Okay, people, hi. I was supposed to be a good little author and not post this for like another year or something, but I couldn't handle the waiting anymore. This is not the 'revised' version because that version is stuck on my old laptop which broke down a couple weeks ago before I could back it up. (Yes, I cried.)

So, this thing is like my child, and I've been working on it ever since that (deep breaths, don't swear) finale. Moving on (because I just can't cry anymore) this is obviously AU and will take different direction to show canon. Many of the major events will still happen, but ages and times and things will be messed around with. The updates will be sporadic, but always on Mondays. Have fun reading.

I promise you a legendary ride.


Robin Scherbatsky is a confident and sophisticated woman; not to mention beautiful. And just one look at her can not only tell you every single one of these things, but that she knows them as well.

So when she presses up against the bar counter with a drink in hand and watches him slap his hands against his friend's chest, she can tell the guy's about to amble his way over to her.

And sure enough. A flitting touch against her thigh. A dark voice breathing against her face. "Hey there."

She angles her body away from him (or at least enough so that his hands can't get anywhere else important) and pushes her tumbler away from her, brings it back again. "Hey there, sailor."

If he's surprised by her compliance, his voice betrays nothing, nothing at all, and if she could see his face right now she would say it's just as secretive. "I've been looking for you, you know."

She cringes at his words, at how blunted over his voice is and how much she feels like laughing in his face. "Tell me about that—" she finally swivels, but dodges looking at his face (wisps, flickers, peripheral snapshots of blonde thatch, oceans in the form of irises,) and then gestures too dramatically to the jukebox on the opposite side of the room. "—but over there, would you?"

"I think I'm in love with you, baby." And he doesn't get that she isn't listening, or maybe he's just too involved in her chest to notice (because of course she knows he's been gawking at her boobs for as long as she's been giving him anything to gawk at.)

"Oh, too bad I'm not a nicknames type of girl," she says, glad of just how much blunt sarcasm she's able to muster up (not that it's all that hard.) "I could've fallen in love with a charmer like you."

"Just hear me out." He lifts a hand to rest against her neck, eyes flittering with whispers of things that are far too easy to decode. She dodges him before he can even get close to touching her again.

"Look-y here, dumbass," she says, pressing both hands firmly against his suit-clad chest. (And seriously, what the hell? Who does he think he is, Clark Kent?) "I'm not an idiot, and this is obviously one of your much weaker plays; why don't you grant yourself some dignity and stay the hell away, alright?"

His eyes just narrow. "The name's—"

"Ah, a critical mistake. I don't give a damn." She nods to the bartender and starts swirling around a freshened drink, taking slow sips. "As far as I'm concerned, your name is 'dumbass.'"

"Too bad I'm not a nicknames type of guy."

She snorts. "Cute."

"I can make you glad you came tonight, baby." He says, leaning over and skimming one finger over her chin. She tries to shudder too hard and presses the small of her back into the bar, trying to recover some of the space he's encroached upon.

"Jesus Christ, you don't give up, do you?" she hisses at him, raking her fingernails against her glass, feeling irritated breath rise up from the bottom of her throat.

"Nope." He shuffles closer again, ruining her attempts, and she mutters hot things underneath her breath. "You might say I'm relentless. In a lot of different areas." He eyes her up and down, his tongue folding over his lips, and she feels something thick and akin to disgust start to coat the back of her tongue.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't say that," she says. "Look, this obviously isn't happening. Give it up."

He grins. It's a crooked smile, and she takes time deciding whether or not she likes it. The thing she comes to is no. "My thoughts exactly."

"Jesus." She mutters, swivelling again and offering him a bitter smile. "Look, this isn't going to happen. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a dumped friend to pretend to be sympathetic for."


"I think this is a new page for the history books."

Ted Mosby is slumping over the booth table, playing with a napkin and tearing it at the edges. He sighs. "And what's that, Lily?"

Lily is grinning more than smiling; it's something greedy and delighted, just a breeze away from being a snigger. "That woman—" she nods over to the other side of the room, her eyes winking against the artificial light that shines down from the ceiling. "—that chick, over there? She's resisting our Barney's advances."

