KFP owned by Dreamworks.
Warning : generous Tipo fluff ahead! (with a pinch of sarcasm)
I would like to thank crackers-me (tumblr) for her valuable input and her effort to beta this piece! Thank you, buddy, I really owe you :-)
Ok, without further ado.
-A Girl worth kissing is NOT easily kissed-
Teach not thy lip such scorn, for it was made for kissing, lady, not for such contempt - William Shakespeare
"Dude, Come onnn…!" Mantis mumbled with his mouth stuffed full to the brink. "Even after three major villains, numerous missions, just the two of you by the peach tree countless times… you haven't confessed yet?"
"Geez, you think saying those three words is as easy as swallowing bean buns, don't you?" Po said, exasperated.
"No, Po, but I think Mantis has a point, how long are you going to… hold these feelings for Tigress?" Viper modulated her voice with kindness and understanding. It was no secret anymore that the Dragon Warrior had a crush on the long-standing leader of the Furious Five.
"He'll probably wait until the whole of China knows." The insect berated the panda with a sinister chuckle.
"I bet Tigress and Shifu already know… they just pretend to be oblivious about it," Monkey butted in while gobbling up another dumpling.
"Ahh… true love is hard to find, harder to hide…" Viper sighed pensively, with over-the-top sweetness in her tone.
"And you don't want other guy to beat you to it, I mean… I'm not saying you're not attractive as such… but do you remember 2 months ago that generous Siberian tiger who paid us a visit?"
"You mean the Emperor's nephew?" Po asked.
"Yeah, that's the one…" Mantis said. "I mean, maaaannn, he is handsome… powerful… his fur was well manicured, his pelt was shining with prosperity, and his pocket screaming with affluence… and that little hint of haughtiness in his voice, would probably make every fibre of my body shiver and scream for mercy…" Mantis continued his string of adulation while whipping a generous amount of food into his bowl. "...If I were Tigress, obviously."
"We can say the same about Po, his belly is brimming with abundance," Monkey joked harmlessly, rubbing Po's portly torso with his hand in a circular motion.
"Hey, watch what you're sayin'!" the panda playfully slammed his meaty palm on the simian's back, sending his face down into the bowl of noodles in front of him. Everyone else burst into laughter as the simian tried to detangle each noodle strand from his fur.
"I have to say," the snake said, "I'm quite impressed with his superficial attributes, his square jaw, delicious biceps, and that sculpted chest of his… thank goodness he wore no shirt, but beyond his physical distinction, he actually had no depth, and Tigress was distantly interested in such a guy… well, just to make him taste her fist, of course."
"Agreed… I registered that sinister, vapid look on her face. I bet she'd much rather date Monkey's tail than him," Crane responded to both Mantis's and Viper's lecture, "but that doesn't mean another threat isn't imminent… Remember, Tigress had a crush on that prawn from Japan."
"I had to say her taste was completely… utterly… random." Mantis started speaking again. "I mean, a tiger and a prawn?" Po muffled a chuckle at the insect's incredulous remark.
"But that just confirms it's possible for panda and tiger to get together," Viper concluded, smiling sweetly in the direction of the blushing panda.
"Big Guy, you don't want to confess to her when you're old, puckered and saggy… or lacking certain masculine potency…" With a deceptively judgemental tone, the insect added his little line of 'wisdom'. The panda's face scrunched up, he pouted innocently like a little child and moped. "Thanks!" He shot a twisted look at the insect for his lewd, inappropriate, and very much discouraging remark.
Touched by the worry in his eyes, the serpent offered her kind voice. "Po, are you worried she'll reject you?" she enquired gingerly while rubbing her big brother's burly arm with her idle tail.
Po interlaced his finger nervously before admitting with a squeaky little voice, "Uhm… yeah, I mean… she is beautiful, brave, graceful, and such… and me? I'm just a big, fat panda… who everyone treats like a joke," he chided himself, eyes full of disappointment.
"Po!" Viper cried. "No one thinks of you that way anymore! Even Tigress apologised for the way she treated you in the beginning. You're funny, charming, and own a golden heart, any girl would be lucky to have you!" His snake sister shot a disapproving look at Po's unwarranted insecurity.
