Mise en Place

-A Touhou Project fanfic written by Achariyth

Disclaimer: Touhou Project belongs to ZUN and Team Shanghai Alice. I own nothing, and I will remove this work of fiction from any site I can upon a request from ZUN or his legal representatives. I also request that any site that posts this work agree to do the same.


Chapter 1: Lucky Peach

The knife scratched against stone. Mystia Lorelei peered down the blade, before testing the edge with her thumb. Satisfied, she slid her chef's knife into a thick wooden block set at the edge of her cooking counter. Rows of freshly chopped herbs lined the oversized cutting board; each spice in its own little box. Leeks, onions, and other fragrant vegetables filled bins on Mystia's left. As she dumped more potatoes into a drawer at her feet, she smiled. Her mise en place, the way ingredients and dishes were arranged around her cooking station, was as it should be; all was right in the world.

A cook's mise was important; as orders piled up, the ability to quickly locate spices, knives, and that cute little garnish for the pixie sized lamprey order spelled the difference between thriving and surviving in the kitchen. A clean, ordered mise was the sign of a clear, ordered mind. A disordered one signified impending disaster.

Cranking the wheel that spun blood and slime off of her lampreys, she opened the shutters just above the cooking counter. With a smile, she greeted the first of the evening customers. "Can I take your order?"

"One special, please," a cultured and demure voice said.

"Certainly," Mystia said, forcing a smile. Without looking, she pulled a thick paper from a drawer. Her hand shot out, slamming a paper ward onto Yuyuko Saigyouji's forehead. Pointing at the "No Ghosts" sign tacked onto her cart, the songbird screeched, "Go away!"

"Ow!" Yuyuko whimpered, batting at the paper on her head. The Princess of the White Jade Tower pouted, ignoring the faint blue flames that surrounded her. "There's no need to be so unfriendly. All I wanted was the best lampreys around."

"You should have thought about that before you ate me," Mystia snapped, brandishing her chef's knife. She reached for another of Sanae's paper charms, spilling bins in the process.

"It was just one little mistake," Yuyuko sighed dejectedly. She caught the night sparrow's eyes and pleaded, "Can't you forgive me?"

"Not until the world stops turning," Mystia said, hurling another charm at the ghostly princess. The paper passed through Yuyuko as she faded away. "And don't think you can send Youmu here either. The ghost rule applies to her too."

The songbird panted, draining a small metal flask as the knife slipped back into its block. Tiding up her workspace, Mystia shook her head at the overturned spice bins. At least those herbs were cheap. Gods help her if she had spilled her saffron. Washing her face, she forced a smile. "Can I help you?" she greeted the next customer.

"Certainly," a light and elegant voice said. Mystia opened her eyes and froze. Keine Kamishirasawa smiled at her. Elegant and beautiful, the historian had recently made news by opening a restaurant with her long-time partner, Duchess Mokou Fujiwara. "I'm looking for a new head chef. Can we talk?"

"Hey, I'm hungry here," a surly tengu yelled.

"Sorry," Keine called over her shoulder. "I'll come back after the rush."


As the line finally dwindled to nothing and the sun began to set, Mystia quenched the fire underneath the grill. Splashing water on her face, she adjusted her clothes. While it was too late to make a good first impression, thanks to all that time hanging out with Cirno, she could at least make a proper impression as a chef. "So-"

"You know, this is good!" Mokou said, crunching on a skewered lamprey. The last of the fish disappeared, and the phoenix girl licked at the fat dripping down her fingers. "I mean it's really, really good!"

Keine shot her a glare and threw a napkin at Mokou. "I'm sorry about my friend's manners," the teacher said nervously.

"But that's the good part," Mokou protested, wiping her hands clean.

"You bought a triple order of lamprey with sides of fries and rice balls," Mystia said, shrugging. "That's manners enough." Not asking for a free meal was huge; no cook that handed out complementary meals on a regular basis ever stayed in business long.

"It's the least we could do," Keine said.

"You mentioned a job offer," Mystia said, her eyes narrowing. "Why me?"

Another skewer disappeared into Mokou's mouth. "Really, really, really good."

"We get the point," Keine groaned, rolling her eyes. "Our previous chef left us, and you were recommended to us."

"It was a short list," Mokou said, before draining a clay mug.

"Something like that," Keine laughed.

"No one else will-" Mokou said, wincing as Keine drove a heavy shoe into her foot.

"No one else came to mind," Keine said sweetly, grinding her foot against Mokou's.

Mystia leaned against the barrel, swiping a fry off of Mokou's plate. "So, tell me about your restaurant."