At this Ted's head snaps up. "What?" he says and looks where she's looking. Then he sighs. "Oh, yeah, yeah."

Lily turns back to him. Her eyebrows rise. "What's 'oh yeah?'"

He presses his cheek against the table and mumbles, "I was supposed to go over and talk to her, you know? But then Barney goes and sweeps her out from under me. It just sucks."

Lily snorts and rotates her beer before taking a huge gulp. "Why does it matter, anyway? There's plenty of girls out there. Not to be a bitch, sweetie, but you're kind of being a bitch." She pauses. "A whiny one."

"I resent that."

"'Course you do. So what's the problem?"

Ted runs his hands through his hair and sits up again. "Well, it's just, you know how I've been looking for—"

"Your 'The One'?" she says. She snorts. "Oh yeah. We all know about that."

"Shut up," he says, and he frowns at her. "Stop making fun of me."

"Oh, honey, I'm not making fun of you," she pauses, and her face screws up. "I'm just describing certain events in a slightly humoured tone."

"That's making fun."

"Oh my God, just shut up and tell me what the problem is."

"That raises a physical impossibility if I actually have shut up—" he starts to say, but she scowls and throws a balled up napkin at him.

She smiles as he dodges. "Now talk, smartass."

"Yeah, well, it's just—" he pauses, shrugging, "Well, I've been looking for my 'The One' for, like, a year now. And now I see a woman I might have a shot with—"

Lily snorts and laughs before he can go any further; he glares at her. "Oh, sweetheart, you think you might have a shot with her?" she says, shaking her head like he's a misguided youth, "Please. She's like a nine. You're like a... number considerably less than that."

He squints at her in confusion. "I'm, like, an eight and a half. We all had a vote, remember?"

"I remember voting that you were a six."

"No. We all universally agreed that I'm an eight and a half."

She shakes her head and chuckles. "Oh, honey. You're in such denial," she says, and he starts to protest, so she hurries on, "But sure, you think whatever you want."

He narrows his eyes. "Why are you so sarcasm-y tonight? I don't like it."

She rolls her eyes and takes another gulp of her drink. "I'm not sarcasm-y. And you're supposed to be the word professor. Since when is that a word?"

"I'm the grammar professor, Lily. I can make up whatever words I like."

"Yeah. Right," she says, "And I guess, well, I guess it just sucks that Marshall's out of town."

"He's been out of town for like three weeks now."

"I know. It sucks." She waves a hand at the woman who continues to dissuade Barney, "And you'll have to get in line, Ted. Another week and I'm gonna hit that."

Ted grins. "Oh, Lily, we all know about that thinly veiled bisexualism of yours. Don't you pretend anything, now."

She just glares and flips him off.

Ted only has time to snort before Barney crashes down next to him. "What are we doing?" he asks, grabbing a napkin.

"We're talking about Lily's bisexualism—whoa, hold it. Are you wiping a drink off your face?"

He scowls. "Yeah, yeah," he says, "Now onto Lily's bisexualism!"

Lily scoffs and pushes her beer aside. "No way you're getting off that easy, Barney. Did that girl throw that at you?"

He nods; continues wiping.

Ted starts to press his face against the table again. "Oh man, now I have no chance. Not now you've Barneyed all over her."

"Correction. I've awesomed all over her."

Lily leans forward on her elbows. "So, Barney, tell me about this girl."

He shrugs. "She's not that great. She just called me 'dumbass' and threw her drink in my face." His tongue rolls over his lips, like he's savouring a pleasant aftertaste. "Scotch. That is a redeeming factor."

Ted takes this opportunity to whine some more. "Oh man. Haven't I always said that my dream woman likes scotch? Lil, haven't I always said that?"

"Yeah yeah yeah," she says, waving him off. "So Barney, she insulted you and doused you with alcohol?"

He shrugs, and grumbles, "I s'pose."

"Oh my God, I love this woman!"

They blink at her for a beat; and so do bar patrons, but only the (really) new ones, because regulars became used to these sudden and frequent outbursts from their group a long time ago.

Then Barney just grins, "You really are bisexual. Hot."

