Love Looks Not with the Eyes Chapter 1 – Fun
A/N- I was going to start with a different title but I figure might as well start with the last song of the fic this story comes from. Fun is sung by Coldplay. So if you haven't read Winged Cupid Painted Blind I would suggest that you do so before you start this fic, or you will be all kinds of confused. So this fic will be the important events in Kevin's life from the time he left Edd standing at that locker to the moment they meet back up 24 years later, so it will be a lot of description. Trigger warnings are my usual with extra added if needed. Oh for those who have forgotten the setting of Winged Cupid Painted Blind, the year is 1992.
Have you ever been so in love with someone that when you think about them, even after years of separation, your heart hurts due to their absence? Have you ever been so enamored with someone that they would dominate your dreams and when you woke you could feel them holding you as if they still lay beside you? Have you ever fallen so hard for someone that the instant you realized you were in love, you knew you would never truly get over them? These are the things that Kevin Richard Barr has come to realize about the one dork he let slip away due to his own child like foolishness.
But I digress, let us start where the tale has ended so that maybe you can get some perspective on how he has come to realize how foolish he was. This realization started the instant it was too late, as he drew back his fist, the one side of his mind that was being manipulated by Father O'Malley told him to beat the shit out of the fag that stood in front of him. That he was the reason his emotions and family were now a mess and that he deserved the beat down he was about to get. But looking into those mad blue eyes he loved so much, and seeing the sadness welling up in them, he flinches, punching the locker instead of that handsome face.
As he yelled his final words at the boy, his own heart ached with such a violent force that he could feel the tears threatening to come to the surface, to avoid discovery he turns quickly. Grabbing his bag from the floor he rushes off toward the front entrance to meet his mother and get away from the source of his heart ache. Telling himself that it was for the best, and that there was no way Edd could ever love him again, now that he has done this. That all he needed to do now was to concentrate on getting his family back to where they use to be, whole and full of the love they use to have for each other before this all took place.
Stepping out of the front door of the school he sees his mother's car and heads straight for it, hearing his friend's familiar voice call out to him, "What the fuck did you do." Turning to face him all he could think about was what he had seen when he exited his last class, Nat being affectionate with the boy he loved, but at the same time he was haunted by what he had just done. Dropping his bag, he pulls back his fist and swings at Nat, knowing he needed to be punished for breaking Edd's heart he left himself wide open as Nat blocked and punched him in the stomach. "He didn't do anything wrong," was bellowed at him by his best friend as he recovered from the blow, thinking "I know that Nat."
Drawing back his fist again he swings once more, Nat easily dodging his halfhearted punch earning him a fist to the jaw as his reward for the pain he caused Edd. He hears his mother yelling as she ran toward them, "Leave him alone, you sodomite," a pain piercing Kevin's heart at the name she had called his best friend. Looking past his mother who was standing between them staring Nat down, he could see the pain in his eyes and the pain in his own heart doubled. Nat drops his arms and rushes for the school's front doors, Kevin wanting to scream out his apologies to his friend, that he didn't mean it wishing he could take it all back. But his mother was already directing him toward the car, picking up his bag where he had dropped it he obediently follows her and climbs in. Seeing the boy he loved out of the corner of his eyes, he fought back tears once again as he saw the pained expression upon his face. Biting into his knuckles as they drove down the road to his next appointment with Father O'Malley.
Entering the church after cleaning his bloody lip in the car, he did all the things that have been drilled into his head before he ever went and said his first confession or took his first communion. Walking to the front of the church, he finds the priest sitting in the front pew waiting for him to arrive. Standing as the boy approached him, he extends his hand, "Good evening Kevin, how are you on this blessed day?" Seeing that the boy was reluctant to talk out in the open he motions with one hand toward his office door while guiding him toward it with the other.
Now behind closed doors, the shame that was being instilled in him by the man he trusted was now lighter and he was free to speak. Clearing his throat, he still found it hard to talk about these things, "I've been doing what you told me and avoiding my temptation."
"Good," the man said leaning back in his chair, "And how has that been working for you, is it easing your urges?"
He felt compelled to lie, to show he was making progress, for though the idea was out of sight out of mind it didn't subside his longing for the boy. "It was going great until today," he paused wondering what he should say to him, "He cornered me after my last class."
"How did you handle it?"
"I made it clear that it was over and that he needed to stay away from me," Kevin's voice was cracking as he spoke.
"You seem trouble by that," he rested his elbow on the arm rest of his chair, placing his chin in his hand.
Kevin took a deep breath and let it out in one quick exhale, "I never thought doing the right thing would feel so wrong."
"We talked about this Kevin," Kevin could tell he was frustrated, "The enemy will do many things to try and trick you, to keep you on the wrong path and away from god. He will toy with your emotions to make you think what is right is actually wrong and what is wrong is right, and if one trick fails he will move on to the next. So, you must always stay vigilant and avoid the temptations he will lay in your path as we work to save your immortal soul."
"I understand Father," his voice went soft, "And I'm doing my best, but it's so hard, I lost my best friend today because of this."
"Was he the one you told me convinced you that being with the boy was alright," Kevin nods and he lifts his head out of his hand adjusting in his seat. "Then it was no great loss, just another agent of the devil gone from your life." The priest spoke under his breath but Kevin could hear him clear as day, "The two of them are probably fornicating as we speak."