"Big Guy," Mantis chipped in, "you're the mighty Dragon Warrior, the most awesome and bodacious hero in China, do you think Tigress can't see that as well?" He tried to coax in the panda confidence to give himself the credit he was due. With Po's hero worshipping tendency, he often forgot that he was one of them, a person who was renowned for his courage, outstanding chivalry, and noble qualities.
Po's smile was wide and generous. "Thanks guys. But I'm a panda, and she's a tiger."
"Is there a problem? It's not implausible for the two of you to get together, Master Shifu had a fox for a girlfriend, surely he won't oppose your choice on the same basis."
"Look, Po," Crane cajoled the panda, "next week is the lunar festival, this is your chance to say whatever's been nagging you for the past six years. You don't wanna… repeat what happened between me and Mei Ling," the avian master said softly under his breath, directing his advice solely for the panda's benefit.
"Remember, fear passes, but regret stays forever," he added with a slight note of sorrow in his voice.
Viper nodded her head, approving Crane's words of wisdom. "Yes, the worst feeling is regretting not having done something when you had a chance…"
"Err… The thing is… I'm not good with words," the panda admitted morosely, his shoulders slumped.
"It's only three words, Po!" the bug snapped, clearly losing his patience. How could a creature that big have a courage that small when it came to love matters?
"Yeah, but still…" Po mumbled persistently.
"Mantis, Po and Tigress are different from you," Viper interjected. "And—who is she again? The butterfly girl?"
Po raised his brows. "I thought you were dating a worm? A silkworm?"
"You mean Ai Ling? She turned into a butterfly, dude… I thought you knew."
"Riiiight, sorry 'bout that. I've, errr… never date a bug before," Po blurted out offhandedly, inviting a gale of laughter from the other masters except for Mantis, who just looked rigidly at the panda, condoning his self-humiliating and moronic comment.
"I don't think a worm is a bug," he said, contorting his face fiendishly.
"Ok, enough!" Viper cried. "Let's get back on topic here."
"I know… I know…" Someone raised his hand. "...Instead of saying it, what about showing it." Monkey, who had been silent for a while, suddenly found his voice again. With a familiar twinkle in his eyes, he smiled mischievously. Po knew something unpleasant was lurking behind that smile.
"You mean like…" At the moment he paused, Monkey's smile widened.
Lumbering towards him, the simian whispered loudly into the panda's ear, making sure the rest of the masters heard his brilliant idea. Mantis tried to stifle his cackle, already had an inkling of where the conversation heading to. "Give her a kiss!"
"A WHAT?!" Po nearly fell out his seat, and Crane's long beak dropped with a loud creak. Viper rebutted the simian with eye-rolling derision. "I think that's an absolutely genius idea of yours, Master Monkey."
"Yeah, thank me later for my gift of high intellect," Monkey ribbed, false imperiousness in his voice.
"There's a risk of getting yourself hurt," Crane told Po offhandedly, "...seriously hurt."
"But either words or actions would get you a dislocated jaw anyway." Monkey wheedled the panda further, trying to hide the importuning edge of his voice. "Probably some missing teeth? So it's up to you. I say a kiss is the way to go. Because judging by her reaction when you kiss her, you'll know whether she feels the same for you."
"I think Monkey has a point, Po." The panda flicked his incredulous gaze at the serpent, not believing she actually bought that nonsensical idea.
The panda knew he was cornered. With nowhere to run, he had to improvise, and decided a spontaneous visit to his dad would be just the trick he needed. "Ok, I think I've had enough of this, I'm gonna go see my dad."
A few minutes after Po left, when everyone else was dawdling in his absence with some empty chatter, the tiger master came in and joined them.
"Hi… have any of you seen Po?"
"Yes, he just went off to help his dad in the restaurant. But he left you some lunch over there." Mantis absently pointed to the cauldron, which was still wafting generously with a mouth-watering smell, that would make her forget table manners existed.
"By the way, Tigress, we're talking about an interesting subject, wanna join us?" Viper attempted to coax her into spilling some precious information. After all, it was her opinion that mattered the most to the panda's overall success.
"Sure," the tiger apathetically responded, seemingly more interested in the leftover tofu braised with sweet-soya sauce and garlic that Po left for her. "What's the subject?"
"A kiss, Tigress… what do you think of a kiss?" Mantis stated blatantly, simple and short.
She glowered at the bug. "What kind of kiss? A peck? Or… a real kiss?"
