"Anger Management"
By Loki Palmer
Author's Note: Harry Potter and all related characters belong to J.K. Rowling. I daresay this fanfic will be quite the hilarious one, eh? The inspiration for this is an episode of Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam, though the title I have chosen seems to suggest a movie with Adam Sandler and Jack Nicholson (a funny one, no doubt, and there are similarities between the two, but it is the first one that has inspired this dish). Enjoy!
Chapter 1
Hermione came up the stairs to the Gryffindor boys' dorm. "Loki? Loki, are you in there? Oh, great Merlin, Loki – you and Luna are snoozing in bed?"
"Well, where else did you think we would be?" said Luna.
Loki yawned like a bear coming out of hibernation, reached for his glasses, and blinked at Hermione. "What? Did I miss class, or breakfast?"
"Loki, it's the weekend, so you didn't miss class … breakfast is a different story, however. Now, if the both of you would like to get out of bed so you can have some breakfast – LOKI MICHAEL PALMER, WOULD YOU PLEASE PUT SOME CLOTHES ON FIRST?!"
Loki saw Hermione's blushing face and her hand covering her eyes. He looked down at his own body. "Oh … right … where did I put my underpants? Ah, thanks, Luna."
"Why don't you try going without them?" said Luna. "It can feel liberating to let your equipment breathe, you know."
"I don't doubt that, Luna, but it's for hygienic reasons."
"Fair enough, but don't knock it until you've tried it."
Loki leaned in Luna's direction. "Who says I haven't tried it, you naughty minx?"
Hermione could hear Luna yelp from a light smack he delivered to the backside. "Are the both of you decent, at least?"
"Quite so as far as I'm concerned, Hermione, though I don't know what I can say for my little Lulu here. Where's breakfast?"
"Harry and I saved some for you in the common room. Come get it before Ron can't resist the temptation anymore and eats it for you."
~ANGER MANAGEMENT~
"So, Harry, tell me this: why is your girlfriend waking us up at this time of morning?"
"Oh, you looked so peaceful, and I didn't want to wake you … but she just came up with a brilliant idea. When she told it to us, Ron said it was barking mad, but she said I know someone who can be the judge of that, and here you are."
Loki paused within his breakfast to swallow his most recent bite. "Well, within every genius lies the spark of a person who has gone off the deep end, right? In all the years we have known Hermione, she has sparked many brilliant ideas, but as far as barking mad goes, this one must take the cake. What is this brilliant, yet barking mad idea?"
"What if you and Luna were to go on our behalf to Voldemort with a wager?"
"Hmmm … intriguing … continue, please."
"We make an offer to him of one thousand million Galleons IF he can show himself to be a person of a stable temperament. You are to stay at Voldemort's as long as you like to see what kind of temperament he can have. For each outburst of anger he has, you get to deduct some money. If you determine he can have a stable temperament, whatever money is left becomes his. If he loses all the money, he and his Death Eaters give Harry an unconditional surrender."
Luna raised her hand. "What if he decides to torture us, or worse, kills us?"
"In those cases, he forfeits the whole lot. What do you think, Loki?"
Loki's eyes sparked with the joy of an amazing prank to come as his mouth put on a madman's grin. "I think it's genius. When do we start?"
Ron raised his hand. "I hate to rain on the parade, Loki, but what if Voldemort, or one of his Death Eaters, decides to kill you first and ask questions later?"
Loki scratched his hairy chin in some thought. "An interesting point, Ron, but how can they ask questions from a couple of corpses? No, I believe his curiosity would keep him from smiting me first. Why would his archenemy send a friend to parley with him? Allow me to rephrase a classic Muggle saying: Curiosity drove the cat mad … oh, hey, Crookshanks ..."
"Meow?" Crookshanks leaped into Loki's lap, butted his hand, and purred as Loki petted him.
"I stand by what I said, Loki: this plan is brilliant, but it is barking mad."
"This is why I am sending a barking madman to pull it off, Ron," said Hermione. "We never send a normal kid to pull off a madman's job."
"Hermione," said Harry, "you know I'm not normal."
"True, Harry, but you are Number One on Voldemort's hit list. I would go with the both of them to see how this turns out, but as I am your girlfriend, I guess I would be Number Two. As for Loki, he could care less whether he lives or dies –"
"– Although I prefer living, thank you very much –"
"– Thank you, Loki. I stand corrected. Even so, he remains the best person for this job."
"Why send Luna with him?"
Hermione rolled her eyes. "Try to keep up, Ron."
"I'm trying, but wouldn't this mean more worries for Loki defending her should the plan go sour?"
Luna pointed her glowing wand between his eyes. "Ron, I am not some damsel in distress who cannot defend herself, unlike a brilliant witch we all know and love."
"HEY!" said Hermione. "I'M NOT A DAMSEL IN DISTRESS EITHER!"
Luna glanced at Hermione. "Maybe not now, but what about that Troll in the bathroom during first year?"
As the Gryffindors laughed, Loki licked his finger to mark a point on an imaginary scoreboard.
Author's Note: Read and review! More hilarity to come later!
Smiles and laughter,
Loki Palmer
