Consider me Gone
I sat silently upon the bed I shared with my lover, eyes staring off to a spot only I could see. The gigantic bedroom was currently freezing, matching my mood and emotions quite perfectly as I absently plucked the corner of the red and gold comforter in a broken rhythm. I couldn't say how long I had been in this position, but as I felt the goosebumps on my forearms rise to an incredible height I called out for assistance.
"Jarvis, can you turn up the heat please?"
"Very good, Miss Flint. Will there be anything else?"
I thought for a long moment before answering, "Do you know when Tony will be back?"
"He is currently at the Orlando Fundraiser for the Theatrical Arts. Which does not end until later on this evening."
"That's fine. Could you let me know when he gets in please?"
"Yes, Madame."
"Thank you, Jarvis."
As the AI went silent once more, I let out a soft laugh and fell back onto the bed so that I was looking up at the ceiling. As the seconds ticked by my little chuckle became a full laugh that quickly turned boisterous, though there was no humor to be found in it. At this point it was either laugh or cry, and I choose to laugh my heart out.
I had been dating the infamous Tony Stark for the better part of five years now, but you'd hardly think we were a couple looking at us. When we had first started dating it was the perfect match- he was charming and his usual sexy self, and I was more than happy to go along for the ride. . . But now, the fire was gone.
Every time I tried to turn the conversation to something more than the weather or missions- I had joined the Avengers once my supernatural talents had been recognized- Tony closed up. And when I pressed deeper into why he was pushing me away, he'd merely say he didn't want to talk about it. I had given him more than enough time to come to me about the problem, but after months of holding my breath I was through.
I had given him the chance to explain himself without my prodding, and he hadn't taken it. I deserved an answer, and I was going to get it. I couldn't wait any longer. . . not when my life was going to change so drastically. I had to be sure of where Tony stood, otherwise I couldn't figure out my next move. I had to be prepared. . .
Finally my somewhat hysterical laughter subsided, and I once more gazed down at the small item in my left hand, letting the information once more sink in. As it I drowned in my misgivings, I felt a
single tear drip from the corner of my eye.
A red plus. . . the end and the beginning. . .
I raised my right hand to hesitantly touch my flat stomach, feeling fear of the unknown reach out once more to choke me. I had always wanted to have a family someday. . . but not like this. Not without knowing how the father felt, or if he'd even stand by me.
My left hand clenched hard around the pregnancy test, conviction springing to me as more tears came. Tonight I would know one way or another. Tonight, I would speak with Tony.
It was almost midnight when Tony finally got back to the Tower, but I had patiently waited. I had sat in his workroom, contemplating what I would say for several good hours, before Jarvis had let me know he had just made it in. I wasn't dressed fancy- my state of dress had once been a thing Tony enjoyed, but not anymore- and my hair had been pulled back into a modest ponytail to keep it out of my face.
As I heard the codes being clicked by well worn fingers, I took a deep breath. I wasn't going to beat around the bush. This was it. I couldn't waste anymore time with being concerned or waiting patiently. I needed an answer, and by thunder I was going to get one.
I watched from the shadows as the handsome billionaire walked over to his special snacks cupboard and poured himself a scotch. I waited until he had placed the decanter full of liquid down before I addressed him. It wouldn't do startling him into spilling it all over the floor.
"Welcome back."
Tony turned his head to look at me, and offered me a nod upon realizing who it was. "Hey babe. Why aren't you asleep? I thought you had to get up early tomorrow; technically today seeing as it's after twelve."
"I do." My face was devoid of the usual smile, and from the slight crinkle around Tony's eyes he had noticed. "But I had to talk to you before I turned in."
"It can't wait until tomorrow when we've both had some shut eye?"
"No, it can't."
Tony sighed but gestured for us both to take the seats at his worktable. When we had, he met my eyes- and I felt my heart clench at the familiar brown baby's twinkling at me. . . Babies . . . I felt like I was going to vomit from anxiety.
"So, what's on your mind, Jenny," he asked when I stayed quiet for too long. "You look like hell."
I laughed. "I feel like it. . ."
Tony waited and I felt my resolve once more slam me in the gut. I couldn't back down or pretend any longer. I had to know! So with a deep breath to calm my already shattered nerves, I began.
"I've been thinking a lot about our relationship Tony. . .We've been together for a long time now, but we've grown apart these last several months. . ."
When I started talking about our 'relationship', Tony's gaze had drifted away from mine, and though I knew he was listening, he wouldn't keep eye contact with me. This was something that I privately despaired in, though I pressed onward, outwardly unfazed.
"You've been avoiding the topic, and I'm tired of trying to read your mind. I've given you time to tell me what's wrong, and you haven't said a word. So I'm asking you now: D-Do we still have a relationship, Tony? Am I the one thing that you can't stand to lose?"
Tony looked at me steadily, but didn't say a word. When he continued to stare at me, deep in thought, I snapped.