She pulls a face and flips him off, too. He grins some more.

Ted punches Barney, lightly, in the shoulder. "I saw her first."

Barney screws up his face and shakes his head, and apparently done with the napkin, he balls it up and throws it into the crowd. "I definitely saw her first, bro. No doubt about it."

Ted rolls his eyes. "No, because you remember me saying 'Hey, Barney, see that girl?'"

"Nope."

"What? No?! Lily, back me up here!" Ted cries.

Lily shakes her head. "Hey. Hey now, Ted. I deal with bitching toddlers all day. I don't deserve this kind of crap after hours."

"Thank you, so much for the help."

"Just glad to be of service."

Barney breaks in. "Well, okay, even if you had seen that girl first—which you didn't, by the way—then how am I supposed to know you were talking about her?"

"Because I gestured. And you commented."

Barney looks around, then shrugs. "Okay, fine, maybe you saw her first. But I called dibs. It doesn't matter once someone calls dibs."

"We're not in school anymore. Dibs are useless."

"Says the guy definitively not talking to the hot chick."

Lily snorts at them. "I seriously want to meet this woman. She sounds legen—wait for it—"

"Oh hell no!" Barney rockets up, stabbing an accusing finger at Lily, "You are not using my own awesomeness against me."

Lily just smirks. "—dary."

Barney starts to wail.

"Jesus, sit down," Lily says after about a minute, forcing him back into his seat. "It's not like it's patented or anything."

"Oh my God," Barney says suddenly. "I have just had the most outrageously awesome idea."

Lily rolls her eyes. "And what's that, Barney?"

"To—wait for it; see how it's done, Lily? Wait for it—patent my catchphrases!"

Lily just mutters, "Jesus," and brings her beer back over.


"Oh. My. God."

It's another night at MacLaren's, another round of drinks, and Lily is gawking up at the television screen bolted to the wall.

Barney downs the last of his drink, wipes his mouth, and says, "What's 'oh my God?'"

Lily stabs a finger at the screen. "It's her."

Ted and Barney both mutter, "Who...?" at the same time, then turn around and say "Oh."

Lily clucks her tongue in appreciation. "So she's a reporter. Interesting."

Barney starts snapping his fingers. "Oh, yeah! I've seen her before—she does those stupid gooey fluff pieces at the end of the news." He pauses. "Wow. She looks different."

Lily raises an eyebrow. "Like how?"

"Like... less hot."

Lily shrugs in his direction. "She dresses for work, for God's sake. Not for your delusional pornographic little fantasies."

Barney gapes at her. "Hey, hey," he says, placing a hand on his chest, looking at her in faux hurt, "Feelings."

Lily snorts. She leans forward, still squinting up at the screen. "And 'monkey playing ukulele'? I dunno, I think that's pretty stupendous..."

Ted wails. Actually wails. "Great, just great. What's the bet that I never see that woman again in my life? I'm never going to find the One! Never." he pauses, and glares at Barney. "This is all your fault, you rat bastard."

Barney laughs. "Ted, just how many drinks have you had?"

"Like... not a lot?" he pauses, and starts throwing fries at the others. "Shut up. I'm depressed."


Lily drags Barney and Ted into a coffee shop.

"How did you get us both to come?" Barney complains, shoving Ted around for emphasis.

Lily looks around, her eyes narrowing, and says, "Because I'm a way better con-artist than you take me for, Barney. That and Ted's still hungover." She gestures to Ted, who's pushing Barney away from him and grumbling while he pushes his extra-dark sunglasses back up his nose.

"Shut up," he says. "I was depressed."

"Why are we here, though? You don't drink coffee here. It's not even anywhere near your apartment." Barney points out.

Lily orders three coffees, and then ushers them over to seats. Barney scrunches his nose and says, "Hey Lil, that's alright. I've already had coffee. Imported stuff, none of this... sludge." He brushes his hands off on his suit as if mere talk of such unworthy coffee has left him dirty.

Then he stops talking, too preoccupied with the pretty cashier to care what Lily has to say anymore.

She snorts. "Not for you," she says. She flaps in Ted's direction, who looks like he's already passed out in his chair. "They're for Drinky McGee over there."