Keine smiled. "How about we show you instead?"


The trio stood outside a wood and paper walled building fit for a high Japanese noble. Mystia suddenly felt underdressed despite Keine's pleasant reassurances and Mokou's complete indifference to propriety. The chef hoped for a modern kitchen; one stray flame and the building would turn to ash.

"Welcome to Maya," Keine said with a graceful flourish towards the restaurant's doors.

"Maya?" Mystia blinked as Mokou ushered her inside. "That sounds a little plain." She walked into a room filled with simple yet beautiful wooden tables and chairs. Unlike the Eastern exterior, the interior was pure West.

"It means 'Veil of Illusion,'" Keine said, stepping next to the night sparrow. She waved at a mural. From one side, a Chinese dragon could be seen, and a lion from the other direction. "What do you think?"

"Nice," Mystia trailed. As impressive as the dining room's elegant simplicity might be, Mokou and Keine would be paying her to cook. She would not be seeing much of it. "Where's the floor?"

Keine blinked. "Oh, the wait staff?" She trailed off, looking at Mokou for help.

"They asked for time off," Mokou said smoothly as she settled behind the glass bar. Opening a wine bottle with a pop of a cork, the phoenix girl poured a drink. "We'll have them after we hire a chef. Want a glass?"

Mystia waved away the offered drink. Best to be sober; she could avoid being blindsided by a competing con that way. "Where would I be working?" she said, and then held up a finger before a beaming Keine could speak. "If I say 'yes.'"

The historian laughed. "This way," she said, gliding towards an alcove at the end of the bar. Mystia followed, rounding the corner.

Burnished steel counters glowed under the overhead lights. An impressive array of pots and pans lined the prep stations. The songbird breathed a sigh of relief at seeing ovens, griddles, and ranges. No sign of giant open flames waiting to burn the place down. The kitchen seemed spacious and cool, almost comfortable, yet Mystia knew that illusion would not last. Once five or six bustling line cooks filled the room with the rambunctious commotion and searing flame that a night's cooking required, the room would become a moving maze of steel and flesh, sharp knives and ever-oppressive heat.

You had to be crazy to love it. Well, Mystia did hang around Cirno…

Keine stepped out of the chef's way as she moved from prep station to prep station, examining pots, reach-in fridges and freezers, and even the sharpness of the knives.

"A scale? Really?" Mystia said. The offending object hung from her fingertips.

"For the dessert chef," Keine said, eyeing the songbird with a wry smile. Mokou slipped into the kitchen, draining the last of her drink.

"I knew that," Mystia said, turning to hide the pink in her cheeks. She reached into a freezer under a counter and frowned. "So where's the food? I haven't seen a single ingredient."

"When our chef left, we put everything into the walk-ins," Mokou said, setting the wineglass down on a steel counter.

"Could you show me?" Mystia said. "I'd like to see what I might be working with."

Keine and Mokou looked at each other and grinned. "I think you'll be pleased," the elegant historian said.

"This way," the phoenix girl said, motioning toward the songbird. She threw open a large metal door, and a wave of cold air hit Mystia. Shivering, her feathers stood on end. The night sparrow prayed she didn't look like a puffball. But as she stepped into the freezer, her eyes snapped wide and her jaw dropped.

"You okay?" Mokou said, waving a hand in front of Mystia's eyes.

The chef stood transfixed. The shelves were filled with fish. Scarlet Chilean sea bass longer than her wingspan, giant sides of tuna, halibut, salted cod, ray-like skates, wild salmon, red snapper, giant prawns, the tasty but repulsive looking monkfish, even the all too familiar lampreys. Hundreds of kilograms of fish, all arranged precisely in the freezer.

Finally able to move, Mystia leaned over the stunning sea bass and inhaled deeply. Not a single whiff of fish met her nostrils. The songbird squealed in delight.

"We buy only the best from Iku," Mokou said, smiling as she leaned against the entryway.

"I can tell," the chef stammered. Fish without the smell could only come from fresh high-quality catches. Sea bass, salmon, even swordfish, Mystia had long wanted to work with ocean fish but never expected that she would. Gensokyo was far enough from the sea that most of its residents had never seen the ocean even once in their lives. While Iku did make deliveries from the sea, her fares were too expensive for a modest little lamprey cart. She looked again at the massive yet sleek sea bass, her mouth watering. Turning around to face Mokou and Keine, Mystia shrieked:

"I'll do it!"

Keine and Mokou smiled at each other. "Can you start tomorrow?" the were-hakutaku asked.