"A serious kiss…" He expounded in much more detail. "French kiss… Sichuan kiss, Gongmen kiss, whatever you want to call it, one that's heady, with passion, muzzle, tongue, and lips… that gets you all worked up." Crane listened to the dialogue with his face twisted and flushed in discomfort—he could just imagine the insect funeral that would be around the corner if he wasn't careful.
"Oh. That kind. I think it's disgusting," Tigress riposted with fabricated gagging motion.
"Seriously? Why?" the insect stared back at the tiger with much skepticism, narrowing his vision to face her stoic facade.
"Why would you want to exchange saliva and germs with other people?" she stated her logical reasoning.
"Because you love them?" Monkey said lamely. Tigress scowled at his mediocre answer.
"So are you saying you prefer to… shake hands or something?" Crane felt like banging his head on the table hearing Mantis's absurd, boneheaded query. But Viper already smacked the bug's head with the side of her tail.
"I love you, let's handshake…" the avian sinisterly mimed the gesture of handshake, while Mantis snarled at his unfair accusation.
"Actually, Tigress is right… it does indeed sound disgusting," Viper butted in, shuddering on how many germ she'd exchanged with her previous exes, not that she had many.
"But I think a lot of disgusting, unreasonable and illogical things we do are part of our instinct for survival…" Mantis impugned. "Our nature. Like, we tend to like the prettier girl… tend to like women with attractive bodies… and tend to like sex, because it's what made our species survive!"
"You mean 'I' instead of 'we', no?" Tigress said, paying the insect a sardonic look.
"Wait, hang on," Viper said. "Read this magazine I just bought from the marketplace. It says… This Week's Contagious Conundrum: the Five Benefits of Kissing, REVEALED. Lemme read it to you." The serpent took hold of the fancy, colourful looking parchment and leafed (more like scrolled) through the pages zealously until she found the article she was looking for. The rest leaned over her, eyes fixated on the magazine. There was a crackling dissent at the display of numerous sultry figures in sizzling outfits. Well… except for Tigress of course.
"It says here that kissing is a fundamental part of signalling how compatible one person is with another. When two people lock lips or engage in a romantic encounter, they receive information about the other person from the smell, taste, sound, and signals that subconsciously decide whether they are compatible to have cubs together." The rest of the masters chuckled on the image evoked by those facts, but Tigress crossed her arms skeptically.
"I bet Po smells like Monkey's almond cookies." Crane chuckled.
"And tastes like garlic and noodles," Mantis butted in. This time the rest, even Tigress, laughed loudly.
Mmm… I wonder if he would taste like secret ingredient soup, she thought. Hell, Tigress, what are you thinking?
"Listen to this part, guys… it turns out that kissing works like…. A DRUG!" Viper read the line with an ascending tone, purposely giving an emphasis on the last word.
"It stimulates the brain to release a chemical that makes you feel elated, excited and aroused." Looming over the magazine, Tigress finished the sentence from where Viper left off.
"So… basically it's a cheaper, legal way of taking a drug?" the insect raised his almost invisible brows, combing his sight towards the other masters, looking for answers.
"You could say that," Crane replied. His eyes were still on the parchment as he reevaluated the article one more time with his critical mind.
"I bet it's easier to get a drug than a kiss."
"If you are trying to get it out of Tigress, then yes," Monkey chuckled, but stopped at the pursed lips of a vexed tiger. "Um… sorry," he squeaked and shifted on his seat in terror.
"Ok, here it is," Viper continued, "the benefits of kissing include: improving teeth hygiene, relieving stress… strengthening the immune system, slowing down aging by exercising muscles in the face and... it can even help you lose weight!"
"Seriously...? Lose weight? If Po can do that instead of climbing the Thousands Steps or embarking on Shifu's ruthless diet regime… I bet he'll do it."
"I think this list's quite accurate, no wonder Shifu always acts crotchety and grumpy, he needs a kiss!"
"First we need to find him a date," Mantis concluded.
"How about Crane's mum?" suggested Monkey. Crane gaped and his mouth worked fruitlessly to make a sound.
"But red pandas can't lay eggs… neither can a bird give birth..."
"They're not of the age of reproduction anymore, so we can forget about that aspect. They just need the kissing bit."
"I think Crane's mum fits Po's dad better."