"Shut up," Ted moans. "I was depressed."

"Of course, sweetie."

Having noticed the chick was offering him glares that gave him no place to go, Barney turns back, "But seriously, why are we here? Are you finally going through your psychotic break? Oh, please tell me you're finally going through you're psychotic break!" he says.

Lily winks at him. "Oh, Barney, trust me. If I was anywhere near psychotic then I'd have an excuse to castrate you in your sleep."

"Jesus," Barney mutters, obviously horrified at the very thought, "That wouldn't be a very good excuse."

"It'd do."

Lily shoves two coffees at Ted (who doesn't respond) and starts sipping from hers. "And we're here because I may have done a little stalking last night,"

Barney bangs a hand against Ted's shoulder. He moans. "See? Psychotic break."

"Trust me, Barney. You do not want me going through my psychotic break."

She stops, and grins at him. He shudders.

She's still smiling as she shakes her head, "No, I just wanted to know a little more about her."

"About who?"

"That girl you met at the bar."

"So why are we here?"

Lily shrugs. "This is where she drinks her coffee."

"Oh my God. Should I grab Ted and get outta here before you pull a gun?"

Ted swats at him. "No. No," he says, "No pulling, no pushing, and for the love of God no grabbing."

Lily ignores Ted and glares flames at Barney. "Shut up."

Barney shakes his head, but he's smiling. "So how is Miss Lily and all her mighty lesbianess—"

"Seriously. I will pour this on you."

"—going to find this girl?"

Lily grins at him, tilting her head. "Watch and learn, Barney. Watch and learn."

She gets up suddenly, and swerves just in time to crash into somebody.

"Oh my God, I am so sorry—"

"Jesus Christ, that's hot—"

Lily bites down hard on her lip, but her eyes are twinkling. "I'm so sorry. Can I help?"

The woman shakes her head. "Uh, no, no. I'm just on my way back to work, I have a change of clothes there."

Lily nods. "Good, good. Say, Robin, where exactly do you work?"

Robin takes a step back, a dark eyebrow arching in question. "How do you know my name?"

"You... said it?"

Barney clucks his tongue, stands up, and walks over to the pair of women. "I can't watch this spectacle any longer," he says. He gestures to Lily, "This is Lily, and she's been stalking you."

Lily's eyes go big and she hisses, "Goddammit, you—"

Robin laughs. "Ah. I see," she says. "Hello again, dumbass."

Barney winks at her. "Hey there, baby."

Ted groans something from where he's sitting, "Lily, you're lucky she's like the only person who wouldn't call the cops on you..."

Robin peers past Lily and at Ted, eyes latching onto the man in the seat. "And who are you?"

Ted stands up, pouts, and extends his hand. "A hungover Ted Mosby. These are my freaks of friends."

She grins, shaking his hand. "Hey, hungover Ted Mosby." She says. "And I don't mind, really. I think your friends are..."

She trails off, and they all look at her expectantly. She laughs. "Well, I think they're all weird, which is just a polite way of saying crazy, but in a nice way. At least they're not the pervy kind." She pauses and gestures to Barney. "Except for him."

Ted smiles and cocks his head. "Oh, but you don't know Lily yet. Don't worry, stick around, and you'll learn."

Robin grins at him. "I just might do that."

She starts to pat down her dress, and sighs. "Well, I'm soaking over here, so I'd better leave." She leans past Barney and Lily and presses something into Ted's hand. "That's my card. Give me a call sometime. I'd quite like to know the extent of your friends' perviness."

She walks over to the door, and turns back just before opening it. "Goodbye, then," she says. She eyes Barney. "And just bye for you, dumbass."

Barney scowls. "The name's—"

She taps a finger to her nose and laughs. "Still don't want to know," she says, and exits, the bell chime tinkling after her.

Lily grins at the other two and throws her arms over their shoulders. "Well, my boys, I think we're going to like her."


My ego isn't too big yet, so if there are things that majorly suck about this, feel free to tell me. (Still be nice. It's still my baby and you don't go around mega-ragging on people's babies, right?)