"You were right all along, but it's me who's got to change"

- Coming Up Roses

I stood up from the bed, unable to comprehend my emotions that were weighing me down, trying to drown me back into the soft, comforting messy bed. I gazed back at the pictures on my desk and saw myself, smiling and full of gleam with the girl I loved—once loved. I sighed at how silly I was to keep that picture of us, perfectly framed and cleaned to its very edges when I know it's been over for years now. I have kept it on one of my old college books and since then, it was there and forgotten, but when my mom came around and urged me to clear up my old junk in the closet, I found the picture and decided to frame it.

It was all sweet and right that time and I wanted nothing more than to be with her—laughing, chatting, goofing around and "geeking" about. Then again, it ended in the most cliché ways as possible—I had to leave. I left because of my job. I was a pilot, some sort of traveller and I was only back in Norway about once a year. I mostly travel and transport passengers on America and Asia and being away from home were like hell for me. I miss my family, my friends (and her, apparently, even though we ended it) but every once in a while, when spotting the chance, I meet up with them and catch up.

She wasn't mostly present because of her work. She was a writer, a photojournalist to be exact and she was always away out on her own adventures also. I do wish that sometimes we cross paths on the airport and she'd ride the airplane I was operating—you know, just to give the thrills but, somehow she'd be travelling on other airlines and never once mine, which was a pity. I never really know how to say it, but we never had a proper closure at all. Well yes, we had broken up about 3 years ago but, it was never really clear to us if we had disclosed our feelings—I know, I haven't yet since I still love her so.

I gazed out on my window, taking in the familiar sight of the neighbouring apartment and at the same time, I could hear the usual dilemma of the neighbours' ballistic yelling. Apparently, Mr. Ack has been caught cheating once again and Mrs. Ack wouldn't let him live to see another female ever again—at least, that was what I deduced from the screaming and thrashing. It was rather a small apartment but good enough to live for one. I rented an apartment as close to the airport as possible so I wouldn't hassle myself to drive to work.

Having enough of the neighbours, I decided to take a quick shower and a walk outside. I needed to jog up my muscles so I could stay fit. The thing about being a pilot is that, you always have to be watchful and alert of the skies, and sometimes, I couldn't leave my cabin to even just use the lavatory. The last time I was called up while using the lavatory was when there was a sudden storm and the plane couldn't get through well across the thick array of clouds.

As I put on my sweater, I looked up on the view and saw the most surprising view possible. There she was, standing behind the window, opening up the curtains. Judging by her messy hair, it looks like she had just woken up. Her hair was strikingly longer than the last time I saw her and her turquoise highlights just fitted her style. I gazed at her intently, taking notice of the other features that changed from the last time and one that made the impression is how sexier she's gotten. I couldn't move, not with her still gazing on the window with a cup in her hands. It seems as though she never got rid of the habit of drinking coffee every morning but it was okay, she needed it.

"Holy…" I stuttered.

She finally puts the cup down by the windowpane and pulled her camera, taking a few shots of the sky and smiling to herself as she browsed them. I was quick to pull out my phone from the desk and took a picture of her without having her to notice me as possible. I viewed them and chuckled lowly to myself, finally having a glimpse of her years after we had broken up.

I never wanted to leave again, I just wanted to stay here and admire her from a distance. It might sound creepy but I can't help being such a stalker—even though we're only a few good meters living apart by chance, I wouldn't exactly call it stalking. I sat on the bed, ignoring the noises I hear from around me and grabbed my sketch pad. The one thing not many people know about me is that I draw and it was my favourite pastime. If I could spot a paper and a pen just lying somewhere unused, it will be filled up with whatever was on my mind to draw.

I sketched the scene in front of me—including my window and the blocks on the walls of her apartment building. As she sat on the windowpane, admiring the view, I was sketching it on paper. It was a memory that could last with me forever and I would indulge on memory line as I gaze at it.

Looking up, I saw that she left the window and my smile fell into a frown. I can't see her anymore and shifting my eyes back at my drawing, I saw how I was almost finished with the outline. I jolted out of the bed and walked to the window, trying to gaze out and see if she was still in her room. After a few minutes of patiently waiting, I could see another figure walking to the window and it was a man, much to my shock. The man was tightly embracing her as they stared out to the view and I could see the man kissing her head and it angered me—I was jealous, yes. I'm pretty candid and what I was looking at was something to have me riled up.

Of course, I couldn't just give it up. Does that man even know there was me before him? Didn't that man ever think there was such guy who loved her so before him? Didn't she ever think that I was still left hanging from our break up? What did that guy have that I didn't? Would she tell me why? Those were all the questions I have and I wasn't impressed by how close they were and I was directly across their window to witness it.

"I can't handle this" I muttered, shutting the curtains.

I looked back at the drawing and found my drawing still at the bed, waiting patiently to be finished. I lost all motivation and ignored the sketch, leaving it on the desk unfinished. I lied down on the bed, ruffling my auburn hair out of frustration. Shutting my eyes, I thought I could get at least serenity but all I see is that horrid images in my head about them.

His same cerulean eyes as my girl and messy dyed silver hair with his posture and arms embracing my beloved drove me insane that I couldn't even think anymore. I forced myself to stand and head to the bathroom, washing my hands from the graphite and stared at my reflection on the mirror. From my auburn hair, rare green eyes that were enclosed in glasses and a growing stub to my thin build and geek appearance made me no less envious of that man who looked so laid back and chill.

I walked back into the window, opening my curtain just a little to take a peek. I noticed the man had already been walking on the street and my ex-girlfriend on the window yet again. Losing my mood from that horrid picture gave me no confidence to open the curtain up again. I was left to peek creepily onto the windows, taking a lasting glimpse of her before anything else could happen.

