and it won't be exceedingly long so the update schedule will be regular- probably twice a week.
I hope that you enjoyed this first chapter and will continue to love this little story about how love can change our life for the better, no matter how small that change may seem.
Please hit that little review button and let me know what you thought.
See you soon!