Mystia sang softly as she buttoned up her chef's whites. Looking out over her new kitchen filled with all manner of pots, pans, and delicious ingredients that she had never dared to think about ordering while she traveled with her cart, she smiled, twirling in circles. A loud booming knock at the back door snapped the night sparrow out of her reverie. Hopefully the first of the pre-dawn deliveries would be waiting at the door.

"Hey, Mysty!" Suika Ibuki greeted her, as the chef opened the door. She raised her hands, showing off the half-dozen gourds. An alcohol vendor to various eateries in Gensokyo, she sold off her infinite supply of booze. While booze might be free, party food was not. "I've got your spirits delivery. Got a little for cooking, and a whole lot for after-hours."

Mystia's smile grew wider. "That's just the thing I needed for tonight's special." Alcohol made for a wonderful marinade and not just for food. Spirits flowed liberally when the cooks inevitably gathered after hours to complain about the miseries of kitchen life.

Suika handed the gourds over to the chef, and then held her hand out. She rubbed her fingers together expectantly. "Forgetting something?"

The night sparrow recoiled, setting the gourds down inside the restaurant. "You've always given me credit."

Suika shook her head. "I've always given Mystia Lorelei credit; she's always been good for her bills. But you've got to be nuts to think that I'm giving credit to Lady Fujiwara."

Mystia winced. The amount of credit that vendors like Suika offered indicated their confidence in a restaurant's chances of survival. That Suika insisted on cash on delivery suggested Mokou's restaurant would be best served by euthanasia. "What didn't Mokou and Keine tell me?"

"Lady Houraisan's Bamboo Child is your competition, and she swore to run Lady Fujiwara out of business and into servitude. She's doing a great job at it too," Suika said, shrugging. "Honey, you've climbed aboard a sinking ship."

Mystia pursed her lips as she thought. "One week's credit for old time's sake?"

Suika laughed. "I shouldn't give you one hour's credit, friend or not."

The night sparrow practically glowed with confidence. "So, give me a day's credit instead."

"Promise me you won't sell your cart, and you've got a deal," Suika said, lowering her hand. She dug out an invoice and handed it over.

"Got it. I'll just have the dishwashers pick these up, and get back to work," Mystia said, signing the paper.

"Oh, honey, they really didn't tell you anything. When do you open?" Suika said, shaking her head as she collected the invoice.

"Six hours," Mystia froze, but her smile never wavered.

The oni shook her head. "I should have never agreed to give you credit. You really should have talked to me before you agreed to this fiasco."

"No dishwashers. What else don't I have?"

"Lady Houraisan ran or hired off the entire kitchen."

"Well, I've got a spot for a bartender. You interested?" Mystia practically sang, oozing confidence.

"If you're still open in a week, I'll think about it."

"So I'll expect you next Saturday. Five PM sharp."

Suika laughed as she walked away. "Good luck, Chef Mystia. You're going to need it. Don't forget, Tewi's playing for the other team." Tewi's manipulation of luck was legendary, as was her capriciousness.

"I've always wanted to make a rabbit special," Mystia said as she closed the door. Her face fell as she turned around and slid down the door. "Where the hell am I going to find an entire staff in less than six hours?"


As the last pink of sunrise turned to blue, Wriggle Nightbug sat in a dewy field, laughing as ladybugs and dragonflies fluttered in circles around her. Mystia loved to see her friend enjoying herself; she just hated what would happen next.

"Hey, Wriggle," she called out, walking towards the firefly queen.

Wriggle startled and her ladybug and butterfly attendants flew into hiding. "No, wait!" she said, reaching for the insects. As the last fluttered away, she stood, planting her hands on her hips. "You scared them, you, you… bug eater!"

Mystia rolled her eyes at that. Yes, sparrows did eat insects, but she found fish to be far tastier. "I need to talk to you."

"After how you scared my friends away, I don't want to," Wriggle said, pouting.

"I've got a job for you," Mystia said with a lilt.

The firefly's eyes widened and she spun away from the chef. "Leave me alone!" she shouted as she ran away. The songbird groaned as she grabbed the edge of the insect queen's cloak. "Let go!" Wriggle said, squirming against the sparrow's grip.

"Calm down," Mystia said, smiling sweetly.

"I know that smile," Wriggle said, ripping her cloak free with her hands. The bug's eyes narrowed. "You're not getting me into a frilly dress again." One of Cirno's scams had needed a girly-girl for some reason and, thanks to Mystia's deft fingers, tomboyish Wriggle had drawn the short straw.