"Whoa… whoaaa… hold on a sec, as much as I love Po as a brother, don't you think it's a little far-fetched to matchmake our parents?!" the shy avian master finally decided to step in and defend his opinion from the incessant rift.
"I like the sound of 'kissing can slow down aging'… don't you, Crane?" Viper swept her sultry gaze at her partner. Crane felt slightly lightheaded on figuring out what her suggestion meant.
"I just can't imagine how… the two of you could kiss," the insect jeered, making the fur behind Tigress's neck stand up from the vivid depiction in her creative mind.
Uh, I don't need that.
"You just don't have a prolific imagination, Mantis… only lewd ideas seem to occupy your brain," Viper chastised.
"Ok, I'm done with my lunch, I believe Shifu is waiting for us in the courtyard for sparring," Tigress announced, earning a collective groan from the rest of the team. She scoffed at their reluctance and lack of drive to train.
"Just think how good all of us would be, if we dedicated ourselves to our training instead of that kissing," she added.
"Training is like a drug, but only to you, Tigress."
Viper…" For whatever reason, this voice wasn't as firm and resolute as the usual voice owned by the ferocious Master Tigress. Viper slid open the door of her chamber and welcomed her sister-in-arms in.
"Can I... borrow your magazine?" She went straight to the point.
"Uh, why?" Tigress bit her tongue from sharing the truth, something even she couldn't wrap her head around.
"Yeah… yeah, sure," Viper said after not getting the response she hoped for. "Is this relating to the article?" the serpent probed. It never occurred to her that the piece of tacky reportage could really stir something in the tiger's hardcore soul.
"It's written here on the footnote: to reap the full reward and benefit of a kiss requires practice and mastery," Tigress read.
"And if you master kissing… you are ready to take your physical relationship to a new level," mirroring her intonation, Viper finished the paragraph.
"That means…?" Tigress hung her question, while Viper mouthed a word silently with her mouth.
"Oh… 'that'."
"Tigress… can I ask you something?" the serpent rebutted.
"I'm all ears."
"Do you like Po?"
What? How does she know?
"N-no… no way." Tigress denied unconvincingly.
"Why not? He is handsome, kind… and he can read you like a book, Tigress… not every man would just forgive you after you kicked his tenders, after you gave him all sorts of vile treatment. But Po endured all that with no words of resentment. Don't you think he's quite something?"
"But he's very childish… and his jokes get on my nerves!"
"But you laugh at them, and you were the one who encouraged him to stuff those bean buns in his mouth."
"Ok, let's be more objective here, shall we make a list?" the serpent offered. Deciding that the option sounded sensible, Tigress agreed. Both females huddled by Tigress's desk, she started to scribble her thoughts down. Viper watched, occasionally pitching some of her own thoughts.
This was what she wrote:
The pros and cons of the Dragon Warrior
Cons
He took the Dragon Scroll away from me (not that I mind now)
He is clumsy and childish
He can't even wake up before the gong unless Master Shifu yells at him
He has terrible morning breath
He has no regard for table manners
He has a form of acute appetite disorder (and he supposed to be able to survive for months at a time on nothing but the dew of a single gingko leaf and the energy of the universe)
He is lacking in the masculinity department (and those patchy pants don't help)
He is lacking in grace and elegance (especially when he tripped over his own foot and fell down the thousand steps)
He doesn't live up to the image of a hero or warrior everyone has in mind
He snores loudly in his sleep (every. single. night.)
He can't even climb the steps without involving losing consciousness at the top
He often acts like a mindless fool
He is a panda (and I am a tiger)
Pros
He is kind, patient, forgiving and honest
He is selfless, sensitive and thoughtful
He treats women with honour and respect
He could be very romantic (if I didn't threaten to maim him to pieces)
He has a pair of enthralling emerald eyes that could weaken your knees
His body is built for comfort (and very warm too…)
He has a positive attitude, even in the direst situation
He always sees the best in others
He gets along well with anyone (including the ruthless side of me)
He never gives up (not even after Shifu's brutal training regime when he first joined us)
He doesn't mind being my punch bag in the training hall
He has an artistic streak, just look at those action figures he made
Every time we make a mess in the training hall, he willingly takes all the blame
He worships me as if I am a goddess
He'll do anything for me, even kiss the ground I walk on
He looks incredibly attractive when he's angry
He is a kung fu prodigy (even Shifu is a little jealous)
He vanquished Tai Lung, Shen, and Kai
He is a creative, all-inspiring teacher
He is the pinnacle of a true hero, humble and meek
His pathetic jokes and frivolous acts make me smile
He has an infectious smile that could melt your worries away
He is a nimble and very capable chef (and he looks hot when he saunters around the kitchen)
He has a pair of strong yet comfy arms that could melt your troubles away
He has the softest lips I've ever seen (or at least that's what I imagine)
He is the Dragon Warrior and he takes his role seriously
We work so well together (not to mention the cool/corny catchphrases he created for those bodacious moves we have)
He is a wonderful, loyal and dependable friend (and always there when I need him)
He understands me, sometimes more than I understand myself
After her quill left the parchment, Tigress thoroughly skimmed the list. She was stunned at the very last sentence.