By noon, my curtains were still closed and I was sitting on the desk, reading a book. I would check the curtains every hour or two to see if she was still in her apartment and I would manage to spot her on her own desk, writing some articles on her laptop. I grew proud of her—she finally was living her dream to explore and earn money at the same time. She would tell me sheepishly sometimes that she wanted to travel and earn money. I convinced her to a pilot once too but she didn't want to be staying on one country for only 4 to 6 hours, she wanted to explore the country as a whole and experience living in that environment. I laughed as I recalled that memory, but then again, it was just a memory.

By the time I realized I was finished reading the book, I realized it's been 2 hours since I last checked and ran to the curtains to peek again. I noticed her, all dressed in a coat and her computer satchel hanging on her shoulder, heading towards the door and with haste, I grabbed my phone, wallet and keys and bolted out of the apartment.

As I left the apartment building, I waited for her to exit the building, thinking of a modus to show myself up to her again. I began to panic, having not really think this thoroughly enough and the moment I saw her exit the building, my nerves suddenly kicked in and I felt a chill in my spine as I tried moving my body but they failed me so and I was stuck there, gazing at her fading figure. She didn't even dare to look my way and headed correspondingly to where she intends to go. The more she walked away, the more I wanted to grab her and take her back into my arms and tell her I still love her but I remembered that man who hugged her hours ago and felt reluctant to do so.

Finally getting my thoughts together, I gathered up my courage and ran up to her, catching up how far she had walked out of my sight. I found by the end of the street and she was at the bus stop, waiting and that's where I had my chance. I walked up to the waiting shed but midway through, I stopped. I don't know why I was so nervous to approach her nor did I know why I went to all this effort to be able to talk to her again when we broken off a long time ago.

Like I said, I didn't receive the closure I wanted.

I am that selfish, and I should've done what she did—move on. If she was successful on moving on from me, then I should be also. I should be a lot stronger than before but I never did, I didn't change one bit and as much as the signs were so obvious and practically slammed into my face, I didn't dare to let go of my feelings for her and it just prolonged my affliction and it made me look that foolish at love.

I was that close to her but I remained unmoved and couldn't even speak to call her name. She had her earphones on, of course—it was an annoying trait of hers ever since I've known her. How the hell could I grab her attention now? Of course, I can't just grab her earphone off and might end up regretting it with a black eye as a souvenir. I watched her nod and tap her foot to the beat and can't help but smile like an idiot as she enjoys her music.

Her hair was arranged into a portioned braid above her bangs and her turquoise highlights danced with the light wind. Her hand rested in her pockets and I picked up a tint of eye liner in her eyes and a bit of wine red lipstick on her lips—she was beautiful. She turned her head towards my direction but stopped midway and focused on the road, still waiting for the bus to come. Meanwhile, I stood firm on my place, hoping that she would notice me and my wishes were granted as her eyes shifted towards my direction, sensing someone was looking at her.

Her eyes widened in shock and took off her earphones. She took a few steps towards me and her voice was hoarse as she spoke, "Hiccup?" she asked astonishingly.

She still calls me by my nickname—SHE STILL CALLS ME BY MY NICKNAME!

I gave her a playful smile and her amused face turned into a glad one. She took a second to let out some air, depicting her little amusement and walked up to me, engulfing me in a tight hug. I didn't realize that she was hugging me until 5 seconds later and didn't hesitate to return the hug. I hugged her tighter and it sent butterflies on my stomach like it did last time, about three years ago.

We broke our hug and she repositioned her satchel while I kept my hands onto her waist. She gave out a little chuckle before clearing her throat, reminding me of my hands. I pulled my hands away and gave a sheepish smile and an apology but she dismissed it, rather more surprised by the fact we were able to meet up again after such a long time.

"How are you all these years?" she asked.

"I'm actually fine" I answered, "What about you?"

She nodded, "Oh yeah, more than okay, honestly"

Damn it. We break up, she gets to have more fun in her life.

"We haven't talked since…" she trailed off, trying to recall the last time we talked.

"Since we broke up" I said, finishing her sentence.

Her face faltered into an apologetic smile—she must be reminiscing the moment in her memories. Her eyes turned to meet mine and tucked her stray strands behind her ear, "It was hard on us and our relationship seemed like it wouldn't really work" she muttered, but it was enough for me to hear and it gave a pang in the chest.

I can't say anything to contradict. I didn't want us to be arguing, especially after just seeing each other after three years and just nodded along, trying to connect with her topic, "Agreed" I said, disclosing the topic and opened a new one, "I heard you became a photojournalist… I'm really proud of you"

"You are?" she asked in bewilderment.

"Yeah, I mean… you finally get to live your dream to explore and earn money"

"Well yeah, I guess" she shrugged, "I try to finish the job right away so I can do some exploring on my own, then I e-mail the article to them the moment I get Wi-Fi or internet connection."

But we both heard the bus horns honked and it was getting closer. I wasn't really going to anywhere but she was and as much as I want to join her on her little trip, she made clear to me than she was more than okay after the break up and it just gave a beating to my heart and I think I needed a little space to think about it.

She turned around and rushed to climb aboard the bus but before she hopped on, I called out to her, "For your information, I still love you, y'know"

Her head turned towards me and she gave out a smile, "You're a hopeless bastard, Hiccup" she laughed.

"But why do you still call me by my nickname?" I teased her.

"Okay then Harold, I'll see you around then" she waved.

"See you, Astrid"

"It's Alma!" she exclaimed.

And with that she went aboard and the bus took off. I waited for the bus to leave my sight before I started walking back to my apartment. I grabbed my phone out of my pocket as I felt it vibrate and looked to see who had texted me.

' I hope this is still your number. If so, seeing you was nice. I hope we can catch up. – A '

I smiled but didn't dare to reply. I didn't need to.