"Relax. Want to make some money for a change?"

"You're still not getting me into a frilly dress," Wriggle protested, her arms crossed.

"No, I was thinking a white jacket this time," the sparrow said, flashing a winning smile.

Wriggle blinked, dumbfounded. After she found her voice, she said, "Like a chef's?"

"A sous-chef to be precise," Mystia said, using the title for the head chef's second in charge. She held her arms out. "What do you say? It'll be like Butch and Sundance together again. Lupin and Jigan. Thelma and Louise…"

The firefly's eyes narrowed. "I'm not driving off a cliff with you."

"Whatever, it's not like we can't both fly," Mystia said, laughing.

"I didn't think your cart was doing quite that well," Wriggle said, before Mystia told her about Mokou and Keine's job offer. The insect queen shook her head and pointed to her antennae. "Just one problem. I'm a bug. No health inspector'll let me anywhere near a dining room, much less a kitchen."

Mystia let out a huge belly-laugh. "I think I've got that covered."


Kotohime sat at her desk, filing papers. As Gensokyo's self-appointed police chief and health inspector, she shouldered a heavy workload. Normally, she considered it a small price to pay for the public's safety, but right now she wished for less paperwork. It seemed to multiply like rabbits on her desk. The princess swore that a third stack of papers mysterious appeared when she had her head turned. She tugged at her collar. When did it get so hot in her office?

Her door flew open, sped along the way by a powerful kick. Mokou Fujiwara stepped into the room, flames whipping around her body in a frenzy. A predatory smile crossed her lips as she cracked her knuckles. "Let me tell you how it will be…"


Wriggle and Mystia sat in the middle of the field, huddled over a sheet of paper. Occasionally, Wriggle would write a new name in a flowery script.

"So who do we have?" the sparrow said. She squinted at the list, turning her head at odd angles.

"Sakuya?" Wriggled said, tapping on the maid's name with a wooden fountain pen.

"Remilia would kill us," Mystia said, shaking her head. "No, really. Sakuya's got the non-compete clause from Hell. If she works anywhere but the Scarlet Devil Mansion, her new employers become vampire snacks."

Wriggle winced, scratching a line through Sakuya's name. "How about Kasen?"

Mystia's eyes shone. "She'd be a classy addition. Too bad she's a hermit. Koishi?"

"No one's seen her for days."

"Yamame?"

Wriggle made a moue of disgust. "Dead."

"Really?" Mystia said. "When?"

"Yesterday."

"Was it Reimu?" Mystia asked. Wriggle just nodded and sighed. "Any idea when she'll revive?"

"Hello, she's a spider youkai," Wriggle said. "Do you think I want to be around her when she wakes up hungry? I want to make dinner, not be it."

Mystia sighed, scowling at the list in Wriggle's hand. "So, that leaves the usual suspects. Let's go get them."


Rumia sat against an ancient tree sitting on the road to the Scarlet Devil Mansion, groaning. A makeshift sling held her arm, her dress was in tatters, and scratches marred her doll-like skin. She looked up at Mystia and Wriggle.

"So I can eat all the meat I want, I don't have to chase humans, and Reimu won't beat me up for no reason?" she asked hopefully, her eyes shimmering in the sunlight.

Mystia smiled as she held a hand out to her youkai friend. "Yes." She paused, considering her words. "Well, I can't guarantee the last."

Next to her, Wriggle shrugged. "It is Reimu, after all."

Rumia pursed her lips, grabbed the sparrow's hand, and pulled herself to her feet. "And all I have to do is chop and cook yummy meat? Count me in!"


"Just think of the money," Wriggle said, shivering inside Cirno's makeshift igloo.

"You won't just be the strongest fairy; you'll be the richest, too," Mystia added, wrapping the scarf around her neck tighter. "Just think of what you could do."

"I can do shaved ice," Cirno said, hovering in the air. Her ice-flavored shaved ice had been something less than a best seller at the last festival, but the ice fairy's enthusiasm never waned.

"Let me worry about the menu," Mystia said. "Just make the desserts, we'll pay you, and we'll party and scheme after work and late into the night."

"Count me in," Cirno said, beaming.

"C-can we go?" Wriggle said, her teeth chattering. "My hibernation reflex is about to kick in."


Shielding her eyes from the mid-morning sun, Mystia sang softly as she hammered the last nail into a sign by the entryway. Stepping back, she looked at her work and smiled, handing the hammer to Rumia.

"'No ghosts allowed,'" the shadow youkai read. "Is that so?"

"As long as I'm head chef," Mystia said, opening Maya's door.

