I used poetic licence, having never visited one of the places in this story. Well, come to think of it, I haven't actually visited the Enterprise either…

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Sex VS

Coffee & Croissants

Chapter One

Beverly sat alone in the mess hall on the Enterprise E nursing her drink in one of the small private booths. The ship was not moving, they were stationary while Stellar Cartography mapped out the newly formed nebula outside. It was a spectacular sight, but Beverly wasn't interested in the view. She was furtively watching Jean-Luc Picard who sat at a table on the other side of the room, while he ate dinner with Nella Daren. She heaved a sigh and turned back to her drink and wondered why she tortured herself like this, night after night. It was bad enough that Jean-Luc was dating Nella again, but why she had to follow them to the mess hall every time she learned they were eating there together, she didn't know. It was with some kind of morbid fascination that made her sit there, watching Nella, analysing the easy way in which she talked, laughed and flirted with Jean-Luc. Every time she saw the way Nella casually brushed her fingers over Jean-Luc's hand, it felt as though someone had reached into Beverly's stomach and squeezed with all their might. What hurt more was how open he was being about this relationship. Of course, he and Nella weren't kissing in the corridors, but they were seen out together all the time.

Jean-Luc had never noticed Beverly sitting in her favourite corner booth. He was too wrapped up in Nella to realise that Beverly was in the mess hall every time he ate there in the evenings. He hadn't noticed that Beverly had disappeared from his life because he had someone new. He had someone to fill his life.

Beverly didn't. The void left in her life after Jean-Luc had gone was huge and Beverly felt like she was standing on the edge and that at any moment, she would fall in.

"Come with me," a voice said softly at her shoulder.

Beverly jumped; she hadn't even heard someone approach. Looking up, she was surprised to see Deanna Riker standing there. Deanna's inky eyes were filled with such compassion that Beverly, who had held on to her emotions for so long, suddenly felt on the verge of tears.

"Come on," Deanna said, holding out her hand.

Beverly's bottom lip trembled as she took Deanna's hand. Deanna led her friend out of the room, walking around the edge, careful to avoid anyone who would notice that the doctor was upset. Beverly firmly fixed her eyes on the carpet, relying on Deanna to guide them. They didn't speak; Deanna led her along, all the way to Beverly's quarters.

Once inside, Deanna sat Beverly on the couch.

"When did you get here?" Beverly asked softly. She had composed herself a little during the walk to her quarters.

"About ten minutes ago," Deanna said, sitting down beside her. "I have sent you about a million messages and you haven't replied to a single one. I got worried."

"I'm okay," Beverly answered in a small voice. "I've been meaning to get back to you. I've been busy."

"I didn't come all the way here for you to lie to me Beverly," Deanna said softly. "I know you; I know you wouldn't go to the new counsellor for help."

"I don't need help…" Beverly said, immediately on the defensive.

"Nella Darren is back," Deanna interrupted, holding up a hand. "Geordi told me. He called me Beverly. Geordi isn't the most observant person around here, especially where women are concerned and he called me to tell me you've not been yourself for a while. Why didn't you call me and tell me?"

"And say what?" Beverly asked, annoyed. "Jean-Luc's got a girlfriend? What can you do about it? What can anyone do about it? And Geordi should keep his nose out of my business."

Deanna waited, composing herself. "Geordi cares about you. He did the right thing. Now you mention it, why didn't you do something about it? Why didn't you talk to the captain?"

Beverly's head shot up and she glared at the counsellor. "What exactly was I supposed to say?" she asked angrily.

"Tell him how you feel?" Deanna winced as Beverly hurled a tirade of abuse, punctuated with plenty of swearwords, and a few Deanna hadn't even heard before.

"… and I didn't think it would last! She's been here for over ten months now!" Beverly finished.

Deanna let Beverly rant, absorbing Beverly's pain. "It might not last."

"She would never have left her old position as Head of Stellar Sciences at Starfleet HQ to take a demotion for the position here if it was just a fling! This is serious."

Deanna reached over and rubbed Beverly's forearm. Beverly yanked her arm away, standing up suddenly. She ran a shaky hand through her hair.

"Will told me that you'd applied for the position of CMO on the Titan," Deanna said slowly.

"I can't stay here," Beverly said quickly. "I have to go Deanna…"

Deanna was surprised when she realised Beverly had literally given up on the man she loved and would do anything just to get away. "This has to be a rash decision…"

"It is not rash. I've thought of nothing else for months," Beverly answered. She turned away from Deanna, lifting her hand to cover her mouth; she lost control and let out a sob. "I can't stay here… I just can't."

Deanna got up and wrapped Beverly in her arms, "It will be okay…"

"No it won't," the doctor answered. "I let this happen. I screwed everything up! He's all I ever wanted and I didn't do anything about it and now it's too late."