This was her honest opinion. Regardless of how he looked, his skill and everything else, the most important thing was Po understood her, more than anybody else. He understood what made her sad, made her happy, he understood her deepest insecurity and found the right words to console her.
Even long before she hugged him in Gongmen Jail, she already started to feel drawn towards the panda, an inch at a time, as she continued to learn more about him. How she responded to the panda's presence wasn't entirely unexpected. As Viper called it, opposites attract. And according to the serpent herself (who claimed to be well-known for her accolades in the matter of emotions), given the time, they were bound to develop something more than mere friendship.
Whether it was animal instinct, love potions or magic spells, for Tigress, it was wildly imaginative, if not completely unrealistic. How could someone think it was natural for a panda and a tiger to be together?
Everyone kept raving about how awesome it would be for both of them to be together, not that Tigress doubted the longevity of her relationship with Po (should it ever ensue), or the truthfulness of her friends' words about the panda unbidden affection towards her. But she needed more elaborate evidence than just 'you two will make such a bodacious couple' assurance. Tigress was a creature of logic. In order to believe something, she had to reason it.
Both of them always tread between the line of professionalism and unorthodox acquaintanceship. They trained and paired with each other so frequently that both of them could read and anticipate each other's movement, covering each other's weaknesses with strength—so different yet so right being together.
Even though Po and herself were just mere friends at the moment, his action and quirkiness had always captivated her attention, inviting her smile in amusement, giving a strange feeling of warmth that balmed her soul. And the same could be said the other way around—for every kung fu routine she did, every split kick, every accurate punch she sent to obliterate that weird spiky-swaying gizmo, she felt his jade orbs follow her in sincere admiration.
There was another time when Po took her and the rest of the Five to his dad's restaurant, and this was the way he described their friendship.
"Tigress, try this…" He pushed a bowl of sweet dumplings her way. She obediently took a bite from one. It was sweeter than the usual savoury dumplings she liked, but still quite delicious.
"Now try this…" He offered a yellow coloured condiment. Tigress dipped her claw and licked it with the tip of her tongue. "Mm… sour and slightly spicy, is that mustard?"
"Now, try dipping that sweet dumpling into that relish before eating." She obeyed, and her eyes widened in surprise. The combination of contradicting flavours burst like fireworks, sweetness with the slight edge of saltiness followed by a sudden note of biting heat. It ended with sourness that enhanced the experience of devouring them immediately.
"See, this is a little bit like me and you, we're very different, we excel and struggle in different facets of life, but our friendship has made us complete… Like this sweet dumpling and sour mustard. A lot of people never suspect they are gonna taste awesome together, but they do." He looked up at her to see whether his explanation made sense. Seeing Tigress smile and nod, the panda grinned toothily. "I knew you'd get it."
Tigress had to admit, Po wasn't the brightest bulb in the drawer, but his astounding way of connecting and conveying his mind with others (through simple food-related metaphors, no less) was pure genius, and again… she found another reason why she was oddly drawn to him.
They both clicked together perfectly and imperfectly. They had their own edges and surfaces, they were different in so many ways, and it was astounding to see how well it all worked. If her life was a gigantic puzzle, he was the missing piece that fit right in the centre.
...to be continued...
Yes, in fluff mode, I don't tend to give any cliffhanger... just letting everyone enjoy the ride. I was hoping this going to be two or three shot story.
This story was inspired after I watched DreamworksTV in youtube : Kissing Conundrum, you can check that out... quite funny and informative.