"Mysty!" Wriggle shouted as she ran out, nearly running over the songbird. "Where's the waitresses? Where's the dishwashers? We open in an hour!"

The head chef slapped her forehead. "I forgot about the dishwashers!"

Rumia asked, "What about the waitresses?"

"Keine and Mokou can be the floor for all I care," Mystia said, shaking her head. Her cheeks glowed red. "I can't believe I was that stupid."

"Who tells Keine?" Rumia asked, deep in thought.

Wriggle shrugged, looking Mystia in the eyes. "Leadership takes responsibility, Head Chef"

The night sparrow slumped against the wall and sighed. "Fine."


"What do you mean 'we're closed'?" Keine shouted. She stood up slamming her hands against the top of her desk.

"We don't have the people. I barely have a kitchen, but we still don't have runners, bartenders, waitresses," Mystia said as calmly as she could manage and winced. "Or dishwashers."

The were-hakutaku flashed a look at the duchess lounging in the only chair in the closet that doubled as Keine's office. Mokou sat up straight and shook her head vigorously. "No way! You know what happens when you put me in a skirt!" Mystia watched the phoenix girl shudder. "Last time I had five marriage proposals in an hour. In an hour, Keine."

"You do realize if Kaguya gets her way, you'll be lucky to have a skirt?" Keine said.

"What does Kaguya have to do with this?" Mystia said. Her eyes narrowed as Keine laughed nervously. So Suika was telling the truth.

"It's a private wager," Mokou said, grimacing.

"Whatever. I still need more staff," the head chef grumbled. "Look, we're not closed down for good, only for lunch. If you can find me two bodies-"

"We've already called in all of our favors," Keine said, slipping back into her seat.

"Is Kaguya the reason why we don't have any staff?" Mystia knew the answer; she just wanted to hear it from Keine's lips.

"That no-good cheating lying dish-throwing nutcase," Mokou muttered, still shuddering.

"Something like that," Keine said.

The songbird choked back a sigh. "Fine. I'll find our two 'volunteers.' I really should be in the kitchen, though."

"How are you going to do that?"

"I'll shanghai them if I need to," Mystia said, halfway through the door. As she left, the head chef could hear Mokou ask Keine:

"Wait, she's getting Alice?"

""I thought there'd be more yelling," Wriggle said, appearing out of nowhere to fall in step with Mystia. The firefly grinned as her friend jumped.

"Where were you hiding?" the sparrow said, holding her heart. Wriggle pointed to where a darker than normal shadow filled a nearby corner. Rumia and Cirno stepped out, grinning.

"So what are we going to do, Chef?" the ice fairy asked as she hovered in the hallway.

Mystia thought as she walked. Stepping into the kitchen, she saw a single peach sitting on Wriggle's counter. The chef's eyes widened and she almost burst into song. A hand clamped on her mouth.

"Sorry, Mysty, I don't want to go blind right now," Wriggle said, holding her hand against the songbird's face. Mystia rolled her eyes and huffed. The firefly let go. "So, what's the scheme?"

"We're going to pull a Lucky Peach," Mystia said. Empty stares greeted her pronouncement. "Rumia, Cirno, get my cart and set it and a bunch of tables and chairs neatly outside. Wriggle, I need you to come with me and write down the new menu."

"And what are you going to do?" Cirno asked.

"I'm going to get us some help," Mystia said. "In the meantime, let's get ready to open for dinner."

As Rumia and Cirno left, Wriggle leaned in towards Mystia. "How are you going to do that?" the sous-chef said, sotto voce, so that no one else could here.

"Beats me. I'm making this up as I go along."


Suwako Moriya sat out on the Whiterock Creamery's patio, shoveling huge bites of Letty's infamous "Genocide by Chocolate" dessert into her mouth. Even the sight of that ice pest's bird and bug friends lurking in the nearby bushes couldn't dampen the sugary ecstasy of chocolate after lunch. Not for the first time, Suwako wondered how she had survived all those centuries without chocolate.

"Do you miss anything from the old world?" Sanae Kochiya asked from across the glass table. The wind priestess had chosen a small strawberry parfait. Mortals still had to worry about getting fat.

"I have faith. Oh, and chocolate," the earth goddess said. "I'm pretty much set."

"Sometimes, I miss the oddest things," Sanae said. "Like working."

Suwako paused, glowering until another bite of chocolate crossed her lips. "What, at that dive?" Was she mistaken, or did that bird suddenly perk up?

"It wasn't the food," Sanae said, laughing. "Although it wasn't too bad. I just miss talking to all sorts of people."

