Beta: KScalerose

Jace, please remember that I have always been a good girlfriend. You know I always have been. You know I've never looked at any other man ever since we met. You know that even when we had our worst fights, I would always come back for you. Jace, you know that you are the only one in my heart.

Jace, you know how careful I am. You know that I've stopped walking at night all alone. Everytime we go out to dance in clubs, I make sure we go out in a group and that at least one of us is sober enough to drive. You know that when I'm ordering a drink, I make sure it comes from a closed bottle. Jace, you know that when I need to go to the bathroom, I always making sure someone is watching my drinks. You know that I'm using everything that school had ever taught me, Angel Boy. You know that.

You saw me walking with Izzy for girl-time in the middle of the day. You know that we were together. You know that she would never leave me alone. No woman is supposed to be attacked in daylight. In every lecture we got, they told us it happens at night. I was supposed to be safe. And still I didn't forget to watch out for myself. Why did this happen to me Jace? Was I not careful enough? Did I do something wrong?

We both have no idea how he got to my drinks. Maybe he was the waiter, or the bartender. The police are still figuring that out. It only took him a second. One second that we had let our guard down. One. The whole world turned all around me and I needed to go to the bathroom. Izzy told me to wash my face, and my head was in such a blur that getting Izzy to go with me didn't cross my mind. Jace, don't be mad at her. It was broad daylight, how was she supposed to know what would happen?

I'm begging you Jace, please don't be mad at me. You know that if I could I would have put up a fight. My whole body felt limp and when he pushed me up against the wall of the women's restroom, there was nothing I could do. There was nothing I could do. I'm so sorry Jace, I should have fought harder. I told him no, I did. He tore off my shirt first, and messed with my bra. Why would he play with my breasts? You know I have none. When my spaghetti arms tried to push him away, the monster just laughed in my face. Jace, I can see his black eyes in my mind, but I can't remember his face. I'm sorry that I can't remember his face. My useless brain can't even remember who the guy who fucked your girl was, I can't even tell you who the monster I've cheated on you was, I can't. Forgive me.

When he ripped down my pants, I lost control of my body completely. I should have tried to fight, to kick him where they always tell us to hit. I'm sorry Jace, my body just froze. I don't know why. I'm sorry Jace. Why didn't I try to fight him off? Why couldn't I cry or scream for help? All I could do was stand there, petrified, waiting for him to get it over with. Maybe I wanted it. Yes, maybe your sick girlfriend didn't fight because she wanted to get fucked.

When he began, my body stood still, stiff. All I could do was say 'no' over and over again. Jace, I couldn't move, but he could. And he sure did move. His hands were all over my breasts, his dagger stabbing inside of me. His mouth, all over my face. He sure did move. Should I keep going? Are you mad at me for telling you what it was like?

When it was finally over, he pulled up his pants and told me something. I can't remember what it was. The important thing though, was that I could move. So why didn't I? He left me there, frozen as a statue while he just walked away. It took me at least fifteen minutes for my brain to process what just happened. Izzy later told me It was twenty minutes before she walked over the bathroom. Only when I had saw her face, I understood what had happened. You have to believe me Jace, I do love you. More than anything. Please Jace, forgive me for not fighting hard enough. Forgive me for cheating on you. Izzy told me that I had been numb until she said your name, and only then did I break into tears. Forgive me, my Angel Boy, forgive me for that the only thing I had done was say no. Forgive me that now, I'm calling you from the police station, instead of being at home with you. Forgive me for this ugly cheat. Forgive me for being the horrible girlfriend I am.

Are you still there Jace?

Now, I know I've said a lot "this is going to be my last one shot for a while," but this is going to be my last one. Tomorrow I'm leaving my home for two weeks in the south, for course that I'll be without cell phone on me. Hope for the best.

Also, let me be clear: Clary never wanted this. Sometime rape victims seems themselves guilty of what happened to them. It was not Clary's fault, and no other woman had ever being guilty for been raped.

Please tell me what you think.