Title: Afraid to ask
Chapters: 1/1
Disclaimer: it isn't mine.
Afraid to askChina Dolly
It was yet another day that I loathed. Rain was pouring down and clattering against the window of my bedroom. Thunder sounded and every flash of light made me crawl in my skin. Even though the heater was on I still shivered as I leaned my head against the windowsill, eyes closed as tightly as I could. A blanket had been laying on top of me, I thought vaguely and turned my head a bit to see where the destination of it had been.
The ground. It lay forlornly onto the dark wooden floor and I supposed my body heat - if I had any at all - would have disappeared out of it by now. I frowned. I hadn't even noticed the blanket falling off. I must have been deeper in thoughts then I had first intended to think.
And how could I not? I dared to question myself for a moment. And I sighed as I turned my head back to stare out of the window. It wasn't that much of a sight. Everything was drenched and muddy for it had been raining for several days already.
It had made me catch a cold. And that, in turn, had made Tsuzuki fussing all over me. It's so annoying. I can take care of myself. It's not that I mind him caring for me. I don't. I think, from one perspective, that we need each other. Because we make each other stay sane in some weird way.
But in reality, I didn't need anyone to keep me sane. Because I lost my sanity the same cursed night I lost my life. Well, a bit before that actually. I lost my sanity the day that Muraki raped me. The night I witnessed one of the many things I should never have seen. Because even now, I don't believe that I should have seen all the different things, people, murders that I investigate.
And princess Tsubaki was one of them. Because how could I, as the foolish and tainted person I am, really believe someone would care that deeply for me? It hurt me to kill her, with his gun nonetheless.
And even now, I can still clearly hear the words she spoke in her clear voice. Please don't be sad Hisoka. You have someone. Someone who'll protect you, grow with you, understand you, know everything about you, forgive you and love you. Right beside you.
And those words have haunted my mind, haunted like an angered ghost does the place it hates. I have wondered for several times that perhaps that person could be Tsuzuki. But what would he want with such a tainted doll as myself? What would he want…
And perhaps, I hope she meant Tsuzuki because I yearn for it to be Tsuzuki. That I want it to be him, because he is perhaps the only person that can save me from myself.
Because he always tells me things will be fine. That he will be there to catch me when I fall. But now I also realize, that such a simple reassurance isn't enough. Not for me, that is. But, how do I ask for it? How can someone give me, a tainted kid who was raped and murdered at 16, what I want so desperately? How could they? I think, and close my eyes to not see the blurring of them.
Because when I don't see my eyes blur, I won't know I'm crying until the tears start to fall. And my tears never really fall. So with my eyes closed, I can pretend I'm fine, that I'm not crying.
And it's like this a lot of times. Me sitting in the windowsill, reassuring myself that things will be fine because Tsuzuki's words don't seem to be enough. And when I start to fall asleep bit by bit, a couple of words pop into my heard that make me worry, but only for a moment, because I fall asleep fast after that. Having nightmares of Muraki.
I don't want just another bedtime story that tells me it's all right.
I don't want just another soothing word to chase away my fears.
I want so much more, but am afraid to ask so.
The End