"You still do that here."

"Everyone here's pretty much similar. There were more types of people when I was waitressing-"

"Did she say 'waitress?'" the bug said.

"Get her!" the bird shouted. The ice pest's lackeys tackled Sanae to the ground. The bug sat on the priestess's back, while the bird tossed a restaurant flyer onto the table and bowed. "Thank you for letting us borrow Sanae. We'll take good care of her."

"Suwako, help!" Sanae shrieked, squirming as her captors lifted her overhead.

The goddess looked at the flyer and nodded. "You just told me that you missed waitressing. Have fun," Suwako said, waving as Sanae disappeared down the road. Normally, the earth goddess would be worried, but she was certain that she could curse the ice pest's friends into next year with very little effort. Besides, getting shanghaied by youkai might teach Sanae some much needed humility. Or it would send her off on a youkai-smiting rampage.

Either way, the result should be amusing.


Mystia panted as she rested her hand on the mammoth trunk of the largest tree in the Forest of Magic. "Remind me why we're out here."

Wriggle walked a circle around the tree. "Because you thought Alice's house was out this way instead of listening to me."

The sparrow looked for a rock to through at the Nightbug in her ear. She found a suitable pebble, but the stone was too far away. "Do we really need her? This seems like way too much effort for an almost certain 'No.'"

"Her dolls would solve our missing waitress and dishwasher problem, saving us money," Wriggle said. "And have you seen her when she's not putting on that tough girl act? We'll have guys lined up for kilometers."

"Why not get Okuu then?"

"One birdbrain in the restaurant is enough."

Mystia rolled her eyes. "Whatever. You do realize we've got a restaurant to open soon. If we can't find her-"

"Oh, you're Cirno's friends, right?" a golden-haired fairy said, dropping down in front of Mystia with a wide smile. The songbird recognized that smile; it made her want to check to make sure her coin purse wasn't missing.

"Sunny, right?" Mystia said, flashing a smile at Wriggle.

"Where are your friends?" the sous-chef asked. Fairies naturally grouped in flights, so if you saw one, others would be hiding nearby, scheming and plotting.

Sunny Milk raised her hand high into the air. Instantly, like a veil dropping, Luna Child and Star Sapphire appeared between the chefs; the latter fairy reaching for Mystia's coin purse.

The starlight fairy looked up at her mark, smiling wanly as she froze. "You have pretty wings."

"Thanks," Mystia said, smiling serenely. The songbird slapped Star's hand away and then bopped her on the head.

"Ow!" the fairy of starlight said, covering her head.

Luna and Sunny watched, amazed and with smiles dancing across their faces. Someone had actually managed to catch slippery little Star in the act for once. The two fairies suppressed giggles for a brief moment before falling to the ground, laughing.

"Now that that's over with," Mystia said, blowing on her knuckles. "We were looking for you." The songbird ignored Wriggle's sudden incredulous look. "Cirno recommended you. I've got some restaurant jobs you three would be perfect for. We'll pay you and feed you."

"We have coffee," Wriggle said smoothly, leveling her best winning smile at Luna.

Her eyes shining, the fairy of moonlight grabbed Wriggle's hands. "Take me with you."

"Luna!" Sunny protested. Turning towards Mystia, she said, "I'm the leader here and I say-" The sunlight fairy's eyes were drawn to the stack of yen the chef flourished into a wide fan. "Yes!"


Sunny and Luna both scowled as they scrubbed dishes in sudsy hot water up to their elbows. "'Perfect job,' she said," Luna snarled, loading another gleaming dish into the drying rack.

"Yeah, as dishwashers," Sunny sighed, groping in the water for silverware. "And Star gets to wait tables. It's unfair!" An arm draped across the fairy's shoulder.

"Yes, it is," Mystia purred, pulling a wide-eyed Sunny close. "Because good little dishwashers that work hard might just learn how to cook from the head chef herself and become line cooks, while all good waitresses get to look forward to is another day full of loud, pushy, angry customers and screaming kids." The hand chef mussed Sunny's hair before letting her go. "Now what did we just learn?"

"Don't try to take Chef Mysty's money?" Luna said, meekly.

Mystia opened her mouth but stopped to think for a moment. "Close enough." She walked around the corner, pausing just long enough to hear Sunny speak.

"Wow, Star got screwed again."

The songbird laughed into her hand, and headed into the kitchen, colliding with something unseen. "Ow!"

"Chef," Cirno said, clutching Mystia's apron. Sweat rolled down the fairy's brow. "Please, I need an ice break."