"You could try and tell him how you feel…" Deanna said softly.

Beverly pulled back and gave Deanna an incredulous look, "You're kidding!" she exclaimed. "You expect me to go to him and tell him right out of the blue that I love him? How would you feel if someone came to you and told you that after you married Will?"

"It's different," Deanna answered.

"How is it different?" Beverly demanded. "The only difference is he hasn't put a ring on Nella's finger."

"Not that," Deanna said patiently. "The captain has had feelings for you for decades. He wouldn't throw you out on your ear and certainly wouldn't dismiss you without hearing everything you have to say. Then he would have a serious decision to make."

"What, like who should he choose?" Beverly rolled her eyes. "The fake redhead who can play the piano exquisitely, who fascinates him with her musical talent, who is beautiful, witty, clever and who drops her panties within a week of meeting him! Alternatively, the redhead who he's known for years and has never once dropped anything for him! Not even a god damn sock!"

Deanna bit her lip to stop herself giggling at Beverly's choice of words, "The redhead who he has known for years, who is more beautiful than the other redhead and has aged better, witty, clever, mischievous, shrewd, savvy, strong, sexy… and some other cool things beginning with S. The redhead who teases him, makes him blush… makes him have rather exotic daydreams and night dreams. The redhead that can make his heart skip a beat with a smile and the redhead I suspect he fell in love with at first sight all those years ago."

Beverly shook her head, "How do you know I've aged better… You only saw the back of her head."

Deanna had to fight the urge to roll her eyes. "Stop putting yourself down. This isn't like you Beverly. You're normally the tough one who doesn't like to show anyone her weaknesses…" She could tell that Beverly's reaction was a combination of hurt, jealousy and anger.

Beverly took a deep breath, "It's a kick in the teeth for me that she's even a redhead… Not even a natural one," the doctor heaved a sad sigh. "It doesn't matter now. I'm sorry, but I can't walk in there and tell him how I feel when he is seeing someone else. It's not in me. I would never want to hurt someone like that. I can't bear the woman, but I would never intentionally hurt her or put her relationship in danger… I have morals. I would never put Jean-Luc in that position either."

"So instead you are going to run away?"

"I'm not running away," Beverly snapped. "I'm moving on. I just don't want to be near them. If I leave, I'll get over it sooner."

"I think you should stay, "Deanna said softly. "You're going to take away the one thing that will remind him who he truly loves."

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder right?" Beverly asked sarcastically.

"If he did decide to end his relationship with Nella for you, you wouldn't be with him."

"I would…" Beverly said hesitantly.

Deanna knew she was right. "No, you wouldn't. Don't deny it Beverly. If you were capable of being in a relationship with him now, why didn't you begin years ago? Why did you walk out the day you properly realised he loved you?" Deanna said, she paced the room thinking.

"I don't know…" Beverly softly answered.

"You're frightened of something… You always have been. You were the same with Ambassador Odan, but he was a different because he was new. You hadn't built up this…" Deanna frowned, trying to come up with the right words. "This whole…" she paused and started again. "Well Odan hadn't had the effect on your life that the captain has. You knew inside you would never be as hurt as you would be if something happened to Odan as you would be with the captain. You were able to let yourself go and fall in love. Odan came along and complimented the life you already had, the captain is your life. You and he live almost as husband and wife without the intimacy shared between lovers. When Odan's body died and when he left the ship, you were in pain, there is no doubt about that, but he didn't leave a gaping chasm in your life after he left."

Beverly heaved a sigh and sank down on the couch next to her friend. "Jean-Luc is here on this ship," she said softly. "He's still there where he has always been, but he's still managed to leave that chasm in my life," she swallowed, trying hard not to break down. "I don't see him anymore for breakfast or dinner. We don't spend hours on our days off on the holodeck having fun. We don't play chess or kal'toh together anymore. I don't accompany him to gatherings or functions. He doesn't come with me to watch plays in the ships theatre… It's like we've gotten divorced, only there were no fights and no one told me about it."

"And he's cheating on you and flaunting it in your face."

"Yeah," the doctor's simple word was full of agony.

Deanna watched Beverly's hands as she spoke; they were shaking as the doctor fought to maintain control of her emotions. The last time she and Beverly had spoken like this about Beverly's love life, Odan had been the man in question. Deanna could remember that encounter in Ten Forward, back on the Enterprise D, as if it were yesterday. She had never seen Beverly as vulnerable before or since as she had done that day until now.

"Deanna," Beverly said desperately, turning to face her friend. "Jean-Luc doesn't need me anymore. He has someone for all those things… he just doesn't need me anymore and he doesn't realise I still need him..."