"After all we've been through I think I deserve a strong shot of honesty, Anthony!" Then in a quieter, broken voice I said, "You at least owe me that much."
"You want the truth?"
More than anything! My mind cried, though I settled with a simple 'yes'. And finally I saw the guarded expression Tony had been wearing for months finally begin to slip. Where there had been some lasting affection all I saw was a impassive, smooth face. . . I knew that expression. . . I had seen it enough times when we were just friends to know what it meant, and I felt the remains of my heart crumble.
"No," he said calmly, without the slightest preamble. "You aren't the one thing I can't stand to lose."
My eyes closed painfully as the truth slammed down on me, and I fought back a sob. I had suspected as much for sometime now, but it didn't make it hurt any less. Though I had asked him to tell me, I wished more than anything that he hadn't. That I could take it back. But I couldn't, so I tried to reserve my reaction and forced myself to open my eyes. No tears left my eyes as I gazed at the man I loved, but internally I was crying harder than I ever had.
"It's that pretty blonde actress, isn't it?"
Tony nodded. "Elizabeth."
Though I wanted nothing more than to hate this beautiful blonde, blue eye siren; once he said her name I knew that I couldn't.
Tony loved this Elizabeth. He hadn't said so aloud, but I knew. Just from the way his mouth had quirked when he thought of her, and the way he had said her name. He had once said my name with adoration, but now I knew it had never been love. The passion and need and respect that was presented when he said that accursed name, was the most sincere thing I had ever heard Tony say, and I knew I had lost the battle most miserably.
"I'm sorry Jena," Tony said gently, though there was no true remorse in his voice. He had probably been waiting to tell me that we were done for quite sometime. He knew what he wanted and he was going after it, as he always did. "I didn't want you to get hurt, but Liz is-"
"Your girl," I supplied, with a mellow voice that I didn't know belonged to me.
Tony smiled, "Yeah, Liz is the girl I always wanted, but never knew I needed. I'm one lucky S.O.B."
I nodded once, before I slowly stood up from my seat. Though not before I acted on one last impulse.
Leaning down, I placed my lips to Tony's, putting all the love I held into it- though it was rather chaste- before I pulled back. I smiled at him softly, though I wanted nothing more than to collapse in a ball and cry.
"I wish you the best, Tony. I always have. . . And if this woman can give you that, then I'm happy for you."
"Thanks, beautiful. No hard feelings?"
I knew I was lying through my teeth, but I didn't care. "No, Tony. No hard feelings. I'm gotta go take care of something before bed. . . So I'll say goodnight."
He gave me that goofy grin that I had come to count on, and repeated the goodnight, before I turned on my heel and left, knowing that I had to leave the Tower as soon as I could pack my bags. I'd be gone before the sun rose, and I wouldn't look back.
My eyes were red and swollen, my cheeks pale and blotched from the countless tear stains, and my entire body was shaking. I sat in my car, parked outside a clinic that had yet to open, with a tormented mind. I had thought that I could get through this, but I had been wrong. So very, very wrong.
It had taken me an hour to pack all of my things, and gather myself enough to leave the Tower. My belongings had consisted of three bags: my purse and two large pull-alongs with all my clothes, pictures, shoes, and other sentimental items. I had shut the bedroom door behind me, and was in the process of sneaking out when I had caught sight of them. They were on the mammoth couch in the center of the Tower- I myself had dozed and hung out with my fellow Avengers on the beautiful leather many, many times. I wouldn't have stopped, if I hadn't realized who the two lovebirds were.
Tony's telltale brown hair stuck up over the top of the couch, and it was closely accompanied by a head of beautiful blonde. I stood in sorrowful silence as I watched them cuddling and kissing for what felt like an eternity, before I finally regained my senses and quietly crept to the exit. With one final look behind me I made my decision. Tony was happy. . . He could never know the secret I carried.
So here I currently sat, waiting for the special medical center to open and my worst nightmare to come true. I was an Avenger, but more importantly, I was alone. I couldn't raise a child on my own, and I sure as hell couldn't count on anyone to help me. So I waited. Hours upon hours of sitting and crying bitter tears, until the doors to the abortion clinic unlocked and I had the strength to get out of the car.
I felt my stomach and the remainder of my heart flip in fear and despair as I took my first steps inside, knowing that I couldn't turn back. So I wouldn't.
Consider me a memory, consider me the past.
Consider me a smile in an old photograph. Someone who used to make you laugh.
If I'm not the one thing you can't stand to lose - If I'm not that arrow to the heart of you
Then I guess we're done, let's not drag this on.
Consider me gone. . .
A/N: I'm quite proud of this story- seeing as it totally took me out of my comfort zone- though it was very hard to write. I personally don't believe in abortion or sexual intercourse before marriage, but this was very fun/emotional to write. Also, it's in first person (something that I hardly ever do) so I'm a tad bit nervous.
How did I do guys? Is this story good? Was Tony in-character? Did I demolish your feels and make you tear up? Please drop me some reviews and let me know! ^^
~Lyn