"Take five," Mystia said. She scrambled out of the way as Cirno encased herself inside a pillar of ice.

"Ahhh…" Cirno said, smiling

"Go outside next time!" Mystia yelled, shaking her head as she walked away. She stopped and stared at Rumia as the shadow youkai walked by with a plump fish almost as big as herself. A tag with the words, "Rumia's fishie" hung from one of the fins.

"Hi, Chef," Rumia said, beaming.

"Put that back!" Mystia squawked. "Now!"

"You said I could eat all the meat I wanted," Rumia pouted.

"Not from our most expensive fish," the head chef said, watching as Rumia's eyes teared up. "Put it back and I promise I'll make it up to you later."

The shadow youkai waddled back towards the walk-in fridge. "Bye bye, fishie."

The songbird finally made it to her station, making slight adjustments to her mise. Plating a set of clear jelly-like cubes, she drizzled apricot juice over the dish before setting a single coin-sized circle of fruit atop each cube.

"Chef!" a voice demanded. Mystia spun around, banging her elbow against the counter. Apricots and fruit juice showered her mise. Sanae stood in front of her, hands planted firmly on her hips. "I don't appreciate being press-ganged into-"

The head chef rolled her eyes and turned around. Sliding a single cube of fish marrow and apricot onto a spoon, she tuned out the waitress's rant as best as she could.

"-are you even listening to me? I swear, I don't know why I'm even here-"

"Open wide," the sparrow said, slipping the spoon into Sanae's mouth. She watched in satisfaction as the priestess's eyes widened and a blissful smile lit up her face. "Anything else?"

Sanae shook her head and swallowed. "I'll just get back to work."

"Thank you." Mystia said, scrubbing her counter clean with a thick white dish towel.

"Mystia!"

The chef threw her towel into the hamper and spun around. Why did distractions always seem to pile up in the last hour before opening? Forcing a smile, she said, "Yes, Mokou?"

The phoenix girl held up a hastily printed menu. Pointing towards the text, she glowered at her chef. "What's with this menu?"

"Look around," the night sparrow said, sighing. "No one else here's a professional yet. I need something simple while I train the girls."

"I know that," Mokou snapped. The immortal girl read from the menu. "'Grilled Lampreys - Try some for good eyesight.' You're not pulling that scam here, got that?"

"How'd that get there?" Mystia said, feigning innocence. So she had used her powers over night-blindness to sell a ton of fish as a cure, big deal.

The duchess tried to stare her chef down. "No funny business. Am I clear about that?"

"Clear as glass," the songbird chirped. But there were so many types of glass…

"Enough about that," Keine said as she stormed in. Mokou rolled her eyes and walked off in a huff. "What the hell is a Noodle Bar?"

Mystia closed her eyes and took in deep breaths. Her hands crushed and twisted the edge of her apron. "We don't have the staff we need for the dining hall yet, so I had Rumia, Cirno, and Sanae whip up something on the patio."

"Maya doesn't have a patio."

"And it still doesn't," Mystia said. "It has the Maya Noodle Bar outside, which will be open until we can hire and train the staff we need for the mother restaurant. Think of it as customers paying us to train."

"And after Maya reopens?"

"We'll have two successful restaurants served by one kitchen."

"I'd settle for just one. Mine," Keine said, and then sighed. "Look, just clear it with me next time."

Mystia blinked. "Just like that?"

"I like the idea of getting paid," Keine said. "I noticed your menu is a little light on noodles for a noodle bar."

"Wriggle's cooking up some yakamein right now," Mystia said, pointing the giant pot bubbling away at the firefly's station.

"Smells different. Is it Chinese?"

"Cajun. Want to try some?" Mystia said, ladling the noodle soup into a bowl. "Let me know what you think." The songbird breathed a sigh of relief as her boss walked away, a cup of noodles in her hand. What else would go wrong?


Rice cakes roasted at Mystia's station while she cleaned the last of the mushrooms for her next dish. Rolling the fungi in olive oil, she dropped them into a heated pan and then sprayed sake infused with fresh garlic over them. As she turned the rice cakes over, she looked around at the other cooks' stations.

Rumia grilled fresh shrimp in a pan, singing softly to herself. "I'm going to eat you, little fishie, because I like eating fish." One in thirty shrimp found its way into Rumia's stomach; the songbird would deal with that later. Maybe Iku could deliver something special daily for the shadow youkai.

