Musings of a Soldier

Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if Alice had never found me. The thought of what I could have become sends chills through me, and yet it is what grounds me. Alice knows this as well as I. So, does Edward. It's hard not to stop myself thinking about it occasionally, but when I do Edward always seems to listen. He and Alice know all the dark workings of my thoughts and feelings as well as I can read other people's emotions.

I shall not say that my gift is an easy thing to bear. Yes, I am sure others wish that they could do what I do. Everything would seem so much easier. Not having to worry about how someone will react or having to wait for their response, because you could read it through their emotions. When I found out what I had become after my change, I rebelled as any soldier would if he found out that his liberty had been taken from him. After all, it was something I was fighting for when I was mortal. But then I realised that I had nothing to fight for. After all, who would dare fight a newborn vampire?

Time meant nothing to me. Years melted into one another, and immortality seemed a ...drain. Depression took over me and fed on me, numbing me like morphine. I fought and fed, and yet nothing satisfied me. Killing was just a ritual thing and feeding was...painful. There is nothing as agonizing as feeling your victims emotions right before they die. Every time I fed, a little bit of my sanity died along with the victim. I felt that I was slowly going mad.

Until Alice came along. She changed everything.

Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if Alice had never found me. But I am glad she did.

Eternity with her was the best thing that ever happened to me. She understood. She cared. And most of all, she loved me, unconditionally.

Some days I don't feel I deserve her. I feel that I am too blessed, too lucky. But wherever I go, she is there. As real and solid as anything I know and radiating the one emotion that I am only just getting used to feeling day in, day out.

Love.

And truly, I love her in return. My saviour. My guardian angel. My Alice.