"I don't think they were into each other father, they're just friends," Kevin knew that Edd had no interest in Nat like that.
"Kevin, their relationships aren't based on the same principals and beliefs that ours are, it is driven by an uncontrollable carnal need." He was quite adamant about what he was talking about, bordering on fanatic, "They don't love like you or I do and have no concept of faithfulness, compassion, trust or a need to make a true bond with someone. They hop from bed to bed trying to fill a hole in their lust filled hearts that they will never be able to with their godless ways."
Kevin furrowed his brows, "So, what you're trying to tell me is they can't be just friends?"
He returned Kevin's hard look, "No Kevin they cannot, they use their friendships to earn a person's trust in an attempt to lure them into their perverse lifestyles, just like your friend did to you."
"I don't believe you," Kevin's emotions were a hurricane destroying what little happiness he had left in him, "He was my friend, we've known each other since he moved here."
"Think about it Kevin," his voice was pleading, "People only start drinking or smoking because friends tell them it's alright, even though in the back of our mind we know it can destroy our lives. Homosexuality is much the same way, everyone knows that it is wrong and dangerous, but a trusted friend assures us there really isn't anything sinful about it and like fools we believe them and before we know it we're walking down the devil's highway to our doom."
"I got to go," Kevin stands and heads for the door. The guilt and shame this man was placing upon him, along with the heart ache he was feeling because of his family and the loss of his friend and love had all become too much for one day. His heart was calling his mind a fool while his mind was calling his heat a liar, this was the battle he has been wagging all week. The shame and guilt the priest has been feeding him only reinforcing his mind to silence his heart, the voice of his heart slowly getting weaker, only flaring up today during the confrontation.
Father O'Malley calls after him, "Kevin, we just started."
"I'm sorry Father," he grabs the door knob, "But I can't do this right now," opening the door he walks through it quickly, finding his mother praying in the front row where they had left her. Probably praying for his salvation no less.
Looking up as she heard his quick footstep approach her, she calls after him in a hushed voice, "Kevin, where are you going?"
"Mom, I love you, and I'm doing what you asked but right now," he motions with his hands to tell her to back off, his anger clear in his eyes. She knew that the fights he had in school today had worn him down and she wasn't going to fault him for needing a break.
Getting into the car he rubs the bridge of his nose breathing out in frustration, dropping his hand unceremoniously in his lap as his mother climbed in, "Can I stay at Tina's tonight?"
"I don't know if your father will approve," she replied as she put the keys into the ignition and started the car.
"Mom I promise it will be just me, Tina and Pat," his eyes were looking at her pleadingly with sadness embedded in them, "I just need to get out of that house for one day.
Though she was disappointed in him and didn't approve of the lifestyle he had participated in, he was still her son and the sad look in his eyes did affect her. "Alright, but only for tonight, I'll make your father understand."
Kevin insisted on driving straight there not wanting to make the trip home to get the things he would need, it was a quick trip to the girl's apartment from downtown Peach Creek. The two of them insisting on moving out of their parents houses the instant they graduated from high school last year. Getting a small two bedroom in town as they took the required course for their chosen carriers at the local community college before transferring down to Summerville University. Parking in front of the building they walk up the outdoor stairway to the second floor walkway making their way to his cousin's door. Standing in front of apartment 106 they could hear loud giggling coming from the other side of the entryway.
The laughter dies down from boisterous to quiet and hushed once he knocked on the door, his shorter brunette cousin opening the door, "Aunt B, what brings you here." Tina stood about five foot four inches tall with some meat on her bones, Pat who was sitting in the living room, stands five foot ten inches slender with black hair. Kevin looks off into the distance as his mother went on about how he wanted to stay the night with them, not going into detail about why he needed to get away from the house. "We would love to have him," she replied to the request, hearing this Kevin steps into the house to go sit at the table in the adjoining kitchen.
His mother continued, going over the rules he was to follow, "He's grounded right now, so no visitors, he is not to use the phone, no TV or video games and I want him in bed by nine. I'm bending his father's rules by just letting him come here, but I know you girls will respect our wishes."
"Sure thing Aunt B, we'll make sure he's a good boy and have him home first thing tomorrow."
Barbra called out to Kevin, "Good night sweetie, I'll see you tomorrow, I love you." Kevin did not acknowledge that she had said anything to him, his emotions were still in a tail spin.
Wishing her aunt a good night she closed the door behind her then came over to where Kevin sat, seeing the pained expression on his face, "What's the matter Kev?" She reaches out and caresses his shoulder, trying to sooth whatever was bothering him.
With that simple show of affection, he breaks down, the tears streaming down his freckled cheeks, his face contorted in pain as hurtful sobs escaped his lips. "Oh god, what have I done," The pain he has been bottling up all week and the pain he has inflicted upon himself today finally being released as it all sinks in. He has lost Nat and Edd for good, there was no going back, but how long would he suffer the pain of this loss? How long would he feel this guilt for causing his parents shame? And how long would it take before they looked at him with pride again? "I want to die," all the two girls could do for him was to hold him as he sobbed, comforting him with their affection and reassuring words that life gets better.