In addition to watching the pot of New Orleans' Old Sober, Wriggle cut potatoes into the wedges needed for potatoes bravas, a fried potato dish. Next to her sat a vat of freshly squeezed lime juice waiting for the night's first order of ceviche. The firefly handled her knife precisely. Mystia had trained her to cook whenever the health inspector wasn't looking. Unfortunately, Kotohime had developed a taste for grilled lamprey.

Who knew what Cirno was doing with that milk and cereal. Looking like a devilish child on the verge of a sugar rush, the ice fairy examined one of a series of pastel-colored milk bottles. Mystia shook her head; she wasn't paying Cirno to be an artiste. Hopefully Cirno learned something at the Whiterock Creamery. Out of the corner of her eye, Mystia watched as Sunny and Luna passed around a bottle of rose-colored milk, content smiles on their faces. Maybe Letty had shown Cirno a thing or two.

All things considered, her kitchen was as ready as it could be. Hopefully Keine and Mokou had done their part in drawing customers, or Mystia was just running an expensive cooking school for her friends. Maybe Suika was right; this did feel like a sinking ship. Rolling the mushrooms around in the pan, she said a quick prayer to whatever unknown goddess it was who watched over cooks and doomed souls.

"Order!" Sanae yelled as she burst into the kitchen, hanging a ticket on a long slide. "I've gotta deuce wanting prawn and bacon brochettes and potatoes bravas. I also gotta four-top-"

"Order!" Star hollered as she flew around the wind priestess. "Anchovy and pepper skewers-"

Mystia smiled as the slide started to fill up with tickets and then panicked when she saw how quickly the orders piled up. Had Keine marched Mokou through the streets naked? It'd take some deft cooking not to get lost in the weeds tonight, but it beat the alternative.


Tewi Inaba huddled into her chef's whites, nursing a round of vodka and beer with her companions. "La puta vida," she slurred in a horrible farce of a Parisian accent that did not match the Spanish. "This life, she's a bitch." The rabbits at her table drained their drinks. After the kitchens closed and midnight was nothing more than a memory, they were regulars at Miko Toyosatomimi's bar, like most of the chefs in Gensokyo.

Reisen Udongein Inaba frowned. "Watch your mouth," she scolded, crossing her arms beneath the Bamboo Child logo on her whites.

"It's true," Yukimi said. The white-faired earth rabbit flashed two fingers at the fairy waitress flittering by. "Few customers, little pay, and I still don't know how Long Ears got lost in the weeds."

"Switch stations with me tomorrow and find out," Reisen snapped. Her produce station was the only one to get backed up all day. She ripped a glass from the fairy's serving tray and drained the contents in one pull. "Another."

"Take it easy," the waitress said, shaking her head as she served the remaining drinks. "Lady Miko-"

"-can come down here and scold me herself," Reisen said. The hare's eyes glowed red as she pointed to the entrance. "In the mean time, get me another drink and put wings on it."

The door burst open as Mystia, Rumia, and Wriggle flowed into the room, cheering.

"All hail the new queens of cuisine," Wriggle shouted, swiping a drink from a passing waitress. "Maya Noodle Bar. Y'all remember that name."

As the trio set off towards the bar, and Wriggle looped her arm around the cute guy that Reisen had been eyeing all night, the rabbit growled, "You know, I was going to feel sorry for what we're about to do to them."

Tewi raised an eyebrow as she set down her drink. "And now?"

"They deserve what's coming to them."


Author's Notes:

After reading Anthony Bourdain's Kitchen Confidential, I wanted to do a cooking story in a similar vein. In Touhou, that automatically means a Mystia story. However, the common portrayal of Mystia doesn't lend itself to the chef as conman/rogue described in Kitchen Confidential; Woobie Mystia's far more likely to be a menu item, especially if Yuyuko's around. But the canon has her as (over)confident and mentions one scam that she runs on a regular basis, so the idea of Mystia as a con-artist exists. I just strengthened that side of her personality a bit and watched the feathers fly.

So what's a Lucky Peach? In New York, there's a series of restaurants known as Momofuku, or Lucky Peach in English. The owner says that the defining moment for the restaurant was when he decided to break all the rules and do what he wanted, turning his conventional ramen shop into something utterly different. As many critics say, no one goes to Momofuku Noodle Bar to eat the noodles. And that's why I feel comfortable turning my Maya Noodle Bar into a Spanish tapas bar that incidentally serves Cajun noodles.

Thanks go to Kerreb17 for prereading. As always, all mistakes are my own fault. Thanks also go out to the Let's Danmaku forum for providing encouragement. I frequently post snippets of upcoming works there, and the forum's a pretty fun and firendly, if not chaotic, place.